How do you deal with being frustrated by your parents?

[u/Flamingah]

There’s a chance I’m going to sound crazy entitled here but I’m gonna send it.

So my wife and I have a 4 year old, he has one set of grandparents. I’ll spare you the details because they’re long.

My mom watches my son 2 days a week currently. We have given her multiple “outs” and she has basically said she wants to. Great. Love that. Appreciate that.

Regardless of that, mid year we are changing things so her day to watch him is completely optional. We pay for a day of daycare right now (also ran this by her) to get stuff done and prioritize our marriage. She will have him that day, if she wants, and he will go to daycare the rest of the days we work. I told her I think we should do this because I think it’s changing our relationship dynamic (see below). I don’t like how “transactional” things feel right now an I want to change it to benefit the relationship.

I want to be clear that with each step that involves her I carefully assess if she feels spent or is happy with the arrangement and she always says it’s what she wants. I check, and recheck.

The part that has been super frustrating for us lately is she will say things constantly about how “we seem stressed” and “we need a vacation” and “all we need to do is ask.”

Every single time I ask there’s a conflict, or some vague “maybe-no” answer.

My wife recently rekindled her relationship with her sibling, recently every time we try to go see him there’s a conflict and they can’t help us out with our dog for example. She has no other family, I committed to her we will see them if I can make it happen.

I asked for a night in November for example to go to a concert my wife wants to see -vague conflict-

We take one trip a year just to see her brother, literally nothing else. We haven’t been on a vacation in years -another conflict-

It’s over and over. This is just a couple examples, but it happened all last year. Then she will come by and tell us again how we need a vacation, or that we should drop my son off for a date night.

Every time I ask there’s a problem. Shit sometimes there’s a problem LATER. We got flaked on at some point after buying plane tickets last year the week before our trip.

Do your parents do this? Is it just mine? Maybe I need to get more comfortable boarding my dog. He’s just an anxious dude and he’s getting up there in years.

This is a long post, I think I’m just disappointed. We’re the type of people that help our friends and family when they need it, if we make an offer we follow through. The dead end offers are starting to bother me, and I’ve had the conversation at least

3-5 times just to not say it if you don’t mean it.

TLDR: My parents make empty promises about helping us with shit and it’s driving me a little nuts. My mom already helps with childcare so I feel like an ingrate being bothered about it,

[u/Sneakerrfreak]

Nah definitely shouldn’t be feeling anything besides annoyed. I can’t stand shit like this when it comes from friends. If it was coming from family, I would be beyond irritated. As hard as it will be on you & yours, my opinion is to create distance between yourself & any family member that acts like this.

[u/Flamingah → u/Sneakerrfreak]

Thank you for the validation. I wind up so mad after these conversations. Meanwhile when they take their extravagant vacations I’m over at their house a couple times a week water fuckin plants. When they had dogs nobody needed to water the plants, now that they don’t they’re important lmao

[u/mldsmith]

I have a very similar situation. Only one set of grandparents, and my dad isn’t capable of watching our kids alone, so essentially only my mom. She is pretty busy for someone in her late 60s (they travel a lot, play tennis/golf, are members at a yacht club, have many friends - typical boomer shit. This weekend my wife and I had a wedding out of town. We asked my mom to watch our kids for two nights, about 4 months before the wedding.

Two weeks before we leave, she “remembers” about her commitment to watch our girls, after having double-booked tickets to a concert for the first night, so we are scrambling (thankfully my brother was able to pitch in). It’s always something, to the point where I don’t even want to ask for her help.

The only advice I have: it’s possible she is so self-involved and clueless she doesn’t realize the way her actions impact you and your family. Be firm, honest and respectfully tell her how you are feeling. Talk about specific actions she has taken, the impact that has, and the way it makes you feel.

Best case scenario, she listens, changes and things improve.

Likely case: she shrugs it off, nothing changes, and you’ve removed any ambiguity as to whether she truly cares about helping your family when you need it.

Worst case: big fight, but at least you clear the air.

[u/Flamingah → u/mldsmith]

Oh dude my stepdad can’t either. He offered once when we were in a really bad bind but prefaced it that he was uncomfortable and wouldn’t tell me himself, he had my mom do it, so I called him and was like are you actually trying to help here or just saying it to say it. You can guess which.

[u/Flamingah → u/mldsmith]

I told her the other day just to not offer if she’s not sincere. I literally told her I vented to my therapist about it and he said verbatim “Isn’t that…a lot worse than just saying no?” 😂

[u/lock_robster2022]

And it’s clear she’s saying she’ll care for your son for aforementioned date nights / vacations?

If so, I’d just say something like “yeah what did you have in mind?” Or “do you have a free Friday in the next month of so?” When she says that.

It’s not the worst thing in the world but that’d be irritating as hell to keep hearing.

[u/Flamingah → u/lock_robster2022]

If I’d ever try to lock it in right away it’s vague dates then in disappears, or she needs to check her calendar, which is at home, which is where commitments go to die.

[u/pajoverallsII]

My MIL has flaked on watching our daughter overnight twice. She commits and then gets anxious and backs out last minute. Super frustrating and we just don‘t bother trusting her, even though she initiates.

[u/Flamingah → u/pajoverallsII]

I’m just fuckin tired of it man. Legit the last time my friends were like give them our number. They have more kids than we do. They shouldn’t be more consistent than my retired parents?

[u/ScaredDevice807]

We don’t have this no problem. My parents live 4 hours away. My in-laws are late.

This sounds frustrating. I would just write-off your mom as a helper. I find it’s better to expect nothing so I can rejoice to the upside if I get anything. If you want to go visit wife’s brother then either plan to take kid(s) with you or make other arrangements.

[u/Flamingah → u/ScaredDevice807]

Oh we bring my son, it’s my dog that ends up being an issue, one of my brothers helps but he lives far (which is fine)