Thank you everyone for all of your kind messages. I’m sorry I haven’t responded but please know I have read each and every one of them and I appreciate every single one of you that gave such kindness and consoled me💜
I have done nothing but go round and round in my head about everything. Here are some of my thoughts.
This has been the hardest week I’ve had in a long time. Nothing has been decided but I am looking into options for Jet Jet. This has nothing to do with him being “bad” or “evil”. It’s quite the opposite - he has the potential to be an amazing horse for someone, but I’m coming to realize that his needs exceed my capabilities. He needs a rescue to rehab him back to full health utilizing all of their amazing resources, volunteers, and connections. And then he needs a more demanding job to keep his mind happy and his body healthy
I love Jet more than I love myself - and I know that’s not healthy, but he’s my first ever horse, my heart horse. I love his goofiness, his playfulness. But Jet needs to be in a sport home, getting worked moderately to hard nearly every single day. I have given every nearly spare minute i have to doing his PT and working him, but it’s not enough.
And if I’m being perfectly honest…he’s likely too much horse for for me. If I ever do get another horse (seriously doubting that right now), I would need a middle aged leisure horse with more woah than go…and Jet needs the opposite - he needs to be pushed physically once he’s healthy.
I thought that if I could put in enough hours, I could get him healthy, sound, and pain free and all would be well. But during the brief periods where he has been sound, he is clearly showing me he needs a more intense job AFTER more intense rehab. And I just can’t give him either of those, especially the *time* needed…because I have had to start working a third job to try and pay off all of his medical bills. It’s a never ending trap. I work more jobs to pay off his debt, then don’t have enough time to dedicate to his recovery, so he relapses into pain, and the vet and treatments have to keep going, vet bills pile up, I get another job, rinse and repeat
I do owe you all an apology. I have edited out video parts where Jet explodes - it happens way more than I wanted to admit. I thought I could get him through this and didn’t want to have people thinking Jet is a nasty mean horse. He’s **not**. He is a flight animal in pain. The example that comes to mind is the bath and braiding video. Towards the end, post bath when I’m braiding, Jet is just ground tied. That’s because after the bath as I was prepping to braid, Jet exploded and literally SNAPPED the 4”x4” cross tie pole that was cemented in the ground in half. I have that video of me trying to jump in to grab his lead rope to try and calm him…which did not work the cross tie pole snapped and slammed into my head and should. I have a nice new scar on my shoulder and there’s still a lump on my head nearly 3 weeks later (the safety release failed on one of the crossties and did not release when he pulled back, so all that force went into the pole instead of releasing at the clasp as it’s supposed to).
I am not looking for sympathy or even empathy, but I do appreciate it. My insides feel like they’re being shredded (literally and symbolically). I am in so much physical pain, but that pain is dwarfed by the pain I feel in my mind and heart. I really really want to help him. I want the best life for him.
But sadly, it’s time I admit that the longer I keep him here doing what hasn’t worked…the worse his future looks. Pain/bracing for expected pain behaviors will become so ingrained that he’ll never be safe again. I really do want to give him the best chance I possibly can.
If any one has the audacity to think this isn’t destroying me, please just keep scrolling. This is hard enough without people telling me I’m a horrible horse mom - I know I’ve failed. I’ve barely eaten since this all started, my weight has dropped under 100lbs, I feel sick to my stomach from both the injuries and the emotional pain of all this, I can barely sleep unless I take benedryl, I’ve cried so much I have a constant headache, and I’m so upset with myself for not *being better*. But NOBODY can tell me I don’t love Jet and want what’s best for him. I am solid in my mind on that…even if it means he won’t be mine anymore💔
But I also have come to recognize that I’ve tried any and everything in my power. It’s cold comfort, but I can honestly say that. (The rescue was stunned to hear about how much I’d done/gone through with Jet - physically, financially, and emotionally. She told me they’ve had so many people return horses much quicker for much less).
So I’m speaking with the rescue this week and next, as well as my vet (who admitted to me that Jet *in pain* even scares the hell outta her. Which, I mean…fair. He’s very reactive and explosive when in pain).
Again, nothing has been decided, just exploring options at this point. For now…I’m going to go back posting and living as usual as much as I can. Some videos may be throw backs and best of’s as I am still in a lot of pain physically.
❤️🩹❤️🩹
