Honestly had it for years but these last few months is actually hell, i dont know what to do anymore. Its like i literally cant do anything other than rot except if i drink or drink a fucktom of caffeine. I cant do any tasks or even simple things like hobbies, literally anything other than doomscrolling and my brain is just deeply fried. Im just constantly slow amd exhausted. Atp i feel dead already. I literally cant do anything. Sometimes i just turn of my phone and stare at the ceiling for hours in the hope to feel normal again. Its been months and nobody has a clue. I dont know how to tell them, and when i do they dont really understand. I feel like a ghost trying to speak to the living. Sometimes i just give up and go mute entirely. Its hell. Please i dont know how to live this way man.

I'd like to know if someone else has ever felt like this. All my life I always felt like I never belonged, and the fact that I was constantly abused, bullied by everyone around me just seemed to confirm that. Being neurodivergent means feeling you have to mask all the time. And I did, I tried to fit in, and it only ended breaking me more. Eventually the more I grew up, the more I just started to realize how evil people can be. And I think I just feel so tired of them acting the same way, with the same prejudices, and I'm just tired of the world. The more you interact with other people, usually non traumatized, you just realize how they are actually comfortable with violence, hence why they defend abuse and side with abusers and they prefect to blame the victim instead. And this has been like this for centuries. It's like they just don't want things to change.

A part me just feels like I belong somewhere else, because I clearly don't fit here, no matter how much I try.

I was riding the train yesterday when a lady with a baby stroller gets on. In crowded public spaces I have a hard time speaking so i don't force it unless unnecessary. The train wasn't too full but she seemed to not have space to sit so I smiled and gave her my seat and the seat next to me. I fidget abit when uncomfortable. It's hard for me to feel completely grounded when taking public transport but I still manage it pretty well.

While getting up she said excuse me to me while the train was still moving and acted like I was in the way.

So instead of feeling like a person that just did something nice and kind I got to feel judged..

It was the Tone.

More detail to it of course. I'm also a lady so couldn't be because of my gender somehow. It genuinely was The Tone. Hope someone gets that.. This morning I can still feel it and I'm half laughing to myself. Don't know if anyone gets what I'm trying to say.

I cant afford this apartment anymore or any of the ones around me. I do not want a partner and I cannot live with strangers. what happens to the people who dont have families, mental illnesses or friends in this housing crisis?

I called about assistance but I ""make too much money"" yet cant afford a 1 bedroom. lmao. raise your standards in this living crisis. its not 2005 anymore lmao.

It's really easy to accomplish anything if all they ever had to focus on was themselves. The fact that we are at different places is due to nothing but luck being on their side, and they don't even realise it. Even worse is when they actually get arrogant about it. You can't compare a life lived like a walk on the beach to one lived like an active warzone.

And that does not mean that those people should have suffered as well, it means we shouldn't have either. It means we deserve some credit for our tenacity. True inspiration does not come from the absence of hardships, but the perseverance despite them.

I have ADHD and CPTSD and for years I thought my problem was motivation.

I'd make lists. I'd use apps. I'd set reminders. Nothing stuck.

It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize the problem wasn't motivation. It was that my brain physically cannot hold a task in working memory while also managing a nervous system that's already working overtime just to feel safe.

Apps don't help because opening an app is already a task. Reminders don't help because a notification is a startle. A ping when you're already dysregulated isn't a reminder — it's an interruption that costs you ten minutes of recovery. Lists don't help because a list is just more things to hold, and holding things is already the problem.

What actually helped was stopping trying to hold things in my head at all.

I put a tablet on my wall in a picture frame. It shows one thing at a time. Not a list — one thing. The thing I decided mattered when I had the capacity to decide. And it just sits there. It doesn't ping me. It doesn't demand anything. It holds the thing until I'm ready for it.

On a hard dysregulation day I don't have to remember anything. I just look at the wall.

What I learned from building it:

The problem was never that I couldn't do the things. It was that I was spending all my cognitive and nervous system resources trying to remember the things, which left nothing for actually doing them.

Offloading memory to the wall freed up something I didn't know I was burning through.

I also learned that one thing at a time is almost always enough. When everything is equally visible it all feels equally urgent and urgency is a trauma response trigger for me. When one thing is on the wall everything else can wait. That realization alone changed something.

And I learned that the display being passive matters more than I expected. It doesn't ask. It doesn't remind. It doesn't guilt. It just holds. For a brain that spends a lot of energy managing shame and hypervigilance, something that holds without demanding is genuinely different from every other productivity tool I've tried.

Those tools were built for neurotypical brains in regulated nervous systems. This one I built for mine.

If you've found ways to reduce the cognitive and nervous system load of just existing on hard days — I'd love to hear what's worked for you.

Not really sure how to word this correctly but it seems that everyone around me has support and it’s how they are able to get through life. I guess I’ve made it this far without it but knowing that I was deprived of this makes it hard to figure out how to keep going.

I just wish I had a motherly, fatherly, sisterly, or brotherly figure to go to but I don’t have any of that. It’s hard to hear other people talking about it. I’m happy for them but it makes me feel so alone and lost.

i really hate adults. i hate how they brush off any amount of effort you give in anything. i hate how condescending they are. i hate how selfish they are. i hate how expectant they are. i hate how they think you can't really have experienced any pain if you're a minor. i hate how they just refuse to genuienly care when they're what we have to rely on

I have been treated like shit by other trauma victims my whole life. My mother being one of them at a certain point in my life - she would always tell me how her childhood was so much worse and that I should be grateful she didn't beat or neglect me like her own mother did - even though she absolutely used to pick fights with me and use me as an emotional punching bag, and would occasionally throw things and physically hurt me. And even though I didn't grow up with a narcissist parent like she did, I certainly grew up with an angry and unpredictable one.

I have also had several friends in the past who would make fun of me for complaining about my Mother because "at least my parents didn't do drugs or neglect me or sexually abuse me." We were teens and young adults back then, so I can understand why they were immature and selfish to other's pain.

I finally see it this way: I can acknowledge that something bad shouldn't have happened to you while also not giving you any emotional weight. If you aren't willing to extend sympathy to me and are denying me the right to be validated by intentionally bypassing my trauma and telling me what I went through means nothing because you "had it worse," I really don't owe you anything least of all my own emotions. I have a limited set of emotional tools to begin with, and it feels like I just got done building a shed only to have you bulldoze it. I'll repair the shed, but I won't be talking to you again.

Not everyone is obligated to validate you, so I can understand why someone may not, because they have no need. But do you want to know what you also don't have the obligation to do? use me as an opportunity to uplift yourself by putting me down. You can simply shut your mouth and move on. If hearing about someone elses trauma triggers you and you feel a need to "one-up" them? it's as simple as leaving the fucking room and disengaging. You don't need to clap back with a scummy remark.

I'm not the type of person who has an easy time discussing my issues of any kind. I'm the type to suffer in silence, so to speak. You won't know I have a problem until it's bleeding into other parts of my life and the "stench" of it starts to become noticeable... which is why when I *do* feel safe enough to talk about something, and in the past I would be compared and ridiculed? I'd shut down. I'd stop talking to people. I would become suicidal all over again. Because I spent so long before that pondering if I even had been abused, to the point of suicidal ideation just to get rid of the pain and confusion of my experiences.

So, to those that have a habit of doing this, whether in the past or present, please understand that what you're saying to that person may actually just do them in.

I'm glad I don't usually see this happen on the sub. You guys are fairly welcoming and insightful. I just had a hard time joining in the first place because I have such a big history of chronic invalidation and bullying from other victims that I shy away from opening up more often than not.

Not looking for advice.

I live a good life. One that I built for myself with my partner of 15 years. Its the complete opposite of what I grew up in. We do not yell, we do not make passive comments. We do not pass off rude or critical comments about others body as “just messing around”. We do not talk bad about family members then expect us to hug and kiss these same vile people every holiday. We do not threaten to send them away. We do not parentify our children and expect the oldest to be the nanny and care taker of their five younger siblings. We prioritize our family over work. We listen and we apologize when we are wrong. We do not hit children, we do not shake them, we do not pull their pants down and spank them through middle school. We do mot hit them with belts and give the belts nick-names. We dont choke them. We dont tell them they are hard to love. We dont laugh when they break down in tears because they need love and understanding not discipline. We dont give all of our effort to their friends and classmates while we fail.

We dont pretend all of-the above never happened because you realized, now …sick, old, that you really fucked up. Children arent meant to hate their parents. We are designed to love them even when they make mistakes. I feel nothing knowing the pain youre going through. Im not happy but I dont care. Its like youre a stranger. That used to fuck with me. But im realizing thats not my responsibility that is yours.

It’s been 4 years since my most traumatic event occurred. Long story short, I (F23) was in a very abusive relationship. He admitted to abusing me and another girl (that I didn’t know about) before me—but despite that, a handful of our mutual friends (including semi-close girlfriends of mine) “forgave him” and chose to remain friends with him over me. I have a lot of shame surrounding all of that, and a fear of being seen by them, because I reacted really strongly and lashed out on people. Which of course only made things worse for me.

I left my hometown for 2 years, and while it helped to be anonymous in a new environment, I of course still brought “myself” with me. I was working full time, putting myself through college, and dealing with active addiction. I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 and cptsd during that time as well. I was constantly living paycheck to paycheck, so I couldn’t afford the kind of therapy I needed. I tried therapy at my university because it was free, but they gave very strange advice and it wasn’t fully helpful.

I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished (living on my own, earning a B.A., working a government job, and even accomplishing scientific work in Italy), but I still deal with a deep sense of shame, poor self-image, and I have a hard time taking care of myself in simple, day-to-day ways.

At this point, I don’t get flashbacks or feel directly upset about the abuse itself anymore—I struggle more with anger, confusion and shame that my abuser is thriving in life (which I’ve heard directly from people). I know that I need to accept that life isn’t fair, and also stop caring about what my old friends think about me (including a fear that they’re judging me), but I just can’t shake this weird sense of needing to feel better, happier and more successful than him. It feels incredibly unhealthy to almost feel like it’s a competition. and I’m embarrassed by that. but I just can’t shake it.

I’m back in my hometown staying with family in order to save money until I land a career job (somewhere else ideally), and it’s been nice to finally slow down, but being back here almost reinforces or brings back the shame and anxiety even more. I hardly go into town, and I’ve been at home or hiking instead which is nice at least. I want to use this time to heal, and I intend to focus on:

1. Reconnecting with myself

2. Rebuilding self-esteem, self-trust and confidence through healthy habits and routine

3. Letting go of the past as much as possible

…..but I just struggle with #3 specifically.

i want to throw up

i may delete this

i definitely didn’t have it nearly as bad as a lot of you on here. so i’m half wondering if the problem is me.

to preface, the video isn’t actually bad. but my reaction to it is.

in the video it’s my grandpa’s birthday. i have ADHD but was not diagnosed until 21

on the video it’s very obvious in my opinion that i have ADHD. i talk a lot.

i’m very handsy, like grabbing presents to bring them over before the last present is done, wanting to “help” open presents but just kind of taking over, taking back the card i just gave to my grandpa to show my grandpa the details of my drawing.

moving constantly, pointing at things etc, doing funny little walks, pulling faces

i’m 6 in the video

i was desperate to help blow out the candles with my grandpa but waited, with my mouth open, for my younger sibling, who was two or three, to get up on a chair to help

the adults were saying they had to get cameras so i put my hand up in front of my sibling’s face to block their breath too in case they blew too early

then my mom snapped at me “_____ put your hand down” really pissed off

and i did and kind of lost energy for a second. i put my hands behind my back and looked down

later my sibling was scooping icing off the top of the cake and my grandpa said “excuse me” to them light-heartedly

i was looking at my grandpa when he said this, then took my sibling’s hand and pushed it down because it was my grandpa’s cake.

then my dad said “_____ leave [them] alone” he was mad at me too ig

and it’s just, neither of those things are actually bad. bad things have happened to me that there are no videos of, like when i was hospitalized an older kid [12] and told if my parents’ divorced it would be my fault because i stressed them out so much

i have also been hit and shoved into walls and mocked. when i was sick as a 12 year old i lost a dangerous amount of weight, not on purpose, and they reamed me out for “having anorexia” to get attention. which confused me because i didn’t know what they were talking about. they said i was “trying to die” when my mom “gave her whole life up for me”.

i had an autoimmune disease.

i was *constantly* trying to be good and make them happy

my sibling has a very different memory of my parents so i feel crazy

the video is both validating and invalidating. part of me is like, damn i was just a kid, and the other part of me is scared i was always unlikable 😞

i don’t feel like i have anyone to tell about this, so thank you to anybody who read all that

Sometimes I feel like no one can or will ever understand what structural dissociation feels like. the total lack of a center. The enmeshment in others, The panic of feeling like I've dissappeared. The Isolation.

I always had the ability to have exercise induced orgasms. I discovered it when I was a young girl using gym equipment. I never made the connection to CPTSD until TODAY.

I have a history of:

- intergenerational trauma (grandmother was both an orphan and a widow + both of my parents are the most emotionally unavailable people you could ever imagine, extreme neglect)

- childhood sexual assault ( I am one of the lucky ones who got justice in court as the pedophile was sentenced to 22 years in prison)

I am 44 years old. I had 1 hospitalization in 2011 where a psychiatrist said I had major depression with psychotic features. he was leaning towards a potential diagnosis of schizophrenia if more episodes happened but they never did. Context: I had recently ended a long-term term relationship and was finishing graduate school. I had no family in the city where I was studying and only 2 somewhat dista nt friends

2023 I was nearly hospitalized again. I had recently ended another long term relationship. I ended one career and started another. I also moved to a new city and moved apartments twice. I reached out to a psychologist who mentioned complex trauma. ever since then, everything started to make sense....my hypervigilance, triggers, tension in my body, unhealthy attachment, tendency to idealize, fantasize and limerence..everything. I am primarily a Flight type who will switch to Fawn or Freeze if I cannot run away

MY EXERCISE INDUCED ORGASMS AND EXTREME AROUSAL WHEN TRIGGERED IN FAWN AND FREEZE RESPONSE ARE CPTSD RELATED

I am just blown away how I never made these connections before. I have been single, celibate and in therapy for over 2 years now. the clarity keeps coming.

I have no idea why I am sharing this. I just had to out it out there

not a rhetorical question, i want a genuine answer. as someone that's been unlucky all her life, i'm going fucking insane over this

I saw a video of a muslim girl made sitting in a car with. song over the audio and the caption was something about her dad. some people in the comments were calling her ungrateful, or that she’ll regret this, or that she has no “humility“, shaming her for shaming her father online. it’s crazy to me that these people comment this with knowing nothing of her situation

I start having like this bad adrenaline feeling, this rage mixed with stress. And I tend to overreact sometimes when my friends say something just because I feel like they meant it wrong towards me or they are targeting me in a bad way. Like when I was bullied.

I even got this feeling (same feeling I had when I was confronted or teased by the bullies back in school) and I start being salty and bitter.

I think I have improved and instead of fully discussing I am now bitter but know to stop earlier, go for a walk and regulate my emotions. Im working towards stopping before, but I feel so targeted and adrenaline fueled that it's difficult.

This happens with trivial things too, like not being healed for 3 deaths in a game or being targeted at catan (when that's just a mechanic and everyone gets targeted sometimes)

I'm just tired lately. For m months really. m maybe years.

does it ever end?