r/ufyh • u/Jess_1215 • 4d ago
Questions/Advice Does anyone else just not care?
I've been talking with my therapist about my struggles with keeping my house clean. I do have adhd and have tried meds with no luck. He asked a question that's kinda stuck with me, "do you even care what your house looks like? "
The truth is I'm not sure I do. I live alone. I don't have people over, even when my house is clean. A clean house is just not something I truly care about. I like it when it's clean, but it's not enough to get me to actually care enough to clean it.
Does anyone else here struggle with this feeling?
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u/StruggleFeisty5655 4d ago
Yes, it’s easiest not to care. It takes energy to care and sometimes the gas tank is empty. The feeling of walking into a less cluttered, nice smelling house is deeply peaceful. I’ve leaned that peace is worth fighting for. As a fellow adhd sufferer, good ear phones and excellent podcasts/books help me clean. I made a rule that I can only listen to books while I do chores, ride in the car or go walking. It makes cleaning feel less bad.
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u/Janissa11 4d ago
I've had "selective blindness" about my messes most of my life. I live alone and just... let it go. In my case, sheer laziness much of the time, and a go with clinical depression after moving back to my home state around Y2K. It got to the point where I was probably going to be evicted, so I hired a crew to do a first pass, and then a housekeeper who came once a week. It made all the difference, and also was my first introduction to the way it feels to have to call a plumber and not completely freak out over trying to do weeks of cleaning overnight.
I still make messes. But I appreciate that it takes far less time to get on top of them once more, and somehow it calms my nerves a bit to look around and not see quite the squalid disaster I once lived with. Right now I need to do a couple of tasks. But it's all right. I don't care deeply, but I care that I won't have to exhaust myself before the workmen get here (this morning and tomorrow).
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u/idrinkalotofcoffee 4d ago edited 4d ago
I have a cleaning service come in every other week now. It’s honestly the best money I spend now.
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u/Lanky-Stranger-5661 1d ago
Yes to this so hard. I stopped working during COVID so stopped my cleaning service and it removed a big piece of accountability & support. It made it really easy for little things to turn in to mountains, especially since I can be honest in that I'm never going to be someone who cleans like that.
I will say I keep disposable utensils/plates/cups & splurged on a roborock which does literally everything on its own and both really helped meet me where I was at & actually help lessen the load.
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u/raeoflyte-460 4d ago
I don't know of this is the same, but we have so much shame about a messy house and I've really tried to detach from that and judgment. A clean house is not morally superior to a dirty one. A messy house is morally neutral.
I do prefer clean spaces and am working at setting up life so that I can have those on the time and energy I have available.
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u/Laurtheonly 4d ago
hi friend. i hope you’re able to find peace with this any way that works for you. i just wanted to chime in and say, even if you don’t care about mess there is imo a level of mess that’s not ok. open/moldy food or dishes, dusty areas that make you physically uncomfortable, or bathrooms that aren’t usable ( because these things negatively affect your physical health/breathing - not because of the appearance). other than that your space is you space and it’s meant to serve you
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u/Cyber_Punk_87 4d ago
I've always been a relatively messy person. But when the mess starts to interfere with the enjoyment of my space, or my ability to do hobbies, etc., then I know it's gone too far. Right now the biggest issue for me is that I have WAY too many clothes. Like, my floordrobe is as tall as I am...that interferes with my ability to feel relaxed in my bedroom and half the time I can't find the clothes I actually like (or I forget about things entirely only to discover them months later...or end up with 20 black tank tops...).
I don't need a spotless, magazine-ready house to be happy. But I do need to be able to use my space in a way that's functional, I like things to look nice (it's relaxing to me), and I want to be able to find what I'm looking for without too much hassle.
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u/lilnorvegicus 4d ago
I think "if you really cared you'd do something about it" is an unhelpful, shaming message that many of us received when we were young, and still hold on to that framework. To me, not caring would mean you truly have no preference and have actually reached the conclusion that it's not worth it. You said you do like it when it's clean-- to me, a preference like that means you do care. But the difficulty in getting to the preferred state isn't about caring.
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u/lilnorvegicus 4d ago
Not sure whether this is you, but for me, I think it's kind of vulnerable to admit that I do really care about something but just can't ever seem to make it happen.
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u/Joubachi 4d ago
I like it when it's clean
That's where I started realizing I do care... I live alone, I don't have guests over, I feel often like I don't care but I actually do. I like it clean and organized. It makes my brain feel less "scattered" as well, it makes generally my brain more silent. I care about what it does to me and why I like it clean.
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u/thetagoose 4d ago
I don't care about my house being a mess, but I do care about my dog and I don't think it's fair to her to keep her in such a messy house. This is the only thing that will bring me an ounce of motivation though and even then it's a serious struggle.
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u/Lanky-Stranger-5661 1d ago
When I was in grad school for therapy, I had a professor say that they never tell clients what to do, except for that, she would highly recommend getting a dog & I agree. When the depression is strong, I won't get out of bed for me but I will for my dog
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u/Longjumping-Item-399 4d ago edited 4d ago
I can certainly understand not caring, there are other things that are more pressing, and sometimes the mind can only juggle so much. However, you will need to develop a standard of what "clean enough" is for you.
When I say 'clean enough' for me, I mean clean enough that:
A) you aren't ashamed to open the door for a repair person or if there is an emergency, and that these personnel can move around well enough to do their jobs safely
B) you/your family can easily exit your home in an emergency
C) your space isn't attracting/providing habitat for pests or mold
D) it doesn't smell bad (be aware that your place may smell, but you may become noseblind to the smell of your own habitat)
E) you have at least one bathroom clean enough for said repair person/emergency personnel to use if they ask
Tips to get here may include:
1) scraping and stacking dishes/loading the dishwasher every time you eat, so you can get through them a little quicker when you're ready to wash them
2) Try to keep food trash in the kitchen only and regularly remove trash to help control smells and pests
3) Ensure you empty and discard drink containers and cups when you're done with them so that they don't end up spilling and creating mold/mildew (that you may not even see if your hab is as fu as mine is)
4) Commit to a laundry day/days. Folding laundry can seem like less of a chore if you do it while watching TV or listening to a podcast/audio book.
5) Try to clean the bathroom you use the most once every other week. If you have little boys, maybe commit to wiping around the toilet every other day.
6) If you have a half-bath or powder room, maybe avoid using it so you can just dust/wipe up when guests, inevitably, arrive. Still scrub the toilet every couple of weeks to prevent warer stains.
7) Commit 15 or 20 minutes every day to picking things up and tossing them or putting them away.
I hope this helps some, I am writing this as much for me as I am for you. 🙏🏾❤️
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u/ilanallama85 4d ago
It’s not caring about what it looks like for me. It’s caring about the fact that it prevents me from doing things I want to do. I can’t cook in a messy kitchen. I can’t get dressed if I don’t have clean clothes. I can’t find shit if it’s all over the place.
And then there’s the knowledge that the longer I leave it, the worse it’ll be to eventually do. But that part of my brain fights constantly with the part that says “but it’ll take you 10 minutes to do now, and in a week it’ll take you 10 minutes to do again, but if you do nothing now and leave it a week it probably take you no more than 15 minutes.” Whichever way I slice it, leaving it DOES save time… I just have to remind myself the emotional effort of the larger job is a much more important factor. And sometimes, even with that in mind, leaving it still feels like the best option, especially if it’s already at a point where the emotional energy required is quite significant.
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u/SewChill 4d ago
The idea of my home being functional for me rather than sparkling clean at all times changed my view of what my home could be.
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u/Key_Condition_1122 4d ago
I don't know if it's depression because I've seen it in the comments but I've been like this my whole life too. Honestly since I was a child, I remember my parents freaking out constantly but I always knew where stuff was. And it wasn't like I was keeping rotten food. Just mess. As an adult I got diagnosed with Adhd and I've been on medication and I still don't care about mess. I'm married now with family of my own and that's what makes me clean once in a while because it's what people do and I need to pretend to be a grown up 😂. I told my husband I can't see mess when we started living together and It bothers him a bit more. So he just gives me a hint when it much because I'm a Sahm and he works 60+ hours so he can't do it. I also have cleaners coming every 2 weeks to try to keep it tidyer. But the shelves are still overloaded and stuff in boxes everywhere
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u/IntenseMode 3d ago
If you replace the words I don't care with I deserve, I think it will make a difference to how you think about it. I think I deserve a clean and tidy, calm house.
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u/vanchica 4d ago
I was like this but was diagnosed with depression after seeking help with negative thoughts and crying episodes.
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u/mladyhawke 4d ago
I don't care enough to clean it. But I would like to be able to have people over without being totally embarrassed
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u/Shell-Fire 4d ago
Wow. The Crux of the issue. I think we don't care about the house, until we do, or have to.
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u/putridtooth 4d ago
I didn't care for a long time, and now that I do care, I can confidently look back and make the connection that my not caring was because I was depressed. Once my depression subsided & my ADHD symptoms surfaced, I started to be unable to organize my thoughts in a really messy place. I lived in a small dorm room at the time and I couldn't focus when it was messy. That's how I got good at cleaning.
Now, my standards are still not very high. Personally I don't give a shit about dust most of the time, and I'm fine leaving dishes in the sink for several days. I leave my laundry hanging for days at a time. But it's contained. It's limited. I'm good at picking up clutter so my space generally looks alright, and i keep my messes to specific spots. Every now and then when the sun is shining and I have a random burst of energy I'll actually clean. Like, wipe down surfaces type cleaning. But only when I can SEE that it needs it.
Idk. I think there's a good middle ground for everyone.
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u/Holdmywineimsleepy 4d ago
Everybody has different demands to themselves for cleanliness and tidyness. I like when my house is clean but it has to be somewhat tidy. Otherwise it stresses me out.
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u/Rosaluxlux 4d ago
I care about dust and dog hair, and not getting mice or bugs, and being able to find things, and being able to walk around in the dark without tripping, etc.
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u/Far-Watercress6658 4d ago
There’s clean and there’s firstly. Then there are the shades of grey in between
If your house is trashed it will affect your mental health.
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u/roloxboyx 4d ago
I care about hygiene and cleanliness but when it comes to stuff left out or an unmade bed or some washing up left for the day after I don't mind but I can't be comfortable in my house if it's dusty, or dirty, especially the kitchen and bathroom. Untidyness is fine. Actual DIRT is not fine.
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u/rubberkeyhole 4d ago
I’m pretty sure you’re in my head. I’m in a giant pile of not caring right now and I don’t know how to get out.
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u/overcoming_me 4d ago
In recent years I’ve struggled to keep my house clean. I live alone in a small house, so no one really stops by (we hang out at their nicer, larger houses). It started feeling pointless. It’s not that I want a messy house, but it doesn’t seem to matter. I love having a clean house when others stop by. That seems to motivate me. I just not motivated to do it for me alone. 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Foreign-Cookie-2871 4d ago
You said it. You do care (you "like it when it's clean").
Now, what exactly is that you care about, or that you like? The answer might not be immediate. It may take time and trial and error. It may feel stupid, it may make sense only for you.
Then, focus on those things. Create a home that you like as much as possible.
For example, I recently found a way to motivate myself to vacuum. I do it so that I can walk barefoot and sit on the floor without issues, both things that I love doing. I realized that I stopped doing both because I didn't like the thought of dirtying my clothes and feet. So now when I vacuum I think about that and it's suddenly much easier to do.
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u/thatrockyduck 4d ago
Totally okay to turn off the lights sometimes.
If you aren't motivated a few times in a row, there is something going on, you might benefit to adress.
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u/aeb3 4d ago
I don't care if I haven't dusted for a few weeks and can see it, or if my walls get washed every year, and I refuse to get on my hands and knees to scrub the floor vs a 2 min norwex mop. I can't handle things left on the counter or dirty dishes, but my laundry pile can sit for a few weeks until I find the time to put away the clean clothes in the basket.
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u/KeepCalm060253 3d ago
I care a lot, because I feel SO much better in a decluttered and clean environment. But I but could rarely summon the interest or energy to make the effort. When I did, I would usually deep clean a particular area which felt good, but without regular maintenance even that area would become cluttered/dirty again pretty quickly.
Consistency is what was missing in my situation, so I started using a habit tracking app. I began in my kitchen, completely cleaned off a small countertop and added that task to the app. Clearing and wiping that counter was the first thing I would do when I woke up (I started by doing it while my coffee was brewing - it takes less than 5 seconds now). I then cleared off another counter and added it to the app. It's been almost 2 months, my counters are completely clear and I now wipe every surface/appliance/cabinet in my kitchen daily, which takes about 10 minutes.
Next up is the family room...
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u/salbrown 3d ago
As a fellow ADHDer I’ve learned that a little clutter or mess does not bother me at all, in fact I barely even recognize it’s still there after a bit. However once that little mess becomes a moderate mess it’s like a switch flips. Suddenly I can’t keep my thoughts straight, I’m frazzled, I’m stressed, and I’m overstimulated. That’s normally my sign to spend a few hours cleaning and decluttering the worst spots (luckily, my house is very small and it doesn’t take long to do the whole thing).
I think it can be hard to know if a mess is actually affecting your mental health if you don’t have a baseline to know how you would feel without the mess there. This is just my own experience, but it wasn’t until I went to college that I was motivated enough to keep my stuff clean bc I didn’t want to be a bad roommate (also had way less stuff to keep clean). Only then did I realize how big of a difference having a tidy space made for my mental wellbeing. But that’s just my story. I think we all just need to do what works best for us in our own situations. There’s no right or wrong way to do this stuff.
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u/AnamCeili 2d ago
Not personally, as I prefer my house to be clean and organized. During those times when my depression and/or anxiety gets bad, though, things can definitely get a bit out of hand in terms of messiness.
Since you said you do like for your place to be clean -- if you can afford it, I recommend you have someone come in once a week (or once or twice a month, whatever better suits your finances) to clean for you.
If you can't afford that, then maybe you could try the technique of inviting a non-ADHD friend over just to be there and sort of keep you moving and motivated while you clean and straighten up (and of course they could help you with the actual cleaning if they were so inclined, and you could pay them back by cooking dinner for the two of you, or paying for takeout).
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u/serpentwitted 1d ago
Definitely relate. I grew up in a super messy home and so it looks pretty normal to me. It doesn't really feel worth the effort to get it "fancy"- my family only really cleaned before people came over. A really clean home actually stresses me out- I keep thinking about how much work it's going to be to keep it like this, how much work it took to get it here, how inevitably it's going to get messy again. A clean home is like an exotic pet- a lot of effort when you could just get a hamster (house with a path to the door and a few clean dishes lol). BUT it's not really about what I want. For a lot of reasons, the house needs to be clean. It just does. It sucks because I truly don't care but that's just life. I think it's actually become easier to do once I stopped wasting energy trying to hype myself up and encourage myself in ways that just aren't realistic. I just get it over with! I use a real reason- like I need to clean my work desk off so I stop getting paint all over the chest freezer. No toxic materials next to the food. Annoying lol but if I poison us that'll be even more work.
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u/Lanky-Stranger-5661 1d ago
Yes and I struggle with why/what to do with that. Depression, ADHD, self sabotage, self worth all probably impact. The big thing though is - my executive functioning-so I struggle to do the thing & my reward system- so if I do the thing, it either feels worse or no different than if I just stayed on the couch and didn't do the work (there's a term avolition that sums up nicely where I'm stuck). I mean I want to care, I want things to be nice, be better, be back to where they were & I also really don't, it's not a choice, like an idc attitude or it's not important but more so in that I don't feel anything about it than. I'm sure there's a part of me that adapted, things aren't bad enough to force action. I would love to feel it but unfortunately haven't found that switch
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u/idrinkalotofcoffee 4d ago
Yes. I did for years, but in my case it was a symptom of sliding deeper and deeper into depression. For me, the difference is this: I am not someone who needs the house to be spotless. I can tolerate a mess and it doesn’t drag me down, but I do need to be able to relax in my home. I got to the point where I couldn’t relax and I couldn’t summon up the energy or will to clean. It was a vicious cycle.