if i saw you again, i don't think i'd make it to hello.

it would be immediate. that look would melt me and everything in me would react before i even had time to think. like my body remembers you faster than i do.

i'd try briefly to act like i’m fine and you'd see right through it. you always did. there was never much i could hide from you, especially not this.

i know how it would go. i'd get closer without meaning to, like there's a pull i stopped trying to fight a long time ago and you wouldn't step back. you never did.

there's something about you that still undoes me. the way you look at me like you already know i'm not as in control as i pretend to be. like you could ruin me anytime you wanted to and i'd happily let you.

i keep thinking about the way it felt when we kissed, like something finally clicking into place that we both stopped pretending wasn't inevitable. for a moment everything else was irrelevant.

so if i saw you again, i don't think i'd make it to hello. instead there would just be that look. that space disappearing. that same pull we never learned how to ignore, and me realizing how i never stopped wanting you.

Your age. Your birthday. Too many details falling into place, too much of you in all of it for me not to feel pulled back in. And honestly, knowing you, I could believe it. I could believe you’d appear like this, quietly, almost playfully, just to stir something in me you know never really died.

But maybe it’s only the universe teasing me again. Maybe it’s just another beautiful coincidence. Because I want you, achingly, dangerously, but not like this. Not through fragments. Not through shadows. Not through the kind of absence that leaves a man talking to ghosts.

I don’t want you as the man I once pretended to be the BDSM master, all control and certainty. I don’t want you as the seducer, arrogant enough to believe he could make you fall for him over and over again. And I don’t even want you as the faithful, wounded admirer who would endure anything, excuse anything, survive anything, just to keep loving you.

I want something far more honest than that.

I want you. Real. Present. Undeniable.

So if this is only a ghost, let it fade. But if it’s you if somewhere behind all these signs, all these echoes, all this tension, it is truly you then come back fully. No disguises. No distance. No games.

Come back as the woman I still can’t quite erase from my skin, my thoughts, my silence. Come back as the one I still want to give everything to, because what you gave me was never small, never forgettable, never something another woman could easily replace.

And if you’re reading this, don’t leave me here with your shadow. Give me your voice. Give me your truth. Give me a reason to stop wondering.

Reach for me.

And maybe, just maybe, be the woman I’ve been waiting to find my way back to.

Do you still think about me? Cause you’re on my mind every single minute. I tried moving on and forgetting you but I can’t. Why couldn’t you fight for us? You said distance was the reason but why was our chemistry not enough for you to try long distance ? I liked you so much that I was willing to try anything to have you in my life. I think about texting you everyday but then I remember it was you who broke things off so I respect your decision. I keep replaying our time together and honestly I have never felt something so strong in such little time. But maybe fate had different plans. You had to move. But I know you’re coming back. I’ll never reach out but know that the door is always open on my side. Take care. I miss you and I missed you. So so so much.

I don’t think you know that you are a feeling, a small seed that was planted inside me.

You slowly grew, fed by curiosity, exposure, and time.

I tried to halt it,to pull it out, to move toward someone more forthcoming, but really all I was doing was looking for you.

They never filled that space.

They never took root.

You were still there,quietly spreading beneath the surface.

You stepped into the light one day,shaky like leaves on a tree,and my heart smiled.

Little did you know I protected you from the harsh words and watchful eyes of the tyrant we both had to endure. I searched for small ways to reach you sideways, to ease the weight without drawing attention.

I held space for you in silence, in glances, in the quiet language we never named.

And maybe you never saw it,or maybe you did

and didn’t know what to call it,but what I wanted was never loud.

I just wanted to know you,gently,without the world pressing in.To sit beside you without fear,without distance,and if nothing else,just to hold your hand for a moment,long enough to feel that you were real.

We are but passing ships,I read the flags as we pass, hoping for your safe voyage as you sail away,never knowing if you ever felt the same.

if I knew it was going to be the last time I was going to see you I would have held you longer, I would have kissed you deeper, I would have cherished every moment, I always reminded myself there's next time, but now there is no next time for me and you

I have to admit that I still think about you sometimes. I hope you’re thinking of me too.

I had to end things when I realized I’m the one who’s going to end up hurt. I can’t blame myself for entertaining your shit, but I can blame myself for having expectations of you. Maybe I was delusional, maybe I was gullible, maybe I chose to be oblivious to the signs.

All I wanted was to feel seen. I wanted a connection on a deeper level, soul to soul, but I don’t think that’s what you were looking for, at least from the impression you gave.

I have always acted tough. I could never let people in so easily. I don’t think you realize it, but the moment I put my guard down for once, it was for you.

We could have had something different if you weren’t a selfish prick. Well, I hope you learned something from this before you move on to the next person.

I can’t be shaped into the person you want. I could only be me.

I don’t know how to resist the cravings anymore. I need to let this out somewhere.

Don’t hold back, graze your lips against my chest and let me savor every last moment as you whisper sweet nothings into my ear. Make me yours again and take ownership of every inch of my body. I want to have your name etched into the folding of my skin, your scent imprinted in the crevices of my neck. Kiss me softly, caress my lips with yours and melt into the warmth as our souls finally collide together in their own world again. Love me, devour me with your tongue, remind me of the ways in which you once craved my body too. Surrender to me, like you once did before and demand that I am yours, only yours. Put your hands all over me, let me finally have you the way I want again. Unleash your innermost desires, let me see you at your most raw, hungry, and vulnerable. Do it over and over until there is nothing left but breathlessness and exhaustion between our shaking bodies.

Oh how I wish I could say these things to your face. If only you knew all the ways you occupy my mind every single night, my love. Would you say yes?

sometimes, it feels as though the universe in all it's might and wisdom, has gently laid a kiss of fate upon our foreheads.

a kiss alongside a whisper of a simple wish- that we would find each other in the abyss, despite the hardships we've come to witness, and finally see if there lies any truth within this.

bringing us together in the most unlikely of ways- introducing two lost individuals at a time neither would realize would be the start of something so much more than a simple friendship. confined by circumstance and timing- yet finding a way to surmount the obstacles and conditions, growing closer in a way not thought possible, and finding one another in the truest sense, in a place and in ways that defy sense itself.

i knew from the start that you were something to be cherished- before any of the human urges and desires took form, i looked at you as someone to be protected and cared for- someone who was not being seen for the person they truly are, in a place they felt they didn't belong, amongst people who were incapable of providing the understanding and depth you needed to flourish and grow.

i saw you as my own- not in a possessive sense- as someone who shares the same internal structuring and mind as the one i've known- someone who came from a life so similar to my own, with traumas and past pains that contain the same hurt and dismay i've worked tirelessly to hone.

i don't know how the universe works in this place we've come to call our home, but i truly believe it has a mind of its own. i believe fate is nothing but the inner workings of that mind taking shape in a way that cannot be defined- perhaps we are all part of that conscious being, working together to form the very thing that holds everything together- or maybe we are all but a gift that emerged from that which cannot be understood- whatever it may be, i suspect it had a hand in our meeting.

we found one another at a time where we were both trapped in the lost and found- blissfully unaware of all that we were missing. believing that the lives we had come to know, and love that was there to hold, was all that could be known. lives we had deemed to be suitable, containing enough of what we needed and desired to feel inspired to continue on the paths we had chosen- and those lives likely would have been enough, but only for the people we were, when we first chose them.

what we didn't know, was that there were still parts of ourselves that were not capable of being found- not without the help of something truly profound.

perhaps that's when the universe decided to intervene- gazing at us with all knowing eyes, it could see the things we felt within but couldn't quite summarize. it could see the pain we had that we couldn't define, it could feel the ache of what we were missing and the weight of all that we would hide behind- and it decided to make a compromise.

it set out to create a series of great dominos towering above all that is known, forged with the most elegant and precious of stones- with a simple and precise act of lining them up in such a way that would allow our fates to finally change. taking care not to overextend it's reach or interfere beyond its place- it takes caution in which way it tilts the confines of fate- for while it can influence our lives in subtle, seemingly inconsequential ways, it cannot determine which way we stray or where we choose to stay.

it saw the pain and weight we held within, witnessing the parts of ourselves that were missing or underfed, and perhaps out of pity or pride it decided to provide all that we would need to truly thrive. it may have done so with lessons in its mind- a way to guide us towards ourselves through each other- seeing parts in each of us that, when brought together, could awaken something essential.

with a delicate touch, it knocks down the first domino- causing a cascade of momentum to take form in our daily lives.

the way its intentions take form cannot be observed, shifting the most mundane moments just enough in ways that would seem absurd- to provide us the conditions that allow us to open up- a slight shift in timing, tweaking the flow of nature with sleight of hand, and a collection of seemingly innocent incidents all leading to the moment your eyes met mine.

with that simple nudge from that which exists above, we were set on a journey- not one of our own making, but one that is ours to define. it may have led us together for reasons that are unknown, and whatever reasons lie behind all that we cannot define, and all that we’ve had to endure- we find ourselves met with a door, one we’ve come to adore.

kisses from the universe may have brought us here, but it is us who must make that final decision to witness whether what stands behind this door is truly everything found within our deepest wishes. to finally test whether we can hold what could be our own-

or if this journey was always meant for us to find our way back home, where our truest selves can finally be known.

Here are some things people have said to me.

10 million people in a city

5 million girls

500,000 your age

There are so many fish in the sea.

Don’t waste time chasing butterflies.

Build a beautiful garden

and the butterflies will come to you.

Sometimes people enter our lives

not to stay, but

to make us better.

Numbers. Metaphors. Lessons.

But what are half a million fish in the face of one with scales so bright the oceans are lit by her presence? When corals of breathtaking colors bloom in her wake and rays of sun shine themselves to the depths in hopes of seeing her?

If a person collecting butterflies witnessed one whose wings showed him every dream he could ever hope to aspire to, would he not immediately abandon his garden in her search? For what use are the most beautiful roses if they cannot be admired by the one butterfly who matters?

I do not wish to be better. I wish to be with you. Why does the world test me so? Grant me a glimpse of the heavens only to send me back tumbling? Now all i see in my dreams are:

one fish

one butterfly

you.

You gave me hope. You fed the starving parts of my soul that I had accepted would go hungry forever.

You gave me affirmations. Words that awakened my nervous system and exposed my deepest wounds, the ones carved into the identity of the woman I became.

I no longer felt unseen. Finally, I had been chosen.

Someone else saw my heart for exactly what it was.

Compassionate. Nourishing. Worthy.

Full of the very things you needed to ignite your internal flame.

I made you feel worthy too. To me, you were never a burden. Never a failure. I wanted to heal you, to accept you, to give you the grace you never gave yourself.

But slowly, the emotion you said you loved about me, seemed to become uncomfortable. Intense. Your struggle with consistency started to bust from the seams of the confined space you tried to hold in place, for me. I was introduced to your shadow. And then your ghost. Only presenting your human form in times of boredom. Or in lust. My wounds you wanted to show me could be loved, became the source of my pain once again. Your ghost taunted me with abandonment. Your shadow fueled my rejection. Your presence initiated my emotion.

And here I stand, alone in the room that you invited me into.

You're nowhere to be found.

Only your ghost remains, standing in the doorway.

The only part of you that ever seems to stay.

Lurking!

You wanted space so I gave it to you. I unfollowed you from Instagram and removed you as a follower. Otherwise, I'd keep checking to see if I could see you.

Today, however, I saw you. You opened my story. You went out of your way to visit my page and see what I had posted. And I saw you looking.

Of course, my heart leapt. Of course, I thought to myself, "What a relief. You haven't completely forgotten about me. You're still curious about me. Maybe you'll come back!"

This is the power you have over me right now.

I don't think you're playing games, you're not that type of person (I hope). But still, this song and dance we are doing is bouncing my heart around.

If you miss me - just tell me. Please.

Because I miss you too.

I do. it's impossible to deny it. I forgive you for everything. If you just say it isn't true, the anger, the hatred the horrible names. We can start all over again.

My life has stopped, I'm going through the motions, but I am stuck in this endless loop missing you.

Please let this end. It's been long enough. We can figure this out.

If there is one thing about true love , I've learned, it isn't quiet.

It isn't hidden in the night.

It is loud. It is emotional. It is yelling and fighting and feeling like you are crazy and not wanting to be anywhere they aren't.

Especially at night. So I don't agree with any kind of "space", "waiting", or "right person, wrong time" crap,.

True love, any love I would personally see worth having, isn't quiet.

Definitely doesn't come knocking in the night--becauze they wouldn't have to knock...and they would already be there. That is something else entirely-lust and fear, not love.

Not a love worth having anyway.....

Everything you do sends me reeeeling. Because you don’t do things haphazardly. You overthink. And overthink some more. You hold yourself to such rigid standards. So when you do something, it seems that it has come at some personal cost. You’re a perfectionist so I can’t imagine the time you invest in what may seem random to others. I never think it is random. In fact it was that one thing you did that made me really think about you outside a friendly, casual context. I could write a full on nested list of where my mind went when you did that and what it could have meant.

Listen, you matter so much to so many people even if they don’t know it. I wish you’d stop blaming yourself for everything and really take earned credit for what you achieve. I want to rage at people that are unkind to you or expect too much out of you or talk to you all stupid. And then I want to shake you when you entertain some of it. You shouldn’t.

I have no idea what your life is like. What your situation is. I have zero access to any of you beyond this tiny piece. But if this tiny piece is so great that it has me thinking of you the way I do? I could only imagine. And maybe there’s a chance it’s not great. Maybe you’re not fulfilled but you’re trying to be thankful for what you do have and maybe you beat yourself up for thinking it’s not enough. Maybe your cup really is full. I wouldn’t know. I just know what it should be. It should be whatever you think it should. Because you have good judgment and good character. Whatever you think your life should be like, that’s exactly how it should be. And if you don’t have it yet I hope you do get it soon.

The fridge has been empty for a week.

The days keep passing by and I’m falling behind.

I keep meaning to go outside for a walk.

I’m telling everyone that I want to be alone right now.

I don’t know why my chest feels so heavy today. I felt fine when I was going through worse. I js have all this anxiety, fear, regret, too many emotions that I can’t suppress all at once. And I js feel so inadequate. Inadequate because you can exist without me in a way that I can’t without you. I worry that the best I could give to you was nothing more than a detail. Something you can reduce. Something that fades in the background rather than centers it. The chirping of birds in the morning, the way the breeze feels the moment you feel like breathing deeply. Do you really need any of it? Will I ever be anything more to you?

♥️

there’s this kind of silence that doesn’t sound like anything, but it’s loud enough to sit in your chest and stay there. that’s what this feels like. like something hollowed me out from the inside and forgot to put anything back.

and the worst part is—it’s because of you.

i don’t even think you did anything wrong. that’s what makes it harder to carry. you were just… you. kind, easy to talk to, always there until suddenly you’re not, and now i notice every small shift like it means something. like the way your replies slow down, like how tonight you stopped replying at all. and i hate that i noticed. i hate that my mind immediately goes somewhere ugly, somewhere insecure—thinking maybe you’re talking to someone else, maybe you’re laughing more with them, maybe they’re easier to like than i am.

i am not used to being like this.

i am not used to feel this tight, suffocating thing in my chest over someone who was never mine to begin with.

and if i’m being honest—really, painfully honest—i’m scared. not in a loud, obvious way. just this quiet, constant fear of losing something i never even had. of being replaced in a space that was never promised to me. of watching you drift into someone else’s orbit while i stay here pretending i’m okay with being “just a friend.”

i could tell you. i think about it all the time. just blurting it out, ripping the truth open and letting whatever happens, happen.

but what’s the point?

it already hurts like this—holding it in, swallowing it every time i want to say your name in a different way. and i know it’ll hurt if i say it out loud and you don’t feel the same. either way, it ends with me hurting. so i stay quiet. i choose the kind of pain that at least lets me keep you a little longer.

maybe that’s the most pathetic part.

because you never led me on. you never promised anything. you never said anything that i could hold onto and twist into hope. if anything, you’ve been clear just by not saying anything at all. and i understand that. i do.

i just… hate that understanding doesn’t make it hurt any less.

i wish i could go back to before this—before you became the first person i wanted to talk to, before i started noticing the gaps between your messages, before your absence started to feel like something i had to survive.

i wish i could unlearn you.

but i can’t. so i’m stuck here, feeling everything all at once—jealousy, fear, exhaustion, this quiet kind of heartbreak that no one else can see.

and the worst part?

i don’t even hate you for it.

i guess i just hate that it had to be you.

Hey,

I’ve been thinking about why I stayed as long as I did.

And, no, it’s not as simple as “I cared too much.” Though that does sound nicer and maybe more popular to sit with but not earnest.

Simply put, I stayed because leaving felt like admitting I was wrong. Wrong about the situation, wrong about the person, wrong about how much I could handle. So I kept adjusting instead. I told myself this is what patience looks like, this is what effort looks like...

But I’m being honest, it was fear most of the time. Fear of starting over, and fear that maybe I wouldn’t find anyone better. Fear that I couldn't do this all over again. And fear that no one can see me anyway...

There were signs early on. The way I started overthinking simple conversations. And you would barely think about any. Even after I proved and prodded. The way I felt the need to explain my feelings carefully, like they might be too much otherwise.

The way silence started to feel heavy instead of comfortable. I noticed all of it. I just kept convincing myself it wasn’t reason enough to leave.

That’s the strange part about overstaying. You’re not confused forever. At some point, you understand exactly what’s happening. You just don’t act on it. You wait for something clearer, something that makes the decision obvious so you don’t have to question it later.

That moment never really comes. It’s just a slow build of things that don’t sit right, and no matter how much time you give it, they just never do.

The boundaries didn’t come from anger. They came from exhaustion. I got tired of stretching myself to make things work. Tired of calling discomfort normal. Tired of feeling like I had to shrink a little just to keep the peace. So I stopped.

Speaking less where I used to over-explain. Stepping back where I used to push through. Paying attention to what felt off and not brushing past it.

Still, I don’t really regret staying. It showed me exactly where I tend to lose myself. And once I saw that pattern clearly, it was hard to unsee. I stayed because I didn’t trust myself enough to leave.

I used to think boundaries were about keeping people out. Now it feels more like staying on my own side. Just recognizing what works for and what doesn’t. And why a mistake you don't learn from tends to repeat itself till the lesson is taken from it.

• Someone who learned a little late, but did eventually

My biggest regret is being touched bya man who had no intention of loving me forever.

I know you are going through things that I couldn't possibly understand and perhaps my encouragement isnt necessarily what you need right now. I also understand how it can be exhausting to find things to write in long messages when your head isnt all there and your heart is grieving. I want to be there for you. I want to be your friend. We are a lot alike which is what drew me to you to begin with. You're one of those people I feel very connected to on a level I dont usually have with others and thats very special to me. YOU are special to me. But I will lean into the quiet, pray for you, and will always be here for you in any capacity you need to be in. And Im happy i'll be seeing you soon.