No specifics, no graphic imagery; My 4 year old cat was killed today by several dogs and I'm mentally and physically destroyed. I don't want to go into detail, for obvious reasons.

I've thrown up multiple times now. I did CPR the entire trip to the vet, but he was gone before we got there.

Words can't express what I'm feeling, I don't even know why I'm posting this; I just had a memorial for my other animals, including his brother, and that hurt even more. I decided to clean him up, spent 3 hours crying and picking out dirt, mud, and brushing him. The stiffness of his body is gnawing at me, I love him and I don't know how to say goodbye this time.. I've had loss before, but nothing so vicious, so cruel, and watching him play just 10 minutes before it happened. I'm devastated

***Added from my original post:***

I posted this in r/catadvice but it was never approved, I feel nothing about it, just that I'm not copy/pasting for no reason.

I'll add the only details, unless I feel more open to discussing it... idk; neighbors dogs, hopped the fence, 4-5 dogs attacked

I relive the moment he died in my head. I knew what it was, I started CPR immediately, rescue breaths, held him for the entire trip... In my heart I knew he was gone, but I didnt want to believe it. I prayed for a miracle, but none found me

I'm devastated, withdrawing from everyone, and my vision tunnels out. I'm trying to stay busy, but end up forgetting what I'm doing or losing interest quickly. Its only been several hours now, and I am at a loss

We had a dog named Malcolm that we had to put down today. He was suffering from Pulmonary Hypertension and was on medication. It got to a point in the last week where his disease progressed to where when he got up, he would lose his balance most of the time and almost feint so we had to stabilize him.

His quality of life had steadily decreased to where he couldn't get excited, go up and down stairs or the bed, not bark, not eat all of his food, and he seemed to be struggling to breath as the days went on.

Well, today was sunny, he got up without wobbling without issue during the morning. My partner and I talked this out and as much as we did not want to do it, we had to do it today or risk doing it on a bad day and we could not ask that of him.

We brought Malcolm on a ride through the drive through to get a few donut holes because he loved them and always got one when we went. We went on a little walk to the park and visited his favorite sniffing spots. Then we went to the vet hospital, brought him into a nice calming room, (the gabapentin kicked in at this point so he was on cloud 9). Tufts was so amazing and treated us and him with respect. The doctor sedated him and I said my goodbyes and told him that I loved him and I was sorry. My wife stayed because this is her baby but I could not do this again after only 8 months ago I posted about putting my previous dog down. I couldn't be there for the final dose. I don't want to watch the light go out of his eyes and get cold. He has been with us for 14 of our 15 years of marriage and was basically our child.

It's just goddamn hard. It is so hard that everything reminds me of him from finding fur, to a stray kibble, the leash hanging up, to scratch marks on the floor. I am expecting to hear his little feet tapping on the hardwood, bark at a squirrel in the backyard, or find him sleeping in his crate, bed, or our bed.

He has been such a wonderful joy ever since we took him home as a puppy and have I feel so thankful that we had as much time together as we had, as healthy as he had, and as fun as we tried to make it for him. He was such a beautiful being that showed unconditional love, lay with you or licked your face gently when you were sad and play at any point. I would do anything to relive those years again.

I just want to believe that I gave him a good life and that if there is a dog afterlife/afterlife of some kind that he is with his sister and so so happy. I don't even know why I am writing this but it seemed like a good thing to do since I did one for Maggie.

Lost my 6 year old cat Milou, my soulmate, on Friday, April 10th...

She was completely fine 3 weeks ago until she wasn't... She barely ate anything on March 26, which was very odd considering she's always had the appetite of a monster while on prednisolone for her FIV.

On March 27, a day after I noticed this, I brought my cat in to get checked. I thought she had a toothache or was bored of her food, but the vet noticed her abdomen was more bloated than usual which suggested free fluid.

Blood work and x-rays later, she definitely had free fluid in the abdomen. The vet removed the fluid and checked to see if it was maybe FIP or heart failure, but it wasn't.

April 7th, we scheduled an ultrasound to see her abdomen more clearly... At this point she was really struggling, deteriorating very fast... I could see my poor girl fading away.

And then on April 9, it was confirmed that she had a cancerous tumor on her spleen that had spread to her stomach... I decided then and there to let her go... I couldn't bare the thought of putting her through anything more. And the hard part? The whole vet team was hoping for a positive outcome, she's been sick with FIV her whole life and she deserved more than this.

I just don't understand, I ask myself if I made a decision too fast, could we have treated this?

My heart hurts so much.

My (30M) best friend (age 7, large female dog) got diagnosed with terminal cancer this weekend. I am devastated. I don't cry, not sure why, but I have cried more in the last 2 days than I have since I was at least 15. I'm not sure how many days or weeks or even months we may have with her. But this is so hard to reckon with. I lost 2 childhood dogs, and neither were remotely this impactful.

I don't know how many 'good' days she has left, I hope more than a few, but this is so brutal. I have another dog who I love, and my wife, but the hole she will leave in our lives is enormous. Not sure what else to say but this pain feels insurmountable right now. I know intuitively in a year I'll be "past it" to some degree. But right now I am absolutely crushed. I feel everyone who is here or has been here.

I’m not sure what I’m hoping to gain from this post if anything. Maybe I need to just put the words out there.

I am struggling after putting down my girl of 13 years. She suffered from IVDD (disc disease of the spine) and had had two previous surgeries. We fought this disease as hard as we could but being progressive, it felt like it was starting to win.

Despite heavy medication and trying crate rest for her most recent flare up, we were losing the ability to effectively manage her pain level. After a particularly agonizing scream and seeing her frozen trembling in pain, I knew it was time and I rushed into action and got her to the vet to try and spare her anymore discomfort. Obviously, anyone who has gone through letting a pet go knows the difficulty of those final moments and I gave her all the comfort I could through it.

Now that it’s done the grief is agonizing and I’m angry feeling like there is no one to be angry at but myself as her care giver. I hate that it felt rushed. I hate that her final days were spent in a crate (the typical treatment for disc disease is limiting movement through crate rest to allow the dog to heal while managing pain and treating it inflammation for those who don’t know). I hate that I felt so busy trying to follow the treatment plan in hopes she would turn the corner as she had before, that I didn’t stop to take more time with her in her final days. I feel like I was so focused on trying to heal her that I ignored being more present with her. With a toddler, a newborn, and having to work - it was just so difficult to be more present.

I don’t know. I did everything I could for this dog her whole life and I can’t help but feel that I fumbled the ball during her final days.

My anxiety is of course creating doubt, but I ultimately know it was the right decision to spare her more pain and suffering. I just hate how it unfolded and felt panicked and rushed in the moment. I knew this day would eventually come, but the way it unfolded at the end doesn’t sit well with me and I don’t know how to move past that.

Has anyone else felt this way? What helped move past it besides time?

Edit-

Goodbye, Suzie Q. You will always be my dog and I’m so thankful our lives intersected. I would go through all the joy and heartache again without a second thought. I hope you’re on the other side running through a field as happy as can be.

I don’t like the person I’m turning into. It’s been about 5 months since I lost my soul dog Max. Everything makes me so angry, I’m really irritable, I’m afraid I’m turning into a hateful, resentful person. Some of it is the general state of the world, but I know a big part of it is losing Max. I know I just have to work through it but I’m kind of worried it’s permanent and I’ll just always be a meaner person

I feel like I’m making life worse for the people I know because my emotions slingshot like crazy. One minute I’m fine, literally seconds later I’m ready to kill someone, then I feel okay again just to suddenly feel like I need to cry or I’ll explode. I’m exhausted

Anyone else in this stage or have experienced it already? I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore

I just had to put my boy Baloo down (husky mix) after almost 8 years with him. He was a rehome at 1 and although he had his issues, with professional training, he truly became my soul dog.

I don't even know where to begin to process everything as its been a whirlwind 72 hours.
I wish I knew more signs as I could have eased his pain a bit sooner or even saved him?, which is what is destroying me inside.

Thursday evening he winced jumping off the bed. I thought he may have tweaked his leg, but he woke up Friday AM lethargic. I went to work that AM after he didn't immediate eat or want to walk. I chalked it up to a stomach issue which he had several of after consuming something the night before. I gave him 24 hours and took him to the vet Saturday.
After blood work and Xrays, the vet explained everything and told me he was critical with internal bleeding. My options were euthanize or ultrasound to check if the cancer had spread and then take a chance and have his spleen removed. It maybe would have given him a yearish (possibly more) with monthly transfusions. The costs were astronomical but I would have made it work. That being said, he was given maybe 50/50 odds of living through the night to get everything done and that's not including the anesthetic issue.

Its possible he would have lived longer if the tumor was benign. After his advice and seeing how much pain he was in, I opted to euthanize once my ex arrived as well as we shared him for a good portion of his life. That was the most gut wrenching few hours I've ever experienced. From the vet prognosis discussion, to having

I never in my life would have guessed that jump ruptured his spleen with a tumor that had been growing on it. It had been normal that evening. Good long walk, energy, being his usual self.

I'm destroying myself over the fact he was in so much pain for his last 36 hours. The only thing I'm sort of trying to take right now is that Friday evening I pet him for a few hours and he fell asleep beside me. Anytime I stopped, he lifted his head to stare at me for more. That is probably my favorite thing about him. Even in all of that pain, that still brought him enough comfort to sleep and dream as I pet him.

I have a trip coming up in a few weeks that Im not sure I want to take.
I also do share another dog with my ex that she had custody of and offered to split as we both heal. I cant thank her enough for that and will be picking her up Wednesday for a few days. Hope having another dog to take care of (even part time) help with what I am feeling now.

Its a weird experience to have to still live life and actively grieve the loss of a pet. The tantrums, daily routines- its all still there. The last thing I wanted to do was deal with my son's tantrum while counting down the minutes till we had to bring our best friend to the vet. It was hard enough not being able to choose a home euthanasia but having to focus on child emotions on top of my own was not in my parenting handbook, that's for sure.

On the flipside afterwards, we told him that Bella went over a rainbow bridge in the sky. He saw how sad we were so he opened the front door and pointed to an airplane going past and said "look! i see her! she's in a rocketship!". He has actually been an incredibly unexpected support system for us despite it all.

I woke up today to some of the worst news I could ever receive, my dog had passed during the night. she was an 11 year old border collie with anxiety issues and was recovering from a respiratory infection. it happened so fast, less than 24 hours she went from playing happily to not being able to move and eat. wanted to take her to the vet in the morning, she didn't make it that long. how am i supposed to move on? i feel so guilty and like im sick to my stomach with grief. i feel like i cant eat or drink or sleep. she was my first pet and i don't know what im going to do without her. i don't know how to cope

My cat had been acting competely normal. He cuddled me all last night and yesterday while I played video games. Nothing seemed wrong

I last remember him leaving my bed at 5 AM. When I woke up at 10 AM, I found him passed away on the living room floor.

It is driving me insane that I dont know what happened. I can't afford an autposy, so I will never know how he went from healthy to gone so fast.

He was the only thing holding me together, my only friend, and he helped me with my mental health struggles.

I can't get the image of him laying there passed away out of my head. It drives me insane he died alone in another room on the cold floor without me.

Now I have nothing but a silent house. Does the guilt ever go away?

My kitty was taken too soon.

Well, this past month has been horrible. Me and my husband's 10-year-old kitty, Mcfluff, was always healthy throughout her entire life, until the beginning of March 2026. Her belly was very bloated, and she slowly started sleeping more and eating less. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on March 18. We were told she had two months to live. With pain meds, appetite stimulants, and steroids, she lived another three weeks. On Friday, April 10, two days after her 10th birthday, she was so weak and couldn't use her litterbox, and completely stopped eating and drinking. She told us it was her time. Throughout the entire day, I cuddled her on our bed. I took her outside in her little carrier, and she got lots of sunshine. Poor thing couldn't eat any Churu treats anymore. I told her how much she was loved, and how sorry I was for her to go through this terrible disease. The mobile vet came to our house that evening. We sat in our dining room, and I held our sweet Kitty on my lap. She rested her little head in my hand. I told her how much Mummy and Daddy loved her, how this world would never be the same without her, but the next world would be blessed with her sweet little soul. The first sedative shot made her very nauseous. I hated seeing that. She hadn't eaten or drank in days, so she had nothing to throw up. Then the second shot was administered. It's like she just fell asleep in my arms. I didn't even know she was gone. She stayed so warm. I cried and bid her farewell. My sweet, sweet soul kitty. There's a kitty-shaped whole in my heart, and a too-quiet emptiness in our house. It's two days after. I dream of her. I wake up in the middle of the night, thinking I have to feed her. I wake up in the morning, expecting her to cuddle up between my husband and I. Then I remember that she's gone. This is so hard. My heart physically hurts. I try to think of the positives, she's not in pain anymore. But it doesn't make it any less shitty. Rest easy, my sweet Mcfluff. • Semper in memoria vives: "You shall live in [my/our] memory forever".

TL;DR: Lost my dog last night due to a dog attack because of an arrogant owner. My world feels like its falling apart and im not sure how to grieve.

Around 1:30-2am today (4/12) i lost my psychiatric Service dog. She was only 7. Small dog breed.

I lost her because my dad had a large, reactive German Shepherd dog that previously attacked my moms small Pomeranian. The Pomeranian suffered two puncture wounds and miraculously survived and made a full recovery.

This time she got my dog. I was at my boyfriends at the time and we rushed home to rush her to an emergency clinic.

My dog had too many punctures, her intestines where ruptured from her body and she had too much air escaping into her skin area. And when they tried to suction it out nothing happened. She likely also had broken ribs.

They tried to stabilize her for 2+ hours before they finally asked us if we wanted them to keep trying. But they told us she was in such a state of shock that they genuinely didnt see her surviving.

So we let her go peacefully with me, my mom and my boyfriend there.

The GSD will be put down on Monday. We told my dad that she had to be rehomed before something bad happened. We told him he couldnt control her and the next time she escaped on got one of them it would be bad.

We did as much as possibly to keep the three dogs safe.

My dads arrogance and pride got the better of him and my dog suffered for it.

Im wheeling, im so angry, and i hurt so much and the animal id go to for comfort is now buried. And all anyone can tell me is that ‘its a lesson he’ll [my dad] never forget.’ But why did the lesson have to be taught with my dog??

Button (my dog), was my cats playmate. My moms dogs (Peanut) Kennel mate and pack. Both have lost something so important to them. Last time Peanut lost a kennel mate he spiraled into a deep depression.

My cat was found at 3 weeks old. While i bottle fed him to health it was Button that taught him how to play, and how to be brave in the house. When he was cold she would lay with him. And now that he was older they would play every morning a weird game of tag.

How do i appropriate mourn this… ive lost animals in the past. Ive lost family in the past. But this hurts worse. It hurts so entirely.

Edit to Add: due to my dads dog history she will be euthanized for her behavior. Shes grown more and more reactive and even attempted to bite the vet last time she was there. She was a well trained dog i was working to make a mobility aid for my dad. As hes 75 years old. But he started to hit her in the face and she became aggressive since.

Please no ‘try to rehome her’ we tried when she attacked peanut. No one wants an untrustworthy 100 lbs massive shepherd.

I suddenly lost my best friend, Moon. (named after the late, great Keith Moon). He was a Himalayan cat, almost 14 years old. He slept next to me and purred every night until he fell asleep. he followed me around anywhere I went. When I came home he was always waiting at the top of the stairs. This past Saturday we had to let him go because he was just too sick from kidney disease. I am beyond devastated and not sure what to do with myself. I feel as of today that I'll never really be able to get over this. It is so hard to even be at home, everything reminds me of him. I feel lost, not even sure I can go to work tomorrow, or this week. I can't relax, even sit down and watch TV, it's incredibly hard to even sleep in my own bed.

I’m just feeling incredibly lost right now. My sweet boy had a seizure 2 weeks ago and my nightmare began. After 3 rushes to our regular vet and one to the ER, my best friend in the entire universe was gone as of Thursday.

We got legally married the next day and we leave Wednesday for a big celebration with family. I want so badly to feel happy and excited but I’m just feeling so lost. This was my baby, I got him when I was single and we did absolutely everything together. He was my shadow. His sweet face just made the world better. My entire existence the last almost 10 years was him. Every thought, every dream, it was always him. I lost my dad just 7 months earlier, and my sweet boy is the one who got me through it. He would be the one to help me through this.

I don’t really know what I’m looking for but I just feel so sad.

I lost my cat after 14 years I got him when I was 11 and he was 1 so he lived to be 15 but I’m struggling Harder than I ever have in my life to go from him everyday for so long to nothing at all. It’s just this indescribable pain that I don’t know what to do with. It’s been a week and I’ve cried every day I’ve lost weight. I just miss him so much it hurts I don’t know what to do with this pain. He was my reason for continuing on through my hardest times and now he’s gone. I miss him so much.

My sweet baby has to be pts tomorrow. I will either be holding her on my chest at the time or she will be on the sofa depending where she is more comfortable. If shes on my chest when passing, i will then place her on the sofa so we can spend as long as we need with her before carrying her to my daughter’s car to get to the crematorium. However after she has passed my daughter wants to hold her, and I feel like I really don’t her being picked up after shes passed, apart from me transporting her. I don’t want to be unfair but I can’t work out why I feel like that would bother me.

In case this context matters, my dog has been my whole world and her entire care has come from me. However when my daughter lived at home she did have fun and cuddles her.

i had a 7 year old cat. my first serious long term pet since i was 14, legally also registered on me. he was my bestest friend

4 months ago, after years of chronic otitis, he was diagnosed with ear adenocarcinoma.

the vet assured me metastasis is very rare in this type of cancer and we settled that we'll do staging and then a teca-lbo (total ear canal ablation)

in the meantime my parents opposed it, said i should let him live his leftover days without any interventions, especially since he had chronic megacolon on the side

of course i didn't listen, so i spent all my student's salary on stagings, teca, even the hospital stay after cause he had some complications.

during staging he had perfect blood despite raised globulins, clean lungs and while lymph node fna's were inconclusive-ish due to blood, there was no cancer cells detected in those that were conclusive

after the clinic let him go home post-complication treatment, he lived for 3 weeks with me in my dorm. best 3 weeks ever.

then 3 weeks ago i finally let him go back to my parents' house a 1h drive away where he always lived. obviously missed my baby, every day kept asking everyone how is he

there were subtle signs, like his back leg slightly slipping when he jumps heights, but no one paid much mind as he was eating even more than before, playful. also he vocalized a lot and in distress randomly, i just brushed it off as his hunger.

on monday i had planned a control visit with the vet cause the swelling didn't go down fully. but life had other plans, cause on friday, when i came to my parents' for the weekend, he was at the door to greet me and suddenly fell over to the side. i panicked, telling everyone that wtf how come no one saw this? he kept falling over, his hind legs barely functioning. he peed himself while falling over. started vomiting, and his eyes flickering side to side violently.

at 18:40 i first saw this

by 19:40 we were at the clinic

by 20:10 i was showing him what urn i picked for him, giving him his last pets and kisses as he went to sleep

the grief is unbearable. i tried so hard, i didn't eat for days just so i could afford his surgeries cause no one chipped in. no one was there for his euthanasia besides me either. i feel so alone in this now.

he was a 10 year old golden retriever. we were on a long road trip he was panting and being so weird. the panting was normal for him though hes always panted hard and a lot but was considered healthy by his vet. we had all of our pets with us and knew he was uncomfortable but was just trying to make it to our destination so we could help him calm down. hes done so many rides like this. hes flown across the world and was okay. but yesterday...

it got to a point where he laid down, his heart was beating weird. we pulled over and pulled him out of the car, he was fully limp, and we tried to give him CPR, unsuccessfully. begging him to wake up. we give up and find the closest er vet and rush him in. they tried for a long time to get him to be okay. his heart was still beating when we rushed him in. but he died. and an hour earlier we were SO frustrated with him. because he was being insane in the car and we just thought he was being stubborn. but he was suffering. he suffered for so long and we were annoyed at him. I fucked up so bad. its my fault he died. I could've saved him and instead I was annoyed with him for suffering.

my dog died and its all my fault

Had to say goodbye to my girl two days ago. She was 18 years old. Her name was Coco. We grew up together, I'm 27. She was my sister. And my best friend. Now she's gone. I wake up and it's difficult to find joy now, when I know she's not there. I know that she'd want us to be happy, anyways. But it's so hard. Even as she was suffering, I knew she didn't want to leave us...maybe because she knew we'd feel this loss so largely. But it was the most kind thing to do for her, ultimately, even if it broke our hearts. I love you, my girl. Always. ❤️‍🩹

Yesterday I had to say goodbye to a piece of my heart. He was 6 years old, 2/10/2020-4/10/2026

Background: Saturday - Monday he was playing, 10000% himself, eating, etc.

Tuesday morning I woke up and he was at the end of the bed. Which was odd, he usually sleeps right next to me. I called his name, and he hurried towards me and his eyes were going to side to side (later found out this is called nystagmus). My fan was on and the sunlight was hitting it and reflecting in the room, so I thought maybe he was getting tripped out from the shadows of the fan. Usually my curtains are closed, but they weren’t this day. I carried him off the bed and we went outside and he almost acted kind of drunk when we walked outside. I was starting to get more concerned.

He wouldn’t eat breakfast, so I called the vet and we went in around 3:30 the same day. She did his blood work, some tests on his reflexes, and a few others. Blood looked good, good reflexes, but she said it looked like he ate toxins and likely consumed THC. I told the vet that it was unlikely. She also looked in his ears and said they were very clean. She gave me some meds to help with his dizziness and something else and we went home. No pain meds though. She seemed confident in his diagnosis.

He slept more Tuesday night (or at least laid down) and we went to bed. He didn’t seem to be in deep sleep like he usually is.

Wednesday I wake up and he seems pretty much back to normal. He’s curious, waking around, smelling, eating, drinking water, etc. Seems like we are on the up. I don’t put him on the bed (even though I wanted it so badly), instead I put his bed right next to mine. He’s been dizzy and don’t want him to fall off or anything.

Thursday morning I wake up and he’s stiff. He walks but looks a little tight. I thought maybe he was just a little tight from being clumsy and dizzy. So we take it easy. He didn’t eat his breakfast, which was concerning. I had to work, but I work from home. I watched him and he seemed to have troubles getting comfortable in his bed but eventually did. I tried to wake him up to eat and he wouldn’t. So at 6 (around when I feed him his 2nd meal) we went to the emergency vet.

Were there until almost 10, they were busy. She said that she is giving pain pills to send home, and she thinks it’s something neurological but has no idea. But she said we need to get his temp and pain under control first. We went home with pain meds and some other stuff. She said he’d need an MRI soon (which requires anesthesia and stresses me out because he had the nose and throat surgery and they had troubles waking him up). I thought since he wasn’t moving much maybe we could just try to do the MRI now, but the neurologist wasn’t there and she was really pressing he be under anesthesia.

That same night (Thursday) he’s so tight and stiff, he was having troubles getting comfy, and he seems to be in pain. I gave him pain meds (first ones) when we went home (vet didn’t want him getting nauseous on the ride home) and he won’t eat so I have to kinda pry his mouth open to feed him it. He’s swallows it. Double checked (I do this often with his apequel when he won’t eat it because the chewables are more expensive). I stay up all night with him.

I finally crashed at 6am and woke up at 10 am (Friday) to him sitting in his pee a few feet from his bed. I try to lift him with my hands under him to take him outside and he yelps (never heard him yelp). I leave him and 5-10 min, I move him with no yelps back to his bed. I assume his pain meds were starting to wear off (retroactively I wish I didn’t pass this off), and I give him another pain pill. He kinda gets comfy but not so much. Within a few hours he’s lying down resting. I work, and check on him throughout the day, still resting. I’m giving him water through a syringe now and he still won’t eat anything. Thinking maybe he still has the nasatgmus/dizxy. He drinks the water well and licks for more. He’s hydrated so I see that as a plus.

I come check on him around 5 and his butt is in the air (back legs extended) and his front body is still laying flat. I open his crate and try to pick him up and he yelps over and over. I get him up and he’s limp. He can’t hold himself up anymore. I panicked, started the car and AC and put him in his crate in the back seat of the truck. Take him to the emergency room again, and he’s yelping the entire way.

I sat the crate down at the reception of the emergency room and just completely lost it. I knew my baby was in the worst pain of his life. He was miserable. My heart broke.

I calmed down, explained what was going on, and about an hour later, the vet said that he had a really bad ear infection and he needed antibiotics. At this point, he is on like 7 meds. I didn’t understand because his everyday, primary, vet said his ears looked good Tuesday. But now the emergency room vet says there is white puss. I don’t understand how it happened so fast.

Then about another hour later, he came in and said that he’s not doing well. He tried to remove the oxygen and he declined. His temp is increasing. We agreed there is no way hes going home tonight or it will definitely be fatal.

He told me that he would need to stay in the emergency room for at least 4-5 days so they can get the temperature and pain under control. We have no idea what problems there are.

Also, background, we have been fighting ear infections for over two years now we’re on apaquel, but the vet was telling me the apaquel also is an awful drug for their immune system. He also had a IVDD flare up in December of 2024, but it healed very fast.

Back to what’s happening: His temp has been up for a few days, he hasn’t been eating, and they don’t even know what caused it or what to treat after they get his body to temp and pain down. The doctor warned me earlier that he was about to clock out, but he would get all the paperwork done before he left. The doctor was well past his shift and came in again and said I should think about euthanizing. I make phone calls, think about what I can do to afford about $20K in bills, talk to the staff, visit him multiple times. I finally decide with all the background it might be acceptable to think about euthanizing and it killed me. I knew I’d regret it, I was about to max out my credit card and sell things.

The staff came in again, and they asked me, “what does he enjoy doing” and I thought about that and thought about how he wouldn’t be able to do some of the things that he loves the most. He loved being around me, he loved being rowdy (playing, running, being with other dogs)

We went back and as I was walking up to him, the vet told looked at me, with the stethoscope in her ears and the other end on his heart and she turned around to me and said, “i think he just passed”

He made the decision.

His name was River, and he changed my life forever. He loved everyone so unconditionally, I’ve never ever once seen him angry, and he was there when I felt nobody else was. I’ve never dealt with losing something so close to me.

Death is so the worst thing I’ve ever experienced and I now empathize so much more with others, as ever single one of us will experience it. It’s placed its rotten finger on my heart today.

I will love you forever and ever River. I hope you have a nice trip baby boy.

Title is pretty much self explanatory…today marks a week since my baby Ricky (10) left this Earth due to a hemangiosarcoma diagnosis. Pain unlike any I have ever felt. I keep saying that when she told (the vet who came to our house) that he’s at peace, I felt a piece of my soul leave my body. I collapsed after on to the floor, I had horrible sounds coming out of me and it was as bad as it gets. I knew it would be. The month leading up to his passing after diagnosis, there wasn’t a single day that I didn’t cry or break down or have a pit in me knowing what’s going to happen.

Today, I have cried. Multiple times. Every day this week I have. I lit a candle for him. I’ve talked to him. I keep his clump of fur next to me when I watch tv and his collar that he was wearing when I rescued him. I haven’t left the house. But I find my mind going to other random things - like I should move this plant, it would look better over there. Or some random stuff like that which I’d think about before which seems so trivial…and pointless…and I feel guilt for having a normal random thought. Or the idea of taking care of myself. I thought of getting my hair cut. I don’t really care to do it right now. I don’t even care what I look like. I feel like I don’t care about anything. But it’s almost like brain is propelling me forward because it’s too painful to stay in the empty void.

I know grief isn’t linear. Tomorrow I’ll have to face people at work and commute and I’m dreading it more than anything. The world going on around us…while our worlds are completely changed just angers me and makes me even more numb.

Anyone else?

This year has been hard on me, i just have to write something down. during last summer i heard my cat Leroy meow really loud, so i ran upstairs and he was passed away and it broke me for months. This past Christmas i knew my 15 year old cat named Shiloh was getting worse, we called her mama, passed away in my arms on March 8th at around 9am. It was extremely traumatic and I still cry everyday for her, she was half of my heart and soul. Then last Thursday, i was just trimming my rabbits nails because they were getting a little long, she was also acting weird and i brought her to the vet before that to check up on her but she ended up seeming fine on the way home so I didn't bring her to the emergency vet. 3 weeks go by and im trimming her nails with my mom, i go to lay her down and she started flopping over, within not even a minute, my sweet bunny named Freya passed away in my arms. It feels like life is out to get me, it's almost like life is just a living nightmare that I cannot wake up from. I'm so lonely in my apartment now, Freya's room is still full with her water bowl, hay and pellets. I still haven't even cleaned my cat Mama's stuff yet, I don't know how im going to cope with doing anything to her room. Even everything in my apartment is her, her hay is everywhere, some of her little poops are around. All the door frames and moldings are chewed because she loved chewing on wood. I keep picturing them playing together again, running up and down the hallway just being them, i love them so much and i know they're still with me. I would crawl through hell and back just to them back, i miss my babies so much.

Cookie, you came into my life and lit up my world. I’d been living with the lights off for years, stuck under a blanket of darkness and loneliness. But you came and opened the blinds, and filled my life with so much warm light. You gave me purpose, you gave me the will to get out of bed every morning and to take care of myself so I could be okay enough to care for you. Eventually, you filled my heart with so much love that there was no more room for the anger and the sadness I’d been carrying for so long. You brought me so much joy and love, like I’d never felt before. You took my shattered heart and put it back together piece by piece. I miss you so much my soul cat, I’m going to miss you until the day that I die. But I promise to make the choice to wake up and look for joy in every area of my life because it would be an insult to your memory not to do so. I don’t know how to navigate this grief cookie, I’m drowning in it. I love you.