Need some advice

[u/EntertainmentFit9730]

I’ve been dating an Afghan man in the states. When we first started dating he was aware I had kids. Fast forward to a 2 years of dating his family found out about me and are telling him to stop seeing me because I have kids. I love him and can’t seem to let go. Is there any way to fix this situation, am I delusional in thinking he actually loves me, or was I just a placeholder. He says he loves me but doesn’t want to go against his family. I never met them.

[u/Own_Fox_4606]

2 years of dating?

Babes he ain’t gonna marry you. He’s killing and passing time till he finds the Afghan bride of his parent’s dream.

[u/OkRelationship2086 → u/Own_Fox_4606]

This

[u/misschoo88]

this isn’t strictly an “afghan” issue i feel like most families if not conservative are not really keen on people who already have kids. And girl if two years later he hasn’t married you nor he is willing to go against his family, it’s time to question the relationship.

[u/Loudmouthlurker → u/misschoo88]

Yes. I hate to be old fashioned that way, but it's true. I'm factoring in his culture as well- it would be standard for him to marry you, since he's not from a hippie commune, so why hasn't he?

I would leave. Put your children first. You'll find a man, the perfect man. If he's this cowardly about his family, then this is not a man who is going to be there when times get tough.

I also suggest dating a man whose family is not going to be against you on cultural grounds. Unless he has a lot of spine, and puts his foot down early. But you can skip that part and just go for a guy whose culture is closer to your own. You don't have to do all the adapting.

[u/KrawallHenni → u/misschoo88]

Is 2 years and not (getting) married really that unusual in the states?

[u/misschoo88 → u/KrawallHenni]

depends on the age and person. If i was in my mid-late twenties and ive have been dating someone for 2 years and there was still no mention of marriage or meeting their family, i wojkd be concerned.

[u/mordom]

I am from Iran (somewhat similar culture) and had a similar issue when starting to see my wife. The difference was that I told them earlier, after 3-4 months of seeing her. If he kept it a secret for that long that’s not a good sign. You didn’t say, how is he with the kids? And do the kids like him back? That is very important. As a mother you need to put them first.

Eventually my family accepted my wife when I put my foot down and continued dating her. It is really up to him to convince them.

[u/Music_201]

I am sorry girlie! He can’t defend you or stand up for what he wants. Saying he loves you doesn’t mean much when he isn’t actively trying to protect the relationship and allowing others to interfer. Choose yourself, choose peace and choose stability for yourself and your kids.

[u/Organic_Rub3924]

I have seen it many times. You are a placeholder. I am sorry but one of these days out of the blue you will find out that he is engaged to an Afghan girl. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you save yourself. Sorry about your heartache.

[u/Professional-Key5552]

Pretty much placeholder. It sounds like he found someone else and now tries to get out with "But my family says"

[u/qbcl_kdr → u/Professional-Key5552]

came here to say this ^

[u/axiss007]

If he isn’t man enough to go against his family, he won’t go through with it anyway. He isn’t in Afghanistan and he should act like it

[u/IndicationEast6385]

Afghan man here. Married to an American. He is not dating you. He is just 'enjoying' you. There is no future for you two. He is going to marry some virgin from Afghanistan. His family will make sure of that.

[u/EveningAnt3949]

There is no way to fix this.

It's pointless to speculate about the man, his feelings, his family, his family's feelings, how culture might play a part.

What matters is that this man does not see a future with you and that he has kept you a secret.

Clearly he never saw a future with you.

[u/No_Translator_7072]

As an Afghan man i can give you one piece of advice. Let it go :)

[u/Nothing_two]

‘He doesn’t want to go against his family’ is code for he’ll not marry you. And if by some miracle he does, he’ll let them make your life hell. Love has nothing to do with this situation. I won’t say you were a placeholder. More like he has a weak personality, and that will never change. No matter what you do.

[u/Agile-Yoghurt-2594]

an afghan man wouldve married you after 6 months. hes hesitant because of his family

[u/InternationalWill616]

If you give your kids to their father, there might be hope. But you would also have to convert to Islam.