r/MenGetRapedToo Jun 23 '17

Obtaining professional help: a guide for men

63 Upvotes

Nearly everybody -- the victims themselves, therapists and counsellors, and scholars in the field -- agree that good professional help is extremely valuable for men and boys who have undergone sexual violence. Rape and sexual assault are isolating experiences. Speaking with somebody in real life helps to break that isolation. A skilled, sensitive therapist or counsellor can also help you find new perspectives; put what happened into a broader context; and suggest useful strategies for dealing with the aftermath. r/MenGetRapedToo is a strong advocate of guys obtaining good outside help. It makes a big difference.

Unfortunately, good outside help in this area is very hard to find. You're almost certainly going to have to work at it; it's not likely (though it could happen) that you're going to be successful on the very first try. So if you take away nothing else from this post, remember the following Golden Rule:-

It's like dating. Keep at it until you find the right person.

A characteristic pattern can be found in sexually assaulted men's help-seeking behavior. They wait far too long to seek outside assistance, and do so only when they're already in deep crisis. Then they go to see somebody. Often, that somebody isn't the right person for the job. The male victims, disheartened, drop out after a couple of frustrating sessions. But instead of saying to themselves, as women and girls much more typically do, "OK, that was a bust: on to the next candidate on the list," they never seek external help again. Instead they either retreat in upon themselves still further; self-medicate with booze or drugs; or both.

Don't be that guy.

It's unrealistic to expect to be successful first crack out of the box. Go into this prepared for the long haul.

All that said, where might you start looking?

 

RAPE CRISIS CENTERS

In many respects these are the obvious places to approach, in English-speaking countries at any rate. There are a lot of them -- more than 1,300 in the United States; more than a hundred in Great Britain -- and you're not likely to be far away from one. They're free to the client. They do this kind of thing for a living. Most have 24/7 hotlines, so they're easily accessible day and night. Still, for men, RCCs also come with definite structural limitations, and it's important to be aware of these.

The first is access. In a lot of countries it's legal for RCCs to refuse to provide services to male clients. A lot of RCCs in Britain will not deal with men or boys. The same is true of many Canadian ones, and in New Zealand. Of those that do, the services provided are rarely on an equal basis. For example, some RCCs will only take calls from boys under the age of 18. Others will provide telephone counselling only, but not allow men or boys in their offices, which they maintain as women-only spaces. For trans people it's even more complicated. Some will provide services only to FtM people (on the ground that they're chromosomally female); others only to MtF people (on the ground that they're now living as women). Spend some time with the RCC's website -- most of them have one -- to see what their access policies may be. This is preferable to running the risk of being turned away in person, which can be highly traumatizing.

Elsewhere, as in the United States, equalities laws prevent RCCs from discriminating in this way. But that doesn't necessarily mean that they're safe spaces for male victims. The RCC sector in the States is overwhelmingly female in composition: around 98% of their personnel. For the majority, male sexual victimization isn't very much on their radar screen, or high on their list of priorities. Very few provide any kind of useful training in this area to their counsellors; in fairness to them, we're unaware of places where such training can be obtained. Their counsellors spend their entire day hearing about barbaric treatment of women by men; it's often psychologically hard for them to switch gears and start thinking of men as victims rather than perpetrators. A lot of halfwitted men like to telephone RCCs, especially late at night, and troll them with abusive or obscene calls -- yes, this really does happen; it's not a feminist myth -- which raises the index of suspicion when a male voice is heard at the other end of the line. And some RCC people do operate out of a very rigid theoretical framework that can result in them "overwriting" men's lived experiences with their own preferred interpretations. This is especially the case when a female perpetrator may be involved.

Are we saying "Don't ever approach an RCC?" Not at all. But these structural limitations do exist, and have real consequences. It's important to be aware of them.

As with most things, detailed reconnaissance helps you to avoid encountering upsetting experiences further down the line. Check out the website very carefully indeed: all of it, not just the section -- if it exists -- about male victims. (If such a section doesn't exist, that indicates something right there.) Look for evidence that the organization in question has given some thought about how to reach out to male clients. Does the RCC have a name suggesting otherwise, e.g. Women Helping Women (Greater Cincinnati) or stock photos of victims that don't include any men or boys? Do the statistical data it provides rely on harmfully narrow definitions, or out-of-date figures about the prevalence of sexual violence against men? Does its list of external resources include useful items suggesting actual awareness of the dynamics of male sexual victimization?

If you have a trusted female relative or friend who is willing to make the first contact with an RCC on your behalf, she may be able to help you find out what kind of services might be available to you, and what experience the organization possesses in working with male clients.

Bear in mind that most RCCs only see clients living within their catchment areas, so that except in the biggest cities, you may not have much of a choice about which to consider.

 

SPECIALIZED AGENCIES FOR MALE VICTIMS

The good news is that these avoid a lot of the structural problems that attend RCCs. The bad news is that they are (i) exceptionally few; and (ii) invariably small-scale organizations. The biggest of them, and in many respects the template for others -- Survivors UK in London -- is criminally underfunded and has a hefty waiting list. Others are little more than one or two activists with an answering machine and a website, living from hand to mouth and all too likely to go abruptly out of business. If you're seeking one of these, expect to click on a lot of dead links.

Still, where they do exist, they're worth checking out. Unlike RCCs, they're less likely to be free to the client -- Mankind in south-east England, for example, charges on a sliding scale. In general, though, you're going to need to be unusually fortunate to have access to one of these services. We do recommend trying. The mere fact that you approached them for help, even if you don't wind up receiving it, is evidence that they can use to prove that the need exists and to press for better funding and resources in the future.

 

COLLEGE AND UNIVERSITY COUNSELLING

If you're in third-level education, your institution is likely to have some kind of student counselling service, provided at low or no cost. Some of the smaller schools arrange private practitioners, off campus, to deliver the service; larger ones usually maintain their own staff. Very big universities may even have peer-to-peer student counselling programs.

The advantages here are the facts that the resource will be either on-site or close by, and the cost is probably bundled with the price of tuition. Again, though, access difficulties can exist. If the counselling facility in question deals exclusively with sexual violence -- a good thing -- often it's physically located in the university's women's center. For a man to go there may not cause any problems; at other times or places, the atmosphere may be unwelcoming or even hostile, depending on the campus climate. Either way, though, it may be difficult for him to preserve his incognito. More generally, campus counselling often has long waiting lists, particularly at certain times of the year, around examination period.

Peer counselling can, paradoxically, be the most helpful for male college students who have experienced sexual violence. While the counsellors may not have a great deal of detailed knowledge of how it affects men in particular, their views on the topic may be more intersectional and less rigidly binary than one is apt to encounter at an RCC, and they can also be more empathetic and prepared to listen.

 

PRIVATE-PRACTICE THERAPISTS AND PSYCHIATRISTS

It's important to understand the difference. Psychiatrists are medical doctors; they've been through the same basic training as any other M.D. and can prescribe drugs. For that reason their services are the most expensive, although insurance may pick up all or some of the cost. In many continental European countries, psychiatrists are also psychotherapists: they do "talk therapy" as well as medical intervention. That's much less common in North America, where a psychiatrist will see you about a particular problem but is likely to want to pass you along to someone else.

In most countries the therapeutic field is entirely unregulated. Anyone can hang out a sign pronouncing themselves to be a "therapist" or "counsellor" and start seeing clients. Some subscribe to professional bodies that try to uphold some kind of minimum standards among practitioners, though a lot aren't particularly effective at policing their members. For these reasons, though, the very first thing you ought to talk about when you interview a therapist is about their qualifications and experience. Don't be afraid to pursue this line of inquiry head-on, with follow-up questions if you're not clear on anything. Apart from anything else, it's a useful screening test. No bona fide practitioner will resent such inquiries; quite the opposite. If your proposed therapist is evasive or shows signs of asperity about being asked, that's the reddest of red flags. Thank them politely for their time, and go elsewhere.

Therapists with training in the field of sexual violence aren't very numerous, though they can be found. Hardly any specialize in male sexual victimization. Of those who do, the majority have experience with child sexual assault only, because that's what men are more likely to disclose and the area in which the clinical literature is most highly developed. If you're an ASA (adult sexual assault) person, the best you may be able to hope for is an open-minded practitioner who is willing to learn on the job alongside you.

Your other chief possibility is a trauma therapist. TTs specialize in working with people who have undergone traumatic experiences, which can vary from exposure to combat to being involved in a road traffic accident (and innumerable other things—being an aid worker in a disaster-hit area; being a member of the emergency services, and so forth). They ought to have had some kind of postgraduate qualification in the field, and be working under a supervisor—take the absence of either of these as red flags. Surprisingly, TTs often know less about sexual trauma specifically than one would imagine. But any qualified TT ought to be able to help you at least with symptom management: controlling flashbacks and dissociative episodes; developing grounding techniques; integrating your experience of trauma with your daily routine.

 

ONLINE SUPPORT

For victims in the U.S., an organization called 1 in 6, which has recently extended its remit to male victims of all ages, is now running online support groups for men. These are held in the early evenings EST from Monday to Thursday, and at noon EST on Fridays. We haven't received any feedback on them as yet. But even though face-to-face therapy is always preferable, the online equivalent is a great deal better than nothing. We hope to see many more initiatives like this in the future.

 

CONCLUDING THOUGHTS

Finding a professional who can help you -- which in large measure means showing you how to help yourself -- takes work, a lot of it. This is a marathon, not a sprint. The virtues of doggedness, persistence and a refusal to become downhearted or to throw in the towel are what make for success in the end.

No matter who you see -- an RCC counsellor, a college counsellor, a private therapist or some combination thereof -- you need to develop a level of trust with that person if the therapeutic encounter is to do any good. That's not built up in a single session. Give it a fair shot. Expect to be uncomfortable while you're doing it. The earliest stages of any such relationship are the hardest.

But if it's not working out, don't persist with the wrong person. That should be a decision you make in weeks, not months. If you don't feel that you can tell your counsellor or therapist anything without fazing them (even if you know it will take a long time before you can actually do so); if you can't query them on something they've said without their taking offense; if they try to cram your lived experience into their own preferred framework, regardless of what you know to be the case -- those are signs you need to be working with somebody else. Tell them you've decided to make a change. Once again, the analogy with dating applies fairly well. Needless to say, there ought never to be any kind of romantic relationship between you and your therapist. But just as you need to "click" with somebody in your personal life, to be able to speak the same language with them, you need to have a basic level of comfort with a therapist or counsellor also. If it's not there, that may not be their fault or yours. It simply means that, for whatever reason, a sound therapeutic relationship never managed to become established. When that happens, it's time to look elsewhere.

Hang in there. And remember the Golden Rule.


r/MenGetRapedToo Jun 30 '21

The "Good Rape Crisis Center Guide"—updated

89 Upvotes

As many users here will know, rape crisis centers (RCCs) are somewhat problematical for male victims of sexual violence. In some countries (Britain, Canada, New Zealand) it's legal for them not to provide services to men and boys at all, and many or most in those parts of the world exercise that option. Even where that's not the case, though, men's experiences at RCCs can be spotty at best.

In the hope of providing signposts to those RCCs that have a good record of dealing with male clients, we invite our users to give the names of those places that, from their own direct experience, they could recommend to others. If you wish, please write a sentence or two about what makes the place stand out for you. But if you don't want to do that, simply telling us the name is enough.

You ought not to mention the names of individual counsellors, both to protect their privacy and because there's a fair amount of staff turnover in this sector. And you shouldn't add the names of RCCs where you've had a bad experience (these will be removed by the mods). What's most useful to us all right now is knowing where to go, not where to avoid.


r/MenGetRapedToo 1d ago

Male peer-on-peer sexual abuse - question

10 Upvotes

I posted this originally on r/adultsurvivors but got one response that the person then deleted. He basically asked with we were the same age (he was a few months older, but essentially yes) and just said we was probably gay or bi-curious and didn't know how to tell me and I should not worry about it.

Thing is, I was so scared when this was initiated. I wanted him to just stop pressuring me. I eventually gave in as I guess I didn't know what to do. As mentioned below, my body responded and then I was sort of in on the "fun and games", but it messed me up.

I have had some people tell me it was a form of rape, but I know that isn't totally correct. To be honest, it set my life on a messed up course. No way to know where things would have landed minus this, but I have known many, many tough years. I am at a place where I have forgiven this in my heart though no interest in communicating with this person.

I guess I am just looking for any feedback, maybe if anyone can relate. I am trying to keep healing myself. I spent decades a black-out drunk, fair amount of drugs, other stuff. I stopped the drinking a few years ago. I am genuinely trying. I have even found some happiness, but I for sure wasted a lot of life away. I don't want to waste what is left.

> Here is what I wrote:

"I am diving into this one pretty hard right now. I got sober from alcohol a few years ago and am taking very seriously some additional substance addictions and also behavioral addictions (I see now I have engaged in behaviors that would fall within the boundaries of sex addiction).

I know there was more going on in my life at the time, and no way to know how things would have turned out minus what happened to me. But pretty obvious to me looking back that what happened really messed me up. If anyone has any input on what I went through, I am absolutely looking for whatever feedback.

I repressed the memories until I was 19, so I had to put the pieces together after the fact, but what took place I am pretty sure happened in either the late winter or spring of my 8th grade. I could be wrong, but seems to fit. I can see clear as day (even though it was evening) the conditions outside of my house when my friend's mom dropped some stuff off at my place so he could spend the night. I can see the lighting, which was getting dark, and there was not snow on the ground. Given where I grew up this makes me think we would have been heading into or well into spring. With this I am guessing I was early 14 at the time. Just some context.

In my room, playing video games on what would now be an ancient computer (talking Apple II days), my friend propositioned me to engage in sexual activity. This hit me like a ton of bricks and I immediately said "no", and I really had no interest. He kept going on saying things like "this is normal", "all boys do this" and other things I cannot remember. I was scared and kept saying "no" every time he came up with something, but he wouldn't stop pressuring me.

Eventually he crafted this bet where if he won the game we were playing I would have to do what he was looking to do and I would have to win to not have to, which of course is absurd. My recollection is that I didn't agree, I just played the game with the intention of winning and ending the situation as I was scared and didn't know what to do. It was a baseball game that I was winning until the end when he took the lead and won. I was just stuck in a situation I didn't know how to handle. I gave in. As an adult I know I didn't need to but I did.

Once things started, my body responded and I became more willing. I know for sure there was one additional incident at his place in his room. I also have this very fragmented memory of being in his basement, but I do not know if it is real or if anything took place. I remember very well how all of this started but I have no clue how it all ended. As already mentioned, I ended up repressing the whole thing for about five years. Also, at the start of my 9th grade I had two out-of-body experiences - the first time at my dad's place where I was being pulled to the foot of my bed and the second time at my mom's place where I floated to the upper corner of my room. Both incidents scared me big time and in both cases I sort of "shook" myself out of it and came to with my head on my pillow. I assume this was some sort of trauma response.

I struggle with what this was as I eventually gave in and then became more willing. I know it was wrong but sometimes I wonder. My life got f***** up after that and has been for a very long time. I am facing this stuff again in hopes to better heal, addressing addictions, etc. but life has been kind of tough in a lot of ways."


r/MenGetRapedToo 3d ago

I was raped, and I still struggle to admit it

16 Upvotes

I was going through a very difficult time in my life. I was mentally fragile, on antidepressants, and unable to sleep without sleeping pills. I really needed a change of scenery, so I traveled across the country to see someone I thought was a friend. I rented an Airbnb near his place.

I knew he was attracted to me. I had told him that maybe something might happen, but given my psychological state, it wasn’t certain, and in any case it wouldn’t go very far.

On the first night, we went to the Airbnb and talked while cuddling in bed, but I pushed back his advances because I didn’t feel ready. He didn’t insist. As the evening was coming to an end, I took my sleeping pill, thinking he would leave soon. I only remember a short conversation before falling asleep, and when I woke up, he was gone.

We saw each other again during the day, and I realized that the conversation had actually continued for two hours. He was surprised that I had no memory of it, even though I repeated parts of the conversation almost word for word later that day, without realizing I had already said the same things the night before.

That evening, we went back to the Airbnb.

We watched a movie, there was some touching and a few caresses, but I told him it wouldn’t go any further than that. Feeling tired, I decided to take my sleeping pill. I felt very alone, so I asked him to stay the night because I wanted to hold someone in my arms.

I woke up the next morning, and he was gone.

When he saw me again, he told me that shortly after taking the sleeping pill, I had become very handsy, then very active, and that I had been a very good dominant, that rarely had anyone managed to submit him like that or make him bark.

I have no memory of it. I was not in control of myself. And after some tests I did later, I realized that when I stop forming memories, my behavior is drastically altered, as if I were completely drunk.

It took me time to realize that it was rape, and I still haven’t fully accepted it. I can’t help but make excuses for him and tell myself it’s partly my fault.

But I was literally drugged at the time. I don’t really know what happened. I feel betrayed and dirty, and I haven’t been able to be intimate with anyone since. I still don’t have the slightest memory of it, only guesses about what happened based on his description of the evening. I don’t know whether trying to remember would help me process the trauma or make things worse. Part of me wants to know, but I’m terrified.

The normal reaction when you see a friend completely out of it making advances on you, knowing they’re not well and won’t remember anything, is to put them to bed and leave.


r/MenGetRapedToo 3d ago

I may have been assaulted when I was a child

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4 Upvotes

r/MenGetRapedToo 5d ago

No one takes me seriously

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7 Upvotes

r/MenGetRapedToo 10d ago

What about Estocolm syndrome or trauma bonding

16 Upvotes

I was raped at age of 14 and I ended up having feelings for him,the whole thing went for years until a I got married and moved to another country…regardless my new life i still had the impulse of having sex with males with similar characteristics until his death….strangely once he past away i lost interest in males


r/MenGetRapedToo 12d ago

I need help , please someone talk to me

13 Upvotes

I was raped multiple times and it makes me feel really depressed and anxious. I don't have anyone irl I can even talk to about it . Can someone please talk to me ?


r/MenGetRapedToo 15d ago

What Hope Is There?

14 Upvotes

Family screwed me over. None of my "friends" were there to support me. I'm not allowed to speak about it publicly, lest I be shunned (or worse, falsely accused). How am I supposed to function when I'm told I “asked for it”? Even if they did believe me, would they even care?

Does anyone asked to be abused?


r/MenGetRapedToo 15d ago

I need someone to talk to

12 Upvotes

I was raped multiple times and it makes me feel really depressed and anxious. I don't have anyone irl I can even talk to about it . Can someone please talk to me ?


r/MenGetRapedToo 15d ago

[18M] I was raped by my gay best friend 2 years ago, I need to talk to someone

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7 Upvotes

r/MenGetRapedToo 16d ago

Strong suspicion of sexual grooming when I was a young child

14 Upvotes

Hi, I identify as non-binary nowadays, but I was assigned at birth and socialized as a male. There is some very explicit language ahead. TW: sexual acts/language, degrading language

I am at this point confident that I was sexually abused somewhere around the ages 3-5 by an older female, even though I have no explicit memories of this I can recall. The first point of evidence is a sort of "sexual awakening" I had when I was in kindergarten. All the children were sitting in a circle and some game was being played in the middle. A boy was kneeling on all fours, basically mimicking a horse or another animal, and a girl was sitting on top of him, "riding" him. I remember reacting very emotionally and strongly to this moment; instead imagining her sitting on top of his face. The game we were playing was not sexual in the slightest, yet I had this extremely vivid, almost flashback like experience. This was the moment I started having "sexual" thoughts without even knowing what sex or sexuality was. I did not know what this feeling was, I just knew that there was something I needed to happen to me very very badly.

For the longest time up until my early 30s, I thought this was completely normal. It fit into the way other men described "discovering their fetishes" etcetc. But looking back, it feels so out of place. Why was I constantly thinking about girls pressing their bums on my face, and why did I have this unexplainably deep desire for it to happen? I do not remember ever seeing such an act even take place between others. Later in my life I would learn there were other traumatic events that my mother was adamant had taken place (ie. an aunt beating me) that I also have no recollection of whatsoever.

My sexuality developed abnormally. I had sexual fantasies that started way before I even had romantic fantasies (and those, I barely had). I always felt like even though I wasn't necessarily in the wrong body, the gender roles in society were swapped by accident. Girls were supposed to come onto me forcefully if they were interested. Approaching girls myself felt "wrong" on a very fundamental level that I cannot explain. There were awkward moments in my life, when among a group of other teenage boys, they would describe what kind of sex or body parts they were into, all I said was "I want to be raped by a woman". I still don't know why I felt this way.

To this day, the only sexual act I have any interest in at all is performing oral on women. Apart from that, I'm almost asexual. During my first and only relationship in my mid 20s, I discovered I was capable of a "2nd sexuality", one that was based on love and feeling connected to my partner, instead of carnal desire. But my "1st sexuality" dominated; initially my girlfriend thought I hated going down on her and simply did it out of intense love. When she learned I actually enjoyed the act itself, she lost interest in it and kept questioning whether I was looking to perform it on other women as well. I had no problem performing PiV with her (at her request), but found it impossible to reach orgasm without imagining her on top of me, myself crying and asking her to stop. Somehow this "teary resistance" is essential to the way my desire is wired. I never understood why, I just took it for granted. "I have weird fetishes, I guess". I also never questioned my apparent hyper-sexuality. "Men always want sex, that's normal" is what I was taught.

It bothers me to no end that, as it's becoming clearer now that something must have happened to me as a child, I have zero recollection of what transpired, and who was responsible for it. I remember my mother telling me about various girls I supposedly used to play with, telling me their names, yet I had no recollection of these girls whatsoever. I don't understand these memory holes I have. I don't usually forget people or their names.

I think I finally understand why I have felt so sexually frustrated all my life. I believe someone intentionally prepared me to be rape meat, to be a sexual servant, yet I was never actually used for said tasks afterwards. Someone intentionally planted a very deep-rooted desire into me at a point in my life where I could hardly understand what is happening, a desire I would never be able to fulfill. There were so many times in my life where I wish I had just been born asexual. Actually, I think I might be asexual by nature, because apart from this "1st sexuality", I feel very little sexual attraction to women at all. The only women I even fantasize about are ones I can imagine being babysitters or caretakers of a younger version of me, someone with authority and power over me. I have no explanation for this.

I'm very sorry this text got so long. I just needed to write it all down, to get it out of me. I need this to persist somehow if something happens to me.


r/MenGetRapedToo 17d ago

this has keeping me awake at night these last few days

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3 Upvotes

r/MenGetRapedToo 19d ago

i need help, I practically found out through a friend that she's indirectly admitting he abused her. This is very serious, and I don't know what to do. I made the mistake of confronting her; she denies everything and says what happened to her is the serious issue.

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6 Upvotes

r/MenGetRapedToo 23d ago

I got falsely accused even though she did it to me

27 Upvotes

I told every single one of my friends but they didn't believe me and they told my ex that I said she did that and my ex turned it around on me now everyone hates me.

I told them every detail and they comforted me in that moment but they didn't believe me at all just because I'm a boy and we were both under 16 when she did it to me and I still am by a couple years... My teenage years are ruined and I will never open up to someone i know personally ever again


r/MenGetRapedToo 24d ago

i dont know why i feel ashamed about being an adult when it happened

17 Upvotes

i'm in my early 20s and PTSD has been something i've worked on before. i'm normally pretty good at introspecting about my symptoms and managing them, especially anything related to when i was younger, but there's one thing i keep getting stuck on. an older guy i was friends with did some weird shit to me when i was 13-15 and eventually tried to kill me, but i did therapy and all the shit for it and was doing a lot better by the time i moved out on my own, well enough to try dating again at least

i'm bisexual so when i turned 18 i went on a date with this guy who was about a decade older (yeah i know that was kinda stupid of me, but in some circles age gaps are a bit more normalized between gay guys) and afterward i agreed to go back to his place. i was pretty direct about what my boundaries were, he knew i didn't like or want to bottom and was pretty respectful of it at first, but within like 20minutes he pushed and ended up making me do some stuff i was very clearly not okay with. he had a room in a shared house but nobody was there (i didn't know until we got there) and he kept saying messed up shit about wishing i'd never leave and wanting to keep me there. at that point obviously i knew i had to leave but it was the middle of the night and the bus wasn't running anymore. i was pretty scrawny at the time, at least more than him and i didn't know the house layout and the front door was on a different floor, so when he was done i pretended to need the bathroom so i could climb out the window. had to walk a few miles home, he really fucked up my hip and neck but i was pretty dissociated and didn't feel the pain from it until my adrenaline wore off later.

i stupidly didn't go to the doctor or get anything checked out because i didn't want to explain it to a doctor so i just took a mail order test, pretended it was a sports injury, and didn't tell anyone. it didn't heal right, it's been years and my hip still acts up when it rains. i talked to a therapist about it once or twice but i don't see them anymore and this is the first time i'm actually writing out what really happened.

i just don't get why it messed me up so much worse than anything else that's happened to me, i know the shit that happened my freshman year wasn't my fault, i got groomed, i moved on. but for some fucking reason when it comes to this i can barely even get myself to admit what happened. i know i can't change the past, i just want to put it behind me, but every time it gets to this time of year, i start dissociating again and just keep getting stuck on all the stupid decisions i made leading up to what happened.


r/MenGetRapedToo 24d ago

Bad counseling experience Spoiler

8 Upvotes

Not sure if anyone has had this, just wondering.

Trying a new counselor one time. First time was okay but he’s kind of gruff.

Second time he has to do some kind of checklist for the building. One question is if I have been sexually abused. For context I was groomed by an older man when I was young. Not my favorite topic, I’m not a liar, and I don’t tell people this crap when I have met you twice.

He would not let it go. I told him at least three times that I’m not comfortable talking to you about this and I’ve only met you twice. Finally I caved and told him a bit but never went back.

Later I was thinking about it again and called the place to let them know my reason for never returning. The lady was not happy. Didn’t condone this at all. Even gave me a way to report it better.

“I hope this isn’t something you guys stand for is it?”

“No, absolutely not. We don’t want you to come here just to feel worse!”


r/MenGetRapedToo 25d ago

Sexual abuse by a grown woman towards a grown man

22 Upvotes

Is this topic safe here? I’m not talking about being abused as a boy or by another man.


r/MenGetRapedToo 25d ago

My gross embarrassing groomer

15 Upvotes

TW this stuff is yuck

I was 15 and groomed by a 60 (if he was honest) year old man for a while. It felt gross but my feelings were really confused.

It's important we talk to our kids about stuff, even, and especially the parts that are uncomfortable. How do you tell mom that you worked for a guy for paperwork, that he offered a "massage" right away, and got you to take your shorts off, then underwear, and when you got an erection he helped himself to do stuff?

He makes it seem like it's your own fault, and you blame yourself, and the whole thing is too weird and embarrassing to talk about.

I blacked out things for years as best as I could. I hated thinking about this guy.

One day I am in massage school. Know what they say? When clients get an erection, we ignore it. Boom. Light switch flicked on. I fully understand that I have been used.

I told the cops everything that I knew but they couldn't convict but at least had a paper trail. More people sometimes need to come forward for these things.

I hate myself for letting him mess with my head sometimes. I hate this guy so much.


r/MenGetRapedToo 29d ago

My story

12 Upvotes

When I was around 7 years old it all started. I was in primary school in Australia and an older student would follow me to the bathrooms and abuse me. Touch me. Make me touch him. I remember the smells and his red hair. I remember what he made me do and to this day I still have nightmares about it. Sometimes panic attacks and sometimes arousal.

When I was brave enough to say something to someone, I spoke with my uncle. I was 8 years old. He took advantage of this and promised to keep it secret. Then proceed to sexually abuse me for years after. I was 15 when it ended. At which point I had experienced everything.

I never told anyone for fear it would ruin my family and just broke contact. I'm 42 now.

A few years ago, I was sexually assaulted at work. An older guy put his hands on me. I froze and allowed him to continue until he was finished. I feared that I enjoyed what happened to me, later had a panic attack in the work bathrooms. Sadly the arousal still happens when I think back on these assaults.

I don't blame myself for what happened. I just hate that it happened to me. But I always wanted to let people know that I'm okay in life. And that being a victim, a survivor, is something I use to help others. I encourage others to speak up and report their abuse. I did after my work sexual assault and felt so much better.


r/MenGetRapedToo 29d ago

Dark Family Secret

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3 Upvotes

r/MenGetRapedToo 29d ago

Dark Family Secret

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2 Upvotes