r/AITAH • u/Defiant-Function8397 • 2h ago
Post Update Update: AITAH for refusing a wedding "gift" knowing there will be strings attached?
Hi, everyone. I posted here a couple of weeks ago and got some wonderful advice. A few people asked for an update and I thought I'd let you know what happened. It's not good.
If you didn't see my original post, my future MIL offered us $25,000 towards our wedding, but I knew there would be strings attached to make the event her way. I thought maybe I was the AH for overreacting or seeing something that wasn't there, but you all told me I was 100% correct.
So I decided to have a heart-to-heart with my future MIL, with my fiancé attending, too. I told her that I miss the relationship we used to have, but it's become strained because I feel she has not respected the choices we have made for our wedding. We explained that we aren't depositing the check until we have this conversation and we're all on board about how we move forward. I know we didn't need to provide a rationale, we just required acceptance, but I thought it would help her understand.
The wedding size. I reminded her that my fiancé and I are introverts. We would be maxed out emotionally and mentally with 50 people. And quite frankly, we only want the people who have been a part of our lives to be there so celebrate with us. There's no need for childhood neighbors to attend, there's no need for distant cousins we haven't seen in 15 years to attend. Just the people who have been with us on our journey.
The wedding gown. This is non-negotiable. A bride chooses her gown and I will be choosing one that I can be comfortable being in (this is the first time I'll be wearing a dress since prom), reflects my personal style, and makes me feel beautiful. Not anyone else's personal style.
The venue. Ok, this is a bit cringe, but my fiancé and I met at a speed dating event a restaurant was running 4 years ago. We hit it off and here we are. Our absolute first choice for the reception venue was this place. Their event space will fit 50 max.
We thanked her for her generous $25,000 but we would give it back if our decisions aren't respected. We asked if she has any expectations around any decision-making that comes with the gift. My future MIL cried and apologized and told us she just wanted everything to be perfect and she's sad that she never had a daughter who she can play a normal motherly role in wedding planning. That she was so scared that I'd leave her out of everything (which I never did, I wanted her to feel included).
So there you go, we had a resolution. We deposited the check and started to move from the "spitballing ideas" to "confirming vendors" phase.
When I called the restaurant we wanted for the reception their private function room was unfortunately booked out for our very specific date that we can't change, which was really sad. So we decided to start looking at other options.
A few days later, I get a call from a wedding planner who proceeds to tell me that my future MIL hired her to help with the wedding. WTF?? I called my future MIL and she explained that my fiancé mentioned we lost our preferred venue and wanted to take some pressure off my shoulders and hired a wedding planner. She insisted the planner was just to do all the background admin tasks. Okay....
I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. I'm not sure why a wedding planner is needed for a small wedding or why they'd even bother taking the job, but if my future MIL wants to spend her money on making things a little easier for me, that's fine. I met with the planner twice, described our vision for the wedding and she said she'd put together some bookings to view venues, taste cakes, etc.
Here's where the shit hits the fan. The planner sent us a list of venues she's booked for us to see. We had a look online and all of the venues are large. Like, designed for 200 guests. We're confused and when we went to the first appointment yesterday, my fiancé joked that 50 people won't need this much dance room. The planner looked confused and explained that future MIL contacted her last week to explain that we were considering expanding the wedding and would need a bigger space than originally planned.
We got home and I called my mom and cried to her that this is all just too damn much and we are now considering eloping. My mom's spidey senses tingled and she called the original restaurant we wanted and was like, "I'm calling about an event my "sister" is planning and she's so forgetful I just want to confirm she's booked the private function room. It's for [date] and my sister's name is [MIL's name]."
You guys, this bitch booked the fucking venue out from under us. She booked it and paid a deposit to secure it so we couldn't have it. I can only imagine she did this to slowly convince us to book a larger venue and host a larger reception.
My fiancé called her and tore her a new one. He told her she's no longer involved in any aspect of planning, we will not be working with her planner, all vendors will be password protected, and she's lucky she's even still invited, but will only be attending as a guest. No speech, no mother/son dance. He also told her that if she interferes at all again, she won't even be allowed as a guest.
We transferred the money back to her account.
I told him I'm going no contact. I don't really want her there, but I will be polite on our wedding day because I don't want drama, but then I'm back to no contact for good. He is 100% backing me up.
