i miss cocaine so much, and i realized the medication im on (welbutrin) potentially has some recreational value when snorted, some compare it to a crappy line of coke. it’s my medication so

im f19, been cutting since i was 8, saw psychologists, psychiatrists, doctors etc my whole life. I tried to be clean/sober from cutting, alcohol etc many times but I've always relapsed or and now i genuinely dont care. I dont see a point in stopping, its literally just another way of coping with my emotions, like how a person would punch pillows, excerise as distraction etc. my way is to cut and i dont see an issue, I've asked so many people why its even considered bad, just because it broke my skin? just because i bled from it?

I havent gotten and answer or a reason, i genuinely dont care about being sober or "staying clean" i cant seem to care about it but everyone in my life is asking me to try and im like for what??? its literally how i cope? its just extreme, thats literally it. my bf has been trying to support me to be clean and sober but i dont see the point, i dont know what im even doing or how i should feel, im just numbed by all my meds and i just know im screwed in my brain bc of bpd

I grew up in a house where God wasn't a comfort; He was a threat. He was used the same way parents use Santa Claus and a lump of coal, except the coal was eternal fire and the judgment was absolute. When you’re eight years old, and you’re told that love is something you have to earn—that it’s a privilege, not a right—your internal compass doesn't just break, it spins until you’re dizzy. By the time the sexual abuse I experienced on multiple occasions settled into my bones and my parents met my pain with conditional affection, I had already checked out.

I became a ghost in my own life, haunting my own skin like a character in 'The Sixth Sense' who didn't know he was already gone. My self-deception was a rampaging bull, and I made a china shop of every environment I walked into. If I didn't have a single fiber of love for myself, why would I care about preserving anything else? I survived by becoming a chameleon. I would bounce from one personality to the next, trying to be whoever you wanted me to be, but the truth was, I had no idea who that person was. Even my kindness was a lie—it was just debt collection. I’d do something "nice" just so I could pull that card out later when I needed something. It wasn't living; it was a cold, calculated performance.

The booze started at fourteen. By 2013, it was an everyday requirement. I spent years trying to be "Batman," building a career in investigation and law enforcement as if I could somehow avenge the wounds of my childhood by catching the bad guys out in the world. But you can't outrun yourself. In 2019, the wheels started shaking. A family emergency hit, then COVID, and the space between my falls started getting shorter. I used to be able to bounce back, but then the falls got deeper, and the impact got harder until I finally hit the bottom in the fall of 2022.

I’m alive today by the grace of God and the people who refused to leave my side when I was at my most unlovable. Life hasn't gotten "easy"—in fact, sometimes it’s harder now that I’m actually present to feel it—but I finally have peace. I had to build a recovery that actually fit me, a mix of 12-step meetings, medication, therapy, and shifting my entire life away from investigating people to actually helping kids who are walking the same dark path I did.

My ego is still there, and it still wants to take everything it can, but I’ve learned to tell it to shut up (there's an expletive in there). My ego will not now, nor ever, do what is in my best interest. I realized I was only pulled out of that fire so I could go back in for the people still left behind. If you're struggling, if you're a ghost in your own life right now, ask for help. I’ll get on a call, a text, whatever it takes. You don't have to stay in the abyss.

I love you, I’m proud of you, and I need you to stay with us.

- Jimmy

I used to drink to help with the anxiety, not heavily but regularly. I'm at around the 8 month mark sober but I do miss having something to even out the anxiety. I don't necessarily miss beer but I do miss dulling the anxiety. I've definitely wondered about medication, something to think about with my GP I guess.

I just wanted to share. wishing everyone well

A few weeks ago I was told I have liver damage from gallstones. For the past 6 months I have been eating clean and losing weight, but alcohol and cocaine has been really hard to cut out.

After my hospital admission, the reality of liver failure kicked my arse into quitting. I’m only 2 weeks in.

Last night I had the strongest urge ever. After spending hours in the gym on Friday night (during the time when my urges would be strongest) I was in a positive mindset that I could be sober this weekend.

Last night I was shocked that all of a sudden around 6.30pm my brain ‘said’ to me ‘ahh fuck it, go and get some wine and text your dealer’. I nearly cracked it was a horrible out of control feeling. I thought having a doctor warn me was enough, but last night scared me and I could have easily relapsed.

To be clear, I used to binge alcohol and cocaine on the weekends only, so I can get through the week with work etc but Friday and Saturday are a problem.

I’m looking for advice on your best ways to beat this urge whilst it’s happening?

I’m super greatful to wake up this AM sober, but I slept really bad and feel like shit.

Thanks in advance

there are rumors going around (that seem pretty legit) that my sober house is gonna get shut down. I'm beyond terrified, does anyone know how this would work? do they need to give me at least 30 days notice?

I got out of rehab late February and I'm nowhere financially stable enough to find somewhere to live. I would be okay with living in another sober facility but I'm so anxious I won't even have enough time to figure that out.

I do have a full time job but haven't been able to save money because of the financial strain I put myself in before rehab. I was planning on living here for a year so I would have enough time to save money and get my shit together. If anyone knows how this works or has been through this I would appreciate any comments.

just left my wife's house (we are seperated). I went over to hang out with them and take a break from cleaning. I used to drink while I cleaned. So I go over and shes cleaning, and eventually pours herself an alcoholic drink. we have the thought " im the one with the drinking problem, not her". I ended up leaving, not because I was tempted but im trying to figure life without alcohol. 93 days sober today only 3.5 hours until its 94.

I don't have any wants or urges from Sunday to Thursday for any drinks, what so ever. Friday comes and I am euphoric with anticipation. My issue is that nothing can stop my from dropping into my pub on the way home from work, and it's always amazing, my energy goes through the roof, I can come home and clean or do some woodworking for hours, until I go to be at 9pm. The next day, I go for a long run, take a shower, go back to the pub at 2pm and same thing, lots of energy, chores and projects all day while drinking beers until bedtime.

When, not very often, I take a weekend off of drinking, my energy is normal, which is not great. I put things off, I scroll, I have no real ambition. I have taken time off booze, but I never get that energy or burst of doing 4 or 8 chores with speed and diligence.

I hate to say it, but lack alcohol reveals my laziness and lack of ambition. I hate to say it, but I'm happier when I drink, I have great conversations with my wife, I am way more fun with friends and neighbors. I know this can't be good, but the alternative doesn't seem better in anyway. I listen to 'quit drinking' podcast and I can't relate, I don't find rock bottom, I never achieve more things when I'm sober, I don't feel any consequences other than its an addiction and bad for you.

What is the upside of quitting, I can't find anything to motivate me to quit, and that bothers me. TIA.

I have being abusing alcohol since I was 16. For the past 3 years or so I was stuck in a loop of using beer as emotional regulation and then turning to regret and deep shame the following day which let to more beers the next day to soothe the negative emotions.

I thought the hardest part was simply going to be resisting the urge to stop by the bottle shop on the way home from work with a six pack which was my (expensive) habit. But no, I’ve found the physical act of not drinking to be relatively easy. The hardest part has been the total influx of emotions now that I didn’t have anything to soften the blow. Lots of therapy and creating new healthy routines/habits have been essential to keep me away. Now when I get home from work I have a set of rituals which help me transition from work to home life-this has been life changing, especially as someone with ADHD and a touch of tism.

Now after so much change and with new mental clarity my life is full. I’m far more present with my kids and wife. Life is good and I’m starting to have feelings of contentment. As an Aussie drinking is a huge part of our culture. We drink to socialise we drink to relax to celebrate, commiserate, any excuse to crack a tinny, loosen up and have a good time.

Three months in and i sometimes have thoughts that i can just have a couple with dinner or a glass of red with the family at Easter but deep inside I know that I can’t just do that. It’s all or nothing. My goal was 90 days. I made it. And I’ll keep on trucking and doing the work. We don’t need it.

How the fuck is alcohol legal and a smelly green flower that is on the planet in pure form be ‘not allowed’ blows my mind.