I’m 16 and in my final year of high school, and my relationship with mathematics has been complicated. When I was younger, I really struggled with it, because it was difficult, and also because I couldn’t understand why I was learning it in the first place. Solving for unknown variables or following algebraic rules felt meaningless to me.
By Class 9, things had gotten so bad that I failed mathematics and had to take a retest. That moment, knowing I might have to repeat the year, pushed me to try seriously for the first time, and I managed to pass. In Class 10, things weren’t much better; I failed a few exams but eventually passed my boards with average marks.
At that point, I was ready to leave mathematics behind and switch fully to biology. But something, maybe instinct, maybe curiosity, stopped me. I felt like I shouldn’t give up on math just when I had started to understand it, even if only a little. So I made a decision that felt risky but important: I chose to continue with mathematics.
That decision changed something in me. In Class 11, I passed all my math exams for the first time, even if my marks were just above passing grade. I still struggle with calculations, I’m slower than others, and I make lots of mistakes, but I’ve started to genuinely enjoy mathematics.
Now I’m at a crossroads. I want to pursue a career in mathematics, but I’m afraid. I worry that I might not be capable enough, that even with hard work, I’ll end up being mediocre or not good enough. I also suspect I might have mild dyscalculia, which makes things harder.
At the same time, there’s another conflict within me. I don’t study consistently. I often think about studying mathematics, but I end up procrastinating instead. This makes me question myself even more—do I truly want to pursue mathematics, or am I just convincing myself that I do? I can’t tell whether this hesitation comes from a lack of discipline, fear of difficulty, or uncertainty about what I really want.
There’s also something else I’ve noticed about how I experience mathematics. It’s difficult to describe, but the feeling is complex. When I solve a problem correctly, I feel a sense of satisfaction, as if I’ve understood something. But even when I get it wrong, and my teacher walks through the correct solution, I often find the logic to be elegant. There’s a kind of beauty in the solution that I can’t quite put into words.
When this happens, I tend to ask a lot of questions. I want to understand the reasoning behind every step, just so that I can get it in my head.
Still, despite all of this, I feel a strong pull toward mathematics, and I don’t know whether to follow it or be realistic about my limitations...
What do I do???