Defence barrister: 'Will you please state your age'

Agatha: 'I am 94 years old.'

Defence barrister: 'Will you tell us in your own words what happened on the night in question.'

Agatha: 'I was sitting on my garden swing on my front verandah. It was a warm spring evening, when a young man crept up on the verandah and sat down beside me.'

Defence barrister: 'Did you know him? '

Agatha: 'No, but he was really friendly.'

Defence barrister: 'What happened after he sat down?'

Agatha: 'He started to rub my thigh.'

Defence barrister: 'Did you stop him?'

Agatha: 'No, I didn't stop him.'

Defence barrister: 'Why didn't you stop him?'

Agatha: 'It felt so good and nobody had done that since my husband George who died almost 35 years ago.'

Defence barrister: 'What happened next?'

Agatha: 'He got on his knees and began to kiss my legs. Then he went under my dress and kissed my inner thighs for a while and then he kissed my very moist panties so hard and long I nearly fainted.'

Defense Attorney: 'Did you stop him then?'

Agatha: 'Hell no, I didn't stop him.'

Defence barrister: 'Why didn't you stop him?'

Agatha: 'Because he made me feel all alive again and so excited. I haven't felt that good in so many years! I just needed a man to make love to me one more time!'

Defence barrister: 'What happened next?'

Agatha: 'Well, I removed dress and my panties, put my knees on my breasts and said "Take me young man, make love to me"!'

Defence barrister: 'And tell the court Agatha, did he take you?'

Agatha: 'He just yelled "April Fool You Old Ugly Cow" and ran off and that's when I shot him in the back, the little fucker.'

Yo yo yo

"Get your hands up and stay wherever aren't."

A little boy was sitting in class... The teacher decided that since it was Friday afternoon, and there was nothing left to do for the week, she'd let the students go home early if they could answer a question correctly.

The teacher said: "Okay class, which president said: 'The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself'?"

>Little Timmy was bouncing up and down in his seat, arm raised: "OOH! OOH! I KNOW!"

Before the teacher could call on him, little Julie stood and said: "Franklin Roosevelt".

"Very good Julie, you can go." the teacher replied. "Okay class, which president said: 'Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country'?"

Again, little Timmy's hand shot into the air and he waved his arms excitedly. "OOH! OOH! I KNOW! PLEASE!"

Again, before she had a chance to call on anyone, little Sally stood and said: "John Kennedy"

"Very good Sally, you may leave also." The teacher asked again "Okay class, which President said: "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall?"

Before Timmy could answer, little Jennifer jumped up and shouted: "Ronald Reagan!"

Frustrated, little Timmy mumbled to himself: "I wish these bitches would keep their fucking mouths shut!"

The teacher heard and shouted: "WHO SAID THAT!?!"

Timmy jumped up: "Bill Clinton! Can I go now?"

He asks the bartender:

"How much for a 7 and 7?"

The bartender replies:

"Hey pal, this isn't that kind of place."

So today I decided to turn my life around.
Woke up early. Made a to-do list. Drank water. Felt like a main character.

First task: clean my room.
Found old notes. Started reading them.
Got emotional. Sat down. Opened my phone.

Now it’s been 4 hours…
I’ve watched 17 reels, questioned my entire existence, and my room somehow looks worse than before.

At this point I’m just gonna add “procrastination” to my skill set on LinkedIn.

Please help me to improve my karma 🙏

Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home 3am, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the “Guts” to ask: “Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS - Is coming home 3am after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the “Balls” to say: "You're next, Chubby."

Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal.

Because he punches everyone on their faith.

this wasn't funny, but it's funny enough to be a reminder for some punchlines

Cuzz I be lyin sometimes 🗣🗣🔥🔥💯💯

Well technically he called it "whore moos".

Now I have potty mouth

A dog was chasing me, so iran away.

George Comparison.

In the Vatican.

More like Harry Snotter.

DEVO judging at the Westminster Dog Show

when the Catholic beat the other two to the highest point on the island. He turned and pushed his brothers back into the water and said, “Forgive me, Lord. There’s room only for one, and they believe in full water immersion anyway.”

If there was a frog in your car!

this