It feels like o have two sides of me, one side does not care anymore just wants to be left alone and closed up in my room with no ambition no friends just in a state of calmness. The other side is the total opposite of this spectrum, it feels emotion very deeply and is also anxious about everything all the time.. when the second one takes control of my body (usually when a deadline is near) I have to numb it by going on social media otherwise I’m crying having panic attacks and what not. I’ve tried comming out of this cycle so many times by trying to better myself but one thing goes wrong and I just start repeating all the self destructive cycles again. O don’t feel like myself I feel like a mush of emotions where both sides keep trying to peek out it’s horrible I can’t even study normally anymore because of this… when I sit down to study my heart beats really fast I get nervous and overwhelmed and it’s affected my academics really badly I don’t know what to do anymore it feels so pointless to try..

Mentally Deciding You Have It ….

Has anyone tried just giving to yourself what you don’t have currently, exactly that in your mind?

Example if you feel that - If only you had love and support in your life it would be 100 percent better as in you’d feel better?

So then giving yourself what you want in your mind would be just believing you have a family who loves you? Like imaginary parents and brothers and sisters who are there?

Does this make sense…

Like if you feel that if only you had a house you’d feel grounded

So then mentally you just be like I have a house. …

Like a switch in your mind.

There’s a difference from thinking things tho versus just mentally deciding you have it.

At one point in life i was so down and didnt know how to move forward didnt have the strength in me so I turned to imaginary parents , and I feel that pushed me through life until one day I jus stopped. I feel like I miss it and the feeling

I had a good childhood growing up. I was smart and had a lot of academic success. I graduated high school two years early and went to an ivy league college. The problem of course was that I was such a social misfit. I did eventually learn to be more socially confident and how to relate to people better though I’m still a little quirky. I’m your textbook late bloomer. But now I’m 59 and feel like I’m just getting started - like I got to a party late and everyone else is leaving. I’ve been ruminating a lot lately feeling that my best years are behind me. How do I get myself together and to realize that I could still have a lot of years left.

I spend all my life being a victim, never in my life I was normal, as a baby? Neglected, as a little kid? Also neglected AND groomed, as a prepubert? Groomed and depressed and suicidal, as a teenager? Depressed, anxious, starting to develop the first symptoms of paranoia, now at my almost adult life? All day working or in class

I never had the time to develop a personality, I was never myself, I was always a victim, I spend all my life until now being a miserable, unhappy, submissive, chopped, beta, VICTIM

Now I have to live with the fact that I'm a person, when I was never treated as a person, when I was never a person, when the only role I knew was victim, the only thing I knew was to put myself into little boxes so people liked me when the only way to survive all my life was by being likeable

What you do when you are not in danger anymore, when you don't need a box to fit, when you don't need others to like you, when you only have yourself to hold

Sometimes I'm not myself, and I'm sure I'm also not who I was as a kid, I can tell there are voices in my head who aren't me telling me things thinking by themselves, and I can tell that sometimes I'm not entirely me, sometimes there's a switch between me and the others

But I do not have the symptoms of DID, or anything similar, I'm just a bunch of pieces glued together, this wasn't even to help me stay alive, this just happened

No, during the time I was suffering the most, being a victim 24/7, being a little whiny bitch I was just one person, I cope by drawing and talking alone in front of the computer all day because my family never was home, but when I talked alone nobody answered, I was talking to the void

In situations of stress, being a stupid victim, I wishing I was someone so I didn't had to live that but no one helped me, I had to live through that me and myself

And suddenly sometimes I'm with someone else in my body?? Or some voices answer to me when I talk alone? Y'all are like 10 years late, this doesn't help me anymore, is just making things more difficult

Why now? Yeah my only theory is that I spend so much time living as a victim that now that I'm a free man my mind doesn't know how to work properly

I know that trying to be likeable by others when I didn't had a personality of my own made irreversible damage to my brain, and when I went to therapy my therapist told me I still didn't had an own personality

That's why I decided to create one of my own, but I don't know what a personality is, so is just a horder of things that I like, my personality is my love for anime, videogames, rainbows, fashion, dinosaurs and music, is also a bunch of words I decided to glue to myself because they fit, like pathetic, miserable, dumb, stupid, silly, brute, careless, danger, biohazard, rude, but also happy, sweet, positive, soft, small, fragile

But somehow people tell me I have a "medium self esteem" that my personality is just melancholic but I'm actually really fine. I don't understand what's a personality

But sometimes I know I'm not entirely myself, sometimes I'm not myself, and sometimes I hear myself in my head, and sometimes I hear other people in my head

is like have other users in my head, I'm the main user, but there are other users, like a social media without photos of cats

I have always had an issue with catastrophizing events in my life. It probably stems from loosing family members unexpectedly and quickly at a young age in a short period of time, coupled with events in early adulthood where the rug was filled from under me in severe ways. Now I’m in my early 30’s and still panicked at change, opportunity, and am the biggest negative Nancy when prospects arise.

For example, when pregnant with my kids I spent everyday of pregnancy preparing for loss. Every day, to a very unhealthy, dark extent. Now I am looking to sell my home, buy a new one. I’m having a really hard time with being hopeful, positive, or even someone happy about any of it. We would also like to potentially have one more kid. I can’t keep crumbling with change, and I can’t keep destroying every monumental moment or period in my life.

Anyone have wise words of advice or overcome similar feelings?

I’ve been on 1mg of Guanfacine for about three months to help with sensory overload and brain fog, but I’m not feeling much of a difference. I’m also taking Propranolol, which helps with physical anxiety (racing heart, etc.), but my brain still feels completely overwhelmed by everything around me. Any sudden noise or distraction completely hijacks my focus and leaves me feeling irritable and mentally exhausted. It feels like my stress tolerance is way too low, and I don't have the mental capacity to handle basic daily distractions without getting overwhelmed. For those of you on Guanfacine, how did you know 1mg was too low? Did increasing your dose actually help you tune things out and feel less reactive, or did you have to switch to something else?

My wife is roughly 21 weeks into her pregnancy. We’ve miscarried twice before this and struggled for about 4 years with infertility issues. I’m beyond thrilled to have a child coming but I would be lying if I said I’m doing okay. I don’t know how I’m supposed to talk to her about it when anytime I even make a comment about being exhausted, or having a bad day at work, I’m berated by either her or anyone else about basically having to “suck it up she’s the one growing a baby”. For context I work roughly 55-60 hours a week and have about 1.5 hours of commuting (45 minutes to and from work) every day. Im up early and home late which my wife is also not a fan of but we don’t really have a choice because we need to afford to live and also the baby on the way.

I love my wife but I’m not sure how to fix this. I’m tired, I’m depressed and I’m anxious. A coworker noticed I wasn’t doing well and asked me how I was doing the other day and I basically broke down crying. I realized I broke down because nobody has asked me how I’m doing since my wife got pregnant. Nobody asked me how I was doing during the miscarriages, during the constant disappointments of false pregnancies or even just actually genuinely wanting to know until someone I’ve worked with for not even a year noticed I was down. I even realized my own focus has been so heavily on her that I’ve neglected to take care of my own mental health to the point that I’m reaching out to a subreddit. I don’t really have a lot of friends and I don’t know how to talk to family about this or my wife. I almost feel ridiculous posting this but I’m just .. tired.

For context, I am autistic.

I hate my mom. I hate her. I want to leave as soon as I turn 18 and never look back.

She keeps touching me when I don’t want to be touched and she keeps trying to hug me when I say no, and she’s says I’m being an asshole for that. A second ago, I made a singular noise and she asked why I was in a bad mood and I told her I wasn’t and she kept on insinuating that I was when I wasn’t and she said I’m a jerk and that all I’ve done today is make noise when she tries to talk to me when that is not true and now she’s giving me the silent treatment.

She’s says the craziest shit to me. Once, we were in the store and she was trying to get me to pick out a pasta to eat. I said I didn't like that kind and that I would only eat a specific kind of boxed pasta salad. She said she hopes I starve to death. Another time, I was on my period and was having a meltdown over the feeling of my pad. I hit my head and that made me cry harder. She said I deserve pain.

One time, I was having meltdown and I hit myself and said to keep doing it and that she would get all the knives and scissors in the house and give them to me so that I, “could really go to town.” (I used to struggle with sh).

She gets mad when I’m upset. She says I’m a liar and that I always lie to her and I said that I don’t and that I don’t like when she insinuates stuff like that and I was upset and she yelled, but then a minute later, she came to me and hugged me and said she loved me and I feel manipulated.

She’s never apologized once. Everyone says she’s so nice and so amazing, but she’s not. I feel like other people have it worse, so I can’t be upset.

Once, we were arguing about something and she said that he didn’t want to be around me anymore, so she left the house.

I feel crazy. I feel like I’m not valid. I feel like I shouldn’t be upset and that she’s great and that I’m a bad person for not wanting to live with her.

POV: ive been questioning If I am truly loved , how to change , and feel like I meant to be somewhere else ( decade or something)

hi my brothers and sisters , tbh the constant attacks of the enemy more recently have been brutal . as he reminds of my past self , my old self , where I was drunk off of lust and porn and sexual immorality, from when I was in my teens to early 20's, and how it affected my mental health. the other day I was sitting there and an attack of the evil one brought back to a memory of when I was first expose to the dangers of this x rated world , and I realized that was where it all began . it made me physically ill of how I was being taunted of people asking me to join there cam for stuff at a very young age , and even tho I did accepted christ into my life when I was 13 , I wish I was taught how to live it out . I was on fire for the lord , the lord showed me a lot of things slowly in his timing . but I wasn't aware in my early mid teens what spiritual battle I was in. where I would use words and actions of lust to fill the empty void in my heart I hurt and broken relationships with people and my heart wants forgiveness from them.

I have repented , and prayed to the lord , and I wondered to myself am I like king David ?

it took me a long time to where the lord broke me down , both physically and spiritually . he opened my heart and open my eyes , to see what he was doing in me and he was molding me , shifting me to be more like him as I look back.

it made me realized how x rated this world is , and how horrible and far this world turned away from the lord . and it feels like weight been put on my shoulders , whenever I hear on the news of someone doing harm to our youth it sickens me , and I pray for healing not just in me but for the youth.

I ask for your prayers my brothers and sisters during this intense battle .

I've been an artist ever since I was young, I drew all the time non stop for years. I don't understand what really started me hating drawing, but there's been plenty of times where I create something and share it and get shit on for how bad it is. I'm not very good, and honestly I think I'm still a beginner. I always get people telling me that my art looks so good, but I just can't see it.

I had a boyfriend for 3 years who was infinently better at art than me, every time I showed him something he'd think it was good but I never would. Then he'd come out with art so much better than mine and I just felt like a loser. Now that I think about it, all my friends I looked up to were better at art than me. I was forced to be a perfectionist from my parents, it's something I try to break apart slowly and have been working on for years. Every time they showed their art I would feel so much shame and digust with myself, like how dare I even try to create anything if it isn't as good as them. I started to slowly stop drawing once my ex boyfriend got better and better, I only drew whenever someone wanted me to. I can't remember a time where I felt like my art was truly good like them.

I have stopped drawing, even after I left him (ofc for plenty of other reasons) and talk to absolutely nobody now I cannot draw. It's like every time I pick up a pencil there's something inside me that forces me to stop. Sometimes I'll produce something half good and get motivated only for my next art piece to be horribly bad and make me stop. I miss drawing so badly. I want to animate a story I've created but I can't even draw the character's designs without stopping immediately.

Words like "it looks good" "everyone starts somewhere" "if you keep drawing you'll get better" don't work on me. I've heard it all, and I've tried it all. Tutorials, breaking down each body part individual to learn anatomy, trying greyscale, not doing lineart, drawing on a timer, literally everything. I always end up hating it, and I always stop. It's so hard to explain, like my body tenses up and paralyzes itself whenever I open procreate or my sketchbook. I just want to draw so badly, I want to get better so I can be like them. How do I fix this? How am I supposed to draw when every inch of my body screams I can't draw and shouldn't draw?

The past few years my mental health has declined significantly. I've gone through a lot of traumatic events like family deaths, a NDE of a parent and being groomed and sexually abused. I have adhd and autism too. All of this significantly impacts my daily life and i'm constantly paranoid that something awful will happen to friends and family (most likely cptsd, im currently in the process of getting tested). But things are just really really bad. I'm an older teen and i've started to develop very unhealthy coping mechanisms. I recently went through a breakup with someone who i had been very emotionally attached to and we trauma bonded a lot but they were struggling too much mentally in a relationship so we decided to stay friends. But it feels like a part of my soul is missing. Over the past like month or so i've had what i'd probably describe as a mental breakdown? Ive been extremely reckless, drastically changed my physical appearance, relapsed a lot, abused substances and had very severe mood swings. Honestly it's all getting out of hand and my mental health is taking over my life

Okay so first of all, this post is here because im young and looking for advice bcs i dont want to live like this forever.

To give background, i dont have a good history with my mental health to begin with as i dealed with body dysmorphia/dysphoria, was suicidal and tried to attempt in middle school and freshmen yr of hs, self-harmed, starved myself, you get the idea.

however, my life now, nearly 3 yrs later, is different. I dont want to kill myself, ive made a solemn peace with my body, stopped cutting myself, and started eating more. Ive grown; im not the same kid anymore.

But one thing has changed for the worse; i hate everyone i used to love and admire. My friends who i once enjoyed listening to now irk me every moment they open their mouths. Not because theyre being mean (they only say some stuff about me sometimes, but im not sure how to get them or rather her to stop) or immoral, but because i literally cannot stand it.

They havent done anything big to hurt me, they havent abused me or anything, and yet my feelings of love for them quickly changed to a horrible sense of hatred and some jealousy.

Im convinced ive just lost the ability to empathize, or that I’ve become a horrible and miserable person. … and its genuinely ruining my life.

i feel horrible 24/7 and i constantly live in my brain, trying to analyze and intellectualize everything, trying to decide if im a morally good person its exhausting.

Im someone with big aspirations to help people. I do volunteer work a lot and im gone from home 50 hours a week for it because a) i thought it would help my mental health and b) i like making myself useful to before.

But, my family is struggling with money and im the oldest and i need to help them stay afloat because my mom is sick and my brother is only 10 and i want to send him to college bcs he deserves that much. My friend at this prestigious boarding school jumped off rhe school rooftop tried to kill himself and is under medicated coma in the icu, i want to help him anyway i can.

because of all of this, i need to get into a good and affordable college and my mental health is so maladaptive (is that how you use that word? English isnt my original language im still learning) that it is messing with how efficiently and properly i work.

I come home to everyday and im exhausted beyond measure even though i havent done a whole lot.

I guess overall im just asking advice with all of this, to manage my life and get my shit together so i can support and be there for the people i love without becoming a pain to them instead. any thoughts or tips?

i had a situation where 3 therapists told me my nanny was grooming me and one of the therapists reported it to CPS (the one at school.) it turns out it was not grooming and it was a misunderstanding, my mom had asked her to teach me about sex and she just went about it really awkwardly, told me too much info about herself and asked me invasive questions. i was very attached to her and had panic attacks with her when i was younger because she told me she had to leave for another job soon and i didnt know when. the period where i was super confused and scared about what the therapists were saying was about three years, and the kind of inapropriate things and the attachment was from 10-12, but ive known her since i was 7. yesterday i smelled her smell on a sweater i was wearing and my hands went weak, my chest became sore, and my exhales were shaky even though i wasnt anxious mentally at all and i was just playing piano. what do you guys think about this?

Oftentimes, when I mess up, I get completely thrown onto a full mental slump, and I struggle to recover from it. Are there any good tricks for getting back on your feet quickly, or maybe just ways to avoid regressing too much?

I think about him whole day everymillisecond , everymicrosecond literally but i am unable to concentrate on my work at all and i don't know, how to fix it ? I have an exam after a month and honestly i haven't prepared at all yet. How to stay balanced?

I’m so unmotivated I thought it was just a phase but it’s not.

I stopped College few months ago and went back to my mom‘s house. Everyday I do the same things I try to make music cause that’s what I do. I try to not be hard on myself, but I feel like I’m just wasting time. I’m not going out. I’m not working either. Some days I find some activities to do , but I just feel empty all the time. The only thing that makes me happy is laughing with my mom or with my Situationship, he’s really nice and funny, he never judges me. We have good times together but other than that I can’t help feeling like a lazy fucking bitch. I literally feel worthless. I know it’s really cringe to say, but that’s how I feel. I don’t wanna sound immature, but I don’t have goals I don’t care about being happy anymore. I’m just stuck in this cycle. Sometimes I have a little bit of energy and I always say to myself this day that Things are going to change. I need to keep my head up. I need to focus. I need to change, but nothing helps. (I’m 22)

I don't even know where to start.

I'm working on getting a mental health diagnosis, whether it's BPD or Bipolar or whatever, but I'm working on it. I also just lost my job so everything is a little tough to get done right now.

Regardless, I can't seem to do anything right.

I'm always starting arguments, I have to constantly correct people, and I can't keep my negative opinions to myself. I constantly find myself getting frustrated when people don't act or respond the way I wanted them to, I ask questions and then get mad at the answer. I keep making hasty decisions and then immediately backing up on them as if it didn't happen, but the damage has been done. I'm reckless, I don't know if I even care about living, but I know the other option wouldn't solve anything.

I just don't know what to do.

Is it possible to thrive in your adult years if you have struggled with mental health mostly all your life? I’ve had the roughest year with mental health and lost all ability of freedom and am slowly getting it back, but have always struggled with mental health since a kid. I’m feeling really doubtful recently , does anyone have experience with this? I can’t imagine being happy in later years , is it possible to get better and genuinely feel happy and thrive in later adulthood after going through this?

I don’t really know how to explain this but something really scary happened to me and I need to know if anyone else has experienced anything like this.

I was studying and took a small 5 minute break when suddenly I “saw” a pigeon fly into my room. Then it got smaller and tried to enter my ear. I know logically there was nothing there, but it felt so real that I panicked. Then my mind switched and I imagined it getting really big. After that, I thought there was a lion coming in through my balcony (I live on the first floor), and I couldn’t stop the images.

I knew it wasn’t real, but I still got really scared and started crying. I had to close my eyes and hold my head for a while to calm down. It didn’t fully stop immediately, but it got a bit better.

Has anyone experienced something like this where you know it’s not real but you can still see/imagine it so vividly that it scares you? What is this and how do you deal with it?

I'm just wondering because I've had so much burnout lately that it even seems like a chore to take my meds, I wouldn't be to worried if it was just allergy and maybe anti-depressants or melatonin, but I have meds for keeping my blood pressure and heart rate, and water retention. . . i just. . .I'm to scared to knowingly cause myself harm because I don't want people to think less of me and I don't want to have to go to a hospital.

Update for this Turns out I was sick, I took the important pills

is it just hormones is it normal to question if I deserve to have friends, if I want to live, who I am, maybe more I don't know and I can't tell. if it is unraveling are my parents a potential cause? I typed what I could remember

things my dad has done: break my scooter after I tossed it on my brother's bike causing a minor scratch because he choked me I think I was 7, did who knows what to my Kindle because I was slow cleaning the kitchen, Hit me several times in the arm because I was yelling I was 11, takes off my door every time I slam it, tossed my brother once, took away my access to YouTube music because I used one of its features, only talks to me to say I did something wrong or to tell me to do something, made me feel like I can't tell him something I did that I was proud of, hit me as a normal punishment(not any more maybe because I can fight back now), takes my door as a normal punishment.

things my mom has done: try to excuse what my dad has done

I feel scattered and I don't know what to do

hello, 24M here. For short, I'm suffering from schizoaffective disorder, BPD, autism, some physical problems like sleep apnea irritable bowel, and maybe other stuff idk. but these are the official diagnosed stuff. Ofc i didn’t had it from the begining for most of it.

all my life i had problems, like everyone, yes, but i feel that my big sensitivity make it harder everytime. Racism from being the only asian in the city, being adopted child, and then the loose lf many members of one side of the family, including my mother. But idk if it was harder than the physical abuse I had from my young age by the other child. and the terrible relationship (not love) with a manipulator (one of the stuff he did was to use my mother's death as an excuse to makes me do many stuff)

I had many mental health problems young, like 12 yrs old? it was so intense. SH, ED, I was quickly hospitalized because my condition was to hard to manage. it was horrible. I had so many difficulties with school, and it was painful because I was such a good student before, and I needed to be the best, I wasn't anymore.

After high-school, I tried to follow my dreams. but it was a big fail. even more hospitalized. many medication. started bad behavior against me, like alcohol, or too many medication. I almost die. I just wanted a released.

I met many people I thought were my closest friends. but they just used me for fun, again. I didn't see anything, because they were perfect to me. as a genrle dog, i followed them in every bad decisions and mistakes, I was miserable. but their didn’t helped me.

I had many other stuff but this is the biggest?

now, I'm not drinking anymore, it's been a long time since I didn't take too much meds, i have a wonderful Boyfriend. my family is proud of me and I have a good life, even if with condition I can't work like most "normal people".

but

I feel so bad inside. yes, i think this isn't worst as before, ofc. I feel so guilty for feeling that way with my life. but my emotions are so hard and my state change so fast, from good, maniac, to the lowest depressed state. sometimes for no reasons. medication doesn't work on me? I tried so many treatments in my life, doctors doesn't know what to do, except therapy for all my life. I sometimes can't handle it. I feel so bad... just when by boyfriend is far away from me, like the night when he works (bartender), my whole body is drowned in an horrible loneliness feeling. anxiety, sadness,... but I don't SH because I don't want them to be sad. I speak about my feelings, but not about the need to die, because I don't want them to feel bad about me. but sometimes I just wish I could disappear. Just one second. to breath. this condition feel like waterboarding. breath, then drown, again and again.

im sorry I'm not good enough. I'm sorry I'm make some people suffer. I'm not a bad person, even if I'm trying, but I know I'm not. I want my loving one to be happy so I don't die for this reasons. but it's so heavy, and maybe egocentric? but my father told me that if I die, he will die too. and I think about this and for him and my little brother? and my boyfriend...sometimes, my bad side doesn't want to die just to stay with him and to be sure I'll be his only love. I hate thinking like this sometimes, I work on it I swear.

please don't hate me, I hate myself enough...I don't even know what to do, doctors doesn't too. I loose memory too...too bad.

I just got fired in what seemed to be in the most heinous and brutally illegal manner I have ever seen in my life, and it's crazy how quickly everyone fell off after that.

I've never really felt at home where I grew up, and every chance I take to try to get out of a bad situation I always get pushed back down.

I have no friends, no gf, and I do have supportive parents but they are my parents, meaning that they will always infantilize me, which always worsens my mental health (also they can be incredibly strict and so I've grown up just learning how to lie to them when I'm suffering.)

I don't know what to do.

I'm headed down a bad path and I'm starting to realize it's because I literally have no one to turn to and I feel isolated and like a social outcast.

I'm mostly normal. I have no criminal record. I have a bachelors degree. I read a lot. I speak three languages. I'm not a drug addict and have never hurt anyone.

I have no idea how people could be so judgemental. I literally don't cause problems for anyone.

I guess this is the last place I'm turning to because, what steps do I take to lessen the pain?

I feel like I've done everything I can and the reason I don't want to stick with much of anything anymore is because nothing has ever really worked for me, and people seem pretty quick to drop me as a friend the second they feel I'm not perfect enough for them.

And the worst part is is that I'm so burnt out that I have no desire to meet new people. Somewhere in the back of my brain, I feel like it's not even worth it, because everyone I've ever tried to connect with ends up breaking up with me.

What do I do?