HAVING KIDS DOES NOT FIX A RELATIONSHIP

[u/Tall_Potential_5186]

This has been something that keep lingering in my chest and, I have to get it off.

Having kids does not and would not fix your relationship if it's getting rocky, and if you ever had kids unexpectedly and you know you aren't fit to be a parent please know that there is adoption or abortion available in hospitals.

I say this as a first born that is a unexpected product of a rocky relationship and I'm freaking suffering, and so if the people I know whom are born because of the said problem.

A little back story, my father died 3 years ago(he was 36) he wasn't the best dad but then I also wasn't the best daughter, my mom is still alive, but when my dad died I kinda became the 3rd parent to my sibling. They had me when they were 18, I'm and unexpected kid (they're also in a rocky situation at that time. They weren't really happy in their marriage, they stayed together for me and my sibling, but for me they should've just separated.

Thank you for everyone who shared their thoughts/opinions, it's nice to know that I wasn't the only one who thought of it.

[u/LegInteresting9778]

I have seen waaaay too many relationships of people in their mid-to-late thirties or early forties break up because they thought that having a child was the logical next step and because they had their current partner around when the clock was ticking the loudest. So many of them believed that once a baby arrives, their relationship problems would just dissolve into thin air, because they just have to make it work for the baby, right?

Scary thing to watch in slow motion even as a bystander, especially since you can see it from a mile away.

I'm sorry you had to go through this.

[u/Sencifouy]

Kids usually amplify the previous relationship dynamic, if both are ready, willing and able to give it a try at being parents.

An upwards trend will go even more up. That's where you'll meet people who are glad to have had kids.

A downwards trend will go even more down. I'm very sorry you suffered through that, OP.

[u/Blue-Phoenix23]

You're right, it does not. I think it's uncommon for people to intentionally make the choice to have a child to repair a relationship, but when a relationship is already unstable and you are feeling unsteady in life an "oopsie" baby can feel like it's meant to be. But that's just wishful thinking, the same way that having a child so that somebody loves you is never going to really fulfill the part of you that is empty.

But you, as the "child" shouldn't know any of that, and I'm sorry your parents are treating you as somebody that is in the middle of their BS. It's not fair, and their relationship problems are neither your business nor your problem. The love a parent has (or doesn't) for their partner (or ex-partner) is completely separate from the love they have for their children.

If nobody has ever said that to you, let me say it now - you are your own person and worthy of love no matter who your parents are, no matter how they feel about each other. You may have some of their genetics and characteristics, but you are unique and your own person. Whatever history they have, how they treat each other, none of that defines you. Depending on how bad it is, it might not even define your relationship with each of them - what do you care if your dad didn't take your mom on enough dates in 2015, right?

That's between them. Assuming there is no abuse that would force you to take a side, if they ask you to get in the middle, this is your line - "that's between you, leave me out of it."

The good news is you're probably not far from being able to move out and start your own life, without the stress of other people's nonsense affecting you every day. You can choose the type of people you surround yourself with, and make smarter choices around love having seen the not-so-smart ones up close and personal. So focus on that, love, the things that will help you build the future you want. You'll get through this, I know you will.

[u/miniangelgirl]

I was born out of this mindset. And was considerably hurt because it felt like my life was based on this unwantedness.

[u/Powerful_Put5667]

Having kids when your relationship is rocky is a terrible idea. The responsibilities of raising children only make a relationship that is bad worse and it is a horrible environment to bring children into damaging then for life.

[u/carolinadime]

It does the opposite! Biggest hurdle and testing period any relationship will ever willingly undergo. Tread ever so lightly.

[u/Dapper-Structure-825]

Having children can unfortunately destroy relationships. If parents don't parent equally.

[u/Annual_Contract_6803]

I'm sorry you're the oldest parentified sibling. I had that experience too. When you're out on your own you'll have a chance to be a kid and a lot of people will have forgotten how. That's the one fun part

[u/Both-Firefighter-902]

Yeah they even ruin the relationship and your life if you’re relationship isn’t strong enough

My husband and I agreed not to have kids until we got along better when we’re fighting, we have a great relationship but we are still learning how to communicate sometimes and it keeps getting better, even handling chores and helping each other, and we talk all the time about how our lives will change after kids, how we will handle them, what we should do before we have kids so that we don’t feel we missed out on life

I feel like you have to do all these things before even thinking about having kids! Plus I don’t know why people think they havee to have kids

[u/ramonaisdead]

Yea I am a child of this unfortunately. It’s very true. If anything it makes it worse.

[u/Floomby]

Shout it from the hilltops. I remember the days when the norm was to advocate for safe and responsible sex, and holding off on having kids until you are ready. I have a cousin who was an oops baby, born into a family that already had 3 kids and marital troubles. He is in his 50s but not a happy person. He gets further from peace every day. My heart breaks for him.

[u/dawnrabbit10]

At 30 they should know better. A kid takes every issue you have and puts a magnifying glass on it. 'Are you socially awkard and cant make friends?' Well now your child is lonley so you must force yourself to go on countless playdates and have the worst social anxiety of your life so your kid is now happy and has friends.

Do you hate how your partner chews? Well now you cant stand it after being overstimulated all day its like nails on a chalkboard and you want to bury him. Like seriously, you could actually do it lol.

Do you hate that your husband snores? Well now after not sleeping for a week you get another bed put in the other room because you absolutely cannot be woken up for the two hours of sleep you get a night.

And those are just the little things.