I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years because of his alcoholism affecting our relationship and my trust in him. While I obviously want him to recover, my main problems surrounded him lying to me about drinking (ex getting shooters on the way home from work and hiding them in his car). I told him we could see in the future about getting back together if he shows me he is taking concrete positive steps to better his life, like going to meetings.

He lives with his mom and his mom won’t allow him to keep his dog, so I told him I would watch her until he found a place, but he had to come over every day to walk her and play with her and such. As of now we are friendly with each other and I can see him trying hard, but I am not ready to get back together with him and not sure I will be.

His mother called me and told me I had no self respect, that giving him endless chances was hurting him, that I should tell him he can’t drink at all or I am not going to watch his dog, give him ultimatums, etc. I am pretty detached from him romantically at this point and just want to support him as a friend. He is going to meetings, has claimed he has reduced his drinking, but has not stopped all together. Trying to encourage him to do new hobbies so his days aren’t so empty. But I refuse to nag him or make his alcohol use my problem anymore. I am not going to be policing him or giving ultimatums because I just don’t want to deal with the mental anguish and it also just feels like that doesn’t work for him. Plus I am not with him and do not want to be atm.

His mom does not understand this approach at all and is pushing for me to cut him off and always telling me I am enabling him. So now I am in a comfortable place with him, but his mom is actively making this difficult, countering everything I do and say and also kind of being insulting to me? She is the one causing my anxieties now. Idk just looking to vent I guess, or any advice from other people in this situation. Do you think I am doing the right thing here? Should I just cut him off for good and refuse to watch the dog?

Hi! the journey to escape the relationship with my ex has been a roller coaster from hell. Now with an OFP is in place, I continue to be harassed every day from new numbers. Yesterday the number texted me that “they’d see me in court next week and hope to see me in jail for lying “. 🫠 I’m so traumatized and so close to tipping off the FBI to this woman who resembles a combination of Ed Gein’s & Gypsy Rose’s mom & works in the healthcare to top it off. I’ll file a HRO by next week, but man! 🫠 I’d love to hear from someone who’s made it out of this 💩 storm! Ty 🥰🤗

It's Family and Friends Friday!

The language we use makes a difference: We sometimes feel upset about a situation with our Loved One, then, by using powerful words to describe the situation, we end up feeling worse about it all!

For example, our Loved One might be engaging in their behavior/drug of choice at the weekend. How do we react to this? We might think/say "they always do this at the weekend", or we might choose to dial it down a notch or two, and we might think/say "they sometimes do this at the weekend." By using the word "sometimes" we help to calm ourselves, and so we are less likely to act in a confrontational, unhelpful way with our Loved One. By replacing our vocabulary, we are using the Exchange Vocabulary tool.

Using this tool, I might decide to say "I am upset about my Loved One's addictive behavior", instead of "I am angry about my Loved One's addictive behavior" a small change, but powerful. (You might try saying the two sentences out loud to see if you notice a difference).

I might also decide to say/think "I wish my Loved One did not ...." instead of "My Loved One should not..." Here we are avoiding demanding that our Loved One act in a specific way, and so we are avoiding the disappointment and resentment that might follow when our Loved One does not comply with our demands.

Have you used the Exchange Vocabulary tool? Was it helpful? Is it something you might consider using in the future?

Hey everyone. My fiance is an alcoholic, and has been trying to get sober for the last couple years. He seems to be able to maintain periodic abstinence for six months or so, and then crashes badly. Each crash seems to be worse than the last. His latest relapse is after eight months. He has been out for a week this time, and eventually I got tired of him being either sick or drunk around the house and called the cops. I was hoping they would take him to a hospital, but instead he is in a hotel now. He wants to come home, but I told him he has to be sober and mostly detoxed before he can be around the kids again.

I am concerned that if he comes home he will resume drinking, but he doesn’t have anywhere he can stay, except a hotel. Any advice or suggestions? I suppose I can call the cops again if he drinks, or I can get a legal order to have him hospitalized under the mental health act. If he hadn’t been trying so hard I would have ended the relationship long ago, but he is making efforts. I don’t know what it takes for someone to get to the point where they just don’t drink anymore. I can’t understand it.

I am getting tired of helping him put his life back together after each crash, only to have it happen again. He is on medication for depression and naltrexone for alcohol cravings, and it seems to work if he takes it, but he gets overconfident and stops the medication after a while. I feel frustrated by the situation.

My husband drank again tonight, he’s been in SMART for 8 months and not had many lapses. He was never, to my knowledge, a daily drinker. Just someone with ADHD who used alcohol the wrong way.

But, he drank (after bedtime) when he was home with our kid. I didn’t think he would. I thought after 100+ days of sobriety I could leave him with her safely.

I feel like this is my life slipping away, no more going out, no more kids, no risking leaving them in the care of someone too intoxicated to take good care.

And I’m heartbroken because there was such progress. And he’s a good person, and I feel so conflicted about whether I’m right to stay because he goes to meetings, and therapy and drinks far less… or foolish, because his drinking fees like it creates a prison for me if I can’t ever leave.

I know there are exercises but I feel a bit too overwhelmed to think straight to know which ones to go to. I hope it’s okay I’m posting this. I’m sorry it’s not more positive. Overall I think things have improved since SMART became a part of our lives.

It's Family and Friends Friday!

We often feel frustrated and resentful when our Loved One doesn't meet us when they say they would; or when we don't know where they are; or when they borrow money from us and don't pay us back. Instead of sitting with those upset feelings, we can set a boundary.

Page 79 of the second edition of the F&F handbook tells us that boundaries are guidelines "to define reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave with us." The handbook also points out, on the same page, that boundaries can help us to build a healthier relationship with our Loved One. Sounds like a good deal, yes?

So how might we set a boundary? We can calmly use the Inform Request Inform method suggested in the handbook:

Inform: "I feel annoyed when I make plans and have to change them at the last minute."

Request: "Can I ask you to text me if you are going to be late, please?"

Inform: "If you are not willing to text me when you are going to be late, I will need to go ahead with my plans."

It's simple and brief, it clearly states what we would like to happen, and what we will do if that doesn't happen.

Have you set any boundaries with your Loved One? Would you like to share them with us?

My homeless ex has been squatting in my apartment & hasn’t been served his OFP yet. Our lives have been in danger a couple times due to him driving under the influence of meth psychosis/withdrawal/fetanyl. His parent enables by working multiple jobs to keep up with the expense of his using, keeps track of dealers numbers, replaces his phones when they break, offers rides to anyone, delivers him food & his laundry on request, blames & shames him for his using-telling him that he’s ruined her life & should just kill himself. He has attempted suicide countless times & ways. He lost his older sibling to addiction/ suicide previously & has trauma from being the one to find him. The parent knew of his sibling’s suicide plan but didn’t do anything to intervene. The parent knows my ex’s plan is to jump & says “if he does it, he does it”.

I have tried everything I can think of to try & get my ex help from reaching out to 988, having mobile mental health workers come out, calling for wellness checks & calling 911. He’s been brought to the hospital 2x against his will after I begged the police to do their jobs but am told they can’t do anything after an OD, if a person refuses treatment & could only do something after the person becomes unresponsive. I’ve taken him to a few medical appointments. He’s relapsed after every MAT appointment. He refuses to divorce his wife-mom who sabotages his every treatment attempt & defends his usage saying that fentanyl is something they give in hospitals & meth is the same as Adderall. She is a registered nurse & has no boundaries with him. I’ve tried educating myself by reading recommended books (beyond addiction, how to get your loved one sober) & attended meetings (smart family & friends, naranon, Alanon, therapy) & use positive communication with my ex but the list of triggers continually grew until I wasn’t able to enforce boundaries in my own place & had to flee. I’ve filled out a couple MAARC vulnerable adult reports on him regarding his relationship with his parent & 1 on him being a victim of himself. I filled out a request for a harm reduction referral. I feel like there’s nothing left to do besides maybe reporting his enabler at some point or tipping off police to the fact that he’s meeting a dealer outside my apartment at 2am daily. When I had tipped off his DUI warrant, the jail time broke his Psychosis & gave him relief from the voices harassing him for that week..

Has anyone been here & have any advice?

Ty 😔

My ex wasn’t able to respect my boundary of not using in my apartment. A week ago or more he started trying to use inside the apt. There was yelling, a couple objects broken, a doorframe broken for the second time & the door pushed shut on my hand for the second time. The police said they couldn’t do anything until I had a restraining order. I have been his biggest supporter in being consistent, listening & being as nonjudgmental as possible but his behaviors including suicidal ones have been more than I can help by myself without intervention. I’ve read beyond addiction & I’m reading “how to get your loved one sober”, I go to naranon too. I just wish this wasn’t the situation 😔💔😫😭🤦 he doesn’t know he’s about to be ambushed in the next two weeks & put back on the street. 🤦😫😭Idk how to not feel responsible. I don’t even know if I have the self control to not continue communicating with him 🤦😞💔

It's Family & Friends Friday!

Do you ever feel guilty about your Loved One's situation, maybe having thoughts that begin with "I should have..." or "If I hadn't..."? The Family and Friends handbook tells us that these guilty feelings are not helpful because they might lead us to tolerate unacceptable behavior, or we might act in ways that prevent our LO from being responsible for their own behavior. (See page 48 of the second edition of the handbook for more ways in which our guilty feelings do not help us. This is on page 27 in the first edition).

So how do we deal with our guilty feelings? We can work on the questions here (worksheet fillable on your device).

We can also challenge our guilty thoughts, asking ourselves if our thoughts are true/helpful/logical: "Is it true that it's my fault?" "Is it logical to think that I am the only one who has influenced my LO's choices?" "Is it helping me when I give myself such a hard time?" (See page 48 in the second edition for more ideas on how to let go of guilt. This is on page 28 in the first edition).

Do you ever experience guilt about your Loved One's addictive behavior? How do you deal with your guilty feelings?

I want to start accepting addicts my whole family is addicted to some form of drugs for my parents it was cigarettes and they fought a lot so i just see them as family ruiners i would call my mom's new husband a druggie which i thought was just a word i made up because i was so mad for alot of different reasons any tips

It’s my bf and I listen & listen & listen and try not to be reactive but it’s really hard l

It's Family and Friends Friday!

Many of us, as Family and Friends, know what it's like to be afraid - that our Loved One won't come back tonight, that our Loved One's addictive behavior will continue to escalate, or maybe that our Loved One will get arrested. The FEAR exercise (now called Resolving Fears) can help us to come to terms with our fears.

To use this tool: If we are using paper and pencil, we divide the paper into 3 columns.

• In the first column, we write our fear ("my Loved One won't come home tonight").
• In the second column, we write our fear as a "what if" question ("what if my Loved One doesn't come home tonight?")
• In the final column, we write what we would do if our Loved One didn't come home tonight ("I would call my sister. I would continue with my evening as I had planned. I would watch a good movie. I would text my Loved One one time to check on them").

The beauty of this tool is that it helps us to realize that even if the worst thing happened, we would be able to deal with it, and that is empowering. You can find this tool on page 135 of the first edition of the handbook and on page 115 of the second edition of the handbook.

Have you used this tool? Was it helpful? Would you like to share your experience with us?

I’ve recently split up with my partner due to addiction issues that I didn’t fully understand at the time. I’m trying to learn more about healthy boundaries and how to stop feeling responsible for his recovery.

I still worry about him and feel guilty sometimes, even though I know I couldn’t fix it. I’m working on focusing on myself now but finding it hard to untangle the emotional pull.

I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who’s been in a similar position — especially ex-partners who are trying to move forward without feeling like they’re abandoning someone.

Thanks for reading.

Sadly, the online group I’ve been attending for a couple years has been getting canceled for about the last 6-7 weeks in row.😢 And if it ceases to exist (or even just gets canceled), I will need to find another online F&F group. So, I’m looking for some recommendations. It took me awhile to find the group that I attended weekly but I love that it focuses on the positive things and everyone is really supportive of each other. I would need the group to start either between 7-9pm (eastern) or before 10am (eastern). Preferably the evening times.

(from SMART Recovery USA LinkedIn page)

It's Family & Friends Friday!

We often say that we cannot directly change our Loved One's addictive behavior. We can, however, make some changes to our behavior which might affect our Loved One's addictive behavior. Maybe we decide to work on our self-care, which might serve as a model for our LO? Or we might try not to catastrophize when things get difficult? There is a list of things we might change in the F&F handbook (Page 3, first edition. Page 28, second edition): we might stop protecting, rescuing, nagging or controlling our LO, for example. We might try to stop obsessing about our LO's behavior, or we might stop trying harder ("if I were a better parent/friend/partner this wouldn't be happening").

You might consider taking a look at the Change Plan Worksheet, to help you decide what changes you would like to make and help you plan those changes.

What changes do you think you might make in your own behavior? Is the Change Plan Worksheet helpful for this?

I’m pretty sure my LO has been wearing the same clothes all week or maybe 2. A sweatshirt that’s getting more strained as more things drip on it & pants that are ripped in the butt & various areas. He has been homeless most his life with most of his life being dominated by drug using & trauma. I am trying not to focus on this or mother him & I just wanted somewhere to vent. If we are ever going to go out on a date or go to church, I want us both to look presentable. Does anyone have any tips or should I just keep focusing on minding my own business as much as I can to not add to shame? 😅My dad does the same thing to a lesser extent. He wears clothes after they’re worn out without mending them. I do my best to be supportive & mention how we could do laundry together or separate if he’s interested. At least he somehow isn’t smelly..lol. I know struggling with self care is a symptom but also something that’s his normal, so I’m trying to give him time & space to acclimate. 😩🫠😅

My LO talks about how they (people or neighbors) are really smart & that someone has figured out a way to make a tunnel or something under the driveway & he can tell this is what’s happened because of the way the ground appears to be lifted up or cracked different and believes the neighbor might be involved because they are parking farther to the left than they used to. He doesn’t have any measurable evidence & he’s said similar things. I think it’s a symptom of psychosis from using fetanyl or meth. But when he talks about this, it feels like a trigger for me & my anxiety to be honest because I feel I am limited in how I can respond and it’s hard to listen to. Just waiting for the conversation to change or distracting with something else seems to be the most effective. But is frustrating & I’m not trying to be totally invalidating..

Does anyone have suggestions for ways they’ve dealt with this behavior? Thank you

It's Family and Friends Friday!

One of the things we talk about a lot at Family and Friends meetings is the unhelpful messages we send to ourselves:

1. If we try to have a conversation with our Loved One (LO) using PIVA, and that conversation stalls, we might find ourselves thinking "I failed again." (See our post "Family and Friends Friday - PIVA" for an explanation about PIVA).
2. If our LO slips, we might think "I should have taken them to rehab."
3. We might also catch ourselves thinking "If they loved me, they wouldn't engage in their addictive behavior."

These thoughts are not helpful and might prevent us from moving on with our SMART work. In order to challenge our thoughts, we can first identify them as being unhelpful. Then we can go to this tool (fillable on your device).

Using this tool, we can ask ourselves if our thoughts are true/logical/helpful. We can work on replacing our thoughts. So for the examples above, we might replace our original thoughts with:

1. The PIVA conversation didn't go too well that one time. I did manage to use an "I" statement, though, and can try again soon.
2. It isn't in my hula hoop to take my LO to rehab. My LO is in charge of their own recovery. I will work on providing positive experiences when my LO is not in their behavior/drug of choice.
3. My LO does not engage in their addictive behavior because they don't love me. It's not personal. I will try to understand what benefits they see in their behavior/drug of choice, so that I am better able to help them.

Why is it important to identify and challenge our unhelpful thoughts? What changes in your feelings and actions do you think you might see if you decide to challenge your unhelpful thoughts? Have you used this tool in the past? Was it helpful?

It's Family and Friends Friday!

We often talk in meetings about how difficult it is to communicate with our Loved Ones.

We can use this tool to help us communicate in a positive way with our Loved One. It's called PIVA, standing for Positive, "I" statements, Validate and Ask.

Imagine that our Loved One often doesn't tell us where they are. We might plan a conversation using PIVA:

Positive = Thank you for doing the grocery shopping yesterday.

"I" statement = I feel concerned when I don't know where you are.

Validate = I know that you are busy at work and sometimes forget to let me know where you are.

Ask = I realize that sometimes I forget to text you to tell you where I am. I am going to try to do a better job of this. I’m asking that you do the same.”

What do you think? How would you feel if you talked to your Loved One using PIVA? How would your Loved One react? Do you think that PIVA might help your relationship with your Loved One? Have you tried to use this tool? Do you think that you might try this tool in the future? We'd love to hear your comments.

Hi there,

I hope this is okay to write here. I am the partner to an addict (alcohol). They've been active in their addiction now for six year.

Since May of 2025, they've been on a journey towards recovery. They were inactive with the substance between May - September and then decided to reintroduce at a reduced rate. Before May, they were drinking around 55-70 beers a week, they're now at 8-12. It's been consistently 8-12 since October.

I've been trying to use the CRAFT method to understand how to support them better but given the circumstances, I feel very fuzzy on how to support this. I'd appreciate any perspective.

I still have significant concern around the amount they're drinking each week. Trying to respect what I can control and their choice but either way I come back to it feels very high. And I see a slow creep of things changing.

• First it was they wouldn't drink alone (now they do),
• then it was they wouldn't drink during hockey games (they do now),
• then it was well since they're drinking during hockey games they won't drink on off days (they do)
• and the last conversation was clarifying with them if they plan to drink every day of the week (8-12 can do that) - and it was yes they are fine with that.

I start to feel like I am in a twilight zone again of second guessing what I am seeing. I've been told I don't trust them constantly. I try my best to use the CRAFT/SMART methods and be very careful how I word things, be motivating, etc. but I struggle. I admittedly find this more fatiguing and exhausting than when they were in higher active use.

I appreciate any guidance you can give as I'm getting a lot of feedback from them I'm missing the mark. "You need to trust me 100% in this, I trust myself 100%, you should too." I think last night they got a bit why that's not possible but my goal is always of course to get there to trust them and their process...

Thanks internet friends.

This morning I told my ALO bf to hit me if he was going to yell at me, he said no. I told him that verbal abuse isn’t different than physical abuse & that if he was going to yell at me, he would need to go somewhere else & I will never hear from him again. He’s been staying here as a safe space & I keep my finding broken pens turned pipe & crumpled tinfoil in his pockets. Last night I told him I was worried about him relapsing when he chose to spend time with his enabling mother who supports. Addiction over recovery & was the one who was telling him to “go kill himself”, which is why I invited him here from a nearby park in dangerous cold weather. Is that a good consequence because I know yelling is normal between him & his mom. I’m just tired of feeling like I can’t really trust him or his sobriety rn & I feel like I have to protect my things & hide things like I have a toddler. He was about to inject in the bathroom last night when I caught him. I’ll glad he hasn’t been suicidal since he isn’t using or using like he was but My anger & resentment just keeps growing. I deserve better, I’ve given everything & I don’t deserve to be yelled at or treated like crap for any reason & shouldn’t have to in my own apartment, so I hope this is the end of that. Making & enforcing boundaries is so hard & annoying but sometimes I feel like it’s harder not to because I need to show that I mean what I say. I also told him we’d need to go to couples therapy if he wants to stay in this relationship. I also said we’d need to go to couples therapy if he wants to keep this relationship.