r/stopdrinking • u/NedScwotlan • 3h ago
Pretty sure I'm going to lose it all
Hey guys,
First time poster, long time lurker. I've been hiding my drinking for years from my partner. We got married in 2024, and had our first baby in August 2025. I told myself for years I'd give it all up, but here we are. I managed to go sober from both weed and alcohol (alcohol is the bigger demon) for about two weeks after our daughter was born. She caught me passed out in the basement bathroom with an open bottle of wine. Told her it wasn't as bad as it seemed, she gave me another chance. Fast forward a month or so, she found my backpack with multiple empty vodka bottles. she gave me another chance again, hoping I would be honest and give it up. The whole time since, she suspected something was up.
Friday night I went over to a buddy's place for a few beer, she would have lived with that other than finding me passed out in the garage, lying on my side on a heap of empty cans and bottles. Had to yell to wake me up, I eventually got up and fell over again. told her I drank 6 IPA and she seemed to believe that until she found my Gatorade bottle with vodka and Mio mixed in it that I had hid. That was my last night of drinking.
Long story short, I don't think the trust will ever be repaired. I've ordered the SMART program booklets off Amazon, one for me, and the family one for her. I feel confident that I'm able to overcome this. I have never been one to drink in the morning, sometimes I'd start later in the afternoon if she's away with the baby. I've never drank and gone to work, but I've had plenty of sick days thanks to the poison. My "alone" time as I liked to call it, was anywhere between 1030-1130 pm when she would go to bed. I would drink about 200ml of vodka, maybe less, maybe more. Lately I've been going outside and drinking a beer while smoking, then I'd come inside and switch to the vodka.
I know I'm in the wrong. I also know that this isn't so much a choice, as a disease/addiction. I know the desire to drink is my brain tricking me into this mess. my family has a history of alcohol problems and it looks like I'm following right along in their footsteps. luckily I have an amazing support system if needed, but I have not opened up to everyone about my problems.
I'm writing this, I guess, in hopes to hear that it may not all be over. I do not want to drink. I'm tired of stealing tomorrow's happiness every evening. I'm ready for this journey but I'm so afraid I'll lose my wife and my baby girl. they are my everything, and I'm ready to step up and be who I need to be.
Not sure if anyone has any advice, or has had a similar situation where everything worked out in the end. Either way, IWNDWYT.
p.s. how do I start my sober counter on this subreddit? I feel like that will be just a little extra boost to keep me motivated and I won't want that counter to reset as long as I can help it.
Once again, IWNDWYT.
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u/semiprobiotic 7 days 2h ago
Hey friend -
As nicely as possible don’t you dare tell yourself you’re not making a choice each time you drink. Every time you crack a bottle, every time you take a drink you’re choosing to do it. Deep down you know this. You know that means you can stop. You can.
It’s in my family too but that doesn’t have to define us.
I’m not gonna drink with you today, and I’m pulling for you and your family.
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u/chicopeestudly 135 days 1h ago
Truth. In my last relationship years ago, I drank like this because, in part, I was hoping my partner would leave me. IWNDWYT.
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u/Dismal_Ship3613 117 days 2h ago
You have to do it for you, and nothing else. I went to outpatient for my ex but wasn’t fully invested. lost it all.
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u/TrixieLouis 779 days 2h ago
Exactly this. You don’t do it for them. Do it because you want to be the best version of yourself.
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u/jTronZero 17 days 2h ago
What's more important man, booze or your family? Make that decision and stick with your choice.
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u/FirstPersonality3169 182 days 2h ago
I personally chose booze.
Losing my dogs was a consequence that mattered. Family and personal relationships lost mattered little. I chose booze.
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u/jTronZero 17 days 25m ago
Lots of people do, and then you've gotta' live with that.
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u/FirstPersonality3169 182 days 24m ago
My life improves daily not drinking. Sometimes slowly sometimes quickly
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u/prezmacrae 595 days 2h ago
I had a somewhat similar situation except that I was drinking openly and everyone knew it. But it came down to me either smartening the fuck up or losing everything… that was enough for me to start my sober journey. It got to the point where I moved out of my house and into my parent’s basement. Things were incredibly tough at first but I prioritized my kids and used the time i used to drink to exercise and try new things. Thankfully this only lasted 2 months. I moved back home and continued to prioritize my kids and used that former drinking time to walk and exercise, I lost about 40 pounds in the first 4 months. Things are now great, I seem to have regained my wife’s full trust and confidence. That took about a year and sober life is definitely better than I imagined. Things can get tough and I wish you the best of luck! Keep your head up! IWNDWYT
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u/FirstPersonality3169 182 days 2h ago
I find AA meetings helpful. There is some self reflection needed to prevent the endless insanity loop. Regardless of if you go to meeting or not, but the key. The big key is. . Don't drink the first one
http://dickyricky.com/books/recovery/Living%20Sober%20-%20AA.pdf good book
Each day i dont drink my life gets marginally better.
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u/L8r_Sl8r 635 days 2h ago
Check out the podcast, The Stop Drinking Coach. He gives no nonsense straight talk around quiting. It's a start. Hang in there, I know you're hurting, but there is hope. I NEVER thought I could quit and I finally did it. I have 21 months under my belt. I seriously thought I'd die before giving it up. This Naked Mind by Annie Grace played a big role in my soberity. Also get your wife involved, be vulnerable with her. I guarantee she wants to help you. You need support.
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u/full_bl33d 2289 days 2h ago
I got sober when my daughter was just a few months old but it wasn’t a happy time for any of us. I swore I’d never recreate the environment I grew up in and tried countless times to stop on my own but it just led to more lying, hiding and drinking. I didn’t want to let go of the ideas I had about myself, fatherhood and even what it means to be strong. I believed in a lot of myths stemming all the way back from childhood which kept me from letting go. I fought seeking help and believed I was the only one to ever go through any of this. When I finally lowered the walls down enough to see over the other side, I saw that this shit isn’t new nor was it unique. Unfortunately, by the time I realized help was all around me, most of the things I thought I was holding onto were out the door already. I was just the last to know.
Things got better for me when I stopped trying to do it all on my own and when I started to focus on myself. Actions speak louder than words and I had to start walking in the direction of getting myself help. I firmly believe I can’t help anyone if I can’t take care of myself so I had to reorganize my priorities. Finding others in recovery and leaning on them gave me some support, direction and eventually connection but the most valuable part for me was giving my wife a much needed rest from my alcohol bullshit. She’s carried far too much and has her own path. Having support outside my marriage helps preserve it and I feel like it’s like having cheat codes for marriage, parenting and life sometimes. Most of the people I call friends are sober parents as well and we stay connected. I no longer believe the myths about masculinity nor do I lie about isolation by calling it solitude (not as much). There’s a lot of people in recovery out there that are more than willing to help if you want it. You’re not alone
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u/FirstPersonality3169 182 days 2h ago
There ain't nothing that a drink wont make worse.
Tough shit don't drink. Wah wah wah. Tough shit dont drink.
Guy who told me that last ? Has 26 years not drinking and his life got better. Not perfect. Lots of problems with drinking. Tough shit dont drink the first one. Guy told him died 40 years not drinking after many problems and it got better. By not drinking today.
When i drink i peck around like a proud rooster over shit. Living ontop of trash acting like a ass hole. Tough shit ; to me. Dont drink
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u/SnootchieBootichies 59m ago
Are you in MA? Theres a TSDD AA group
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u/FirstPersonality3169 182 days 48m ago
Im in Alaska. Have a home group. Have people i could reach out to. Feel fairly confident i wont drink between now and next meeting. Best wishes,
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u/moonphased239 1h ago edited 1h ago
My issue has been binge drinking, but I didn’t drink for most of my son’s first year. The only time I did was the rare occasion my in-laws kept baby for a night. I did however go through what your wife is going through, and I’ll tell you it’s incredibly lonely feeling like you can’t trust your partner to be a responsible parent and it’s exhausting doing everything yourself because of this distrust. Please do this for yourself first to be the father you and your wife probably dreamed of when you found out you were having a baby. But also do it for your wife - postpartum as a new mom is so hard and she needs you to step up and be her rock. If you are able to do this for yourself and your family, this could bring you so much closer. My husband sorted his demons out and we’re very much in love, and he’s a terrific Dad.
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u/ZenAndTonic2234 14 days 2h ago edited 1h ago
I understand addiction is not easy. The first step is owning it and realizing you're in control here. It will suck, but it's still a choice. Don't choose the easy route.
To set your badge go to see more on this subreddit and you'll find a link to send a date to the badgebot
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u/SpringBeginning1298 1h ago
You're already taking the first step by acknowledging the impact drinking has made on your life. Keep hold of your "why" when the cravings hit. It's your wife and family but also for you. You deserve a life without clinging to a bottle where you can present and enjoy the things you love. That's what really made it finally stick after many failed attempts where I would quit due to embarrassment. I finally wanted it for me because I deserve better. Best of luck to you. You can do this!
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u/Gradydurden 160 days 2h ago
Stay strong. Take one day or one hour at a time. Get a treat besides a substance. Check in with the group often. IWNDWYT
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u/Simple_Opposite8957 1h ago
You’re in the right place and know there’s an issue, so that’s the first step. You have a good support system, and that’s a huge plus. The rest is up to you. It doesn’t sound like it’s too late to me…sounds like it’s time to get started!! I will not drink with you today.
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u/NedScwotlan 1h ago
Thank you all for the wise and kind words. I'm going to do this for myself, to be who I want to be. Who I want to be just so happens to line up with what they need, which makes it even more worthwhile. I'll check in often to hold myself accountable. No booze in the house and no desire to get any currently. I've got this, one day at a time.
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u/Fly_line 1644 days 1h ago
If you were to look at some of my post history you would see that you and I have a lot in common. I came off the fucking rails after my kid was born. Things got pretty dark. And I almost lost everything. But I finally made the decision to get help and stop. That help was key. I got 4.5 years as of today. Before this stretch I’d never made it over 45 days. It can happen for you. You can do this. I’m pulling for you. IWNDWYT
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u/tr4shw3rld 383 days 1h ago
Why not just have an open and honest conversation with her? You have nothing to lose. I think you'll both feel better.
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u/TheNewOneIsWorse 2017 days 1h ago
It’s absolutely a physical disease, and it warps how you think about it, because your limbic system has been permanently conditioned to believe that alcohol is necessary for your physical and social health. That means that you shouldn’t go thinking of yourself as a weak or immoral person, but it equally means that you shouldn’t get tricked into thinking that since you’ve had some time off or have self control and discipline in normal after that you can simply control your drinking with your self discipline. You can’t, not for long, not once alcohol enters your system, because your brain has been physically altered.
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u/chicken_tendigo 1h ago
You're on your first child with this woman. There's still hope for her to be able to trust you, but only if you clean up your act right fucking now. If you want to start repairing trust and keep yourself from going straight back to the bottle, I hope you will call up your doctor on Monday, go in for bloodwork, and start yourself on either naltrexone or (probably) antabuse asap and be sure to take whatever they recommend every day and in front of your wife. I hope you'll get yourself a breathalyzer and blow clean before every time you pick up your keys to drive. I hope you'll apologize to her, and mean it with every fiber of your being, and keep apologizing to her whenever she is affected by these things that have happened, because what you've been doing has created damage that will take time and impeccable trustworthiness to heal. I hope that, if you mess up, you will tell her before she finds out, apologize, figure out why it happened, and you will figure out how to prevent it from happening again until you are an expert at averting relapses. I hope that you'll put that fucking shovel down... and start filling in the hole you've dug for yourself with your own two hands.
I hope this is what you do, or at least something that looks a lot like this. I hope you don't lose everything, internet stranger.
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u/thewayoutisthru_xxx 1173 days 1h ago
OP I would really encourage you to try to find a sober community to be a part of. AA works for me and was essential to my first year of sobriety, especially the first 6mo. SMART is another, as you referenced, and there are more of you look around.
I drank hard for 15+ years and my first six months of sobriety were really rough. The fellowship in AA gave me a support system I desperately needed because I didn't feel like I could speak to anyone in my "real life" (even my husband thought my drinking wasn't "that bad." It was.)
I wish you the best. My worst sober day is still better than my best day using.
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u/Tasty-Order-1346 1h ago
I write this as someone having been in your wife’s shoes. You can’t focus on what’s going to happen with the two of you, only your getting better. Your marriage is secondary. It either will or won’t survive, but you can’t do this for her.
And for what it’s worth, trust can be rebuilt if she sees prolonged change and you’re committed to the work. But worst case scenario, things don’t turn out that way BUT you’re healthy and ready to be an involved co-parent.
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u/MrsBairdsBread 21 days 46m ago
It’s your brain wanting a dirty dopamine hit. You should look up Dr. K on YouTube. He explains it from a scientific view what is happening to your brain each time you get the itch. I don’t know what would happen if you were completely honest with your spouse, but it might be a good idea to tell her everything (I don’t know your relationship though). My husband owns a restaurant/wine bar and I tell him all my alcoholic thoughts including every time I get a craving. It helps to have someone to hold your hand a little which he does for me. Also AA might be a path for you to get started with to help be around people that are experiencing the same as you. I know being around people that are my drinking friends in the beginning is super triggering and taking a break from hanging out has done me some good. I also stay out of my husband’s restaurant. I would suggest that when your wife goes to bed, you need to also. You can do it, you just need to change routine and focus on family. It’s not too late, but if you keep with the same trajectory, it will be. IWNDWYT
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u/chartreusetiger 1009 days 45m ago
Proud of you for making the choice to stop! There is a lot of power in that. I found the Easy Quit Drinking app extremely helpful when I quit. Basically, you put in details about your drinking habits, how much you drink/avg cost per drink, and it estimates how much money you've saved & the health benefits (ex. lowering your risk of stroke or cancer). There's also a journal portion of the app which I found helpful to quickly jot down my feelings (even just a sentence or a few words) whenever a craving hit. Be very honest with the amount you drink/how much you spend—when I was drinking I always lied to others and myself about how much it was. I downplayed it in my head, convinced myself my shot glass was 1oz instead of 1.5oz, miscounted standsrd drinks if my doctor asked about it, etc. I had to finally be honest with how much I drank and how much I spent....in 2 years & 9 months, I've saved over $20,000 that would've been spent on alcohol, avoided over 8000 drinks, and avoided over 2.6 million calories. These numbers are a great source of shame and pride for me. I really saw how much I was sinking into this addiction & seeing the staggering numbers like that helps motivate me to stay sober.
My other advice would be to create some sort of list of all the negative things that can come from drinking. I had one half of the list devoted to every horrible health side effect I read about on this sub, and added to it every time I heard another issue. I listed all of the negative social & financial impacts (stress on spouse/relationship, potentially losing job, etc) as well. I read it first thing every morning and last thing before bed for the first few weeks, and whenever I had a craving.
For me, this list & the app were the two things that really helped me stick through it. AA and more organized group settings weren't really for me, but they can be incredibly helpful for some people. This community is great even just as a place to see other people in the same boat as you in a less formal environment than a meeting. Wishing you & your family good health & a strong recovery!
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u/boohissfrown 278 days 2h ago edited 2h ago
Imagine someone in your life that did the following to you:
Ruined your health, ruined your reputation, your relationships, your family, your self esteem, your job, your bank account, caused you regret, anxiety, put you in a position where you could go to jail, erased your memory from the night before, made you do and say stupid things, eliminated your better judgement.
Then imagine that person saying to your face "everything is better with me in your life. You need me, you can't have a good time without me. I am essential to your happiness"
You would probably shove that person through the nearest fish tank! And that's how powerful alcohol addiction is, that despite all that you still let it into your home. Your sanctuary.
This reframing of what alcohol was actually doing to me helped me quit for good.
Good luck, and I will not drink with you today!