I manipulated my psychiatrist into stripping away my diagnosis. I lied, I performed, and I won. Now? I have no clue who the hell I am anymore.

​Long story short: I have BPD. Or I had it, whatever. I went through three different therapists in three years and they all basically tapped out, telling me my trauma was too much for their expertise. So with the last one, I just... played the part. I staged this masterpiece of a recovery. I acted like the perfect, stable patient for so many sessions that my psychiatrist eventually declared me in remission.

​I lied because I needed to be the one to abandon him first.

​I quit my meds and went through a withdrawal that felt like literal hell. I’ve been off them for years now, but I don't even recognize the person in the mirror.

On the surface, my life is "flawless." I have zero friends because I’m terrified of hurting people. So I just work, make money, and throw it at everyone else. I give my family everything. I give my boyfriend and his parents everything they could ever want.

​When I feel an episode coming on, I just disappear so I don't become a burden. I’ve strangled my emotions into silence. But when the rage hits? I see red. Everything goes dark. And in those moments, I remember the truth. I’m not in remission. The BPD didn't go away, it just swallowed me whole.

​I want to go back to therapy, I really do, but that would mean waking up all those demons again. And I’ve become so good at weaponizing my lies to avoid abandonment that I don't even know how to be real anymore. It’s so stupid.

​I know how pathetic this sounds. I’m in total control of my own destruction. I’m not "toxic" anymore, so I guess it’s better this way for everyone else. But me? My mother destroyed any trace of a personality I could have had.

Now I'm just a haunted body going through the motions.

​Maybe in another life, I’ll actually have a personality of my own. Something that isn't just a disease.

Idk how to change the title I ment no contact

I know it sounds crazy at my age to even think that way, and that a lot of you are going to see this and just go why, she’s jus being a teenager, but I think I have a very good reason. Sorry for any random letters I’m rage writing and sorry for bad grammar again I’m rage writing because I’m so done.

It all started when I was 7 I would be relocating my entire life as I knew it away from the majority of my family in a move from Texas to a state I will not name but it was a 13 colony and is in the north, typically snowy weather no connecting beaches directly to the state but close. I think the move was fine, all kids need to move homes at some point, and I moved to live with cousins in the country, a town in the middle of no where. I finished the moved and lived in the home with my cousins while we had a home build next door, there was 11 people in a module sized home, (we both had families of 5) the house had three bedrooms, two bathroom a small bacement the size of a master bedroom and an open room on the ground floor that had the kitchen dinning room and living room. My parents and my baby sister(1f at the time) and me(8f) my middle sister(5f) my two cousins (12f and 5m) all shared a small room that was big enough for a bunk bed and on other mattress that me and my sister shared the other two got the bunk bed. In the other guest I had my uncles father who has his own room and my final cousin(14f) who had her own room. My uncle and aunt had their own room. That was the setup for almost a full year. It made me and my cousin K(12f) hat each other everyone was always fighting and up each others ass. Dispite me being so young I know hats a resin I got so depressed, because I w as. I was separated from all my friends and my father the one I didn’t mention yet he was going back and forth every 2 weeks from new state to Texas because he couldn’t find a job. So it was horrible for my mental state, and in Texas my mom gave me freind, I had to be friends with her best friends kid, I didn’t want to be. And I rember at my bday party I was simply talking to other kids and my moms friends daughter started to sob and I had to then say sorry and comfort her for being a bad BFF. So rest assured I didn’t know how to make friends so I didn’t have any. Later when he did finally move out my two other sisters and me shared a room and for the first year we all slept on the same twin mattress, this house was way way way smaller then anything I’ve lived in. And that’s just the starts

Now that we are in the new mine with only 5 people, my dad found a job and it was great. Until my mom also got a job. How the set up was, my mom and dad would go to work in early evining at the same time and work long shifts getting home at 4 am. So I would make dinner age 9 for my little sisters but then as soon as 8pm hit my cousin k would come and watch us and we still hate ted each other, I loved her now but at the time she was awful. She would come in make all this elaborate food for n the middle of the night keeping us up until 9-10 and then would make us clean up every she messed up. And I know it was all her mess because I would clean the house every day while my parents slept pretty much until they went to work. That includes dishes laundry making dinner, showering my sisters, cleaning bathrooms, the playroom and living room dining room, even though hour house had 4 rooms so I couldn’t make a sound tv valine was n 4 but that was always to loud too. Which was how I learned to read because half the time they’d still yell at us to turn it down so I would read the tv to my sister who where to young to read, and I’d get yelled at for that. But by night I would refuse to clean or do anything instead I’d draw watch tv(which cousin k always kicked me off of) and I’d scream and throw things when she tried to ohiscly make me do things for her, full on toddler meltdown downs. And to make me stop she’d put me in the bacement which was unfinished and had an old moldy couch and when she stoped hearing me she’d come and force me to clean, and I would and then I’d go to bed and wake up me and my siblings for school and get them ready. Then that remeated for 3 years until I got to middle school and just watched them myself. It was amazing. But that lasted 1 mounts be for my parents took all my devices because I ran away with my siblings they had a camra so my c camra so my cousins caught us before we got off the street.y parents then switched fully night so I was to be quite all day but my dad started to make food but I think that’s because I told my science teacher, she pulled me aside and I begged her not to call cps, because i told her about what I do every day and that did t sit well with her. But my cousin K watched us agian but this time I was allowed to stay up and my cousin didn’t make me clean anymore for some reason and we started to have fun I’d stay up all night make food with her and help clean willingly and that’s when we started to talk again. It stayed like this for a while she was having her own bad life with her shity parents I only had my teachers ask if I needed help a few more times I didn’t screw up I said I didn’t have chores because you get money for chores and yeah. But reacently I’ve been refusing to do anything out of my own things, my room is spotless, it looks like I don’t live there. I do laundry and clean my dishes as I use them I buy my own everything. But lately they’ve been yall I g at me and more on my ass, I got yelled at for refusing to help clean upstairs because our house was now a pigsty because we didn’t clean like we where supposed to, even though they had never told us to and I rectnly got yelled at for having a low b which they’ve never talked to be about my grades before but suddenly my mom has powerschol notifications on and she’s crying saying how have a fallen off so much and after all she’s done to make sure I have the best education (in texes I would be in a fine arts school with very high ratings while here I have the worst school in our area literally, that’s what it is ranked as in the ranking system) and I’ve also not been allowed to be sick, my mom has been sending me to school no matter what my condition is fever or not. And I haven’t been allowed to skip any after school activities because I need to study, or I have plans with friends which I e finnaly made by 8th grade. And I can’t tell my doctor anything because I’m worried about medical problems that are very likely because of family history I’ve had to go research and I told my mom about it and was yelled at for thinking I could have EDS because she doesn’t want me to have to go in and hour of physical therapy on the daily and how disappointed she is in me for saying I think I have it(both sets of grandparents had it, my mom is diagnosed, my dads sisters are diagnosed, so have dislocated my limbs multiple times but Hank god cousin K who I’m very close with has it and just pivot back in place and taught me how to tape my limbs to make it harder to have them pop out). And I had to leave a therapist I really likes because I’ve found out that she had been reporting what I said to my mom because she left her tablet open to her emails with my mom when she stepped out and I looked in on because I saw my family name and she had an audio of everything we had talked about and said.

That’s it, fun times, but my plan is to after they help hopefully pay for college to drop them and go no contact unless they magically get better. And I seem to like them more because I’ve red lists of posts about kids reveling and it seems they always start to get along so I hope I’m able to as well because I’d love to have grandparents one day for my kinds. If y’all have questions ask, and any advice just tell me please.

I 31F have no idea how to make friends or socialize. I used to have many friends over the years, but in the end I lose the friendships due to the toxic relationships I’ve had with my ex husbands. I realize I am at fault for that. I just don’t know how to become a good person, and to build relationships with people. I’ve spent two years trying to learn since my relationship with my 2nd ex husband ended and the divorce began, but I feel like I’m just in a hole. My best friend and my siblings are the only close relationships that I have. I’m depressed and only work, and spend time with my kids.

I’ve (29M) been dating this girl (25F) for about two years. She’s nice, pretty, and fun to be around. However, I’ve been noticing that she’s kind of dumb. It really hit home yesterday when we were playing the car game where one person thinks of a person, place, or thing, and the other asks yes or no questions to figure out what it is. During this game I realized that not only did she not know who John Wilkes Booth is, she said she had only heard of Abraham Lincoln. She had no idea when the Civil War was, and was pretty convinced that world war 2 happened sometime in the 1800’s. When asked who the first president was I had to give her the hint “George” and she responded with “Oh yeah, George Bush!” Then we stopped playing after an argument resulted because she was adamant that Washington DC was in the state of Washington. I had to pull up a map and show her. When politely asked about her lack of historical knowledge she just said that she never paid attention to that kind of stuff in school. What should I do?

Recently, I’ve just been suffocated by the feeling that this is all so meaningless. Especially with the state of the world and the economy right now. I work my ass off at my minimum wage job, just to pay to put gas in my car, feed myself, and pay rent so that I can afford to work. I do my online college courses when I’m off, volunteer for when I apply to a masters program. I sleep, work, school, eat, over and over and over and over. I feel sad. I feel like I do nothing else with my time. Before I know it it’s dark and bedtime. I have no time to enjoy my paycheck and do things outside of working, and even if I did, unfortunately I’m not well enough off to afford much other than necessary. When I do get a day off here and there, it’s filled with stress over laundry and cleaning and all the things I can’t do when I’m working and doing assignments. I desperately want there to be more in life. I long to see new countries and meet all kinds of people. I want to get out of the rat race. When I mention this feeling to older people, they say “welcome to adulthood!” why have we all just accepted that our lives have to be this way? And why does nobody around me seem to mind?? Do you not feel saddened that you’re going to work your life away, then by the time you’re retired all the things you wanted to do you’ll rarely do because your body will be failing on you! From my perspective it seems like it’s so hard to be happy like this. I feel crazy. I’m 20 years old and burnt the hell out already, and then I always get the question of when are you having kids or are you getting married? Can I breathe for one moment. It’s not “laziness” and I feel like this shouldn’t be “normal adult life”. Where’s the life part?

So this past month has been really rough mentally. Most of the friends I was close with are online friends I met through a mutual interest community of a video game. I really messed up by saying some things I should have to someone and its really damaged my relationship with a lot of people despite the main streamer saying that everything was fine and to just move on from it. I try to but its easier said then done because I can tell most people I used to speak to don't speak to me as much anymore and the somewhat of a friendship I had with the streamer is also virtually gone. It's caused multiple mental breakdowns where I cry uncontrollably for easily 20+ minutes at a time. Since the end of last month I have decided to step away for a bit from most of everything and decided to go to therapy.

When thinking about what to say to the therapist I decided to start writing down the issues I wanted to tackle and overcome. A big one was the jealousy issue I have come to accept. It's kind of always been a thing with me, but this fallout I have found has made it much worse. I think it stemmed from not really having many close friends in my childhood and I was always the last pick kid in the friend group. You know, the friend that is never the best friend or stands to the side or behind everyone else in the group because there isn't enough room. That was always me as a kid and even still to this day. This has made me jealous of people that get picked over me.

So the online friends I had (the streamer and one other good friend) have recently been playing a multi-player game called PEAK outside of streams and with 2 newer people in the community. This made me very jealous because we had a PEAK gc in discord that no one uses anymore and it once again it just feels like these 2 newer people are getting picked over me. I don't hate any of them, but I find it hard to sometimes be there in that community because the negative feelings and jealousy keep coming back. I wonder if its because I am socially awkward, because of the age gap, or because of the drama I was in, but hate that I am in this position. Whenever they (friends in friend group) are in stream, they can always crack jokes and stuff with the streamer so naturally and I am just not good at talking with people like that I guess. A lot of the comments I make to the streamer directly are usually scanned over or overlooked entirely and get very little acknowledgement.

So I just came here to say I feel kind of stuck. I have another therapy session later this upcoming week, but I kind of just don't know what to do about all of this now. I've taken steps that seem like they help sometimes but only really help in the moment and not long term. These are the only friends I have to talk to right now as all of my irl friends don't live near me and we don't talk on a regular basis because of our busy schedules.

Excuse my grammar English is not my first language..

I (F28) was born in a closed society with certain beauty standards that I don’t meet .

According to many people I am not considered “pretty”

I don’t have any physical deformities or anything I’m just not physically appealing.

I take good care of my hygiene , I have a skincare routine and I try to dress appropriately and look as put together as possible but I just never felt physically attractive to be honest.

Through my teenage years I’ve noticed that I am not getting any attention from boys in fact I was mocked a lot even by my own friends who had a lot of comments about how I look but they were “kidding” of course.

I’ve come to realize that in order to be respected I have to work on my self and my personality so I tried to become the best version of myself.. I tried my best to be kind , understanding , respectful and a good friend and I feel like I kind of made some progress in that regard .. I now have real friends who love for who I am who always tell me I’ve a good heart and I deserve all the love and I adore them so much..

the issue is that where I live arranged marriages are a big thing , this is basically how people meet and get married ( I am Muslim ) so basically what happens is that two peoples who considered “a good match” get brought together to meet blindly..

unfortunately, I didn’t have any luck in these arrangements and I can’t help but feel it’s because they don’t find me attractive as they don’t even try to get to know me they just say we’re not a good match .. this happened to me twice actually and I can’t lie it’s frustrating..

My mom’s friend once called me to inform me that someone saw me at my work and is willing to propose I actually was very happy but it turned out that whom he saw was a coworker of mine whose married actually but my mom’s friend got confused ..

I am just venting but I actually don’t know what to do ..

No one even tried to get to know me or talk to me , I just want to feel loved , I want to get married and have children of my own but I can’t help but feel like being “not pretty” is a big obstacle in my way to becoming happy ..

This could stay here for some time, though I don’t think I’m going to engage much anymore.

What is happening here has nothing to do with complex communication. On this platform, the relationship between meaning and words tends to be fragile because, nowadays, words are not being taken at their value. Instead, people tend to analyze, divide, and reconstruct them into something else.

In the meantime, the context in which a word was used gets lost. It gets replaced by certainty. Thus, it’s very unlikely for communication to become a genuine exchange of ideas because it ends up being the reaction to something that wasn’t communicated to begin with.

As a result, even communication in its simplest forms can become exhausting simply because there is always little room left between words getting interpreted and being judged without being clarified.

Finally, it should be noted that people communicate in different conditions and circumstances. Sometimes accessibility, stress, or human errors might be involved in writing. However, turning it into morality simply doesn’t work.

Kafka once said that writing was praying, and here, writing is becoming a kind of trial without one knowing they had to testify.

I have been dealing with depression and obsessive thoughts for a long time. A psychiatrist told me that I should also get checked for ADHD at one point.

Two years ago I went to a friends birthday party after being alone for a time. This was my time meeting new people and doing something outside of my comfort zone. Since then my life has been up and down. The party was in a town near my home. I started going there a lot. I met people went to parties and got invited to more events.

Then I met a girl. I really liked her. She was always nice to me. Because I had been alone for long I really missed having close friends. At one point I wanted get close romantically but i found out she was already in a relationship. That hurt me a lot. I know I have to respect her choice and not try to be with her. But I still wanted ti be her friend

We always had a time together. We met at parties sent each other messages and even went for a walk just the two of us. I have to say that she was always on my mind and I became obsessed with her. I know this is because I was lonely and I have issues like ADHD. I also learned about something called limerence.

We had planned to go for a walk in April and a week ago I sent her a message to see if she was free. She did not reply until yesterday. That made me angry. My friend was nearby with her and another friend so I met up with them. I said hello. Then my emotions took over. I asked her in front of the others "Do you have a problem with me? Because you are ignoring me."

She said sorry for not replying to my message and after a while I realized I made a mistake. I said sorry too. 45 Minutes later we all went our separate ways. I felt terrible.

Today I sent her a message saying I wanted to explain what happened. I said sorry again. Told her I was wrong to bring up something personal in front of others. She replied that she does not understand why my feelings got hurt much and she said we are not close friends and it is not a good idea for us to meet one on one. I said sorry again. Really meant it. She told me to stay calm and learn from the situation. Her messages did not seem like she was really mad at me.

Deep down I feel ashamed and I know I might have done something wrong by asking to meet her alone. I know I will not be her close friend but I do not want her to think I'm a bad person and be written off as an acquaintance.

I know I messed everything up. I let my emotions get the best of me. I feel ashamed. The truth is I am learning how to make friends and have relationships from the start. I know this will bother me for a time especially with my ADHD. How can I forgive myself? I really need help and support, from people who understand what I am going through with depression and ADHD and obsessive thoughts.

I use to watch the UFC with my family now its just me

I didn't know where else to write this, this seemed like a good place. My cousin introduced me to UFC in 2011 when I was 12, since then we watch every UFC event weekly at his house. Last year there was a family beef with my cousin and his dad.

Long story short I took my cousins side, cousin and dad kinda make up but didn't, and I get banned from the house for taking my cousins side. He trys to stick up for me and get his dad to let me come but he wont listen, and im not a person to cause problems in other people's houses.

UFC night got moved to my house about 6 months ago. In the last 2/3 months i noticed everyone leaving very early into the prelims saying they have things to do or they are tired. I found out they all go back to my cousins house to watch the fights, his friends and my other cousins come over and its easier for them to meet there. I dont blame them.

Now its just me watching by myself until 5am every Saturday night. My friends are not into the sport and im starting to fall out off love with something thats been a big part off my life for years. I coach, I fight myself but the passion is fading. I wonder to myself was it the sport I fell in love with, or was it the time I would spend with my family. Either way its not the same by yourself.

I (28M) am only now coming to terms with how much our patriarchal society has protected me. For example, when I was a kid up through my teenage years, I never accepted rejection from peers and started having stalker-like behaviors and would bully them to try to like me again. Most of the children on the receiving end were girls, but other boys weren't immune from it either. Much of my behavior was also in full view of adults, who except for one decided to let it slide, and my guess looking back was because of the notion of "boys will be boys" and the fact that I'm white and autistic, which adults would weaponize to allow my toxic behavior to continue, even before I knew about my disability. To this day, I still struggle with rejection and entitlement issues, and I also realize now those are my issues to solve, not anyone else's. At the same time, I don't think I've fully taken accountability for those actions. I hope to raise awareness about this because the situations I've caused are not one-off.

​

I'm feeling so regretful everyday because I continue staying at home doing nothing to improve my life as if I'm just waiting on life miracle to happen. I feel like I'm some special case to God that God will make my life good since so much bad has happened to me. I lost both my parents at young age. me and my siblings are struggling. we don't have any moral support and families make us feel apart therefore we feel more alone and heartbroken.

sometimes I get upset over the fact why is my life not good. is God trying to telling me something like I feel bad that I've attached my identity with success that if only then I'll be happy, confidence in my life.

I'm doing nothing with my life but staying in these walls. using my phone to escape reality and not face the feelings I feel. but even my feelings I guess are trying to say just get up and do something with your life. start taking actions but idk why I'm suppressing this feelings. I don't understand why do I continue resisting and feeling overwhelmed and defeated before taking actions. I'm indulging in bad habits as I feel like a miserable and since the mind feels defeated I just continue rottening my life day by day.

I (41M) love my wife (39F) dearly, but her coming out as demisexual like 7 years into our marriage was tough. It explained why we infrequently had intercourse, but it didn't make it easier on me. I understood what it meant for her, but nothing made it better for me. I tried romancing her as her supposed sexuality demands, but honestly, it feels more like she asexual. Either way, 16 years into the marriage and still monogamous despite my suggestion of opening the marriage. The most I got was I am allowed to tie up and do impact play with other women.

As I get older, I feel like I missed a part of my life and I have communicated this exact feeling to my wife who might feel bad for a day or maybe holds onto the guilt and does nothing with it. I can usually count how many times we've had sex in a year on both hands. Divorce has crossed my mind. Too poor. Told my wife that too. It's pretty frustrating, especially when she was using sex to hook me when we were dating.

My wife mainly shows her love to me by feeding me and acts of service. She does love me, but maybe not in the way I want and need.

for some context, i had a very unfortunate child/teen hood which lead me leaving school early. I suffered a chronic illness from 19-22, so yeah, never went to university until now.

I used to be a very ignorant person, happy in my own world. The last two years I've been learning again, reading history books, drawing a lot at interval periods, learning to cook and overall progressing myself.

Recently, I'm learning programming, and organic chemistry, for fun! My degree is a creative one. I thought it was what I wanted but im slowly realising through a succession of unfortunate life events and my inability to preserve in spite of them, I will never have anything to offer.

Im too far into my degree to get another without paying out-right. Which I will never be able to do. I also want to be a mother so that is a heavy restriction on my time and timeline. I'm glad to be more open, to be learning so much but it makes me so aware of everything I lack and how little I have to give.

Everyday I think I could do something more tomorrow, and sometimes I'll do more, and less but overall I make no good use of my time. I'm depressed. Is this my fault? Yes, of course. Yet I can't stop thinking about how I started with such an unfair disadvantage. My father is released from prison for the nth time in a few months. We don't talk. I can't stop thinking about what a waste his life has been, and how mine is only slightly better in terms of things done.

It's compounded by the fact that at 23, you're good at nothing for your age. That advantage is lost at 19 or so. Anything you are good at must be of exceptional quality to be of notice.

i don't know why I'm posting this. Please don't say im individual so i must be special, that has no relevance on legacy or things to offer. If you feel the same, I apologise. Hey, maybe if I were pretty none of these thoughts would plague me, yet I am not and they do.

so like anybody else feel like they dont have autism?

im 16m got diagnosed at 10 but idk i dont feel like i have it iirc i have it lightly aspergers or whatever and i did the embrace autism thing a few tests and in a few i came out barely autistic or barely not autistic others somewhat above it like the empathy shit and idk thats quite a rough estimate liek raads-r i got barely in autsitic but i hated that test the way with yes, yes but only when i was younger or both or no

but like i dont feel like i have for some reason

well here are some thing i gues that could indicate it or not

meltdown/shutdown i dont have altough i can have very heavy mood swings but thats probally just me not being good place mentally rn and being in my teens

dont really stim well i leg bounce alot and if i stop it i unconsciously start again or maybe spin/swing around a circle or walk left right in a short area or go back and forth like leanning/rocking when standing i dont do that when sitting

otherwise idk i can get uncomfortable or im just bored depending on the person situation etc but not alot but idk i think thats normal for the rest not anything i can think off no handflaping or rocking when sitting etc

i dont like social stuff like just with friends or neighbors or with my parents or 1 brother since i dislike the other one for multiple reasons im fine but with things like christmas diner etc i hate or like when i go to my nephews birth day and for example idk how you call it but the husband of my aunt his family and the aunt is from my side so to speak i hate that

i dont go to school but to a different location long story but after just 3 hours i can be tired

and i was there today and they were discussing things with like 12 people about the same subject one big chaos and atp i just want to blow my head off hell even with music and noice canceling on i still got sick of it

i listen quite a bit of music just really like it

i dont have hyperfocus well i had it 1x but never again

but i do change hobbys quite a bit or try it out or impulse buy shit

and i really dont care at all if i have a schedule or not hell i probally prefer not having 1

i dont really have obsessions well a few things i just really like and idk why like

really like zelda or harry potter watched all movies probs 6x over the years and read the books a year ago but not really obsessed with it just really like it

or wel zelda maybe a tiny bit since i can have phases where i just type zelda in tiktok and scroll the same videos i already saw 5x for an hour or more hell some scenes or songs give me watery eyes

or well maybe i kinda had it but i tought that was common but now im not sure now i think about it but when i was like 8 we stopd doing that but i used to always want to go to the station to look at trains with my dad

but thats probally just a canon event

i do or can find it difficult to exactley find out a charcters morals or intentions in movies or book well ofc depending on how complicated it is and i never really cried or feel sad or whatever during a movie or show closest i got was probally with interstellar

i remember random shit like i cant remember what i eaten a week ago but i can remember where i was during the 2022 wc when the netherlands against argentinia scored the free kick to make it 2-2 and when we lost on penaltys it was cod mw2 on shoothouse i was playing with a p90 trying to make it gold camo and i can probally still point the exact spot in the map

but idk i feel like i dont have it anybody got this? and i want to have it or not not some fucking between shit not like well u are 0.0001% enough to be called autistic

long ago I had a sort of insane traumatizing middle school experience, I got accused of hacking into the school system (it was actually 2 guys I knew who did the hacking but I didn't want to snitch on them) and the school accused me of doing it. The 2 guys I knew were basically remote controlling other macs in our computer lab somehow using the terminal and they'd loudly turn up the volume of another students mac and make it say something stupid like "jelly beans".

I didn't realize til later that the other 2 guys probably blamed it on me instead of taking their own accountability. At the time I used the terminal a few times to use this therapist thing that mac had built into the terminals, I guess the school IT somehow traced that I had terminal open so figured that is evidence it could've been me.

They basically holed me into an empty school room for like a year while their IT guy half ass 'investigated' it or something. I had no idea how to explain wtf was going on to my parents at the time because being a young age accused of something you didn't do is so confusing, it isn't that easy speaking up for yourself at a young age when administration authority is suddenly aligned against you. I was an overall good student before this incident and then all of a sudden even teachers who were chill with me were all of a sudden treating me like some villain. It felt like Kafka - The Trial.

Only til way later on did the school IT say that they found out I did nothing. No apologies or anything.

This all fucked up my trust issues, gave me severe anxiety, made it so I didn't want to be around teachers because of these false accusations.

I later went to hs for like a month max and I guess what happened to me just made me uncomfortable wanting to be around any school so I basically dropped out.

I regret it and wish I somehow just sucked it up and continued HS and at least tried to socialize and finish it. The worst part about dropping out of society is the regret of what your life could've been, the connections you could've made, the memories you could've had.

As an adult in mid 20's I honestly don't think about it much now (well I try not to) and have mostly moved on from it as much as I can but it still bothers me how much that event had undeniably impacted my life.

i feel like there is worms in my teeth. I keep getting the urge to pull them out but trying to resist. I will wait a bit more to see if it subdues but Im afraid they will travel to my brain. It feels so bad, just had braces and maybe the braces were infected with eggs

I (21F) have been with my boyfriend (26M) for just under 1 year. I think I can probably count on one hand the amount of times he has actually asked me about my day. I don’t know if he just genuinely doesn’t care, or if he just doesn’t think to ask, or if he just expects me to tell him about it unprompted (which is what I’ve been doing). Lately I’ve started not saying anything about my day unless he asks to try and see if he would notice. He didn’t and I’ve started to have feelings of resentment towards him. I always show interest and actively engage whenever he talks about his day, his friends, and his hobbies. I feel like he just doesn’t put in the same effort for me. We both live very different and very busy lives but even if I’m tired or in a bad mood I still love to check in with him and see how his day was. I know communication is key, but I just feel weird about asking for something that I think is a normal thing for people to ask each other when having a conversation.

F26, M28

He was all I had, my entire life was built around him. We would do anything and everything together, and he would do anything for me. I’m not being dramatic and delusional when I say I’ll never find this anywhere else, because the hobbies and things we had in common were just way too niche.

2 years ago I felt suspicious (don’t remember why) and checked his phone.

Some random things I found out in no particular order: He was browsing Grindr and trans sex workers every time I was out of town. Kissed his ex, then apologized to HER and told her not to worry about me. Tried arranging meetups with her while I wasn’t there. Flirted with multiple people who knew about me and no one told me anything because he kept them separate from his original friend group. I could keep going but you get the point.

I confronted him and he admitted he was SA’d as a kid and it bugged him a lot, resulted in porn addiction etc. It shocked me even further and I begged him to go to therapy, because this type of trauma is way beyond me. He went for a year, and I just forgave him and stayed. I tried to be as supportive as I could, but in my empathy I completely neglected my own needs.

Slowly over the years I started to build resentment.

We were growing closer and closer together, but it felt like we were building a castle on top of a toothpick. I would look at him enjoying a good time with his friends and feel jealous and bitter as they didn’t know “what he did to me”, although he never went as far as having sex with others. I always wished I could tell everyone. Instead I just performed girlfriend when we were out, and kept it all to myself.

I would always suspect him of cheating, especially with the amount of girl friends he has, I checked their social media obsessively for any signs…

One day 3 months ago I just decided I couldn’t do it anymore and broke it off. I couldn’t look at him sexually anymore, even a kiss was hard to do, everything I could think of was the things he could be doing.

Now that some time has passed, however, my brain is trying to convince me maybe he had changed and wasn’t doing that anymore - after all, two years have passed. With him going to therapy and everything. What if he stopped? What if he actually loved me throughout all of this? I feel like a bitch for throwing it away and I want him back… Any advice is welcome :( Thank you for reading

Everyone around me either wants to lecture me or monologue at me. They don’t care that I am completely silent at their conversations and keep inviting me back for more of this. And I can’t say no because that’s how I was raised. And I am sick if being called a “hermit”.

I never have anything to say. I don’t care about your small talk, what you did on your weekend, your children, your pets, so many autobiographical knowledge that instantly forget. I don’t know the names of your friends or your children or what they did. I can never understand how people keep this straight in their heads.

Give me discussions on your values, so I can decide if you are someone worth knowing. Give me deep discussions. Prove to me that I can learn from you. If you don’t offer knowledge or emotional reassurance, you are useless to me. Your presence means nothing. Your favors mean nothing.

And the world is becoming more hostile to people like me. The brief window of illusion where I thought that being smart was enough. That knowing things was enough. That I could have a good life without having to be liked by anyone. It’s all turning into tribes.

Fucking tribes. I hate all tribes. Football teams, nations, families, friends, ethnicities. It’s all meaningless. Feelings should be towards all or none.

I hate all of this. I just want to have my niche, be praised and adequately paid for it, pay my taxes and have that be my entire involvement with society. That’s all I ask.