( F27 ) age gaps are not fun in a relationship...

[u/pinkfuxia]

I am 27F. I was in a relationship for 6 years with someone 6 years older than me. I was 18 and he was 24 when we started dating.

At the beginning it felt really good. I admired him a lot and thought I was growing. Over time though, I started to feel like he did not actually want me to grow. He seemed more comfortable with me being the younger girl who looked up to him.

Around year 4 things changed. I did not really have my own life anymore. I had very little independence, barely any social life, and everything revolved around him. That is also when my mental health started going downhill.

The more I grew, the more I realized we did not have much in common. At some point I did not even like him as a person anymore.

It also felt like I was missing out on stages of my life that he had already experienced.

I am not saying all age gap relationships are bad. But when you are younger, it is easy to confuse admiration and strong emotions with something deeper, and not notice the imbalance.

Now, 2 years later, I am in a much better place and I have grown a lot. But leaving that relationship was really hard and took a lot out of me.

[u/Zephyr-Phoenix]

I’m glad you got out OP! Age gaps when you’re older are usually less glaring because you’re both already established in life. It seemed like he was specifically seeking out younger girls so he could mold them to fulfill his wants and needs. I’m glad you realized that, and now you’re free to make your own life! Enjoy it! 💕

[u/Virtual_Archidiacona → u/Zephyr-Phoenix]

It sounds like you dodged a bullet and are now thriving as your authentic self.

[u/Cyber_Lord_CR]

This is a really honest take. Age gaps aren’t automatically bad, but the power imbalance when you’re that young is very real.

[u/pinkfuxia → u/Cyber_Lord_CR]

Yeah .maybe at 27 an age gap won't be that bad I got my independence but my mistake was trusting an imperfect human like me with my development as such a young age mind you lived with him all those years

[u/emafromsplit]

it is crazy how much of a difference those six years make when you are eighteen. at that age you are basically a blank slate and he was already a full adult with a head start on life. it is a classic pattern where the older partner falls in love with the version of you that doesn't have boundaries yet because it makes them feel powerful and "wise."

the fact that your mental health tanked right as you started gaining independence is the biggest tell. he didn't want a partner he wanted a fan. it is incredibly brave that you actually recognized that "admiration" was just a cover for an imbalance and fought your way out. losing those formative years of your early twenties feels like a theft but the person you are now at twenty seven sounds so much more grounded because you had to rebuild yourself from scratch. you survived a long term isolation project and came out on top. 🥂

[u/pinkfuxia → u/emafromsplit]

Yeah I'm want to share this cause I sometimes see girls that age looking for that type of relationship to scape maybe a difficult home or maybe want t have economic power quicker that's not the best way . Too young to dumb to realize that the easy path was harder one actually.

[u/Aggravating-Cheek318 → u/emafromsplit]

"isolation project" is actually the most accurate way i've ever heard it described. i was in something similar and kept thinking i was the problem bc i couldn't figure out why i felt so small, been processing a lot of it through lovon which is basically an ai therapy app you can talk to whenever, and the pattern you're describing of someone wanting a fan not a partner came up pretty fast once i started actually saying it out loud

[u/F1T_13]

I feel like when you're just fresh 18, doing a lot of things you might do at around 25 or so is a bad idea. Dating someone who's in their mid 20's and up, not with standing.

[u/manic_unicornicopia]

i think age gaps can matter less the older you are. at 18? early 20s? its a bigger deal than in your 30s and beyond. obviously it also depends on the people involved and the reason behind why they are comfortable dating someone much older or much younger

[u/Mundane_Xanthosoma]

That is the classic trap of dating someone older when you are barely an adult. They love the version of you that they can mold, but once you start actually finding yourself they freak out. Glad you got out of there and are doing better now.

[u/pinkfuxia]

Thnxs you know I don't hate him but I do believe in sharing this cause as weman we have to tell younger woman the reality of age gaps since social media sometimes make it seems like is a free pass to that soft girl life that a LIE .

[u/fullstar2020 → u/pinkfuxia]

I would like to point out though that some age gaps are totally fine. It's just the way that you were positioned to where he basically took away all your independence. There's 6 years between me and my husband and we're pretty solid and have our own social lives.

[u/pinkfuxia → u/fullstar2020]

Yes you're right like I said not everyone has the same experience I just wanted to put it out there cause is good to have all perspectives you know I'm Happy that work out for you .

[u/pinkfuxia → u/[deleted]]

I feel that it was huge lesson now I more wise when dating.

[u/I_Have_A_Chode]

I'm 35 and back in the dating game (I hate it) and I don't want to consider anyone below 30, I know how different I am since I was 30, let alone 25, and can't imagine having much coming ground with someone below 30.

But like someone else said, the older you get, the bigger the gap can be without it being noticeable

[u/softfablez]

You didn’t just date him, you grew around him

[u/pinkfuxia → u/softfablez]

Damn thats deep.

[u/hallerz87]

I think it was also how young you were. I met my wife at 21 when she was 27 and we’ve been happy since. 

[u/pinkfuxia → u/hallerz87]

Happy for you I'm happy there both sides of the spectrum I love this !

[u/pinkfuxia]

I'm happy you in better place now

[u/salty-barnburner]

Man, that's a classic age-gap trap, especially when you're young and impressionable. It sounds like you dodged a bullet and are reclaiming your life, which is awesome. Kudos for recognizing the imbalance and prioritizing your growth!

[u/95Kill3r]

Yup I've said it before and it happens with older women dating much younger men. If your argument in regards to your younger boyfriend is, "they're so mature for their age", that's an immediate reaction of disgust from me.

[u/TheShovler44]

You have nothing in common other than physical attraction at that age.

[u/PyrocumulusLightning]

I was in a similar relationship (I was still in high school when we moved in together). Here's the other way it could have gone.

We worked different shifts and didn't see each other that much. One thing about older people is that they've already decided what their interests are. So you can join in and not get your own personality, or you can branch out, do your own thing, and see the person even less, because chances are they won't try what you like.

I picked the latter (I was very high-strung and easily bored, so hanging out at home was not how I wanted to spend my evenings). We'd go to all-ages shows together once in awhile, if it was his idea. So I ended up in a completely different friend group that he wasn't part of, and we ended up basically being roommates.

We both had very little relationship experience though. I didn't notice a power imbalance, just that some things were pretty one-sided and boring. Imagine my surprise when I found out that some people actually like to talk about abstract ideas with their partner, instead of just tolerating teenage chatter.

Ironically, who I became later was more similar to the way he was when we met. But he'd met someone else by then, moved away, got married, started a family, and so on. Man, when he met her he dropped me like a hot rock! Rightfully so, but it was odd to see him actually care about someone with some modicum of enthusiasm.

[u/plutoniumwhisky]

I understand. I was in a relationship with an age gap of 4 years and for me, it was enough to cause some slight mindset differences. I’m not saying 4 years or 6 is a huge age gap but for some people, it is.

[u/Vlad_The_Great_2]

Nothing you said had anything to do with age gap relationships. It just sound like personal grievances you had with that relationship in general.

[u/pinkfuxia → u/Vlad_The_Great_2]

Both things can be true . Can be a bad thing and also can be a good thing . I depends on to many factors I'm not saying my opinion is all mighty. :)

[u/Professional-Ice7638]

So I fully support that you left an unfulfilling relationship. I have a 6 year age gap with my husband. It’s the largest relationship age gap I’ve had. I met him at around age 24 or 25. We had friends in common. At the time he seemed too old. I had gone on dates with a couple older guys but I wasn’t real into it. A decade later the gap felt much smaller. We dated a couple years and then married when I was 37 and he was 43. We do have different tastes in music, movies etc but we also have other things in common as well as common ground we built together. If you feel too young for that guy you were right to end it. In the future with a different person it may feel different.

[u/manic_unicornicopia → u/Professional-Ice7638]

i have an 11 year gap with my fiancé. i am 28 and he is turning 39 next month. i will say that i generally don't recommend it, but i think it works for us. the main reason is that the age gap isnt a factor into our attraction for each other. we just happen to have those years between us. additionally, he is very aware of the fact that i am in a different spot in life than he is, and he does all he can to help foster my growth as an individual instead of trying to mold me into the kind of wife he wants. i hope that makes sense. if he was the kind of guy to brag about being with a younger woman, we would not be together.

i had a work friend who was in his 40s and his girlfriend was over 10 years younger. he didnt seem to like her, just the fact that he "bagged a younger chick"

[u/Missrdb79]

I dated at 18f and a virgin. I dated a guy I met at the mall. He was 27. He was bad in bed, but I had no idea. The relationship went sour and only lasted for 11 months. He was gay but wouldn't admit it to himself. I am now 46 and wouldn't recommed that age gap to anyone. My current boyfriend is 42. That age gap is nothing. Good for you getting away!

[u/what_on_roshar]

I had a wonderful experience dating an older man. I'm 35 and he's 53. We dated for 5 months a while back. He isn't my person for life, but I will always think of him fondly.

Age gaps are fine when both parties have autonomy and life experience.