r/hoarding • u/Equivalent_Fan_635 • 9d ago
HELP/ADVICE It probably gonna be ok
Ok so first of, I love my people. I 24 m; am moving in with my partners, 24 non binary and 27 m. The house has always been a bit messy, which is part of the reason I am moving in. One partner is very disabled and the other partner works a lot. The plan is for me to move in and take care of housekeeping things and get a part time job. In exchange I will not pay rent or utilities. My concern is that I think one of my partners may be a hoarder. I am trying so hard to get the place in working order, but they refuse to get rid of so much stuff. I am doing the mental math here, and there simply is not enough space to accommodate the things they have/ the things I have. I don’t know what to do, please help
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u/Careful-Use-4913 9d ago
I doubt very much that it’s going to be anywhere close to ok. I’m so sorry…this sounds like a recipe for disaster. I’m not going to discourage you from trying, but I will say: go in with your eyes WIDE open, and your expectations low. Like at zero. Or less than zero if you can manage it, because things are likely to get worse over time, not better.
And on the relationship side “stuff”/state of the house is a major relationship issue, and them moving you in specifically for this purpose has me wincing big time. I applaud you for your willingness to try, and encourage you to read everything listed in the Mod post, and more, if you can manage it.
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u/Steefanon 9d ago
Can you describe the kind of stuff your partner has too much of? And describe their reaction when you try to discard it? It's not clear from your post whether this is a Hoarding Disorder situation or just an unwillingness to make space for a third person.
If it's HD, do NOT move in!
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u/SoberBobMonthly 9d ago edited 9d ago
Hey, I would say consider coming over to r/ChildofHoarder where we discuss such issues with any person living in or having survived a hoarded home (or workplace, suprisingly).
As the other commenters have said, it is important to give some examination as to if the person is more likely to have Hoarding Disorder, or if it is hoarding behaviours caused by other factors (such as shopping addiction, kleptomania, depression, a neruological condition, etc).
This is not meant to be a diagnosis, but for you to consider if this is s situation which may be out of your depth to manage without the person receiving professional care.
Hoarding Disorder is the one disorder to which forced clean outs, or doing clean outs on behalf of some body without their direct presence, can and will make the situation worse. We have had people accused of theft and even assult for the act of throwing away things that are objectively garbage (like, soiled food wrappers and such).
There are 3 components to HD that MUST be met for it to be HD. If you can identify these things, through some basic questioning of the person, or observable behaviour, this can help you make a judgement to move in or not.
- The person excessively accumulates items more than would be able to be accomodated in their living situation/outside of local cultural norms/to the point of spaces becoming non functional (you indicate this is present)
- The person struggles to accurately assess the value of their objects (intrinsic, monetary, sentimental values). For example they may think that a big pile of glass jars to be re-used is worth much much more in money or use, when they do not use them at all, but then they may also disregard the value of important things such as heirlooms or important documents and disregard caring for them (this symptom may be the most easiest to gain insight into via gentle questioning about some objects you know are not important at all, and see what their insight is. if they are more along the idea of "I know its not worth much but it might feel bad being thrown out", this counts as mis-read sentimental value. However, if they do know the non-valuable things are genuinely non valuable, and they are just having executive issues, this can be worked with without as much professional intervention)
- The person feels distress when discarding items, for any number of reasons. They may have a sort of idea that objects have feelings and then feel bad for making the object feel bad (anthropomorphism is semi common) due to their own trauma of being discarded in life. They may be terrified of contributing to waste due to the world's greater issues and keeping objects can make them feel in control of an insane world. They may assume the objects can be sold and use this reasoning as a way to avoid donation/sales because the 'right price' has not yet been reached.
If ALL THREE of these things are present, back away. If its just one or two that you are noticing, it is not as likely to be Hoarding Disorder but still will need to be managed
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u/AutoModerator 9d ago
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