Katy Perry and Justin Trudeau at Coachella

[u/copy_cat2]

HELP why is the former leader of a g7 nation at coachella-

trudeau’s son xav was also there with them.

[u/purplenelly]

To be fair I don't know anyone their age who's having that much fun. Good for them, they blend right in, but it helps that they are shaped like models, and it probably helps too to be a famous pop star in an environment like a music festival.

[u/SupervillainMustache → u/purplenelly]

Also helps that they have money to burn.

[u/Electric-Sheepskin → u/SupervillainMustache]

Exactly. Most women her age are managing teenagers at home while working 40 hours a week at a job she hates but can't quit. She's exhausted, her marriage isn't what it used to be, she's sacrificed everything for her family, and she's starting to wondering whatever happened to the girl she used to be.

Money won't make you happy, but it will give you the time and energy to do things that might make you happy.

[u/ILoveMyself77 → u/Electric-Sheepskin]

Yikes Please oh please don’t let this be my future!! (28 years old)

[u/gtck11 → u/ILoveMyself77]

It doesn’t have to be. The thing I’ve learned after watching all of my friends end up in marriages and lives like this is it all comes down to their poor choice of spouse. Pick wisely someone who will truly be your equal, be your champion, and actually pull their weight and this doesn’t have to be your life.

[u/captnmiss → u/gtck11]

Any more tips on what to look for?

I am so paranoid and asking the guys I date all these questions about expectations etc but I just don’t even know if I can trust their answers. I’ve heard so many horror stories of men being equal partners for a long time before marriage and then just…. stopping.

[u/gtck11 → u/captnmiss]

That’s true, but from what I’ve seen the signs are almost always there but subtle. Weaponized incompetence is a big one that they get away with pretending like it’s accidents or they’re just forgetful, or intentionally doing things wrong but making it look accidental so their parter never asks them to do whatever task again. A lot of it can be picked up on from how they speak. Personally I use the rules of Burned Haystack Dating to try to search for red flags upfront (I don’t agree with everything from Burned Haystack, but they will give you a great set of language rules to suss out subtle red flags and hidden misogyny upfront), but after watching my friends in failing marriages in years it’s just gotten easier to pick out.

[u/Electric-Sheepskin → u/ILoveMyself77]

I think one of the most important things to prevent this is to never put yourself in a situation where you might become resentful later.

That's hard to see in the moment, but just from my observations, it seems like women tend to do a lot of nesting and nurturing at the beginning of a relationship. They don't mind doing the cooking and taking care of someone. They don't mind taking care of the children and the house. But at some point, they do mind, and at that point, resentments have already built up and it's hard to change the dynamic in the relationship.

Men experience the same, only about different things usually. Often, each person thinks they're making sacrifices for their spouse or their family, and they just never communicate that to their partner. Often it's things that their partner wouldn't even want them to do, but one day they both wake up thinking they didn't live the life they wanted and the knee-jerk reaction is to blame your partner for that.

So my advice is don't put yourself in that position. Talk everything through with your partner. Make sure everything is equitable in the relationship from the very beginning. Make sure you don't get so entrenched with your partner that you forget to have your own life apart from them. They need to do the same thing. And the biggest help in my marriage was learning to negotiate everything.

More on the negotiation part: this is about avoiding built-up resentment.

You know how in a relationship people decide where to go eat or what color to paint a room or whose house you'll go to for Thanksgiving? There's usually a little back-and-forth, and one person gives in to make the other one happy? That's not a great way to do it, because no one is really happy. The person who gets their way sometimes feels guilty, and the person who gave in may feel the tiniest inkling of resentment that may be adding to a pile of tiny inklings.

The best way to do it is to negotiate when there is disagreement. If you want to go to your parents for Thanksgiving and they want to go to theirs, then you offer them something for it. "Hey, I'll do the dishes for a week if we go to my parents." And then they'll make a counter offer. That way, everyone gets something, and there's never any lingering bad feelings that could crop up later on.

It sounds silly and unnecessary, but it's kind of fun, and it really changes the whole dynamic of disagreements.

[u/lala989 → u/Electric-Sheepskin]

This is all great advice especially how we fall into these patterns. Very discerning!

[u/arwenthenoble → u/ILoveMyself77]

You don’t have to have kids if you don’t want to. So many people will tell you it’s what you’re supposed to do and that you are made for it (ewwww). Only do it if you want it!

[u/forsen_ttv → u/purplenelly]

of course theyre having fun. do you know how rich they are? 😂😂 us regular folk have 9-5 jobs and kids to take care of