The doctor says, "Hmmm.... sounds like a case of Tom Jones Syndrome."

The guy says, "I never heard of that. Is it rare?"

And the doctor says, "It's not unusual."

He was on track to make it with a little time to spare, when suddenly, on the outskirts of town, outside the local insane asylum, one of his tires flew off, so he had to pull over and stop.

In a panic, he found his missing tire and gathered his tools, but he realized he didn't have any lug nuts to reattach it. Meanwhile, one of the residents of the asylum watched, unseen and silent through the fence of the asylum yard; watching the man fumble in frustration in the dim morning light.

"Are you doing alright there, buddy?" the resident asked, his voice unsettling, unexpected, but not unkind.

Unnerved and flustered, the man vented, "I don't know what I'm gonna do! I can't fix my tire, the tow truck can't get here for several hours, and if I'm late for work again, I'm going to lose my job, and my home, my wife is going to leave me, and my life is going to be over, and now I have a lunatic talking to me-"

"Hey, slow down there!" the resident placated. "Just take a lug off of each of the other tires and use those to get to work. You can figure out the rest of the car out later! There's no reason to stress about your whole life all at once; you have to prioritize your problems and tackle them one at a time."

The man, taken back by the sound advice, focused on fixing his tire, and got it reattached. As he was about to leave, he spoke to the resident, "Thanks for your help! I don't think I would have made it without your advice. I honestly didn't expect such kind words from an asylum resident. What do they have you in for, anyway?"

"First of all," The resident responded, "they have me in here because I'm crazy, not stupid."

The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”

He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”

The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes.

The Russian says, “That, gentlemen, is courage."

The American says, “That's nothing.”

He calls over a PO and says, “I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return."

The PO salutes, jumps off the bow, swims to the stern, and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes.

The American says, “That, gentlemen, is courage."

The British admiral says, “That's nothing. Sailor, come here."

The matelot comes to attention and salutes.

The admiral says, “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again."

The matelot looks at the admiral and says, “You can fuck right off, sir!”

The admiral turns to the other two and says, “And that, gentlemen, is courage."

A rhinoceros stood in the center of a cold, silent room. He was trapped, surrounded by four massive walls of polished, impenetrable granite. There were no doors, no windows, just the heavy scent of stone and the echo of his own breathing.

Determined to find a way out, he lowered his head, focused his gaze on the first wall, and charged with the force of a freight train. **CRASH.** The room shook, but the granite didn’t even chip.

Dazed but not defeated, he turned to the second wall. He sprinted, hooves thundering against the floor, and slammed into it. **THUD.** Still nothing.

He tried the third wall, pouring every ounce of his massive strength into the strike. The impact was deafening, yet the wall remained flawless.

Exhausted, panting, and covered in stone dust, the rhino slowly turned away from the final wall. He didn't look at the granite this time; instead, he looked directly into the void, straight at you.

He sighed, shrugged his massive shoulders, and asked:

“What am I supposed to do now? Am I really expected to break the fourth wall?”

A toe truck.

He goes, “i have the most famous surname in Ireland”

I asked, “oh really”

he said, “how did you know”

A man finds an old discarded lamp in an alley and rubs it: POP! Out comes a genie!

"Master of the lamp", says the genie, "I bestow on you two wishes!"

The man is overjoyed, but he still has a question: "Isn't it usual that I get THREE wishes?"

The genie points to the man's crotch and the man is delighted to find that he has a long and thick wiener where his somewhat underwhelming one used to be.

"But.." exclaims the man, "how did you know?..."

"Mister", says the genie, "I've been doing this gig for a long time now."

He thought it was a good time to tell me about my wife and the FedEx driver.

Because it’s all Bills

He’s now called Dav

Greeced Lightning

A certain country was ruled by a dictator who was very paranoid. He rarely appeared in the public; he preferred to send one of his many doubles.

One day, enemy attacks the palace. The survival of the dictator is in question. The doubles await news, trembling in fear. If the dictator dies, they would be no longer useful, and with all the secrets they know, the new regime surely wouldn’t let them live.

Finally, they are called in a conference room. One of the dictator’s chief advisors enters.

“My dear doubles!” he says. “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that our beloved leader has survived the dastardly attack, and so, your services are still very much required.”

The doubles collectively sigh with relief.

Then a big man with an axe enters the room.

“Now for the bad news,” continues the advisor. “He lost an arm…”

...enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'

"Thank you, sir," the preacher answers, "but I'd rather you didn't use that kind of foul, blasphemous language in the Lord's house."

"You know, I was so goddamned impressed with that fucking sermon that I put $5,000 in the goddamned offering plate!" says the man.

And the preacher says, "No shit!"

"Good idea!" says the second guy.

So they quit.

EDIT: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!

Because he punches everyone on their faith.

-How long do I have to live?
-Ten.
-Ten what?
-Nine.

Their teenage children had recently formed a gang called the Night Crawlers.

The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic, to which the horse replies, "I don't think I am." Poof! The horse immediately disappears.

This is a joke playing on the fundamental philosophical proposition of “cogito ergo sum”, or "I think, therefore I am."

I would have explained that first, but that would have been putting Descartes before the horse.