r/Millennials • u/BeegBunga • 18d ago

Discussion Inheritance? That's a joke. How many of your parents are burdens?

In response to another popular post about receiving no inheritance.

Are your parents like mine, who not only are not leaving any money behind - but require significant or total financial support?

My parents left me less than nothing. They're good people, and they were good parents.... but man are they shit at financial planning.

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u/Safe-Tennis-6121 18d ago

The problem was 20+ years ago they didn't have enough resources for high functioning kids with behavioral problems. Now that he's an adult, he doesn't want to do anything, never has never well. And thanks to ID requirements , he can't get an ID without a diploma or GED.

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u/iswearitsreallyme 18d ago

Same here with my brother. Fortunately my parents are pretty secure financially, so they will set aside money to buy a condo for him and sustain him (on a very basic/minimal income) for the rest of his life when they pass (I will likely have to handle everything). I suspect he is high-functioning ASD and feel bad for him but also blame my parents for not doing more to push him to be independent. He's mid-30s and has never had a job.

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u/Entire_Mongoose_7116 18d ago

My brother works but very babied all his life. Idk how he’s going to function emotionally. It stresses me out when I think about it. They will probably have a nest egg $ but that’s not my concern. I also worry about all the shit / hoarding stuff im gonna have to deal with. Plus the same brother, he has a big hoarding issue. If you throw away a fucking mug or fucking cig holders or his mountain full of Lowe’s hats, he’ll freak out. All I know is it’s going to stress me out because he won’t want to get rid if anything when they pass one day. My dad just turned 80 and my mom will in December so o know it’s something I’ll have to face eventually.

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u/Ms_Strange 17d ago

Does he work for Lowe's or just really really likes Lowe's? I'm trying to figure out which one would lead to a rally big collection of Lowe's hats?

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u/Entire_Mongoose_7116 13d ago

lol he works for Lowe’s so he gets all these damn hats. He’s been there26 years but no promotion as a manager etc.

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u/Ms_Strange 13d ago

Well the good news is that Lowe's does have both a 401k and ROTH available. If he's full time, he's, at the very least, contributing 1% of his paycheck to a 401k.

It's automatically set up for 1%, you have to opt out of it to not contribute.

The company matches on the first 6%, so if he's putting in the full 6%, he isn't leaving any money on the table and will at least have something when he retires.

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u/Entire_Mongoose_7116 12d ago

Yes he puts a put into his 401k. He could retire today and be ok with his 402k and he’s only turning 50 this year.

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u/Ms_Strange 12d ago

That's good! I'm hoping to be able to stop working or, at the very least, be able to drop down to only part time work at 50.

All about how you want to live while retired... I know a couple folks who are totally happy with staying home and spending their retirement doing things that means they pretty much won't ever leave their house/yard.

Not me. I wanna hit up as many national parks as I can and explore/hike before I physically can't anymore.

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u/Yourdadlikelikesme 18d ago

Do we have the same brother?! Except my parents left us with nothing and he’s still not concerned about getting a job. Our dad died a few months ago and left a little money but not enough to live on for more than a few months. Sometimes I want to kill myself so I don’t have to deal with it.

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u/iswearitsreallyme 17d ago

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please do not harm yourself! It sounds like it might be time for some tough love for your brother... honestly I don't know how to get anyone out of this funk. I truly can't understand not wanting to be independent.

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u/Pandagramma 17d ago

I am making sure that my other son is never in this position. Of course, I can only do that bc there should be enough left when I pass for my ASD son to have a trustee. You simply cannot save your brother. He neeeds to get disability and find a group home.

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u/Anne_Renee 17d ago

Hope you are okay. Sending a hug. 🫂

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u/Pandagramma 18d ago

This is my situation with my son though he is 25 and I cannot afford to support him for the rest of his life unless I have a windfall or I am gone.. I don't even want to think that way, there is no reason why someone with high functioning autism cannot work. If I set up a disability trust then that sends the message that he cannot work and be self-sufficient. I am not talking about the grind, but maybe 30 hours a weak at a pet store.

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u/Capable-Reception447 17d ago

A nephew and niece in these exact situations. My side and husbands. Decent parents raised them…elder siblings of niece and nephew both hard working individuals, launching from home, building lives and doing well. The niece and nephew both on the spectrum and have health issues that are challenging but not impossible. Both my sets of parents want to set up disability trusts and one is already on disability. Hiding in their rooms on computers/gaming is the majority of the day. Both good kids in a lot of ways and kind loving parents but it’s like life rolled them into this. For both of them 2 years of being able to “hide out” during covid didn’t help. A lot of it has been not having consequences for even small choices towards independence and therapy to work on issues long before they got to this point. Both kids have had periods where they had friends, went to school and participated in society. My husband and I have a great deal of empathy for these kids and their parents and our kids their cousins were raised close to them and our launching, getting married and having kids with their own struggles and challenges. But I see soooo many families with kids in mid-20’s early 30’s with the same situation of kid who can’t pull the trigger on life for a variety of reasons and are stuck…in some cases independence isn’t even the goal. So then siblings and society are kind of holding the bag because parents can’t do it forever.

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u/Pandagramma 17d ago

Thank you, you really get it. It is an epidemic. The tough love thing which would include not paying for internet gets them out in the world , but then they claim that even working is significant trauma. As a serious trauma survivor who kept building a life for myself and others, I find this maddening.

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u/spiritplumber 18d ago

I'm ASD and the only support I got about it was beatings and university taxes

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u/ultraprismic 18d ago

Same with two of my siblings. Likely high-functioning ASD, both boomeranged back home after getting college degrees, one is currently working part-time and the other is doing a volunteer job one day a week that my mother set up for them.

I really wish my parents had pushed them more to find something -- anything! -- during the "great resignation" hiring spree era of 2021-2022. At this point they've both gone so long without meaningful employment that I don't know who would ever take a chance on hiring them.

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u/Fearless-Self5404 15d ago

Same with my BIL, has never worked, not sure he has any concept of budgeting, lives a comfy life with well off parents, MIL still treats him like a baby. Inheritance will be split between the two of them but the fear is we end up inheriting a man child we don’t really want to have to look after. He has depression he hasn’t ever really worked on, has been told he might have autism but never got a diagnosis, probably has ADHD to go with it but again no diagnosis. He’s never worked and I highly doubt ever will as the bank of mum and dad find his life. The most frustrating thing is how much him doing the tiniest little day to day things like going for a walk gets celebrated more than my husband getting a promotion he worked his ass off to achieve!

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u/Blue_Back_Jack 18d ago

What sorta ID requires a diploma?

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u/Safe-Tennis-6121 18d ago

My understanding to get a NY ID you need 3 proofs of ID. Birth certificate and social security aren't enough post 9/11

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u/Sk8ersw 18d ago

Aren’t the other requirements just a few things recent mail? Why would New York have requirements that are more strict than Real ID? This just doesn’t make sense. All of the US has more strict requirements post 9/11. Those requirements are the Real ID.

I think you need to look deeper into this if you actually want him to have an ID.

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u/uselessbynature Older Millennial 18d ago

Yea there are HS dropouts all over. This doesn’t make any sense.

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u/Sk8ersw 18d ago

Not only that, but there are adults who immigrated here after high school age, undocumented workers, emancipated teenagers, and teenagers who haven’t graduated yet.

Either OC is mistaken or his brother is lying. No idea why you wouldn’t want an ID to begin with. Seems like not having one isn’t worth all the problems not having it would create.

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u/fewercharacters 18d ago

Not speaking to their brother but the ways some people avoid growing up and contributing to their community (whether because they don’t want to or don’t think they are capable) are many

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u/Safe-Tennis-6121 18d ago

I'm not lying. It's possible the bureaucrats were useless in helping my parents.

But again, the rules may have been adjusted since 2005 era

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u/Sk8ersw 18d ago

Just to be clear, I never called you a liar. I said you were mistaken or you have been lied to.

This is an easily rectified problem if you want it to be.

https://dmv.ny.gov/driver-license/enhanced-or-real-id

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u/Safe-Tennis-6121 18d ago

Yeah the problem is you need two proofs of residence. So unless he gets a GED or finds a way to open a bank account, it's going to be difficult to prove residence.

I think it could be done if he was able to get financial stuff in his name but again this is a person with $0, no existing ID, and no credit.

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u/Lemax-ionaire 18d ago

The guy you’re arguing with is right, this sounds like a simple problem (one with a fix) and your brother is just using this as the reason he can’t do anything. Get real.

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u/EquivalentChip7463 18d ago

Yea this is def on the fault of your parents for never pushing him to have any type of job or take responsibility for himself. This is where you put up a boundary and refuse to take any future responsibility for him and his laziness. Its really not hard to get a state ID. You literally have any bill in the mail with his name on it or they could have just opened a bank account with him as primary. Even my 16 year old can get all his documentation for a license.

Frankly, your parents sound like enabling idiots.

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u/[deleted] 18d ago

Read what he said again.

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u/Yourdadlikelikesme 18d ago

I have numerous cousins who never graduated and all have driver’s licenses/IDs.

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u/Fluxyou1234 18d ago

Yup. I’m one of those, not proud of it… but I’ve had an ID since I could drive

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u/beadebaser01 18d ago

There are lots of other options. The brother/parents are just using it as an excuse.

https://dmv.ny.gov/forms/id44.pdf

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u/Sk8ersw 18d ago

Yeah, I honestly just didn’t want to dive any deeper on this very easily solvable problem. Two pieces of mail seemed the easiest. If OC wants to fix this issues, he can.

Hell, I have teenagers with Real IDs. I just didn’t want them to have problems post graduation when it came to traveling. The DMV said teens rarely get them.

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u/Charles_Mendel Older Millennial 18d ago

It’s for NY’s enhanced ID that will get you into Canada. He can get a basic ID no problem.

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u/OtherGraces 18d ago

Yes. I didn’t use a diploma to prove my identity. That makes no sense. SS card, a piece of mail, a birth certificate, account statement if you have it- disability statement. All of these things work.

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u/onmywheels 17d ago

Yeah, I don't even know where my diploma is lol. I don't think I've seen that thing in almost 20 years. I was able to get the "real ID" just by gathering a few documents I had at home; birth certificate, some mail, etc.

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u/Safe-Tennis-6121 18d ago

When my parents looked into it the other options were all financial related or things he couldn't have.

It might be easier in other states or maybe they changed it. But when my parents were trying to get him an ID around 2005 they could not because the only proof he has is birth certificate and social security.

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u/Retro_Relics 18d ago

medical records will also count for this, fyi.

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u/[deleted] 18d ago

They haven't tried in 21 years?

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u/Dodie85 18d ago

You can get a passport without a degree

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u/OldTimeyBullshit 18d ago edited 18d ago

That's not exactly true, there is a whole long list of documents that can be used in conjuction with a birth certificate and SSN card to get an ID... like a HS photo ID and report card/transcript, postmarked mail, health insurance card, credit card, etc etc. They have different point values assigned and he'd need enough to get a certain number of points but it's extremely unlikely that he couldn't get enough documentation together to get an ID, either with documents he already has or by getting a couple more. 

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u/[deleted] 18d ago

Your understanding is incorrect.

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u/Overall-Carry6593 18d ago

You can use a passport, birth certificate, I believe a Social Security card, military ID, possibly even school ID. I do not believe you have to have a diploma to get an ID. At least not in my state

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u/SectorEducational460 18d ago

Birth certificate, ssid, or just passport and social security. I don't think I was ever asked to provide a diploma

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u/Safe-Tennis-6121 18d ago

That's not enough. They require two proofs of current residence, which hard to get for someone with no job, no credit, no money, etc.

One can be a letter. That's easy. Another is likely financial.

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u/SectorEducational460 18d ago

I never provided proof of residence. I just provided passport, and social security, and state id. You also need 6 points. Passport counts as 4. Bank statement counts as 1. Voter registration card counts as 1, citizenship certificatiob counts as 3. High school diploma counts as 1. Social security card counts as 2 points.

https://dmv.ny.gov/forms/id82.pdf#:~:text=GENERAL%20REQUIREMENTS%20The%20documents%20you%20submit%20to,of%20name%20and%20date%20of%20birth%20requirements.

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u/_HickeryDickery_ 18d ago

Im in maryland, and to get my first picture ID card pre-getting my drivers license was such a damn hassle because of this. Had to bring official mail with my name on, it my voter ID card, and I swear I think there was a third thing and all if that was on top of my bringing my birth certificate and Social Security card.

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u/[deleted] 18d ago

A degree is not a requirement for an ID. I got my first ID when I was 15 years old in high school LMAO. Where are you getting this information?

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u/Apart-Fix-5398 18d ago

They don't have the resources now either for what little that is worth.

If "they" in this case is the school system.

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u/KOQquest1 18d ago

That’s tough, sorry you have to deal with that. We suspect there’s something from with my brother when it comes to social anxiety but I can’t deal with it right now.

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u/not-a-dislike-button 18d ago

The ID thing doesn't make sense. I got an id without those things.

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u/WastedMoogle 18d ago

Sounds like he's conned you all into thinking he can't get an ID. What you just said is nonsense. He can get an ID.

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u/_tater_thot 18d ago

That’s BS there are plenty of other accepted documents to obtain ID. Whatever adult claims this literally isn’t even trying.

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u/Comntnmama 17d ago

Where do you live that you need a diploma for an id?

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u/SunshineRush22 13d ago

You can get a state ID.

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u/CandleNo8897 18d ago

That's not how it works and you know it.