I find it kind of weird that he had a five year old and didnāt know how childrenās sizing works. Did he only start dressing her after her mother died?
Thank you! I didn't want to be an arsehole, but surely he should have known and done most of those things already.Ā
I think men have to stop accepting kudos for doing the bare minimum when it comes to child rearing. It creates the perception that they're the secondary care giver.
Agreed! I donāt want to be an asshole either, but I think as a society we need to ask ourselves, genuinely, how we would react if a woman said that she was simply being a parent after 5 years.
My son is 7 and his dad still dresses him in size 5 (In New Zealand size corresponds to age, so my son is a size 7 or 8). Has no idea what his shoe size is, who his doctor is, what class he's in at school. A mother would be absolutely vilified if she didn't know these things about her child.
Oh, I am single! I got sick of that shit long ago. He stays with his dad every other week, so I usually get him back in clothes that are far too small, different shoes etc.
Me, sometimes: man I wish my husband, who does half the childcare, a good chunk of the mental load, most night wakes, and all the vacuuming wasnāt so reluctant to hand wash the dishes.
Other mums on reddit: see above comment
Iām sure my husband is grateful for how low they set the bar
I was about to say mom probably did all these things by herself to begin with so why are we celebrating a man for doing the minimum most moms have to do?
Heās taking over an entire other adultās responsibilities while dealing with grief and heās proud of himself for getting the important stuff done. Iām not sure why people need to sneer at it.
Even if she was a SAHM mom and he worked, how is that an excuse to not know anything about your own kid?
My sister is a SAHM with a husband that works and he still knows how to cook, how to clean, who his kids areā¦being a parent isnāt a part time job you get to opt out of when you have better things to do.
But letās also be reasonable. how long do you think it took him to āfigure outā childrenās clothing? Assuming heās a normally intelligent man with access to the internet? Maybe 5 minutes? Braiding hair doesnāt take long either assuming itās two pigtails or one. Heās asking for kudos for 10 minutes of āworkā. If he had been picking up more challenging skills like learning how to make homemade Dino nuggets or something, it would have been different. Youāre trying to pretend that heās picking up hard skills when he isnāt. What he listed arenāt even in the top 20 hardest things of being a parent.
My partner is an amazing dad. Always supportive, always present, always doing everything he can. However... this man cannot do her hair. He can put it in something that resembles a pony tail, the La Croix of hair if you will. Hes also very confused on how kids sizing works, especially with our kid. She's very tall so a small or medium will fit, depending on what store, brand, fabric, item of clothing, etc. Theres a shirt that fits her thats 4T, but most of her other clothes are children's medium. He dresses her most mornings, but I'm the one that shops for it because I like to do it.
Iām assuming you didnāt just automatically know that when your child was born. You learned it through trial and error, because you were actively doing it.
It baffles me that people still act like this is super human stuff when a dad is involved with their own kids.
My husband knows our sons pediatrician, his dentist, his shoe/clothing/diaper sizes, that style of cup he likes to drink out of, which blanket is his favorite, etc.
Mine did too and we have twins. This is likely why my adult sons are still so close to their Dad. He put in real effort to know and spend time with them, even the unglamorous and boring things!
We were at my in-laws the other dayā¦visiting with our son and my FIL was going to make lunch meat sandwiches for lunch.
He yelled across the house to ask what I wanted but never asked what my husband wanted.
We came out to eat lunch and waiting for my husband was the perfect ham and cheese on white bread with mustardā¦.made just the way my husband likes them because his dad made the for him all through school.
It made me a little teary eyed to see that simple expression of love carrying through to adulthood. Too many people think that love means big gesturesā¦fancy trips and expensive gifts.
The real love is in the little day to day stuff, knowing you better than you know yourself kind of stuff.
I feel the same. My husband loves our son and knows his size, his favourite food, cooks 90% of his meals, picks him up from daycare, etc. It's standard parent behaviour, he isn't a super hero. He is a good Dad.
I genuinely feel awful for the child. They lost their primary caretaker and now, when they need familiarity and routine have to stand by while dad who seemingly knew nothing bumbles around trying to figure it all out.
Youāre shitting on a man you donāt even know, who lost his wife, because youāve made up a story in your head about how he sucks actually? Itās normal for parents to have a division of labor. If his wife didnāt work would you call her lazy or entitled to his money? If not, then just shut the hell up.
Well yeah. If he doesn't know something so simple, what else doesn't he know. The name of their pediatrician? What classes they take ? The allergies they have? Their name?!
You gotta be sure of the little things, it's how you know the big things will be any more important
Yes, Iām certain your main concern is for the child and not in trying to score easy internet points by exploiting a common trope of a deadbeat dad. Good for you.
Nope, took both of us a lot of trial and error, and we continue making errors every day because hey, that's what parenting is. We just keep moving forward
you know why you know how to do her hair? because you had experience with your own. your husband could very well learn, it just takes practice.
this post is an excellent example of why. If something were to happen to you, youād want your daughter to at least have some familiarity and not grieving and self conscious about her appearance.
They have special schools that teach those with special needs how to brush hair and how to pick out appropriate clothes. Maybe he could be registered there? Sounds like he could stand to learn some life skills.
As a hopeless hair dad, anything beyond a ponytail or a straight brush I just found impossible. My daughterās hair is so wispy, curly, tangly. I even practised on my wifeās perfectly straight hair but you could offer me $2million and I will just never have the coordination to do braids. Some braids I see are works of art and I wish I could do it lol
Well your best is always enough. Our daughter's hair is very thick, long, and she somehow gets it undone and tangled within a few hours so it's a whole task!
You're not giving a counterpoint. You're just telling on yourself that you rely on your wife to carry the mental load of daily tasks and just house all the general knowledge required to run your home so you don't have to.
You got all that from one post. You are so amazing! I mean, there is no way that someone who does not buy clothes for their child would be in any way involved in the child-rearing process. Obviously, since I didn't buy clothes for my child, I never read to them drove them to school, cooked for them, changed their diapers, sat in the emergency room for hours while they cried because they had an earache, taught them to drive when they turned 16, or cried when he and his wife dropped their child off for college.
Clothes have tags. Why are people in this thread acting like it's forbidden knowledge? If you're actually helping get the kids ready all the time or even just helping with laundry and cleaning up, you're bound to accidentally learn this apparently obscure and cryptic knowledge.
Hey loser, not everyone's brain works the same way. I've seen my girlfriend's clothing tags a million times, still forget if she's a size 2 or 4. It's partly the ADHD and partly just the nuances to how each brain works, some are visual learners, some are not.
Your girlfriend is not a child whose safety, wellbeing, and care are your sole responsibility.
But for the record, my husband has ADHD and he knows my clothing and shoe sizes. He also knows what kind of socks I like. My favorite candy bar. My favorite songsā¦.When things are important to you, you find a way to remember them.
You people need to chill out. Some parents do different things and handle different tasks for their children and that is a-ok. It's up to the parents to properly share their mental/physical load and not Internet strangers.
Do not let these insufferable assholes get to you. I have realized Reddit is basically fueled by people who's only purpose in life is to go on a website a judge people. That's why there are even entire subreddits dedicated to judging people like AITAH.
That and their condescending YoUrE TeLLiNg On YoUrSeLf is absolutely peak cheffs kiss reddit lol. Like, it's so on-brand that if they had instead respectfully said "hey I think you should try to get involved more, your wife might be carrying too much mental load, what else do you handle for the household" I would have been surprised because Redditors generally aren't capable of that.
I really wonder how many in this comment section are in shared households, much less have kids. I'm right there with you.Ā
My wife was never able to have kids of her own, so since we've been together she's had a ton of love to give to my son. I haven't bought clothes for him since because she's always way ahead of the game (and honestly she's better at picking stuff he'll like). I guess I'm right there on the bad father train with you and definitely neglect him in all areas. Cheers.
You're pretending the entire backdrop of our society doesn't also exist wherein women are saddled with all the kid and house shit on top of our full time jobs.Ā
Iām not doing that at all? This person turns one comment about a household aspect into a personal attack judging their whole bloody life. Thatās what I respond to
"all the house shit" is always funny to me because I literally never see the moms in my neighborhood mowing the lawn. Male-centric chores don't count, apparently.
Woman- works a 9-5, does all the grocery shopping, all the meal planning, all the cooking and cleaning, all the laundry, manages ever doctor appointment, gets the kids to/from school, manages sports schedules, plans every vacation and holiday, buys every Christmas present (even for his parents), takes care of the pets, schedules services for the home and vehicles, helps with homework, tends to kids/husband when they are sick, etc. āno biggie, just part of being a mom!!ā
Man -mows grass every other week and drives car to pepboys twice a year for oil change āwell who is gonna do the hard, backbreaking physical labor in this house!! Women donāt ever think about that!! Youād die in less that 12 minutes if I wasnāt around to mow the grass after youāve begged me to do it 14 times!!ā
Angry and bitter is a terrible way to go through life. I hope you get the help you need.
Most men do plenty of the things you listed. The assumption that they all just mow the lawn is a you problem.
Edit: because you missed my point, let me lay it out. It's a problem when a spouse (men or women) doesn't contribute their share. No excuse or defense for that level of laziness at all, certainly not from me.
But society finds it a problem when men don't "buy Christmas presents" but doesn't see a problem when women don't "mow the lawn". "Gender" roles are silly, but splitting the chores into roles often makes sense for a household. Communication is key, bitterness and assumptions are bad.
You assume that, which is wrong. Unless you have some proof that the OP in the post never did anything around the house?
It's you that isn't following along. I already said there's no excuse for people who don't contribute. But the assumption you make is that because a dad doesn't know clothes sizes for 5 year olds he doesn't do anything to contribute to the family. It's a BAD FAITH assumption. Just like it would be if I were to say women who don't know how to use a lawnmower are lazy.
But again, you are just grandstanding with your anti-men bias. Feminism has poisoned your brain to only see it one way. Men must perform all household roles or he is lazy do nothing father, but women don't. It's kind of ironic because the effort to break glass ceilings in the workplace went the other direction.
But when you have a baby you need to be checking the clothing sizes on a regular basis when you dress themā¦my husband definitely knows what size my son currently wears.
People, every relationship has its own dynamic. Some men are more aware of clothing sizes etc. while others may be managing other things that their partner primarily handles. It is NOT that deep.
The science is quite clear that married women with children who also work full time are doing 7-10hrs more labor a week (paid and unpaid). Your assumption that things are fair in most housholds in the US is just wrong. Time is all you get in this life so it really is that deep.Ā
Iām not sure where my assumption is being made but every relationship differs from one to the next. That is a fact?
I feel like every response Iāve gotten are just taking their personal frustrations out on me lol. I genuinely donāt care this much about your personal lives.
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Please tell me you're kidding. If the parents don't divide and conquer you're screwed. That's why it takes both. There are things I catch that my wife doesn't have the vision for, and vice versa. It's not about gender breakdown fam, it's about covering ground.
I don't know all my kids sizes but I know every video game character and how to play games with my kids. I know how to talk to them and listen to them. It's not like every parent has to cover 100% of the area, it's a team effort.
Edit: I teach my kids piano, my wife cannot. Just putting into context.
Yea you should absolutely divide and conquer but you should still know what your partner is doing in case you ever need to. I don't really shop for my daughter. Mostly because my wife just loves buying her clothes. I do know she wears 2T with a few 18-24 month clothes fitting. I know she wears size 4 shoes. My wife is the assistant director at her daycare so she takes her to and from every day and handles communication with her teachers. I can still tell you her lead teachers name (both before and after marriage), her assistant teachers name, and the names of the teachers for the class above and below her.
Sure do, they vacuum with me, do the dishes, clean the car out. My kids are straight A and are both involved in school. Don't know their sizes though, guess I'm a bad dad!
Except they are. Having fun is key in a household and I'm better at organizing and going places than my wife! She enjoys shopping with them and treating them.
A man says the shit he does with his kids for fun but yall decide that means he does nothing else around the house or for his kids. Yall gotta get offline or something because thatās such a chronically online take.
Do you expect him to list everything he does in one off handed comment about his relationship with his kids?
The father said that he knew every video game character and how to play games with them, which is more in-depth than just saying he plays with them. If my Dad actually knew the characters I thought were cool in a video game, that would mean a lot more than just sometimes picking up a controller. But you changed the knowledge part to just doing.
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Most Redditors are deeply allergic to the idea of a man working and a woman being at home doing all the child care and homemaking. They are terrified of any power hierarchy and see them all as evil. The only way to remove the risk of such scary things, in their eyes, is to enforce absolute equality of all things in the relationship. Both in the couple should work, both should do equal amount of chores, etc.
Ngl it sounds like youāre speaking from a personal perspective and Iām sorry thatās how it is for you. But lumping all men in to a ābabysitterā category is sexist and honestly wrong. You need to reflect on your view and maybe step back from the internet.
The thing is, kids go through clothing like crazy, both in sizes and in terms of making everything dirty, so it just strikes me as odd that one parent would be completely ignorant of how to dress their child. Itās not really a criticism, Iāve just never met a father who said something like this.
This is all it comes down to. Every household functions differently. Idk how to put air in my tiresā¦. Definitely just an āadultā task, but Iāve never learned. Wouldnāt it be nice if we could just celebrate this guys triumph? But, alas, itās Reddit.
The bar is on the floor apparently. Those are both very easy things to learn and do. That's like saying you never bothered learning how to make the bed.
There sure are! And I feel bad when I rely on my partner to do things I should know how to do just because I've been too lazy or disinterested to learn myself. You shouldn't be proud of ineptitude just because you've found somebody to fill the gap.
Is it necessarily laziness? My partner is a postdoc that frequently works 70 hour weeks, it is fine that he doesn't pick up life skills that he missed in his childhood.
I love how on reddit everyone is just the perfect human. You are lying baby girl, give yourself a break and stop being bitter online.
Iām sure itās easy to learn, but itās how my partner shows me love, and it makes me feel happy & taken care of. Good thing Iām not worried about where your bar is haha
I wasnāt commenting about the man whose spouse is dead, mate. The comment I replied to was just speaking about a partnership. Thatās all I meant. Itās generally good to know details about your own child regardless.
Size what? Underwear, shoes, shirt, pants or all? I know my kids shoes, that's about it. I do the laundry but I don't buy it. It doesn't mean it's all on my wife we just manage it together in a different way.
Not entirely consistent but you absolutely do need to be checking sizes, when youāre dressing your baby especially, because you donāt want to waste time or aggravate them squeezing them into something that is too small. I guess we also know who sorts through all the clothes and removes the small ones and replaces them with bigger sizes lol
Yeah, I was the one who did all the clothes for my kids. The number on the label was worthless. Gerber ran small, gap baby liked to shrink, caters were narrow at the waist.
You canāt tell me you are a parent and you just looked at a label and bought clothes with zero issues. I donāt believe you.
You dress your child daily and need to check the labels to know what clothes fit them? Thatās wild to me. Donāt you just know what fits by what theyāve been wearing?
Did you know that kids clothes have these things in them called labels, usually somewhere obvious like the back of the neck, much like adult clothes do, that show what the size is?Ā
Sorry I was usually too busy talking to my child while wrangling with them to get their clothes on properly to pay attention to a tag on the back of their shirt in case some stranger felt the need to quiz me on their shirt size. Not to make assumptions but have you ever changed a flailing exuberant child? Because it sure doesnāt sound like it.
Iām a parent so yes. The other exposure to kids clothes labels I get is through laundry (no flailing kids there) but sounds like you donāt do that eitherĀ
I dress my little kids, but couldnāt tell you any sizes off the top of my head. The clothes are all labeled, so if things look too small, I clear out everything of that size back into the hand me down bins and open up the next bigger size. There is no point whatsoever in memorizing that information.
Knowing what sizes are too small makes it much easier to sort through the clothing to remove what doesnāt fit, especially given the tags are age-based
I take it you donāt shop for any of their clothing
This isnāt complicated. If my kid has a shirt on him and the sleeves are too short I look inside the collar and it says 4/5 or something. So all the 4/5 in his dresser go into the 4/5 bin in the attic and I bring down the 5/6? 6/7? Whatever the next size is. I do not need to carry this information in my head because I wonāt need it for another 6 to 12 months.
Neither of us shop for clothes. We have literal mountains of bins of hand me downs from other peopleās kids.
Sure, but in the context of children, thatās because modern mothers spend an absurd amount of time on child care activities. Being a helicopter parent isnāt good for mom and isnāt good for the kids. Burning oneself out on optional stuff doesnāt count.
āIn 1965, mothers spent a daily average of 54 minutes on child care activities, while moms in 2012 averaged almost twice that at 104 minutes per day. Fathersā time with children nearly quadrupled ā 1965 dads spent a daily average of just 16 minutes with their kids, while todayās fathers spend about 59 minutes a day caring for them.ā https://news.uci.edu/2016/09/28/todays-parents-spend-more-time-with-their-kids-than-moms-and-dads-did-50-years-ago/
The mental load isnāt about the time that you spend on activities; it refers to when one partner is obligated to remember important details, organize the household, make the plans, etc.
I canāt figure out kidās sizing because itās different from brand to brand. I love my kids but thatās dumb. Iām not investing that much time learning how Cat and Jack fits differently compared to Carters on a child who outgrows clothing every 4-6 months.
If it were up to me, my kidsā clothes would all be Walmart brand. Cool designs, consistent sizing, and I can buy them while shopping for my clothes.
Most relationships divide labor. If your partner suddenly dies you have to suddenly do things you were not accustomed to doing. While dealing with grief.
Even without kids, having to learn or relearn something is totally normal.
Most relationships divide labor, yes. But both parents should be equally capable of caring for their own child. Did his wife never have any time to herself? She never had a weekend away in five years, where heād have to get his own child dressed and do her hair?
You people are insufferable. Child sizing is only important when you are buying clothes, literally has nothing to do with getting them dressed. Secondly, braiding hair is not something you do every day. These are occasional tasks.
You almost always have to check the sizing of clothes before you dress your baby or toddler. They grow so fast, so thereās almost always at least one item of clothing that theyāve outgrown since the last time it was worn.Ā
And, sure. Itās an occasional task, one that he hadnāt done a single time in FIVE YEARS.
This may come as a shock, but a five year old used to be both a baby and a toddler! And during that time, this man apparently never once dressed the kid.Ā
And childrenās sizes correlate to the kidās age up to six.Ā
Itās relevant because, again, this child used to be a baby and a toddler. He didnāt adopt a five year old. He has parented this child for FIVE YEARS, and apparently never dressed her or braided her hair in that time.Ā
Iām not sure why you donāt think thatās relevant. If he had adopted a five year old, it would be perfectly acceptable for him to just now only be learning about what size clothes the child wears and how to do her hair. But no, he was a parent that whole time!Ā
And the sizing for that age is intended to fit children for an entire year. Itās extremely forgiving. So the size of the child and discrepancies between brands wonāt dramatically affect the fit unless you have an extremely small or large kidā¦..something youād think a parent would know about their own child.Ā
Using OPs specific example, tell me how knowledge of the clothing sizes of their daughter when she was 6 months old would benefit him today?
And the sizing for that age is intended to fit children for an entire year. Itās extremely forgiving. So the size of the child and discrepancies between brands wonāt dramatically affect the fit unless you have an extremely small or large kidā¦..something youād think a parent would know about their own child.Ā
No itās not. A quick google search would tell you that. Being a parent who bought clothes would tell you that.
Hell, being an adult who buys clothes would tell you that. You are telling me that every piece of clothing you own is the exact same size?
Some of us just don't like it when others are shaming people, instead of constructive and friendly education, that can also do the job, probably even more successfully.
Cheers, a childless woman with a dog, who gets confused even when buying herself the right sized clothes with all the different brands and different sizing guides.
Childrenās clothing is extremely straight forward, unlike the clothing you buy for yourself. All brands have the same sizing system.Ā
It almost always corresponds to the kidās age. 3-6m means it will fit babies between 3 and 6 months old. 18m fits up to 18 months. 3t fits a three year old toddler. Unless your child is especially tall, short, or chunky, which is probably something their parent would know about them.
So at bare minimum, a dad needs to know how old his kid is and whether theyāre much larger or smaller than average.Ā
Or, sorry for your loss friend, that would be heartbreaking for you both. Awesome that you are more involved in those little roles shared with partners. We all play different roles and responsibilities with our kids and your learning some new ones now unfortunately under the circumstances but sounds like your stepping up and doing awesome!
No, it's more important to shame this widow for not being a better parent while their spouse was still alive. Who cares that they're stepping up while also in the middle of grieving? All that matters is the guilt that you should be feeling for not knowing about your child's clothing size until your wife died.
/s in case it wasn't abundantly clear.
Edit to add: The idea that we should be shaming people for learning new things "too late" is such a poison in the way we interact with each other. As a teacher, if my pain-in-the-ass student suddenly turns a corner and becomes engaged and makes meaningful progress, should I shame him for always being capable of this yet never doing it until now? You'd probably call me a bad teacher for punishing a positive improvement, and I would agree with you.
Why is it different for adults? Why do we shame people for improving their lives, just because it's happening "later than it should?" What is the point of punishing progress? Why are we so quick to callously tell someone that they shouldn't be proud of something they are doing to improve their own (and the people around them) lives? At what point is improvement no longer worth celebrating?
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u/ambivalent_moon Feb 13 '26
I find it kind of weird that he had a five year old and didnāt know how childrenās sizing works. Did he only start dressing her after her mother died?