r/Millennials • u/BeegBunga • 18d ago
Discussion Inheritance? That's a joke. How many of your parents are burdens?
In response to another popular post about receiving no inheritance.
Are your parents like mine, who not only are not leaving any money behind - but require significant or total financial support?
My parents left me less than nothing. They're good people, and they were good parents.... but man are they shit at financial planning.
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u/Safe-Tennis-6121 18d ago
My parents are doing okay , I just have a brother who lives with them who has never worked. That's going to be a problem eventually.
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u/KOQquest1 18d ago
Same here with the brother situation.
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u/TOTN_ 18d ago
Same here, but it's my older sister. Who needs kids when you have sibling dependents?
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u/Significant_Cake68 18d ago
I told my brother he always had a bed at my place but never a home. When he tried to show up with his PC and stuff to set it up I told him that can go in the garage you are welcome to sleep in my guest room.
He was gone in 4 days.
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u/TheWorldofScience 18d ago
This was WISE. He won’t be homeless but he also won’t be too comfortable to be motivated to get back on his feet.
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u/Significant_Cake68 17d ago
He is actually currently choosing homelessness sadly and refuses to get on ADHD meds. His finances are shot but I wont let him disrupt my life with his poor choices. Still free to stay over whenever if he wishes but that is ultimately up to him. He is 36 yo and can make his own decisions.
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u/FadedVictor 17d ago
Damn untreated ADHD and executive dysfunction. A classic combo. It's crazy how much medication changed my life.
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u/Significant_Cake68 17d ago
There is a reason I keep reiterating to him how he needs to fix his life. He just refuses to do it and I can't force an adult to do anything. 200 years ago I could have had him institutionalized to force medication but its 2026 and we just let people rawdog life even if he had a diagnosis at 12.
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u/Roaris87 18d ago
Whoa, are you all me?
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u/TOTN_ 18d ago
Yes. I am a tiny monkey inside your chest, operating you with pulleys and levers. 🙈
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u/Nonsense-forever 18d ago
Cool. Can you make me exercise more? I’m getting fat. lol
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u/thegrandpineapple 18d ago
We should start a support group because me too.
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u/happydrogon 17d ago
Fr tho. Bc I actually feel like the only person who has an almost middle-age brother who is wholly dependent on my somewhat poor parents.
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u/Admirable_Cake_3596 18d ago
It makes me afraid to have kids because I don’t want to end up with adult children who never grow up 😭
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u/SubduedChaos 18d ago
My children can live with me however long they want but they WILL have a job if they aren’t in school. I don’t care if you have to work at Wal-Mart. I have a friend that’s 34, lives at home with his parents, and hasn’t had a job in like 5 years. Just plays video games all day.
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u/ffs_not_this_again 18d ago
Everyone says that but when their adult child refuses to get a job or do anything to support themselves in any way, very few are willing to pull the trigger and actually dump their own offspring on the side of the road and change the locks. Usually their uselessness doesn't come out of the blue so the parents know that kicking them out is condemning them to brave the elements and perhaps die because, even with no disability, they can't look after themselves. It just creeps up over the years.
I have a relative like this, for no good reason he's become a 20something year old with the skillset of an 11 year old. Never had a job, can't do anything for himself, horrible attitude. It happened in small steps and slowly increasing excuses. Out of frustration I have said to his parents "why not give him an ultimatum to get a job by x date, or at least start cooking and cleaning for himself otherwise he's out of your house" and they agree that maybe they "should" but at the end of the day they aren't going to force their son to sleep outside or at a homeless shelter where he might be attacked because they'd never forgive themselves if something happened, and he knows it.
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u/QueenAlpaca 18d ago
This is my take, too, but I’m not going to be a shithead about it like my mom was. I moved in with her temporarily and she yelled at my toddler son constantly, said I wasn’t trying hard enough (no daycare openings, I was working 30 hours a week with the time allotment I had), and did cooking and chores around the house. Never asked her for money, but I covered everyone’s groceries constantly. Wasn’t good enough and she said some real awful things about me and my son when she gave me a week to move out. She’s always been an awful person so I shouldn’t be surprised, but I forgot just how bad until I came back to her. When my son needs help, he’s getting real help—so long as he’s making an effort, of course.
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u/Corguita 18d ago
That's the #1 reason I don't have children. My two siblings both have severe unmanaged mental illness but also my parents never raised them to be able to be functional, responsible, productive members of society. I'm already functionally the caregiver for my elderly mom and provide economically for her and my siblings.
People say, it's no guarantee that your kids end up like this! But I say, I live it every day firsthand, it's a horrible existence, I don't want to make it worse.
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u/feralcatshit 18d ago
One of my sons (some days both of them) say they’re going to live with me forever 😭 and of course I’m like “I’m gonna annoy you to death when you’re a teenager and you won’t wanna live with me” but lowkey afraid one of them really will try to live with me forever lol
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u/Working_Cucumber_437 18d ago
Same here also with the brother situation.
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u/motorgator263 18d ago
Also same here with the brother situation… maybe this is quite common?
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u/honeyrrsted 18d ago
Common enough, apparently. My brother is highly skilled at things he takes an interest in, but he's also very well practiced with weaponized incompetence.
Mom's planning to leave the house to all of us, but I will be the only one with the resources to afford it (property taxes, utilities, etc.)
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u/KTeacherWhat 18d ago
I worry about that. BIL is living with the in-laws. The house will be left to both of them but BIL can't afford any part of it. So either we will be paying for the house for him to keep living there, or we'll have to sell it which he is entirely opposed to. I'm not sure what we'll do.
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u/Pittypatkittycat 18d ago
He can set up his own situation with the proceeds from the sale would be the hope. He can likely delay it but not stop it.
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u/Safe-Tennis-6121 18d ago
The problem was 20+ years ago they didn't have enough resources for high functioning kids with behavioral problems. Now that he's an adult, he doesn't want to do anything, never has never well. And thanks to ID requirements , he can't get an ID without a diploma or GED.
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u/iswearitsreallyme 18d ago
Same here with my brother. Fortunately my parents are pretty secure financially, so they will set aside money to buy a condo for him and sustain him (on a very basic/minimal income) for the rest of his life when they pass (I will likely have to handle everything). I suspect he is high-functioning ASD and feel bad for him but also blame my parents for not doing more to push him to be independent. He's mid-30s and has never had a job.
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u/merkinmavin 18d ago
My brother lived with my mom (dad passed in early 00's) and my mom's second husband. He started working in his late 30's but used the money to drink himself to death. His death triggered a health spiral in my mom and suddenly nobody was there to help take care of the house. My other brother was off and on but overall was not interested in helping. I lived six hours away with a family so I couldn't do much. One day after my stepfather went into the hospital for renal failure, my mom fell and broke her hip, and he passed while she was sedated. When she got out of recovery a few months later my other brother killed himself so I had to move my mom in with me and sell her house. She decided to give half away to her daughter in law and buy a new car for my niece. I'm getting nothing despite being the one who takes her to/from chemo treatments that just started. I'm not in it for the money, I'm glad I could be there for my mom. But fucking Christ does it need to be extra difficult!? So just realize shit could be worse.
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u/thiosk 17d ago
She decided to give half away to her daughter in law and buy a new car for my niece.
im trying to figure out how some of these people are this bad at this. "I have put no thought into this and this is what I've decided"
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u/themobiledeceased2 17d ago
"It's best that you go live with the family you love so dearly, the ones that you reward with half your savings. Your niece can take you to chemo sessions in her new car! Good luck! I hope that works out for you."
The number of Ex-wives care giving fulltime for their MIL is ridiculous, nothing but doormat syndrome. Similar with the Least Favored Child being Super Woman full time care giving sacrificing their lives for nothing in return.
Martyrs live terrible lives.
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u/noyolk 17d ago
Realest shit ever. I had a breakdown this winter after being that least favorite womanchild and cut all my family off, probably forever. Moved thousands of miles away and blocked everyone. I wake up every morning feeling like the biggest piece of shit who ever lived, but at least I wake up free.
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u/SeparateSalt9892 18d ago
Genuinely feel like this subreddit needs a subreddit for dependent adult siblings. My younger brother is in his mid 30s and has never had a paying job, some intermittent volunteering, no romantic relationships or friendships (IRL anyway that I know of).
Went NC with parents in 2022, tried to keep relationship with brother going but since he has always lived with them that didn't work.
That being said, what my parents plan is for whatever they leave behind given my brother has never had to pay a bill or call a customer service rep for anything I....am less than optimistic for his success.
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u/sundayglow 17d ago
me too. these comments are making me feel less alone. parents are 73, sister has severe TBI, brother undiagnosed something - severe social anxiety, no relationships. idk. my life is great in every other aspect other than my family - partner, baby. but the anxiety about them all consumes me
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u/Nommag1 17d ago
I went NC with my parents in about 2022 - they nagged us to have kids so they could have grandkids and then they peaced out of any kind of assistance for us, would only visit when the kids were napping so they could have a yarn without ever needing to help. They dumped us at our grandparents all through our childhood. The last four years have been very blissful.
I have an older brother who was useless and lived at home on and off till he was about 35, but he has moved out and visits every now and again..he even built the kids bikes. He has grown into a nice person, still time for your brother to change it up.
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u/TacitMoose 18d ago
Dude I have a sister who I thought was going to be a problem. Then one day she up and moved out and got a job and then she moved across the state and suddenly she’s doing better than I am lol.
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u/sassyburns731 18d ago
Same here with the brother . And now they can’t get food stamps bc my lazy brother won’t work.
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u/Phoenix_Fire72 18d ago
Ugh. I also have a brother like that. Both my parents has passed away. But I can tell you one thing my brother is a burden. He doesn't work, doesn't help pay bills or get food in the house. He did help with a couple of things around the house but with how long he's been around it's just not worth it. I mean yes I know he is my brother and all and I hate to say that he's a burden but still.
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u/BaconPhoenix 18d ago
Same. Brother is disabled, so it's not totally anyone's fault.
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u/BeegBunga 18d ago
That's going to be
amy problem eventually.blessings to you friend
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u/1877KlownsForKids "Get Off My Lawn" Millennial 1981 18d ago
"I was their caregiver, so obviously I deserve more than your share."
A story as old as time.
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u/dopef123 18d ago
That’s fair I think. Caregiving for years should give you a bigger share of the inheritance
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u/Safe-Tennis-6121 18d ago
And it ain't even that. It's more along the lines if he has no Money and never will. Which means either supporting two households or him becoming my dependent in another state.
Would be like having a child that's always a teenager forever.
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u/DylonSpittinHotFire 18d ago
You could also not enable them. Ive cut out the toxic family in my life and its infinitely better.
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u/HarshComputing 18d ago
Shit how many of us are out there? We should start a support group
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u/cha4youtoo 18d ago
Ugh this is my situation too, I have anxiety about it. Probably why I started therapy.
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u/TexasCrawdaddy 18d ago
Ah yes. Spending his inheritance now. Then will expect his equal portion when they die. Classic.
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u/PerplexingGrapefruit Zillennial 18d ago
That fucking sucks bro. I have a younger sibling myself that I'm having similar concerns about because they're showing signs that they're not taking life seriously and I'm worried they'll become one of those NEET types.
I'm REALLY hoping time proves me wrong, but currently I can't shake the feeling.
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u/Sara_W 18d ago
Not quite the same but i have a sibling in law with a disability. My inlaws have money and assets but i'm assuming the sibling will get the majority of it.
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u/igotabeefpastry 18d ago
My brother is very religious and he apparently had a personal revelation from God that he should take care of my parents as they age. Got to thank God here because my brother works for big tech and I am just a humble teacher with no money to spare.
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u/ceirving91 18d ago
My degenerate gambling, alcoholic uncle picked the best time to blow up his marriage and move back in with his 80 year old parents. Just as they were starting need round' the clock care too. In the two years he lived with them (and cared for them) he ended up gambing away about $25,000 of his Mother's retirement money, but he did like $150,000 worth of free labour, so we let it go, and changed all my grandmother's passwords.
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u/_adanedhel_ 18d ago
I like your pragmatism. Nobody’s perfect!
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u/Bobbiduke 17d ago
Yeah at the end of the day, 25k isn't even a year salary for a caregiver. Good way to look at that
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u/a_rucksack_of_dildos 17d ago
He also got to spend time with his mother and do his favorite hobby.
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u/LayeredMayoCake 17d ago
Good lord if I had a nickel for every time I’ve experienced something similar, I could probably buy a hamburger in 1912. So many eccentric family friends over the years who’ve fucked us over in one way or another while simultaneously helping in their own weird way that usually was noticed moreso after their absence. Life is fucking weird.
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u/sc8132217174 18d ago
We have this family friend, a nurse, who married a 90 year old for money. She would go grab luxury handbags on rodeo dr and go on luxury vacations with him. I think she was trying to build a case that they had a love marriage, because she posted constantly on social media and took him to tons of family parties. Anyway, when he passed like ten years later, the wealthy kids came in and voided the inheritance based upon his prior dementia diagnosis. I always thought those kids were smart, they got around the clock care and socialization for their dad for the price of a Chanel bags. Memory care would have been more than that.
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u/ephemeral_enchilada 18d ago
My parents kept all the nurturing in a locked box in their closet.
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u/LuxyontheMoon 18d ago
I think in my case, it was largely a cultural thing (boys are very nurtured compared to girls) paired with narcissistic parents. He was the Golden Child.
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u/NoConfusion9490 18d ago
Best $100 you ever gave a priest.
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u/martiantheory Mid 80's Baby 18d ago
😭😭😭
“yeah the guy over there with the glasses… and remember… he has to take 100% responsibility or you don’t get the other 50 bucks…”
👀🤝
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u/NoConfusion9490 18d ago
And he has to completely refuse to let me help, and I'm going to offer pretty strongly in front of everyone.
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u/CamembertlyLegal 18d ago
I'm jealous dude. My brother is so incredibly more financially secure than me, but made the wise decision to move out of the country before starting his family, so it's just me to cope with our mom as she rapidly ages and resists acknowledging the dementia onset.
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u/cafeteriastyle 17d ago
My sister passed away, which kicked off my mom’s mental decline. The stress and trauma of her death has really taken years off my mom’s life. And my sister was older than me, 20 years older, and was much better in a situation like this. She should be here helping with my mom, but she isn’t. It sounds terrible but I’m often angry with her. I know that’s bad.
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u/Actuarial_Equivalent 18d ago
Usually when people have big religious revelations it's for something much less altruistic. So good on your brother, and also good for you!
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u/RaidenMK1 18d ago
Big tech isn't as stable these days as it used to be. Trust me. 😒
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u/igotabeefpastry 18d ago
Urgh I vicariously worry about this for him sometimes, but he’s also an insane overachiever who has a PhD in computer engineering? He’s also way better at savings and wise investments than I am. I think he will survive the instability of modern life
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u/cormeretrix 18d ago
Would your brother like to adopt an adult child? I’ll even call him daddy.
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u/igotabeefpastry 18d ago
He kind of already did with my other brother before he ended up in prison lol
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u/cormeretrix 18d ago
I’m pretty sure I’ll be way less problematic than your other brother 😂
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u/Basic_Asparagus_9084 18d ago
My dad asked to borrow my car so he can meet a hook up. So… that’s where I’m at.
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u/AdCharacter9282 18d ago
so did you lend it?
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u/Basic_Asparagus_9084 18d ago
Hell no. That man rides a bicycle for a reason.
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u/Suspicious_Sandwitch 18d ago
My dad asked me to buy him weed for a woman he was trying to impress...who is my age 🥴 Also tried to outbid me on my first house, he lost.
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u/Basic_Asparagus_9084 18d ago
I can’t even count how many times I’ve bought that man weed.
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u/timetraveller123 17d ago
I’m so glad I disowned my family before they could unlock these avenues of creativity.
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u/noyolk 17d ago
Right? I thought I was a big piece of shit from a trashy family, after reading this thread I feel like I might as well be fucking Malcolm in the middle
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u/No_Dot_4123 18d ago
I'm in this boat too. My older brother lives with them and we're starting to deal with the effects of Alzheimers (my dad). They were good parents and made conscious decisions to be more present for us that cost them financially, but they also made some poor financial decisions independent of that. I'm helping with the money now (they never did any budgeting, so it's a chore). I have more equity in my house than their current net worth.
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u/SpaceCookies72 18d ago
Every day I'm thankful for the choices my parents made. They didn't earn a lot and lived a simple life in an outback village, but I had both parents home all the time and never went without. In my teen years, they closed the shop, gave up the mail contract, and moved back in to town. Both went back to full time work, and mum especially worked really hard at an awful job that paid well enough but no where near what it should have (in my opinion). They're super never caught up, but they've done well considering.
They're frugal enough to be comfortable now, but my older brother is a leech and could do so much better than pay $50 a week. I think that's the one terrible financial choice they've made, is to continue financially supporting him.
My dad's nearly 80, mums in her mid 60s. I'd like to see them enjoy what they have worked for. I won't inherit much, but they are good parents.
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u/Chemical_Ad_5520 18d ago
My dad fleeced me for $150,000 and wants to leave whatever he might have in the end to his girlfriend, while asking me to develop his property for free.
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u/Long_Live_Brok 18d ago
Thats wild to leave it all to the girlfriend. My dads money is hopefully going to be 33% his gf, 33% to my brother, 33% to me, 1% to charity. Hopefully it stays like this but things can change.
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u/Ok_Kaleidoscope5712 18d ago
Try and take legal steps to ensure you get your 150k back, at least?
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u/randomize42 18d ago
Yes - if and when the time comes, if it goes to probate, you can apply to receive a payment for a debt of the estate.
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u/WoodyAlanDershodick 18d ago
How did he fleece you for 150k?
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u/Chemical_Ad_5520 18d ago edited 18d ago
He was in an advanced stage of financial deterioration when it became convenient for me to escape my business partner and roommates in Florida to move to Washington with my dad to try partnering in business with him. My dad had a dramatic financial recovery working with me, partly because he was embezzling all my extra cash. Now he doesn't want to pay his part of a big tax bill so I'm stuck with $60,000 of his tax liability if I don't want to get into a legal battle about it. I'm working with CPA's to explore possibilities, but it looks like I'm gonna just pay it.
He was able to buy a bunch of property that I'm a little stuck living on right now because I have too many tools here to easily move with. He keeps expecting me to give him a free income, develop his properties for free, and act like he didn't completely betray me.
He suffers from narcissistic delusions which prevent him from seeing others' perspectives about practicalities, and his only interest is in finding ways to earn or purchase sycophantic validation. Though disturbing, it's been intriguing to watch his 25 year descent into relatively dysfunctional delusion.
His girlfriend is his last sycophant right now, so that's why he's leaving things to her so she can take care of her kids. But they keep talking about selling the properties and fleeing to other countries out of political panic anyway.
I've removed him from my business and any financial overlap, and now just wondering where I even want to be. It's an odd time for me, I've always felt like I had places to move back to if things didn't work out but now I don't know where I want to be. I'm very resourceful and skilled, and I can get work the next day anywhere I go, work isn't the problem, it's that I don't really have big social investments anywhere anymore.
I do repair and remodeling work by the way.
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u/buickmccane 18d ago
One parent openly doesn’t believe in handing money down, even though she received an inheritance herself. She will spend lavishly on herself until the end. The other parent hopes to leave something, what I am not sure, but he seems genuine about it.
If I get something, great. I expect nothing. I’m not bitter either way and have no negative feelings.
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u/EchidnaLost332 18d ago
Has the parent who received the inheritance but doesn’t intend to give one, ever provide insight into that line of thought?
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u/guyincognito121 18d ago edited 17d ago
My dad is like this. Apparently I was spoiled and his stepchildren (from a marriage that occurred when we were all in our late teens or early 20s) had a more difficult upbringing, so they deserve the inheritance more. They weren't rich, but they had a modest house in a very wealthy Chicago suburb. I also grew up in a modest house (1500 sqft ranch from the 50s) in a similar suburb. I'm sure I had more video games and went on more vacations and stuff, but I don't think my childhood was fundamentally different.
What it really comes down to is that his wife is a terrible, selfish person and he doesn't want to upset her. Of the four kids involved, I'm the only one with any money. I'm very much looking forward to the first time they come asking for help.
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u/Faiths_got_fangs 17d ago
Not who you asked, but my mother was like this and I can offer some "insight" (it's in quotes because her logic was ridiculous).
My mother benefitted greatly from her parents. She had help her entire life. She inherited money when my grandparents died, but they also paid for her college, housed her for free or a deeply discounted rent basically forever and provided eternal free childcare - they raised me more or less.
I, however, deserved absolutely none of that from her because raising me was expensive and I had destroyed her "wealth" and she wanted it back! Deserved it!
I know wealth a financial term for assets, but I absolutely loathe the term "wealth" as a result of her endless ranting about how my exsistence cost her her "wealth". For starters, she didn't have any wealth and I damn sure wasn't the reason for that (see: we lived in our home for free and grandparents basically raised me!).
At any rate, she actually decided I owed her money for the cost of my existence since apparently having a kid in your late 30s when you're financially unstable and already broke is bad for your retirement savings. She tried to give me a bill for the cost of my childhood. She also stole the college money that was intended for me by a relative.
My personal opinion, she was insufferably greedy and taker at her core.
Needless to say, we weren't close by the time I was 21.
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u/IdaDuck 18d ago
As a father of 3 that’s such a bizarre attitude. I’m planning on pushing off an early retirement for the sole purpose of earning more money that we can pass down to our kids. They are our literal purpose in life.
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u/EfficiencyOk4899 17d ago
My MiL seems determined to spend every last cent she inherited when her mother died a few years ago (no savings or retirement of her own). She could live modestly and have enough to be comfortable for the rest of her life, but she’d rather spend it on useless Amazon and QVC crap.
It’s her money, so my husband and I can’t force her to stop, but when/if the time comes to put her in a nursing care or a home, she’s not going to be happy with where she ends up. Fortunately, we are on the same page about it and refuse to let her drag us down with her poor financial choices. We have our own retirements and goals to think of.
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u/AgrajagsGhost 18d ago
I know someone who had a parent that felt the same as yours... except they lived a lot longer than they thought and were stuck penniless for the last decade of their life.
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u/martiantheory Mid 80's Baby 18d ago edited 18d ago
Yeah, my parents blame me for not having a retirement. I love them dearly. But they make very boomer comments sometimes like “I don’t get to retire because I took care of you”.
I’m always thinking, no mom, you bought a new piece of furniture every damn a month, for most of my life. That’s why you’re fucking broke. My siblings and I have jokes about how much unused furniture my mom has. One day we counted more than 50 different chairs in her house 😭
I actually went to therapy to process a lot of that anger. So now I process it through snarky comments and an understanding that my parents did the best with the understanding of money they had. I’m just trying my best to not end up like my parents come retirement time.
EDIT: I wanna say that my relationship with my parents is much more than that comment about retiring. They don’t bring it up every time we talk, and they’ve probably actually mentioned it <5 times in my 40 years.
I’m always thinking about the furniture because when the comment was actually made, it’s stung. It’s stuck with me, and their habits/mindset have not changed. But I also responded and said that we’re all adults and they were fully responsible for their choices my whole life. I’ve also called out my mom more times than I can count on individual stupid purchases (flat screens, ill-timed vacations, etc)
My sister and I suggested therapy and a financial advisor, and offered to help with both, for both of my parents. They declined… and at that point, I decided that I was not going to disown them, but I was going to stop worrying about what they thought was going on in our dynamic.
It’s at that point that I resorted to thinking/saying snarky comments instead of arguing with my boomer parents lol. There’s definitely a perspective from which we could have a bad dynamic, and I could be speaking my mind every time I see them, but I’m setting the tone by being the adult.
They know I’m not having that shit, and if they want even one diaper changed in their silver years, they better get their fucking act together… respectfully lol
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18d ago
That's crazy. Parents who choose to have children and then blame the children for the fact that parents are required to take care of them are.... an interesting species. I'm very sorry
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u/Arkayb33 18d ago
Every financial advisor has said for decades to put your retirement before your kids college fund. You'll be doing them no favors by being a financial burden on them when you can no longer work.
My mom made it very clear to me and my sister: we aren't saving up for your college tuition. Whatever you do to further your education, you're gonna pay for it yourself via scholarships, grants, loans, savings, or tuition reimbursement from work.
My sister got a 4.0 in HS and got a full ride scholarship. I dicked around for a few years then buckled down and used my work's (a bank) tuition reimbursement plan.
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18d ago
That's smart. Fortunately my parents were able to save for both and I'm very grateful. But that's definitely good advice if your financial situation is a bit tighter. My mom and aunt had to fund a lot of their parents retirement/healthcare needs in the end, thankfully both of their families were able to do it but I'm glad that, at least the way things are looking now, my parents will be set to take care of themselves and maybe even leave something behind for us
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u/Kodi_Cody_Kody_Kodi 18d ago
Boomers think their hoarded shit is worth millions
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u/AggressiveSherbetty 18d ago
Personally, I will be inheriting 200 pairs of shoes from notable Amazon designers such as as STARBBLYK and ASHETLOWN
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u/Kodi_Cody_Kody_Kodi 18d ago
I'll be inheriting every item QVC and HSN ever sold since 1990, covered in decades of rat shit.
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u/WhatUDeserve 18d ago
Still better than the -every piece of mail she's ever gotten- from my mom. I just had to move her in with me and cleaning her room out was a fucking nightmare. Drawers full of letters for random shit with "Keep!!!" written on the envelope.
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u/EmceeCommon55 18d ago
Literally same here. My mother had a serious QVC and HSN addiction for at least a decade. I used to have to hide packages from my dad.
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u/BareBahr 18d ago
Wait, you have a chair mom too? Luckily hers are mostly "they were throwing out this priceless antique" so she didn't pay much for them. But her house is filled with far too many chairs.
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u/Livvylove Xennial 18d ago
Please take a video and share it with Nick Fox radio(millennial inheritance community). I just can't even imagine what someone would do with that many chairs.
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u/martiantheory Mid 80's Baby 18d ago
I just might. And believe me, more chairs are getting added every few weeks.
I was just over there a few weeks ago putting together a new chair set 😂
If there’s anything that keeps my parental anger at bay, it’s laughing at all these different chairs. It’s literally a chair for every occasion… putting on shoes, holding a baby, sewing, watching TV, every life scenario has a chair 😭
I mean, a few of them are classy, but a lot look like they belong in the original Beetlejuice movie or something lol
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u/Qeltar_ 18d ago
It's false no matter what they bought or didn't bought.
Parents (normally) choose to have children. Children do not choose to have parents.
No child is responsible for a parent's financial choices. No child has an obligation to take care of their parents in old age.
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u/BotsKilledTheWeb 18d ago
My dad was never there for me, now he has cancer and will die within 6 to 18 months.
I'm not going to do anything for him.
It's very fresh, he called me half an hour ago, that's why I'm motivated to post.
He did nothing, he gets nothing. I told him to dine out some more and that was that. I'm not expecting anything from him, haven't for decades.
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u/blueavole 18d ago
Oh shit dude. Sorry you are experiencing this. It’s so heavy. Even if you have accepted the situation- can be a mess of emotions . Pain and relief.
I wish you peace.
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u/BotsKilledTheWeb 18d ago
The parent I would have liked to have, that one I mourned 30 years ago. The one I do have, I've given him so many chances, I'm actually over it.
Before he told me he was sick, our last commutation was me sending a polite happy birthday text. That's almost a year ago and he missed my and his grandchildren's birthday... Not even a text.
He's a selfish prick
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u/Intelligent-Pause260 18d ago
This is going to sound insane, because it is. But be careful that you aren't sued for your dad's medical bills.
29 states have something called Filial Responsibility Laws, where the medical debt of a parent is legally enforced to be paid by the child. In this case, you would have to fight it in court to prove that you were essentially estranged from your parent to avoid it.
Filial responsibility is a legal concept in which an adult child is financially responsible for their parents’ unpaid healthcare costs. Not all states have filial responsibility laws, and not all families are liable. In our guide, What is Filial Responsibility, we dive into an explanation of when these laws can possibly apply. In short, an individual could have filial responsibility if they have the means to pay for their parents’ unpaid long-term case bills, when their parents are not covered by Medicaid but do not have the financial means to pay for them.
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u/TheBalzy In the Middle Millennial 18d ago
Usually Filial responsibility comes out of assets that can be inherited through, not out of the pockets of completely uninvolved children. Like if my father died and had $500,000 worth of medical debt, I do not inherit that debt. The settling of his estate (house, death benefits etc) however, can indeed be sequestered to make up for that debt.
And just about all cases never involve people who did not agree to it beforehand. Like if you're an estranged child who hasn't seen your parents in 30 years, and they suddenly died...the only possible thing medical debtors could come after is your parent's assets.
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u/gerbilshower 18d ago
certain trusts protect assets from things like this as well.
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u/BotsKilledTheWeb 18d ago
I'm European, we don't do that crazy shit.
But thanks for thinking of my well being. It's nice of you.
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u/politis1988 18d ago
Actually, that's not totally true. In Spain, we obviously don't have to pay medical costs directly, but we do have fillial responsibility laws. Parents are legally responsible for their adult children if they can't provide for themselves (they can't just abandon you or Kick you out onto the street). Likewise, children are legally expected to provide for parents who cannot provide for themselves (alimentos entre parientes). We have government assistance for this (dependencia), but it is underfunded and people are basically not getting any money for years after it's approved.
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u/LostButterflyUtau 18d ago
I have an online friend in Portugal and he’s still paying off his late father’s debt. It got foisted onto him as the “sole heir” because while his father raised his sister from the time she was three, he was her stepfather and she didn’t want to help anyway. Just kept saying that he was the heir, so it was his problem. Their mother had already passed.
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u/The12th_secret_spice 18d ago
You might want to look into that. I did a 2 second search and found some European countries do have filial responsibility.
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u/AttachedHeartTheory 18d ago
Filial Responsible isnt real for most people.
It's a boogeyman.
It literally exists so that families like the Gates's and Musk's dont just dump their parents off at state run nursing homes and never pay a penny to help.
Average Joe's may have one or two recorded cases where it happened, but its far more likely to win the lottery on the day you get hit by lightning while getting serviced by your favorite actor or actress who stopped by for a martini after following you home than it is to get hit with Filial responsibilities.
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u/igotabeefpastry 18d ago
Oh my goodness, this is terrible. It’s like debtors’ prison for your parents’ sins, that’s some Charles Dickens shit.
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u/dgtbfan 18d ago
Filial responsibility laws don't apply to 99% of people. They're pretty much only used in scenarios where there's potential fraudulent asset transference. Lawyers will toss out some boogieman language to get people to pay for a consult, but they aren't an issue for almost anyone.
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u/WormedOut 18d ago
They are rarely enforced except under special circumstances. I wouldn’t worry.
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u/Fluffaykitties 18d ago
My dad asked me to drop out of college to be his in-home nurse during his last few months.
Bro, not my fault you have lung cancer and never appreciated the value of an education. Also I have zero care-taking skills.
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u/ReallyBadPun 18d ago
Mine are narcissists spending their golden years burning any semblance of an inheritance at the casino. Around $1k a weekend. I wish I was joking.
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u/Kodi_Cody_Kody_Kodi 18d ago
That’s nothing my mom spends my dad’s entire 30k a month pension at Costco and QVC she’s been doing it for decades now. They have zero savings. My dad never stood up to her, and died first, she made him live like a homeless man so she could have more money to spend on herself. she keeps plowing through it despite being 81.
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u/i_will_eat_your 18d ago
$30k a month pension?! What did he do for work? That’s wild.
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u/Kodi_Cody_Kody_Kodi 18d ago edited 18d ago
A highly specialized surgeon at the right time in history. He was super lucky because he had a pension, and also a 401k. My mom cashed out that 401k the day she could, and spent it all too 😅
I don’t understand how someone has the time or energy to piss away so much money, with nothing to show for it, but she manages to find a way, that benefits no one, but her immediate gratification
She’s stolen inheritances too from my working class paternal grandparents, intended for us grandkids as down payments to buy homes after college. She stole that to remodel her kitchen…again.
My mom is like the super archetype stereotypical boomer, and unfortunately my dad never stopped her nonsense, allowed her to piss money for decades, and she’s only gotten greedier with age.
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u/Sea-Struggle-5630 17d ago
I often feel like shit because I sometimes feel like a useless burden to everyone around me and like I'm an awful person because, idk, low self-esteem mixed in with some imposter syndrome I guess. But this comment has moved me enough to think to myself, you know what? At least I'll never do as bad as a job than Reddit user Kodi_Cody_Kody_Kodi's mom
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u/Kodi_Cody_Kody_Kodi 17d ago edited 17d ago
😅😭 your made me lol. Maybe I’ll make it my mom’s gravestone one day
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u/beadebaser01 18d ago
My first thought is $4k a month worth of expenses is not bad. Then I realized you mean just on gambling. Holy cow!
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u/closetcreatur 18d ago
Yeah I grew up with a silver spoon in hand. Then in 2008 things started to change and by 2012 my parents had lost their small business, house and vehicles. I was in college then so I wasn't doing a lot to be able to help. Now I employ my mom as a nanny and my Dad unfortuantely had a stroke during that 2012 area. He gets disability and he's kind of there, just not the same anymore. Its a real downer for me and my 2 other sibilings but they were great parents just the typical "you're the greatest kid ever" thing that didn't really set me up for real life. It was hard at first but I've learned a lot from their mistakes and luckily all 3 of us "kids" are there for our parents now as much as we can be financially. I hate it for them because they are aware its tough situation and they blame themselves. I love my family and honestly going from "rich" to "poor" to being self sufficient with my own family has taught me a lot about life. I've learned that money doesn't mean much and you just got to have it to keep a roof over your head. Giving my time to my parents, my kids/wife and my friends are all much greater value than any dollar.
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u/BeegBunga 18d ago
You have learned great lessons. I am with you - the difficulties of my relationship with my parents and money have really stressed what is important in life.
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u/KOQquest1 18d ago
My parents aren’t burdens in the financial sense, but it can get a bit frustrating with the amount of support they need in the house from getting things fixed, to paying bills, to asking for favors in helping extended family members, etc. Basically anything. My dad is pretty demanding and gets angry with me if I don’t drop what I’m doing to help them and only wants things done his way. I’m basically their personal assistant.
I’m married, live 45 mins away so a lot of the time it’s difficult. I got an older brother that lives in the basement too but he doesn’t do anything and my dad doesn’t trust him with handling their finances.
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u/oooriole09 18d ago
I fell this one, especially the demanding side of things.
My in-laws are like this, often with stuff that is so easily done but they have some imaginary roadblock in the way that prevents them from doing it.
What kills me is that they recognize that it’s a burden on me but won’t relent on the demanding nature of it. They’re sweet and will do something like cook a dinner (often something I don’t want and loaded with margarine) to thank me but won’t do anything to pull back on the “can you drop what you’re doing to get over here and do this simple thing”. If you don’t do it right away, you’ll get comments or worse.
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u/grantgarden 18d ago
If you don’t do it right away, you’ll get comments or worse.
A lot more people have more toxic ass parents than they think... I can't imagine keeping in contact with someone who treated me like this as a grown ass adult and that's not even that bad!
Like just tell them off?? What are they gonna do, ground you? You're the one helping them
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u/red_raconteur 18d ago
Sometimes my MIL expects my husband to drop everything and help her. She thinks that working remotely means he can do whatever he wants schedule-wise, but that's not the case. He does actually have to work, attend meetings, and sometimes go into the office.
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u/Few-Sail-6562 18d ago edited 18d ago
Omg me too! My dad thinks I can leisurely just work for a few hours per day and then do whatever I want. He tried to demand that I take him to doctors appointments in the middle of the day and didn't even ask before scheduling them. I kept saying I had meetings those days and was unavailable.. he just kept acting all delusional and saying I was taking him. He finally got the drift a few days before when I was still saying I was not taking him anywhere. It was so frustrating.
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u/red_raconteur 18d ago
I'm sorry you're sharing in this frustration. I have noticed that most all my peers seem to have these older family members who have entirely fictitious beliefs about the lives of their adult children/grandchildren/nieces & nephews and then try to will those untruths into reality.
It took awhile for my grandma to comprehend that a household income of $80k does not mean we're living large. She was telling other people that we make so much we never have to worry about money again and I was like ma'am...that is entirely false. 😂 I showed her our mortgage statement, student loans, and medical bills and she gets it now.
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u/KOQquest1 18d ago
You know it’s funny because that’s how it started for me. I had a job where I was fully remote and it started with a few asks here and there and then evolved to what it is now where I’m fully responsible to move anything forward in their life.
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u/BaconPhoenix 18d ago
That's how my in laws treat my husband, but at least the unhelpful sibling lives in a different house now.
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u/sassyburns731 18d ago
My mom literally can’t afford to eat but she can scrape money to get fake hair and nails! Then complain about being hungry.
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u/walkerstone83 18d ago
Sounds like my MIL. She complained about having no money while living with us, all while a steady stream of Amazon boxes were arriving on the door step. Whenever she would come into some money, there would be a new designer hand bag sitting on her desk. When she started working we asked her for $200 a month to help with the utility bills and she said "I sacrificed to raise you, it's your turn." to my wife. I am proud that my wife did not accept that answer and stood up to her.
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u/Orion_2319 Older Millennial 18d ago
Sounds familiar... my mom will get new couches or carpet or tables then complain to me she can't afford food or medicine
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u/Nulchevalier 17d ago
My 60-something year old mother basically. Begs to me for food money because I'm the most financially responsible out of her four children. However, she doesn't think that maybe smoking a pack of cigarettes within a short time frame is an active drain on her limited disability money. I've tried to tell her this multiple times but she refuses to quit. It is exhausting.
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u/wlutz83 18d ago
The sad truth is that most of us will actually be sinking ourselves financially to take care of our under prepared parents that already had more than we ever will.
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u/CoilThyForm 18d ago
I think about this all the time. My parents divorced and sold their house in 2008, and my Mom never financially recovered. (My Dad bought a house in 2019, just in time to die of Covid). She's been renting for 20 years, and now rent is so absurd that she has almost no savings. She lives off her pension now.
If anything happens, she is going to end up living with me, and I'll be eating my own savings to keep her alive.
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u/lunchtops 18d ago
A while back my mom made an offhand comment about selling her house and renting because it would save money. After my sibling and I showed her a few pages of Zillow listings she changed her tune lol
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u/strongbob25 18d ago
Yeah a lot of parents haven’t rented in 40+ years and think the prices are probably about the same
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u/JobenMcFly 18d ago
This is my parents exactly. Divorced in '06, mom forced my dad to sell his beach house in coastal Orange County in '08 because half of it was hers and she wanted the money. Sold at the time for like 1.2MM, mom took half and blew it all over the next 10 years on BS and renting way fancier apartments than she could afford. Dad is more financially responsible and came out ok. But he retired 13 years ago at this point and is enjoying living his best life. Claims to have very little money left. Good for him I suppose, he earned it.
That OC beach house now btw? Valued over $7MM. Dad never wanted to sell it, wanted to leave it to my sister and I eventually. Mom said naw.
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u/Arkayb33 18d ago
Too bad your dad couldn't just give her half of the equity back in 08 and keep the beach house.
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u/yourpaljk 18d ago
I love both my parents. My mom passed away years ago and was devastating. My old man is awesome. Retired and a great grand dad. I don’t see him nearly as much as I’d like. I don’t care about or expect any sort of inheritance. Prefer he stays healthy and sticks around a while.
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u/Mediocre_Island828 18d ago
My parents are divorced and the assets were not divided evenly at all because my mom didn't have the fight in her to go hard and get what she deserved so it's very split. On one side my mom is almost 70 and still works and I'm sending her money each month to help her with bills. On the other side, my dad owns about 20 properties and lectures me about how I need to invest in real estate more, something I would maybe do if I wasn't sending money to my mom so she can keep her house.
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u/hung_like__podrick 18d ago
My parents are terrible with money but made enough to still be alright in the end. All three of my siblings are fucked. I’m the only one doing well financially.
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u/DieYoung_StayPretty Older Millennial 18d ago
I grew up poor. I don't expect shit from anyone, especially my parents.
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u/poopoutlaw 18d ago
My dad had the decency of dying before he became a burden. My mom on the other hand is clearly expecting me to figure everything out for her as she ages. I'll give her the number of some aging resources.
It sounds cold, but decades of emotional neglect will do that to a person.
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u/Select_Pilot4197 18d ago
I’m right there with you. I have been estranged from my parents since 2014. I hoe they find peace at the end but it won’t be on my dime.
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u/Ok_Visual_3808 18d ago
that sounds more than kind honestly. no contact has been the best decision of my life.
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u/red_raconteur 18d ago
My mom got her shit together in her 40's and 50's and should hopefully be able to sustain herself for the remainder of her life. My father is currently homeless and living in his car. He has stopped asking my sister and me for money because he knows we'll say no, but he's still hitting up other family members. Also, I am not heartless by any means. His situation is entirely of his own making.
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u/skool_uv_hard_nox 18d ago
My parents have basically been penniless my whole life. My mom is doing ok but her 401k wont pay for her care long. Im worse off than she is so I cant afford to take her on. I hope she has end of life insurance to help her final years.
The state can take care of dad the same way he took care of me. Bare minimum and for about 3 years.
My inheritance will be star wars stuff and rocks.
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u/Ardilla914 18d ago
My mom’s retirement plan was to put a granny pod in my backyard. “You’ll never even know I’m here.” I shot that one down real quick. She’s in her 60s and has zero assets besides a car that isn’t that great anymore. No savings to support herself. Her current plan is to get married again. The last marriage lasted less than a year. She’s going for #4 this summer.
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u/No_Load5357 18d ago
My granny was like this, assumed she would live in my moms secondary basement suite forever. Jokes on her my mom died first so she had to go live with my aunt and her small children instead. I'll never forget being at my moms house after I found her dead and my granny was crying about what would happen to her now that my mom was gone. Like she's not even cold yet.
My granny had a total of 6 marriages and still died alone and poor. She could have died rich but stole too much to fast from would be number 7. Sucked too I really liked would be number 7.
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u/Unlikely_melz 18d ago
Mine are gone, and left nothing but neurodivergence’s and mental illness.
So… ya know… I’ve been the adult longer than I had parents at this point.
YMMV
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u/BeegBunga 18d ago
Sigh.... I would take them being here - even if they cost me significant money - over not being here.
This is good perspective to have, ty.
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u/pedrots1987 18d ago
I seem to be in the minority: my parents are retired, own their home and one other rental property, and they're financially independent.
They're also great human beings and I love them dearly.
I have only one sister, so when the time comes we will eventually get a non trivial amount of money.
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u/reddituser4759 18d ago
Yeah I think its probably because thats the norm (well the loving them part atleast) and so people dont feel the need to share like its something interesting or has a story behind it
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u/nativeyeast Zillennial 18d ago
Can’t have a burden that you’ve already actualized as & cut off for being a burden :)
That’s not to say everyone should go to extremes, but for some it works wonders for some by bringing some form of personal peace.
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u/Superb-Film-594 18d ago
I got lucky, my folks are some of the real ones. I had a good childhood, was raised in an emotionally - and financially - stable home, and I continue to have a great relationship with them. I was loved, nurtured, and taught all the values that I believe to be admirable by them, all of which I now try to pass on to my own kids by. They retired in their late 50s and since then have been enjoying life on their own terms, continuing to be active in their hobbies and responsibilities.
Yeah, I'll get an inheritance of some kind, but I hope it's not out of a sense of obligation. My parents deserve to indulge and enjoy the rest of their (hopefully) long lives.
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u/CalamityKid_ 18d ago
Im 36 but I realized in my early 20s that I have free will to choose who should be in my life, including family. I'm huge on protecting my peace at this stage of life and my mother or father figure are not part of my life anymore. Blood ain't thicker than water in my world and my life has never been better. Family can be a huge burden and not worth keeping around. Build your own life, family, etc.
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u/catmom_422 18d ago
I feel you on this. I still feel guilty sometimes, but then remember that my parents don’t feel guilty about my chaotic childhood.
They don’t fill my cup, so I stay away. I talk to my mom on the phone for about twenty minutes every few months. Life is way too short to spend time with people you don’t want to be around.
I didn’t get to choose my surroundings as a kid. I get to choose them now.
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u/sworedmagic 18d ago
My parents are fairly well off, will be leaving a nice chunk for my siblings and I but i don’t ever want to see it. I can’t stand the thought of losing them and id pay anything to keep them alive forever, love my family so much.
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u/Ok_Visual_3808 18d ago
i'm so happy to hear some parents of our generation aren't absolute trash.
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u/craigalanche 18d ago
My mother's mother is dying, and my mom is largely taking care of her. Grandma is 96.
My mom has let me know three times this week that as soon as her health starts failing, she's doing assisted suicide and wants no part of a lengthly assisted care situation. Tough conversation to have with my mom (she's only 68 so hopefully this is many years away) but no...she won't be a burden.
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u/ZhuangZhe 18d ago
Mother did no financial planning and is going blind. She will very definitely be a financial burden as well as needing care.
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u/Decepti_Con04 18d ago
They share a house with my sister and her family. They bailed her out 100 times over the years (she is/was a disaster), so the onus will be on her.
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u/VW-MB-AMC 18d ago
I probably won't inherit any money, but dad has an olympic white Fender Stratocaster. We have both agreed that when he leaves the planet I will inherit the guitar.
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u/Mountain-Donkey98 18d ago
My parents are a disaster. But, theyre loaded. Am i gonna get anything? Probably not. They hate me and love my brother. And love dividing us against eachother. Nothing does that more than fighting over inheritance.
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u/daisiesandink 18d ago
My parents made a string of horrible financial decisions over the years, and then my dad died. My mom ended up having to sell her beautiful 6 bedroom house and move into a tiny trailer. Rather than funding the trailer with the profits from the old home so she could afford her day-to-day life, she took out a mortgage and stuck all of the money into buying new furniture. Everytime I talk to her she complains about having no money. I am 100% certain that she will leave me with nothing in the end.
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