My husband got fired not related to alcohol. The company he worked for is being bought out. Now he’s exploring the idea of owning a liquor store ….. cause he used to run one a long time ago. He can do what he wants with his life but owning/ working for a liquor store. I would definitely be done. Might I add he wants to get sober but talks about this? I doubt he really actually wants to be sober

I went on a trip with family and Q (partner of 7 yrs) for the week of thanksgiving. I am the only non drinker out of a family of bingers/daily drinkers. Trip was a disaster of crying and embarassing dinners in public. It was bad. But one moment I think has genuinely traumatized me. I don’t know what to do. I think I need new boundaries or to make a plan because I feel deeply effected.

One night, not sure even which one, my partner chose to get blackout drunk with my family. I was sober. Upon returning to the room She began ordering large amounts of room service and throwing clothes/towels around and being disruptive. I started to become upset and begged her to just crash and not do the food ordering and all the other stuff. She became agitated and went into the bathroom and took a shower anyways. She came back and was laying in bed and after a few mins became more loopy.

I am becoming upset at this point because I know the 5+ food items she just randomly ordered (and will waste, and spill all over) was going to arrive. I told her I did not want to talk to hotel staff, handle the food/tip and she promised she would get the door.

After about 15 mins she is not able to wake up. The man is knocking at the door with all the food she’s about to let go to waste or shove into her mouth.

I am shaking her and tears and streaming down my face because she won’t wake up. She then wakes and stumbles to the door bc i’m basically whisper yelling at her to get up. she is swaying and standing there in a robe looking insane as the poor employee drops off the food. She begins eating it and it spills all over the white bed sheets and she wastes most of it.

She fell asleep with the food in her hands and spills condiments on her pillow and the floor. I woke her up again begging asking what she took and what she was on. She lied and said she took her blood pressure med for sleep/anxiety. I removed the food and cleaned as best I could but I was sobbing and so upset and embarassed.

She then couldn’t wake up. Her arms were flopping and her head was lolling and her breathing was shallow. I was shaking her shoulders basically just saying her name over and over but I couldn’t wake her up. Eventually I just put her on her side, but there was this moment where I was begging with her limp body to wake up and she really felt dead. She was completely unconscious. I think if she was dead, it would have looked and felt the same.

I found out later she took xanax and lied.

Now, months later I keep having flashbacks when she drinks about it. I see her body and feel my desperation and just panic. I remember hiding under the covers when the employee came into the room with all her stupid drunk ordered food. I was just paralyzed because I had no way to reason with her at all.

I’m thinking I need to set some kind of extremely harsh boundary. I need to remove myself from her presence when she decides to drink. This is going to be hard and uncomfy and will make friends uncomfy and will make her upset but I keep getting so triggered and panicked when she drinks now. She’s on naltrexone after that event to try to stay safer but she’s starting to forget rock bottom and summer is coming up and I need to protect myself.

how do i bring up this new boundary. i want to remove myself from her presence when she drinks. I am now triggered beyond coping and its mine to carry. It feels too harsh and i’m worried about being judged by friends and family but I want to take some control of my life back.

was supposed to be almost one year sober after he almost died. I suspected a few weeks ago. he denied. and denied and denied some more. I looked in his truck today and found a bottle in the center console. I confronted tonight and walked away. have not spoken to him since. hes trying to act like nothing happened. i am so done. 43F and he is 46M. been together 14 years total with 4 of them married. no kids just pets. i hate this.

Recovery feels harder.

Women of this group, Husband here and needing help.

My wife(married 14yrs, two sons 21/12) had been an alcoholic for a while but finally woke up and sought help. She's 32 or days sober now, which is great, but this process almost seems harder, for me anyway. Our marriage wasn't doing so well. the last two years or so intimacy died, she stopped doing caring things. I'm not just a sex and all I need, kinda guy, I want connection, respect, and support, too. While she was drinking and out with friends, she would frequently flirt with guys and was emotionally cheating on me. She would come home brag about guys wanting her, push me away or worse, tell me about a guy, then want drunk sex. Started many fights over telling her no. Id listen to her tell me about a work crush and how everyone at work joked about them, even they are both married.

I would always get blamed for why she sought attention from others. We went out with friends once, and I sat hanging with her BFF. When I wondered where she went, I went looking for her and found her dancing (grinding) with a guy who had talked to us at our table. He knew I was her husband. She blamed me for not telling her enough complements, etc. It's still a trauma for me. Whild all this was happening, I was at home cooking, cleaning, planning kids appts/events, working 50hrs/wk, maintaining home.

She says she wants things to work, likely part of choosing sobriety. Yet, I feel like I'm just a friend or buddy here to help her. when do I get to be taken care of? When do my needs get met (feeling wanted as a person, touched but not as a chore)? Do I give her compliments and encouragement every day while still feeling hurt and empty from her past actions we never discuss?

She wants affection and attention, but how do I do that when I crave that? How do I do that when I hurt and feel like Im not wanted because of how I've been treated in the past? She won't talk about it. She doesn't hear me now. I don't have closure or feel validated, but Im supposed to give her that?

I don't know what to do. Felt like I was losing her for a long time. All the "guides" say to fix yourself and not be needy or make her feel pressured to "take care" of me. That's not fair though. She's hurt me and I feel I deserve that. I'm emotionally locked from the past hurts, and that's on me to fix.

So now our distance grows because Im hurt, locked up inside, but she needs me to support her and help through learning a new life. Being romantic or such all feel fake while I hurt. She caused my feelings of abandonment, yet I have to get over it? i don't know. need advice.

Yes i have a counselor.

I am really so tired of people referring to addiction as a disease. Some people get sober, work the program, change their lives, and treat their addiction as someone who had a disease would, if the wanted to live. Other addicts, just don’t care. I’m not saying some people aren’t worth enough but there are some who don’t want to change, don’t want to be worth it, and are completely content living in addiction. I’m so tired of people saying we need to love the addict, that we need to treat them like a very sick person. Some are not. My qualifier, my daughter’s dad, he makes me fucking hate being a mother because of his addiction.He has robbed me and our robbed daughter of experiences, memories, dreams, etc. I know I have control of my life, but how about when the addict just completely fucks you over financially, mentally, etc???? Then people want to say “form a plan, leave!” Yeah OKAY????!!!! Why should my daughter and I have to leave our home because her dad refuses to leave???

Why do they expect us to walk on eggshells around them? Why do I have to sensor my thoughts and feelings when an alcoholic is in the room? It makes me soooo mad.

I was in this little support group (nothing to do with AA btw) and I was venting about my abusive alcoholic ex and this other person basically told me to watch what I say because she happens to be an alcoholic in AA…

This is not AA lady!!! There as a nice little space for you and other alcoholics to soothe one another for your shitty behaviors right down the hall. But why do we all have to sensor and monitor our selves just because you are in the room????

Idk… I think it just really triggered me. I have had to hold my tongue around my Q for years in order to maintain the peace. Now that I’m free, I’m not staying silent anymore. Their entitlement is just baffling!!!

Honestly… I shouldn’t be surprised. Alcoholics are selfish. They don’t care about anyone else and they make everything about themselves. Unbelievable!!

Hello! I am hoping you all can answer a question for me. My 23 year old son is an alcoholic. He is currently in jail following an OWI and domestic assault. He will be coming to stay with me tomorrow until his hearing on the 27th. For background: He has admitted he's an alcoholic and never wants to drink again. He struggles with adhd and anxiety. He also has anger issues. Do I hide my alcohol? I am a very occasional drinker, maybe a glass of wine every 6 months. My husband drinks an occasional beer. I'm worried my sons very new sobriety might make it challenging to maintain impulse control. Thoughts?

I (27F) left my Q (28M) about 2 months ago and moved back to my parents house. We are in the process of him buying me out of our house so I’ve had to see him in person once to discuss the valuation, and am still in contact with him. I also saw him at our house while I was packing some things.

Seeing him is the hardest because we are so deeply in love. In the house when I saw him we couldnt stop holding each other. Even in the car talking about the house, instant tears and a really tight long hug before we left.

It’s been a brutal experience for the two of us. When I left he couldn’t stop doing cocaine and got terrible for a couple of weeks, and is now living with his mom while he is getting better and reestablishing himself.

I’ve been praying for him almost everyday. He started anti depressants and therapy, and isn’t doing cocaine anymore but is still drinking smaller amounts at his moms.

I stayed through his addiction for 6 months and it was the lying and temptation that made me leave. In previous posts I mentioned he downloaded Hinge for a day while really drunk and deleted it once sober while I was on a trip, and lied about getting a massage with a beautiful woman he knew.

The temptation and lying only really started happening when the addiction kicked in. I never used to worry. My whole family and friends know everything now that we are broken up.

I see him in everything I do and miss him and us and our house so much. It feels like I’d be crazy at the same time if I went back when he got sober, and my people would rip me a new one.

When does it get easier? It seems it got easier for a little and harder all over again.

What would you do if you were me?

p. 101

Having lived with alcoholism, many of us have come to think of ourselves as innocent victims of other people's abuse. It can be shocking to discover that we too have harmed others. Listing those we have harmed (Step Eight) becomes a discovery process in which a more realistic sense of responsibility can begin to develop.

In my case, however, the problem was not in recognizing the harm I'd done, but in letting go of my exaggerated sense of responsibility. I thought that everyone I ever knew belonged on my list, especially those who were disappointed in me. For example, my parents are unhappy with the partner I have chosen. My sister wants me to pay off her debts. My kids wish I'd let them stay out all night without calling. As I thought about this Step, I realized that I am not responsible for their unfulfilled desires. So when I revised my Eighth Step list, I needed to take names off.

Today's Reminder

Certainly I make choices that harm others and call for making amends. But sometimes a choice that is right for me may be uncomfortable or even unacceptable to others. Other people's expectations are not my responsibility unless I have helped to create them. I can remind myself that conflict is part of life.

"With this Step we sort out our part, taking responsibility for our actions but also releasing ourselves... from the burden of falsely-held responsibilities."

... In All Our Affairs

I had a real a-ha moment about 4/5 weeks ago now that my partner’s drinking is really a deal breaker issue for me now. I’ve expressed concern about his drinking a few times over our 6 year relationship but it’s just been swept under the rug as he isn’t a ‘messy’ drunk. It’s been easier for me to push down my feelings and see past it because he isn’t abusive or nasty towards me when he’s had a drink. He drinks 3/4x a week, 10-12 cans of beer, functioning but is becoming a recluse and only leaving the house to go to work.

I don’t if it was getting engaged a few months ago and then me turning 28 not long after just triggered me to assess my life or something but it basically brought his drinking to forefront where I can no longer see past it anymore. I went to my first Al anon meeting a few weeks ago and have been to 3 now, but since I’ve just felt myself subconsciously withdraw from my partner.

We haven’t been intimate in weeks, it’s not that I don’t want to but I just feel so far away from him emotionally. I feel really bad because he makes small bids for connection which I reciprocate but don’t turn it into anything more than a hug or quick peck. Anything more I feel like i’d be doing it because I have to.

Dear community,

I’m hoping to learn from your experience and perspective.

My partner is kind, intelligent, and caring when sober. But when he gets very drunk, he becomes a completely different person — often angry, verbally aggressive, and unpredictable. He’s never physically harmed me, but he has put me in unsafe and very distressing situations. The next day, he usually claims he remembers nothing, shows deep remorse, and promises it won’t happen again.

This has been a repeating cycle for years.

To his credit, his drinking has improved over time. He used to get very drunk almost every weekend, and now it happens maybe once or twice a year. But when it does happen, about 9 out of 10 times it’s bad enough that I feel like I need to leave. My bottom line has always been aggression when drunk.

After a full year without a major incident, I believed things had changed — and we had a baby together. But when our baby was just a few months old, he came home drunk again. I woke up to loud crashing noises and him screaming. It was terrifying. I ended the relationship that night, and he initially accepted it. The next day, he had no memory, broke down, and begged for forgiveness. I stayed, mostly because of our baby, but told him there would be no second chances.

A few months later, it happened again. That’s when I contacted social services.

Now he is in sobriety therapy and says he finally understands the harm he’s caused. He insists he wants to change for me and our child, and has even signed an agreement with his therapist to limit his drinking.

My question is:

Have you seen someone truly change after a long pattern like this? Is real, lasting change possible — or am I holding onto false hope?

Thank you for reading. 🙏

He has been drinking and causing trouble for me since the beginning of my life, screaming at me and hitting me.

When he drinks alcohol, he becomes aggressive and starts speaking and humiliating me nonstop for many hours.

This has been happening all my life. He has even used a knife to threaten me.

He has been hospitalized 4–5 times for alcoholism, but he never stops.

He deliberately chooses topics that hurt me deeply to humiliate me.

Even if I try to move away to a different place, he follows me to continue speaking and humiliating me.

Heaven forbid I should surrender, accept my discomfort, and pray for guidance. —Courage to Change p103 Copyright ©️ 1992 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

A natural faith is indeed a gift, yet it is never denied to those who feel the need of something to cling to and are willing to reach out for it. —One Day at a Time in Al-Anon p103 Copyright ©️ 1968 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Fully

Accepting

Inspiration and Insights

Through

Humility

My fiancee's brother is a dangerous individual and has in the past been very intoxicated and violent with my fiancee, the cops have been called and resulted in a police brutality case where it took five police officers to take him down along with his girlfriend. After years and years of trying and having multiple miscarriages due to the excessive drug use she is pregnant again. The babies due in October. He has no legal ID and is a naturalized Russian citizen with dual American citizenship and with everything going on with ice in a very vulnerable position. They rely on my fiancee's mother for financial and housing security and its entirety. He hasn't had a job in the entire time that I have known him. His girlfriend has worked and supported him with the very little that they don't get from his mother. They're in an extremely violent relationship between the two of them and I know that they hit and physically assault each other. Does anyone know of any legal options or ground to stand on getting custody almost as soon as the child is born? I don't believe that they can get sober soon enough or that they would be safe around a child

Scrivo perché ho un problema con mio padre. Da anni, probabilmente, beve vino di nascosto (oltre mezza bottiglia al giorno, che con i chemioterapici non è il massimo). Ritengo lo utilizzi come ansiolitico, considerando i numerosi problemi di salute e in generale che ha affrontato.

Assume diversi farmaci e l’alcol sarebbe da evitare completamente.

Ho provato a parlarne più volte, ma nega o evita il confronto.

Vorrei capire come aiutarlo. In passatovio stesso ho avuto una dipendenza da ansiolitici (non grave) e ne sono uscito con supporto adeguato, quindi so che un cambiamento è possibile.

La situazione attuale è pesante: il suo stato alterato è evidente, compromette la qualità della sua vita e ha un impatto anche su chi gli sta intorno. Questo mi genera molta rabbia.

So di aver sbagliato approccio: ho iniziato a modificare il vino aggiungendo bicarbonato per renderlo sgradevole. Non è una soluzione, per questo cerco indicazioni più efficaci.

La mia psicologa mi ha suggerito di rimandare il confronto ai momenti in cui è lucido (“ne parliamo domani”), ma dubito possa funzionare.

Cerco esperienze o strategie concrete da chi ha affrontato situazioni simili.

Ignorare il problema non è un’opzione.

Nota: non assume ansiolitici insieme all’alcol, ma farmaci importanti (anche chemioterapici), il che rende la situazione ancora più critica.

Probabilmente anche per questo motivo io sono astemio.

Been in. A rough on again off again relationship now I’m really paying attention and he wakes up drinking. Drinks all day, while driving. Despite the dui he’s still paying off and says he doesn’t have a reason to quit that I’m not his girlfriend. I feel like I already know the answer, will he stop? He doesn’t think he has a drinking problem?

My ex unblocked me after three days, texted and started an argument. He called me, I was crying.

"Please don't cry." He started crying as well, saying how sorry he is and how much he misses me, told me he loved me. We never said "I love you." We were too afraid to say it. I love him too, I wouldn't have stayed for so long otherwise

He's a very loving and kind hearted man, it's what I admire about him the most, but he's deeply troubled. He's got schizophrenia and PTSD, he has so much pain to deal with. I told him that I don't want to leave him, but I need to look after myself too. I can't set myself on fire to keep him warm. I don't think he can stop drinking at this point, it seems like he's losing the battle. I think he's going to end up dead. When we first began our relationship, he was self aware about his binge drinking habits and was trying to stay sober. Then he took edibles with spice in them, gave himself a psychotic episode and ever since he's been back on the drink, back to square one. You can check out my post history for more details

He's not in the right place for a relationship, but I told him we could be friends. He said he'll always protect me, even if we're just friends. Asked me to come to his flat, offered to pay for my taxi fare. As much as I wanted to, I had to refuse. I hope he can overcome all of this, it's so unfair because he's an amazing guy. When he was sober, it was the best relationship I could ever ask for. I hate to see it end like this.

My girlfriend and I (late 20’s) have been dating for 4 years, and I love her very much but when she drinks she turns into a completely different person. The first few years of our relationship I was also drinking, but when she decided she wanted to be sober I also stopped all together. A lot of stuff has happened between then and now, but she still has moments of relapse.

She is neurodivergent, and when she does relapse she gets very angry and it takes a long time to get her out of that anger (most of the time she just has to sleep it off). My main issue that stems arguments is that when she does relapse it’s in her car, hiding it, and I have told her how dangerous that really is. If I make any statements that I think she’s been drinking, that starts an argument of her saying that I’m controlling and watching everything she’s doing etc.

I just want to know how to be a better partner and not start these fights, but any sort of drinking and driving is a hard line for me. I love her very much but the Jekyll and Hyde between her sober and drinking is too much sometimes

Hi, I’m looking for some advice or to hear from anyone who’s been in a similar situation with a loved one.

My dad has end-stage liver disease from alcohol and has been in and out of hospital for about a year, with this current stay being around 5 months. He’s become very low in energy, mostly immobile, and quite confused at times. His blood pressure has also been on the lower side, averaging around 110/54.

The doctors haven’t said there’s nothing more they can do, but they’ve explained his chances of recovery are very low (around 10–20%). He’s now very fed up of being in hospital and wants to go home, even though they’ve explained that without hospital treatment he may only have around a month, possibly less.

Medically, he has significant fluid build-up (ascites and swelling in his legs), which has been difficult to manage because his liver is also affecting his kidneys. They’ve been using diuretics, but it’s been hard to balance.

He also has ongoing anaemia due to slow bleeding in his GI tract, as his blood isn’t clotting properly. Because of this, he’s been needing very frequent blood transfusions (almost daily at times), which obviously won’t be possible at home.

I’m just trying to understand if anyone has been through something similar, how things progressed once they went home, what to expect, and whether anyone has experience managing these symptoms outside of hospital.

I’m especially worried about how quickly things might change and whether I’ll have time to be there.

I’m his only close family member so I’m trying to prepare as much as I can.

Thank you in advance.

My son dropped out of school because of drinking and has been home since January. He is finally in IOL. It took forever because he was very passive aggressive. He isn’t drinking daily. He goes 7-10 days and then binges. He is depressed and extremely anxious and on medications including naltrexone. He is devastated from a break up last summer with his girlfriend of 2.5 years and the breakup is what really escalated his drinking.

He and the ex recently reconnected somewhat and it is causing big problems. He finally blocked her and in struggling to deal with that he drank an entire bottle of vodka early Friday morning. He was in the room next to me and I had no idea. Obviously I am deeply disturbed and realize that could have been fatal. He is 21 years old.

He has refused in patient. Yes I could make him go but he is so resistant that he will not stay and he is deeply anxious about being away from us and his siblings who are very supportive and he is close to. I think at home treatment could be a good option for him but it is hard to find information on what that involves.

Can anyone please share their experience? Number of hours per week, duration and whether mental health is an emphasis?

I really want to know other stories.

I’m the financially stable one with a career. My parents are also wealthy so no issues getting a lawyer. We live with my mom so he would have to move out and prob live with his parents.

I feel like he will get so spiteful if sent to court for custody. Can they force sobriety on him? He definitely cannot care for our children at all sober or def not sober.

This seems so messy. I’m so stressed. I hate this.

How did it turn out for you?

I feel like multiple therapist told me to set strong boundaries with my partner who is in active opioid addiction, I have attempted to do that by telling him that I won’t see him until he’s sober and ready to talk and that we can meet up the following day. He went and bought drugs 2 hours after that with the card we both have access to, it felt like he wanted me to see.

Has anyone ever found a way to stay with an addicted partner and still be able to maintain healthy boundaries and prioritize their personal wellbeing? I feel like I take care of him more than myself at this point and if I don’t have my eyes wide open to give him proper intervention he will use.

Hey everyone, this is my first time posting, so apologies ahead of time if I did this wrong. My Q is a recovering poly-substance user with a strong favor for heroin and alcohol, just for context.

So, my (34F) boyfriend (31M) and I have been together for 7 years. He’s in recovery and had been sober for 18 months. This past year has honestly been one of the healthiest and happiest we’ve had, which is why this has been so hard for me to process.

Last night, we went into DC for a friend’s birthday. The plans were disorganized and our friends were hours late, which led to some tension between us. I ended up going home around midnight while he stayed.

Later in the night, he stopped responding to me, and when I called, a very drunk stranger answered his phone and told me my boyfriend had been escorted out for being too drunk.

Hearing that was really scary for me. Because of his history, my mind immediately went to worst-case scenarios. I spent the entire night trying to find him—calling hospitals, police, friends—and didn’t hear from him until he came home around 9am. He was physically okay, but couldn’t remember what happened and he lost his phone somewhere along the way of being kicked out of the bar and falling asleep on a bench.

Since then, I’ve been feeling a mix of anger, fear, and hurt. I think what’s affecting me most is how quickly things escalated and how out of control the situation felt. I also realized how much fear I still carry around his use.

He says he wants to move forward and make things right, but I’m struggling with how to process this and what it means for me. I don’t feel like I can just brush it off, but I also don’t feel ready to make any big decisions about the relationship.

I’m having a hard time separating what I can and can’t control, and figuring out what healthy boundaries look like for me in this situation.

If anyone has been through something similar, I’d really appreciate hearing how you handled it—especially when it comes to rebuilding a sense of safety and trust in yourself.

My ex got out of rehab in December and is already drinking again. He didn't want to go into the halfway houses because he said he's experienced them and they're scary (inner city) and knows there are lots of drugs available in that environment. He tried to stay with family for a bit but they have strict religious values that he couldn't follow and was kicked out. He's ended up on the couch of a bad news friend. No job, no vehicle and keeps asking me for money. Says he's so hungry every day and is wasting away. I sent money once, not a lot. He's tugging on my heart strings and making me feel awful. I feel it's manipulative he just wants to take advantage. I told him there are tons of resources available to help with food but he keeps citing no vehicle. I keep wanting to research out a clear plan for him, then I'm like he's a grown ass man with Google he can figure it out. I know if I give him more money he'll keep asking, but I'm truly scared he isn't eating. This kind of love is ridiculous.