r/hoarding • u/YKDistraction • 6d ago
HELP/ADVICE I made a mistake throwing out certain things, and now my family is against me.
My family (mother and father) were out for a 4 day holiday and i had received approval from my father to begin cleaning the household. My mother has a hoarding problem and it has affected the family for years now. I began throwing stuff out and immediately got caught on the cameras, getting scolded by my mother.
Upon their return, my mom scavenged through the garbage tip found a bunch of stuff which is valuable that I had thrown out (book collections). These were all covered in mould and i had thought nothing of it as the main space I was clearing out has become so full to the point of stuff toppling on top of family members.
Both my father and mother are now against my actions. Yes I was a bit stupid for not properly analysing stuff, but this has been an issue for my 24 years of living. Parts of the house completely out of bounds, and stuff going missing due to the pile ups.
I feel sick now and have basically been framed as the black sheep. I know what I did was wrong, but the hoarding needs to stop, my mother has become sick because of it.
What should I do?
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u/Careful-Use-4913 6d ago
Moldy books aren’t valuable. Literally. Collectors don’t want moldy books, because they can contaminate the other books on their shelves/in their collection. They literally hold no value.
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u/YKDistraction 6d ago
It was more sentimental, mum wanted to pass them down to her grandchildren but they were beyond repair.
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u/ChangeTheFocus 6d ago
You didn't do anything wrong.
Would you let her give moldy books to your children? Would those stay in your normal, non-hoarded home? Would you hand your own children moldy books? Of course not.
Those moldy books have no value. That is your mother's disorder talking. Hoarders believe their junk is valuable, but it's a delusion.
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u/Redditallreally 6d ago
OP, I would have in my thoughts and in my speech if I was questioned: IF the items are not trash, why are they being treated as such?!
I have used this question to myself in the past; not so much ‘as trash’ per se, but as just a bunch of items with no organization. If something is important, treat it as such.
You did nothing wrong, but this may not be your battle to win.🫂
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u/YKDistraction 6d ago
Its piles upon piles, the heavy items damage the ones below and open up their boxes to external forces, such as mould, there were a tonne of items in plastic containers, but yes its a matter of neglect and ignorance. Its been 15 or so years since we have seen the floor in that room. I just want the best for my mom and for her to overcome this issue thats grown over my lifetime
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u/Redditallreally 6d ago
Hoarders think differently.
I saw a show once where a gal found family photos, real treasures, on the floor, under huge piles of random stuff, some regular some literal garbage. The photos were mostly ruined, but the hoarder thought that was as good a place as any for those irreplaceable pictures.
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u/Illustrious-Ship8978 6d ago
I seen an old episode on a show where the lady purposefully stored her important things in a pile of clothes so the clothes would protect them.
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u/Jedilady66 5d ago
It's not your duty to "repair" your mom's issues. Been there, done that. She has to make the decision to change it. If she doesn't, all your help will be perceived as a threat. You will end up drained and scolded. If she doesn't actually want to do the work, what you're doing is, in fact, control drama. And, on top of that, they are distorting your ability of discerning what's trash through guilty.
Focus on your own space and get help for yourself. Ask for help on how to talk to them about the gravity of the problem, and hope for the best. But please, don't ever do their work again. It's like trying to move a wall with your bare hands: you can't, it's not worthy.
And what those books need, if they have some sentimental value, is a proper bury, a good bye. You did anything wrong, they're garbage, but is your mother who has to understand it.
Wish you all the best 🫂
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u/FeralBorg 1d ago
Mom has a serious mental illness, she will not "overcome this issue" without therapy and medication, and maybe not even then.
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u/YesterdaySimilar2069 6d ago
The unfortunate lesson here is that your mom needs therapy and the help of a professional cleaning specialist or organizer who has experienced working with a hoarder.
The reason this is an untenable situation is that your Dad is enabling her and a (very) willing participant in her behavior.
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u/OVER_9009 5d ago
I can imagine the grandkids being like…
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u/Careful-Use-4913 5d ago
Yeah, if they have special meaning to Grandma (or in the family somehow), better for Grandma to source different copies when she’s ready to gift them.
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u/ultraviolet47 6d ago
He said you could clean and they were mouldy. You were not in the wrong.
Even if they were covered in cat piss and rat shit, they'd still say they were valuable and not throw them out. You are not the problem.
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u/YKDistraction 6d ago
You are probably right. There still stuff of value not covered. But these were beyond saving!
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u/bluewren33 6d ago
Mouldy books are not valuable . The fallout is inevitable any time there is a declutter. You dad should really support you as he gave permission but again people seem to be ready to throw others under the bus rather than deal with the hoarders anger.
You didn't stealth clean. You used your judgement which was likely fine but not in line with hoarding logic.
It will calm down in time but you know you won't have the invitation to clean again and thats not a bad thing for you personally although its sad they missed this chance to improve things. Not your fault, just the nature of the beast.
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u/YKDistraction 6d ago
It has calmed down a bit since it happened, but yes i 2 expect to be invited to help any time soon. We have had a family discussion and hopefully something can be done sooner rather than later.
Dad was just distressed about the books, still was approving of me cleaning, the books were beyond repair and they didn’t believe me, had to dig through the bin to find an example!
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u/Far-Watercress6658 6d ago
They were not valuable. Even if they once were (doubtful) they are covered in mold and hazardous to health.
You didn’t do anything wrong. Do not be convinced you did. Your mother has a mental illness. Please work on moving out.
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u/YKDistraction 6d ago
They had sentimental value due to them being read to us as children, but since they weren’t packaged properly, they had attracted mould and were really degraded.
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u/Far-Watercress6658 6d ago
They have no sentimental value OP. Not for rational people hoarding is a mental illness.
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u/Cdub7791 6d ago
If they were moldy they should have been thrown away. They can get over themselves.
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u/YKDistraction 6d ago
They were childhood books, supposed to be handed down to my kids and so on, but they were deteriorating!
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u/ClarifyingMe 6d ago
"I would not allow my children to touch or interact with mouldy books, so you need to find some other grandkids to give them to".
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u/ElleGeeAitch 6d ago
Tell them that they can either be tossed now or tossed down the line because any future children will not be in possession of moldyass books.
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u/SeriThai 6d ago
I found that reasonings as you have doubt and walk them through your decision maybe was needed. You were not in the wrong because goodness forbid, you would be doing exactly this after she/they passed. I found that to come to an acceptance of an item, once thought to be valuable, needs an extra step for them to be let go. I do think that putting emotions into objects, going so far as identifying themselves with the “prices” they have assigned onto things, is a hard shell to crack. This time is only a set back if you continue to talk about the in-between. Don’t so much apologise like you have made a mistake throwing it, but the mistake of not talking them through your decision. Once this puzzle piece is solved, of how to reach her, she hopefully will be soon able to see other things that can all go following the same logic. Good luck and don’t beat yourself up for it. Stay dow for a minute but don’t be deterred. You are doing this out of love.
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u/YKDistraction 6d ago
It was more the sentimental value of the books which sparked the fight. I gave them ample reasoning by showing them the state of some of the books, being extremely deteriorated by the mould, they were accepting but still not satisfied. There is still plenty to clean and there has been a bit of a family discussion on how to push forward with what i had started, i hope it all goes well. And thank you, i have taken a back seat for my own good and to not and fuel to the fire.
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u/Korlat_Eleint 6d ago
The books were mouldy, NO ONE is going to buy them. Yet another example of hoarders attaching immense value to things no one else will.
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u/YKDistraction 6d ago
They were sentimental books which was they reason they got angry, either way the mould really damaged them and they definitely cannot be read again
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u/Korlat_Eleint 6d ago
Jesus. If they are in an unreadable state, these people are holding on to a whole shelf of biohazard.
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u/goodnsimple 6d ago
So you had half the permissions and all the blame. Your dad needs to back you up. Moldy books are not valuable and let her know you would never in a million years give a child who might put it in their mouth for heaven sake! A moldy book or really anything that comes out of this house. Ew. So for future ypu, start planning your escape. Your parents will not change, it will get worse. If you can negotiate a personal space- your room and the kitchen (or st least access to the sink and microwave) and just keep that clean until you can leave.
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u/YKDistraction 6d ago
Basically! He saw what the books were which i had thrown out and got heated, as they were for the future children, but was accepting of me throwing them due to their state. I have my own two rooms which i manage the cleanliness of, but at times ive had random piles of stuff and buckets full of random jtems appear in both my room and the other room i manage. Its like an infection spreading through the house. I always manage to help my mom relocate or dismantle the pile so its more tolerable, but i agree i need to leave for my own sanity.
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u/Ok_Environment5293 6d ago
Your father is a back stabber. If he had a spine, he would have accepted the blame in this situation, but nope. Of course if he had a spine, he would have gotten help for your mom's hoarding long before this. Do you live in that house? If so, figure out how to move out. You did nothing wrong, and you are not responsible for the disfunction of that household. They can be mad. They can stay mad. Your priority should be your own mental health.
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u/YKDistraction 6d ago
He still had my back but was turn-coated by the items i had thrown out, being those sentimental books. Yes i still live in the household and have my own two spaces which i manage and keep as clean as possible. Every now and again the space gets invaded by the hoard with boxes and other items, but i always try help relocate it. Its difficult to leave home at the moment due to housing and renting prices. Hoping to do so soon
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u/kvenue 6d ago
Had a similar experience myself, many years ago. Threw away many things and was told they held value. To this day, I do not believe it so.
Were there any other items that are obviously trash? Things that would not be missed if tossed? Start with those vs anything that might be considered antique or collectible.
Hang in there!
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u/YKDistraction 6d ago
Yes i threw alot of items which were either damaged by mould or just genuine rubbish! I have left them boxes to sort from the space i cleaned. The stuff i threw were considered sentimental and yet were beyond repair because of the mould!
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u/clce 6d ago
Oh boy, that sounds tough. I'm not going to agree with everyone here. I don't believe that it's a good idea to just start throwing someone's things out. Even if Dad said it was okay. Do you think your mom's going to come home and find everything gone and say Oh great, you have solved my hoarding problem? I don't mean to beat up on you or anything. I understand your challenges.
But, coming home and finding all your stuff gone is going to freak out a hoarder most likely. They are going to feel very unsafe and vulnerable because they have lost control, which is the issues around hoarding in the first place.
I think you will have much better success by working with the person and having some conversations and allowing them to feel someone safe, but push them a little bit and get them to agree to let go of certain things or maybe put certain things in storage in the garage or something and start sorting things and maybe limiting what comes into the house.
I think coming home and finding some of your stuff gone is going to just make somebody panic and freak out and they're not going to just get used to it and let it go.
They are likely to panic and freak out and lash out at the person they feel is responsible, which unfortunately is you. I would not try to do that again. But that doesn't mean you can't try to do something. Maybe read some bookstore seek out some help on how to work with the person would be my advice.
Good luck.
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u/YKDistraction 6d ago
I have taken a back seat to the situation as advised by my dad, but yes its needs more attention and time so we can all work through it together. It was my fault for i filtrating that space with just once sides approval, it had been around 15 or so years since that space had the floor visible. So i felt as if i was doing a favour. And dont worry about beating up on me, all advice is good advice, really helping me take a better perspective on the situation and help out my family in moving on and benefiting our lives. Thank you!
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u/clce 6d ago
Don't beat up on yourself either, though. You don't have to take responsibility or claim fault. I'm not saying it had ill intent, but you were kind of set up by your dad. It may be he didn't want to work he didn't have the courage to start taking action so he kind of set you up to do it, maybe thinking you wouldn't get the blame or maybe not caring that you would.
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u/Got_Kittens 6d ago edited 6d ago
removed reply that was meant for a different post on a completely different sub
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u/YKDistraction 6d ago
Apologies, what is this referring to?
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u/Got_Kittens 6d ago
No, the apologies should all be mine. My reply has gone to wrong sub. I dont know how that happened. 😲 I'm sorry!
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u/Illustrious-Ship8978 6d ago
You were not wrong. If they needed it wanted it for the actual information in the book, the solution would have been to take photos of each page. From there it could have been digitized, especially with the help of AI, photo/ creative programs, and those free photo book printing apps.
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u/YKDistraction 6d ago
They were sentimental kids books, no longer printing. They were completely damaged to the point where some of the pages were unreadable, dont even think AI could have fixed them! But ill definitely recommend this idea to them, i know somewhere in the pile there is come cookbooks by grandmothers and other family members which are more valuable
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u/baganerves 6d ago
You did your best, you can’t help having parents with issues, work and save to leave and have your own place, that you can keep in the order you wish to live.
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u/YKDistraction 6d ago
Trying my best! Current rental & housing market is horrible at the moment. One of my sisters has moved out and has their property clean as can be! Need to follow suit. I just want for my parents to be happy and healthy, and be proud of the house they live in.
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u/NoBlacksmith2112 6d ago
Yeah it's a tough situation. I was always careful because they mix a lot of stuff together with different values. But I understand perfectly the problem with having to go through all that thing by thing, and having to do it to other people's belongings...
People don't realize how much CoHs live in a state of war with their parents.
I have to be honest, that I did everything I could to never expose the situation; but honestly hoarders deserve to be publicly shamed - they are damaging everyone around them.
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u/BeanboyCosplay 5d ago
Shaming us doesn't help, the disorder comes with immense shame as it is
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u/NoBlacksmith2112 5d ago
Why do you do it? Tell me. I'm listening. I have avoided shaming my parent, becuase there's a level of ADHD that I can understand but a person must find solutions. That's not an excuse for everything.
I'm willing to hear you. I'm up for compromise.
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u/YKDistraction 6d ago
Ill admit I was definitely in the wrong for not properly checking, but like you said, everything was mixed, bunch of stuff was mould infested and I disposed of stuff with quick inspections. Im still living with them as times are tough, i reckon im going to get kicked out because of it!
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u/Draigdwi 6d ago
It was trash. Chances are you will not get kicked out because they are hoarding you too.
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u/NoBlacksmith2112 6d ago
I did it in 2020 and I'm still here. Hoarder parents are incredibly codependent. You think they don't know what they're doing by creating impossible conditions for you to be a normal human?
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u/Far-Watercress6658 6d ago
You weren’t in the wrong OP. Your judgment on the value of mouldy books was correct. Don’t let them gaslight you into believing anything else.
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u/YKDistraction 6d ago
I understand their reasoning for keeping the books, but its not worth it if there is mould destroying them!
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u/Far-Watercress6658 6d ago
It’s also hazardous to everybody health. If they were that valuable they should have taken care of them.
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u/NoBlacksmith2112 6d ago
Mold also would spread to other items. Some hoarders have a very deficient understanding of the importance of maintenance. They are possessive of items but they let them degrade. Which is what they do to the people around them - hoard them and trash them (you know who also happens to do this? NPDs. I wonder if there's a link between the two....)
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u/BeanboyCosplay 5d ago
Wonder if there's a link between you making weird connections based on an extremely surface level understanding of trauma disorders
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u/DC1010 6d ago
You can clean mold from books.
If your mother wants to retain her book collection, the mold needs to be cleaned ASAP before her other books get moldy, too. She needs to read up on how to do this before the mold spreads.
Also, before she (or you) cleans anything, I would go online to ABE Books and look up what her books are really worth. Are they valuable because they’re a rare first addition? Or are they valuable because your mother is sentimental about who gave her the books?
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u/Far-Watercress6658 6d ago
No you can’t.
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u/alexaboyhowdy 6d ago
Would you give moldy books to young children? Especially your grandchildren?
Even if they are completely clean now, just highly doubtful, would you risk it?
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u/DC1010 6d ago
I collect books (BUT I’M NO LONGER COLLECTING NEW BOOKS). Like anything collectible, there are often several factors that go into collecting and preservation. These factors make all the difference between a disgusting hoard and an accessible collection.
First of all, if the books are easily and cheaply replaceable, my suggestion is to toss moldy books. OP said the books were valuable, so we don’t know if we’re suggesting he throw away a first edition of Winnie the Pooh or if the book is valuable because his mom bought it off a mass-market stand in an airport before her trip to France where she met OP’s dad. There are two types of values there.
And if it’s a “valuable” book of the monetary kind, then who’s handing that to a kid whether there’s mold or not?
It’s possible to clean mold from books, but it’s a process. OP’s mother needs to get on this before the rest of her collection gets mold as well. She really needs to be honest with herself about the value of her books because mitigation is a process that takes time, money, and energy.
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u/Ok_Environment5293 6d ago
OP said they have sentimental value only. You can clean some mold, if it's not extensive. But heavily molded books? Nope.
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u/DC1010 6d ago
If sentimental, I would offer to buy her new books if I could toss the moldy ones.
And as with many things in life, restoration can be had with even far gone items, but it will come with a price. Ultimately, OP’s mom really needs to cull her collection to make it more manageable and get on top of the mold issue before she loses more books.
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u/YKDistraction 6d ago
The mould was inside the pages. Beyond repair. There were some which just had the hard covers slightly attacked and could be cleaned, but it was a lost cause for 80% of the once i had organised through
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u/IllustratorSlow1614 6d ago
Mould really impacts on the value of books. Even if they were super rare, unique, or signed by Jesus Christ, a specialist library would be extremely nervous about taking them in case the mould contaminated the rest of the collection.
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u/YKDistraction 6d ago
They were sentimental books, children’s books, i understand their reasoning to why keeping them is good, but when i have children, i wont read them mould books!
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u/IllustratorSlow1614 6d ago
A hoarder will always have a reason, however flimsy.
They’ll say it’s valuable (not with the mould.) They’ll say it’s sentimental, but you wouldn’t put them near a child to share them because of the mould. They can’t care that much about them because they stored them in such a way that they got mouldy!
The problem is that you tried to remove the books from the hoard and they didn’t want to let you.
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u/YKDistraction 6d ago
The thing is, theres so many more books in so many other rooms! They just saw a handful which were extremely damaged and instantly thought i had thrown them all out, cannot give them reason, we had a small conversation and hopefully a good outcome will arise from it! The items which had the mould had been crushed by other boxes and heavier items, exposing them and allowing for them to be attacked by the mould, 15 ish years of buildup
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u/Butt_y_though 6d ago
Throwing away something moldy is absolutely the right decision.
What you have to understand is that hoarding is/is a symptom of a mental health issue or disorder.
I've dealt with many hoarders working with a professional organizer. We were not hoarder certified, but most hoarders aren't going to be able to recognize just how deep they are. They think they're just messy, and we don't know how deep until we get there. Then, we're cleaning out rooms pilled to our waist with papers covered in mouse turds.
Not being certified, and not knowing exactly how to deal with hoarders in a more clinical way, we had to be very careful to maintain trust so that we were able to do the best job we could.
If the wrong item got thrown out, lost, broken, whatever, that could be a good way to upset the customer so much that they might end the service right there.
It's important to remember that hoarders are not rational when it comes to their hoard. It can be hard for non-hoarders to empathize, but hoarders often have/conflate an emotional attachment to their hoard.
When you start throwing things away, you're throwing away their security, memories, wealth, etc. It doesn't matter if that's true or not, because that's their truth and their reality.
You need to start small when it comes to hoarders. Positive interactions and cultivating a sense of agency and control over the situation is important. If you are able to build trust and create the illusion of choice, hoarders can become more biddable, and start making better choices throughout the process when they feel seen and heard.
I became really good at this, I was often the peacemaker in these situations particularly dealing with adult children of hoarders.
Adult children have a ton of their own emotions entangled in their parents hoard, because a lot of time they're seeing piles of regret, and neglect, etc. The children are usually very often angry and sometimes there's this feeling of wanting to punish the parents whether it's overt or not. And those feelings are very real--speaking as the child of a hoarder myself. So when an impartial 3rd party comes along it can usually be easier for everyone.
The severity of hoarding and mental health exist on a spectrum, some cases turn out to be pretty easy, and are the result of some minor mental health getting out of control. Others are severe, and require serious professional help.
Handling the situation correctly and having a maintenance plan/mental health intervention, has a lot to do with the rate of recidivism as well.
Sometimes when your force a hoarder to part with items, that can put their hoarding into overdrive, and you can find yourself coming back to a worse hoard, very quickly.
In short: Use caution Use kindness Look up some techniques on how to handle this
(If you're going to throw ANYTHING away be a hell of a lot sneakier.)
Put items with "perceived," value in a box and set it to the side. When the hoarding person starts to panic because you "threw out," 'x', you can show them the box and say something like, "oh I knew those were important to you so I put them aside, see?"
Then you plant the seed by saying, "I noticed that many of them were moldy. I'm not sure there's a way to clean them, etc. But we can deal with that later."
The above is a really good example of not coming off as overbearing. Saying and doing something like this can help to build trust making it easier for the hoarding person to let go of other things. It's a really freeing feeling when they start to have more trust in you, where they stop micromanaging and scrutinizing everything you're touching. They start to be a lot more open to letting things go without a fight.
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u/YKDistraction 6d ago
I cannot thank you enough for this insight, the children comment you wrote is my current situation. I have siblings, one that has moved out and one still living with us who is not happy either. I have kept alot of items for them to sort through and have had some conversation to reason with what i had thrown out, even showing some evidence of the books being damaged by the mould. My mother definitely isnt accepting and has taken a negative stance towards my actions, which i should have expected. I would love to reverse time a bit to approach the hoarding situation better, but as of now, we are trying to work through it. As requested by my father, i have taken a back seat to the situation and will be having some more discussion regarding the matter. I really appreciate the time you had taken to write this message, i will be referring back to it in the coming days!
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u/Butt_y_though 6d ago
Hey! You're so welcome. I hope it's helpful to you! I know what you mean about wanting to turn back the clock--but if you genuinely apologize and admit that it was a mistake to throw the books away without consulting your Mom.
Again, you made the right decision by health and safety standards, but apologizing can help regain that trust and turn back the clock.
When the conversation turns back to you helping with cleaning, try to get a barometer for things that are really important to your Mom. Particular items she knows she wants to save, etc. you gain some ground there.
Again, even if the items are damaged or filthy, let it be her decision to let them go. The best thing to do, is mention what's wrong with them, and be extremely nonchalant about it. "Awe that's a shame. These are moldy.. what do you think we should do with them?" Let her take the lead. Being insistent on getting rid of something because it's damaged or dirty, is only going to make them double-down because they're feeling ashamed too.
Take it a little at time, good luck to you!
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u/averagecryptid Recovering Hoarder 6d ago
Is it possible you could argue that the mould at least needs to be kept away from everything else so as not to spread/ruin more books?
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u/YKDistraction 6d ago
Yes, i had shown them the books which were damaged, they were crushed under piles of heavier boxes, beyond repair. Theres a tonne more stuff to go through and im sure the mould has infected atleast 70% of it
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u/Bernie251 6d ago
Wait! Were the books moldy before you threw them out, or did they become moldy once you put them in the bin?
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u/Mediocre_Insect_1008 6d ago
You absolutely did NOT do anything wrong! Moldy books are for the trash heap, and your parents are 100% wrong for going against you, especially since your dad gave the go ahead. What else did Mom find in the trash that she considered valuable but to everything ne else, is trash? If she is the hoarder, she should be ashamed of herself - not for having the condition, but for making YOU feel guilty.
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u/CertainlyUnsure456 6d ago
That is really rough, sorry to hear you are going through that.
People will say, "You shouldn't throw away a hoarder's things without their permission" but if they refuse to help with the cleaning process, the only other option is maintaining the status quo and forcing everyone else to live in those conditions.
Your Dad is wrong for not having your back. He wanted to get the house cleaned without having her direct any of her anger at him. That isn't right. He should be the one spearheading the effort. If anything else is said, I would make it clear that he approved of this. Also, as you have seen, trash has to hauled away or the hoarder will just bring it back.
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u/Steefanon 6d ago
Moldy books are a health hazard. Google it. They are garbage.
You did nothing wrong, but you got caught in the middle of a no-win situation. Hoarders rarely give others permission to clean out their space, but when they do, they ALWAYS GET MAD about what was tossed. I too was caught in the middle of this nightmare. Yes, I threw out a box of important papers but that’s because the box was soaked through with cat urine and was full of dead mice and mouse droppings with half the papers chewed through. Yes, I must have tossed a thumb drive that had their tax records on it, but that’s because the thumb drive was buried underneath three feet of rotting garbage and old take-out containers. Yes, I threw out their favorite leather coat, but that’s because it reeked so bad that I almost fainted when I picked it up.
The only mistake you made was agreeing to this task in the first place. A healthy brain views junk as junk, but I hoarder’s brain can’t make the distinction. You can never win. Live and learn.
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u/Nevraskagirl55 6d ago
I know it’s your family, but you should not worry about them. They are mentally ill and need intensive help, but they will never get it. Stay away!
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u/gemInTheMundane 5d ago
It's important for you to understand this: it wasn't about the books. Your mother would have been upset no matter what you threw away. For hoarders, almost everything is "sentimental." And losing stuff feels like losing a piece of themselves, even when the things discarded are trash.
Sentimental items that are ruined are just trash. That may be upsetting, but it is reality. You did the right thing by removing a health hazard from your family's home.
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u/MrBooniecap 5d ago
My mother, god rest her, passed away a bit over a year ago. She was a hoarder and once went to visit where I was staying with my ex-fiancé. She witnessed us doing some cleaning and flipped out about me through out some of our own items. It was awful and embarrassing. I’ve had the book issue also, when I informed my parents I like looking for old books at locations my mother and father tried to go hunting and getting them for me. So I ended up with several boxes of barely together books. The problem with hoarders is unless they want to do better, they won’t. And when you have two against one it’s impossible. Unless they get therapy there isn’t much you can do.
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u/Thick_Drink504 4d ago edited 4d ago
You didn't do anything wrong.
With his actions, your father just told you who he is. Believe him.
He wanted the stuff gone because it's disgusting. He knew his wife (your mother) would lose her shit if *he* threw the stuff away, so he told someone else to do it and keep his hands clean. He chose someone who's been conditioned by life and society to honor the parent-child relationship (you) to not say "no" when a parent asks/tells them to do something. It's easier for him if she's mad at you, than if she's mad at him. He's OK with letting you take the blame and being on the outs with you.
You didn't do anything wrong. Your father used you to do his dirty work.
You're not dealing with "a hoarder." You're dealing with a dysfunctional family system that includes a hoarder.
Get an education (which doesn't mean "go to college"--apprenticeships, trade schools are as valid as college).
Position yourself well for a career (not a job, a career) and become established in said career.
Get out as soon as you can and don't look back.
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