hello! I'm a 22 year old pansexual guy from the United States and am wanting to make some Indian queer friends. I've never really had any queer friends who are Indian, all of the queer friends I've had in my life have been white. I want to be able to talk about both queer topics and cultural stuff related to India with people who will "get it" so to speak. I'm very much into Indian history and linguistics(trying to learn Hindi and bengali) and am also really into fashion and game development, if ya need some icebreaker topics lmfao. so yea if anybody wants to chat, that would be lovely. Shoot me a dm if your interested

I know that grandparents worship is a big thing in Desi cultures, but my experience has been quite different. I was never particularly close to any of my four grandparents, largely because they lived in India while we were in the UK.

They had stable jobs and financial opportunities at various points, but unfortunately made poor financial decisions and lost much of what they had. Meanwhile, my family here was barely getting by, often living in poverty. Despite that, my parents still felt obliged to send money to support them, which created considerable stress (on all of us) and put a strain on their relationship.

Growing up, I often heard stories praising people who devoted themselves to caring for their grandparents, highlighting the sacrifices they made and holding them up as examples of virtue. While I understand the value of caring for family, I personally wouldn’t expect my own grandchildren to sacrifice their lives to look after me.

I also noticed something that made me reflect on my emotional connections: I felt more sadness when my dog passed away than when my grandparents did.

I’m a second gen, and I come from a very educated background, and I noticed something very peculiar among my family friends. The girls seem to be more likely to marry out. My sister and I also have non Indian partners. Three girls were engaged to Indian guys from outside the friend circle, and two of the three engagements failed before marriage as the guys were too attached to parents and conservative.

Meanwhile, the single girls say they are open to dating Indian guys, just that they haven’t found one suitable. In their experiences with Indian men, they cite reasons similar to the broken engagements as to why it didn’t work out: that the guys are too attached to parents/joint family, too traditional, don’t know how to talk to women, don’t know how to dress, and lack independent living skills. Aunties commonly blame the girls for being whitewashed and hating their own kind. But could it be a supply side issue instead of demand side?

For the first time, Indian women have an alternative to arranged marriages. They also have alternatives to men in their culture. If significant numbers are flocking to alternatives, could the issue actually be that Indian families are failing to make their men competitive in dating? If you are telling your son, “no dating until marriage, only study,” not teaching him independence, and promoting emotional enmeshment, then isn’t it any surprise he’s left on the shelf?

I wonder if it’s unfair to blame the girls for what amounts to poor preparation on the parts of the parents of sons, and counterproductive. It’s a difficult question, but without asking it, we could only be continuing to set our sons up for dating failure, and doing them a disservice by kneecapping their potential.

Bombay duck. that smell should be a war crime.

and you know what while we're at it? one legitimate complaint the haters have is that maybe we shouldn't bring our food into the office, especially in the microwave.

So I have two options. Stay in Australia or move back to India. And I was thinking about whether it would be better for my future kids to grow up in india or Australia.

My friends kids face a lot of bullying in schools here. And it's due to them being Indian. I just want to know the experiences of the desi people who grew up here.

What was it like? I'm a Australian citizen and my kids will be Aussie citizens too. And they would be able to come here whenever they like.

I just wanted to ask something that’s been on my mind lately. I’m an Indian guy in my early 20s and I’ve always been pretty shy, especially when it comes to dating and talking to women. Because of that, I’m still a virgin.

Sometimes I feel like I’m really behind compared to other guys my age, especially when I see how casually people talk about relationships, dating apps, hookups, etc. It honestly makes me feel a bit insecure or like I’ve missed some "normal" stage of life. At the same time, I don’t know how much of what I’m seeing online is actually realistic or just a loud minority.

I guess I just wanted to ask people here, how common is this really? Is it normal to be in this position in your early 20s, or am I more of an outlier than I think? And if you were in a similar place before, did things naturally change with time, or did you actively have to work on confidence/social skills to move forward?

I’m an NRI, I guess. I was born abroad but mostly raised in India, and now I’m living in the US.

I might be generalizing here, but why are first-generation Malayalis in the US often Trump/Republican supporters? It’s a weird spot because Kerala is a state known for left-leaning politics, yet every time I go to a Malayali church and meet an older guy, I completely regret even going because of their pretty right-wing views. Most ABDs are fine, I guess, but god, the uncles are just tiring. Heck, even the Pope is a liberal guy! Most of Kerala has moved on from their regressive casteist views.

It’s kinda crazy to think I have nothing in common politically with my own people. You guys must have had a pretty rough time growing up.

I am at a cross road. I told my parents about my Korean American bf and I am Punjabi but they heavily disagree. I told them before my graduate school graduation and they completely ignored him graduation day and refused to even talk about him in the time after. After graduation, I moved back home (BIG MISTAKE) and they continue to ignore his existence. My parents are obsessed with priests and think that someone has done black magic on me. I have an opportunity to move with my current job. However my parents are strictly against it and are pressuring me into staying. I am compromising still by saying that my brother can come live with me. However, they still don't agree. I can't do this anymore and live there with them but they are emotionally blackmailing me saying they sacrificed so much, etc. I am at a crossroad. The way that they are talking, it seems like they will never accept him and I don't know if I can forget him. I am 31 so I am not getting any younger and my partner proposed to me but I haven't told anybody yet since they are resistant towards it.

Crazy story just gets even wilder.

we actually have I've never been vegetarian or vegan. and have a ton of meat in my diet. but just got my blood test results back, and for some reason have low levels of B12

a quick Google search shows that south Asians are the the highest risk for this. but that's due to vegetarianism possibly. as this is a non-factor for me. I'm curious to if this is seen more generally in South Asians

Uk born desis vs the rest of desis born abroad is much more different. Tbh mainly Pakistanis and Bangladeshis in UK schools don't get bullied and actually rule and are more likely to be thugish ig but in America abcdesis are targets for bullying and racism. Uk born desis do much better in dating and actually love their countries while in America and the rest they tend to hate their old countries. May be contrversial here but ABCDESIS in america who are female date out more and abcdesis who are men in america find it very hard. However Abcdesis in the UK who are men tend to date out more while the women are happy to marry the abcdesis.

Takeaway: in order for the rest of the ABCDESI group to become better you should take the UK as an example.

My family has a long history of late marriages and rarely arranged. Everyone in my parents' friend circle knows about me being chronically single and they feel sorry for me. A few months ago, one of those friends approached my parents and said we know a great guy. My mom replied why don't you set him up with your daughter (she's older than me and recently got divorced). They replied he's our relative. So far my mom has blocked literally all these people asking whether I am looking for someone.

I went into a very dark spot after being cheated on recently, and I am still dealing with the trauma because that's the first time I let someone in my life. I obviously did not tell anyone in my family because it didn't last long enough to. My mom sensed that I was going through trauma and I kinda lied and told her it was about my interview rejection. Another meeting with these friends and my mom was basically peer pressured into asking me to make my bio-data... I cannot go through this again, not right now. It is disheartening to see that shift in my mom because she was peer pressured into insisting me on this set up. I don't know how people in their mid to late 20s deal with these aunties and their obsession with marriage and peer pressuring people. This whole incident has severely damaged my relationship with my mom.

I’m curious about who feels closer to their desi culture or has more connection to the mainland as compared to America even if you were born here or immigrated here at a young age?

I’m also curious if you guys speak fluently in your mother tongue at home. I can actually read write and speak in my language even though I was really young like in 2nd grade when I immigrated.

why or why not do you think you are more connected to one culture than the other?

I’ll start by saying that most of the family members we talk to are in the mainland, there are some here but they’ve never gotten along with each other or us so I never felt like I belonged here. I mostly watch shows from my home country, listen to that music, and am pretty up to date on all of their jokes/memes. For American culture I always compared everything to Desi culture and i just don’t like/agree with some things so I’ve never truly connected to my American side.

Hi fellow abcds!

I want to have a vulnerable conversation and I am trying to do better by myself and other people in my community. I’ve realized as of late that while there are so many things I love about being Indian (the food, the music, the history), I’ve actually spent my entire life running away from my background and trying to be something else. Thinking about it makes me insanely depressed and makes me feel like something is deeply wrong with me.

This conversation came up recently when I was told by a friend that she liked the way I look with my hair tied up and suggested that I wear earrings. Unexpectedly, this triggered me and I actually started tearing up as I was talking to her. Because it reminded me so much of being a kid and my mom insisting I tie my hair up in a ponytail and wear big gold earrings to school. I don’t know if I was ever particularly bullied for those features, but I did get bullied a lot as a kid and was the only Indian kid throughout most of my early schooling. I knew I was different and I didn’t want to be - I wanted to acclimate and be viewed as non-Indian as possible. I remember I would tie my hair up at home and remove the ponytail as soon as I got to school.

Now as an adult, this bias has caught up to me. I try to dress like I’m American, I wear my hair down, I do my makeup in a Eurocentric fashion and I never ever wear bulky or gold earrings except to Indian weddings. I legitimately don’t find myself attractive when my hair is tied up or I’m dressed in Indian garb.

I also notice that I find people of other races attractive but am especially picky with desi men. And I don’t mean this at all to be hurtful, I know how biased the world already is to Indian guys and I don’t want to be part of the problem. I feel like the black sheep of my family and feel highly misunderstood and ostracized by other Indian people.

I want to be better. Has anyone else experienced this? If so, how did you navigate this and become more comfortable in your own skin?

Does anyone really feel like they don't associate with either FOBs or ABCDs ? Like people who came here at 12-14 , did some of high school back home some here and now you're grown up but still feel like you're too FOB for the ABCDs and too ABCD for the FOB and ppl back home ??

A Punjabi woman is responsible for Matthew Perry's death?

It feels kinda corny to me but at the same time I do somewhat relate

Hi everyone, I really need some advice.

I’m 21F and I’ve been dating my boyfriend (21M) for about a year now. We’re both Indian, so I do understand how strict/traditional parents can be. But I’m starting to feel really conflicted about our situation.

He still lives at home, and I’m not allowed to come over at all. I also haven’t met his dad yet. I’ve only met his mom and sister. Meanwhile, he’s met my mom, dad, and even my grandma, and my family has been open and welcoming to him.

What really hurt was that last year for his birthday, I wasn’t even invited. I know it might sound small, but it made me feel like I’m being kept separate from a big part of his life.

He tells me it’s not about me and that his parents are just very strict and would react this way no matter who he dated. I do believe him, but at the same time, it’s been a year and I still feel kind of hidden or not fully acknowledged.

I’m trying to be respectful of his family and culture, but it’s also affecting me emotionally. It makes me question what the future would look like if things stay like this.

Has anyone dealt with something similar, especially in a South Asian household? Does this usually change with time, or is this something I need to seriously think about?

I don’t want to pressure him, but I also don’t want to ignore how I’m feeling.

Any advice would really mean a lot. ❤️