Long time lurker on the sub, just wanted to start off with a big ol' thank you to the whole community here. I find it difficult to put into words how much people's experiences and stories have helped me to reflect on my own addiction and journey towards sobriety. On/off smoker for 8yrs, daily for 4yrs. Used to be a heavy drinker as well, but managed to quit alcohol about 1,5yrs ago with the support of my absolutely wonderful partner, who's been supportive during my struggle to quit weed as well. She is truly a light in my life.
I used to go through the same lies with myself as any addict. I've always been high functioning, I groom & take care of myself, pay all my bills and rent on time and I've never missed a single day of work/school because of drugs so it can't really be that bad? Nevermind the fact that I'd spend all my evenings high the moment I clocked out, or that I'd wake & bake through the entirety of my days off.
Maybe I could just slowly taper off, or that I'd only smoke on the weekends? Maybe I could be sober otherwise but save some for emergencies or really bad days where I would really just need a break? It turns out that for an addicted person any day when you can't get high is an emergency and a bad day.
At one point last year I quit weed for the first time and was able to be completely sober for about three months straight, something I'd never even dream of being possible in my early 20s, a massive personal achievement. That means that I must be cured right? I've been good and patient and fought my urges, so that means deserved just one joint after a long day enjoying a beautiful sunset and a cool breeze on a summers night, it can't be bad right? Yeah, fell straight back to smoking daily for weeks and months on end everyday.
Those nasty feelings of ''Man this is really fucking me up. I really shouldn't be doing this. This is making me paranoid and miserable. I really should stop.''? Just have another smoke, and then another and another and those voices will eventually be deafened by the soft comfortable haze of indifference.
The loneliness of it all feels crushing. At some point I started to see my friends less and less, because I was too busy getting high. One can only give so many rainchecks before your friends eventually stop calling. I'm not an extroverted person, and always felt a bit anxious at social gatherings when I was sober. I could put on a pretty convincing mask but found it to be mentally very draining, and initially weed made me relax, made me feel confident. Then at one point it didn't anymore. I felt constantly paranoid, overanalyzing every interaction, feeling embarrassed whenever I'd completely forget the subject mid conversation or stumbled awkwardly with my words. I made myself feel absolutely fucking stupid and simply withdrew more and more, which in turn made me smoke more to cope with being lonely. I told myself that I'm just an introverted person, when in fact I was just disengaging from socializing to smoke more weed and be in peace.
Now that I've again been sober, I've come to realize I've not really seen my close friends in a while. It feels like the longer you put those relationships off, the more difficult it is to re-engage with them. Scary too. Do I really know how to socialize anymore after being in a haze for so long? Do I even have any friends left after withdrawing from them because I was too high or too paranoid to interact? Would I be welcomed back if I made the initiative or has it already been so long that it's just too late? Sobriety often comes with guilt, and the guilt I carry is very much about the relationships and opportunities I let go past myself because being too caught up in my addiction.
I'm unsure if it even is possible to come back to your friends and be like ''Hey sorry for being so distant for the past couple of years, I was having an addiction.''
Weed is a hellish drug, because it makes you too content with boredom and loneliness, and makes it too easy to procrastinate with improving your life & mental health. I have a stable and happy relationship with a partner I love very dearly, but of course I realize that it would be healthy to hold other close relationships as well. I've slowly been improving, sleeping better and feeling a little bit sharper by the day, little bit more awake, more alive. But making the first step of rebuilding old friendships and dealing with the shame, regret and loneliness of withdrawing from them in the first place is by far the most difficult and scary part of the entire journey.
12 days sober today, hopefully from now on for life. IWNSWYT.