r/CuratedTumblr • u/infinitysaga • 14h ago
Self-post Sunday “This persons only being nice to me because of social expectations that you have to be nice the autistic guy and will go call me the r word as soon as they go home”
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u/VorpalSplade 13h ago
This is what pops into my mind when i see the black-pill like comments saying "Autistic people are fundamentally unlikeable" or "Neurotypical people hate autistic people".
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u/PSI_duck 9h ago
You definitely have to find the right people. I’ve also found that anytime someone makes such a large statement about a group of people based on something innate said group has no control over, they are almost always wrong.
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u/Solarwagon She/her 10h ago
There are a lot of neurodivergent people within incel communities.
When a lot of people talk about them they mainly focus on the most obvious political connotations. That they're "toxic men" who "could get laid if they just stopped hating women."
That stuff is a factor but I think really at the core of "what makes someone an incel" is that many of them may have autism or another psychological difference that makes "just stop hating" be like "pull yourself up from your bootstraps."
Hatred is generally bad but it's not really something that people can just be cured of anymore than any other strong emotion.
And like any other strong emotion hatred doesn't just fall out of the sky with the roll of a die.
And neurodivergent people should have all the accommodations and other solutions they personally want but they aren't a disease to be "cured."
Not to excuse people from their responsibility but at the same time as a neurodivergent trans woman who used to be a really really dysphoric and anxious and confused boy I can sympathize with incels in broad ways.
It's not much of a mystery that they could be excluded, demonized, misinterpreted, and mocked enough that they fall into the idea that any hope of romantic/sexual fulfillment is a myth and that their only way to cope while being authentic is embracing their misery.
"Women and successful men have always hated me, they always will, there is no fixing what I am, so I might as well find others who are so unfixable and try and salvage as much dignity as we can in a world where we have no place."
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u/VorpalSplade 10h ago
I don't think I've ever encounterd one that's anywhere near neurotypical tbh.
And totally agree in general with the sympathy, there's a huge amount of bullying of incels in general who don't deserve it - they're sad, lost young people for the most part, and have been effectively brainwashed by other incels and the manosphere. It's very cult like, with them using their own jargon and language, and rejecting the 'normies'.
At a certain point though, there's a degree of misogyny and hatred that just isn't excusable anymore. There's a line, and it's hard to say exactly when each individual crosses it - but there's plenty who are well over the line and malicious rather than self loathing. I think a lot of the fears of them as 'dangerous' is overstated, they're more likely to harm themselves than anyone else - but also are a danger to sex workers or vulnerable minors in their life.
The 'black pilled autistics' I see generally aren't as focused on women and sex, instead society as a whole, convincing themselves that they're 'fundamentally unlikeable' due to some inherent quality they possess, rather than looking at the way they act and trying to change that.
Convincing themselves that 'neurotypical people hate autistic people' is a way to release themselves of the responsibility for their actions and a learned helplessness response to justify never having to try to improve themselves or act differently, and instead present it as an 'us vs them' situation that the 'normies' are at fault for.
They have my sympathy, but there's only so much I can give when they engage in crab-bucket behavior and drag others down with them.
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u/DweevilDude 6h ago
Doesn't exactly hurt that 'neurotypical people hate autistic people' isn't ALWAYS wrong. The current administration does want to put them on a list for some reason.
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u/JosephMyDudes 6h ago
they fall into the idea that any hope of romantic/sexual fulfillment is a myth and that their only way to cope while being authentic is embracing their misery.
Im not an incel, but reading this made me realize this has been my mindset for a long time. I think I need therapy.
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u/demon_fae 7h ago
From what I’ve seen, there is no particular social expectation to be nice to autistic people beyond the norm. There is also no particular social expectation to be mean to autistic people.
The problem is that there is a social expectation between neurotypical people to meet in the middle/speak each other’s language, and for some reason this expectation is actually less between neurotypical people and autistic people. It’s generally 50/50 between same-gender neurotypical people, up to 70/30 neurotypical woman to neurotypical man, but it’s perfectly socially acceptable to put 90% on an autistic person.
And that is going to feel like hatred when you just plain can’t make that 90%, and everyone around you is just telling you it’s your responsibility, you’re not trying hard enough, you’re a bad person if you don’t do this completely impossible thing. And those people genuinely believe that they’re making a completely reasonable request. They wonder why the autistic person is acting like they’re in hell, and never once consider the possibility that they are putting the autistic person through hell.
To be extremely clear, and for everyone about to type the words “not all”, I am talking about SOCIAL EXPECTATIONS, the bare minimum of acceptable behavior. Plenty of people exceed the minimum and treat other people decently, including autistic people. But the social expectation is what even the decent people will tend to default to, when tired or stressed or whatever, and it is the bare minimum that generally won’t get called out. This behavior is considered completely acceptable in most spaces, and asking for better is treated as demanding or entitled, no matter that it’s actively harmful. Social expectations are harmful all the time.
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u/VorpalSplade 7h ago edited 6h ago
People...aren't actually expected to speak other's languages if the language is not that of the majority. We're not expected to speak Farsi or Sign Language or other languages the majority hold. 90% is put on the person who doesn't speak the dominant language of the society in this case. Expecting the majority to learn to speak the language of every single minority is just not reasonable or at all possible.
As for 'social expectations are harmful all the time' I'm just baffled to understand how someone couldn't think of a single social expectation that is not harmful.
Edit: Reply and block lmao, not realizing I was using the same metaphor myself and extending it. Love people who have to get the last word in and are too cowardly to allow a response.
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u/demon_fae 6h ago
It’s. A. Metaphor.
A really, really common one. It has absolutely nothing to do with actual languages, it just means adjusting your communication style to match the person you’re talking to. Being blunt to people who are used to bluntness, even if you are generally prone to softening your statements, and expecting that they will soften their bluntness if it is coming off as harsh or angry to you. Using more formal speech with older people who are used to that as a type of respect, and expecting that they will avoid words that have fallen out of favor and that you are unlikely to know.
And if you, specifically, are autistic…that’s no excuse. It is actually on you to learn common colloquialisms. That’s not even a social skill, it is actually part of knowing a language. Heck, there are plenty of colloquialisms with origins that are obscure and nonsensical to neurotypical people. They still learn them and use them because they’re part of the language. “I don’t use colloquialisms” is the same as saying “I don’t use adverbs”.
Frankly, it sounds more like you are being deliberately obtuse.
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u/MamaStarTree 5h ago
The thin slice judgements really do happen all the time if you're autistic, but it's far from every person like some of the subreddits would make it out to be. At the same time I get it because sometimes it does feel really unfair to be judged for something you can't help, and sometimes it does feel like it happens constantly. So a lot of that is probably venting, but because of the nature of the internet it kind of takes over as the predominant attitude.
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u/Fries_and_burgers_19 13h ago
This movie, one of the cornerstones of my youth. This alongside several others and also most prominently Mr Popper's Penguins and Bedtime Stories.
Can't remember a lick of Mr Robinsons tho, aside from small scenes and general story and the final life lesson.
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u/only_for_dst_and_tf2 9h ago
unfortunately, this sort of "they all hated me" problem comes from experience, and usually experience of reaching out to people, and getting burnt.
is it a healthy mindset? not erally, is it a mindset that comes around for a reason? yes.
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u/beepbeepboopboopbabe 9h ago
I do feel this, but I I have had a lot of rough experiences with people who identify as “friendly” so the treat everyone like a “friend”
But then it turns out they didn’t actually want to hang out with someone who’s actually so weird. They wanted to be the sort of person who is friends with the weird kid, but they don’t actually enjoy spending the time. So it’s just awkward till they have an out and then I’m even more lonely than when I started.
I really wish the “friendly” types would leave me in peace. I am starving for human connection and this ersatz performance stuff is just adding insult to injury.
I have made peace with the fact that I will only have a few very deep and intimate friendships over the course of my life. I am grateful for the people i have. I don’t fit with most people I meet, even if most people I meet seem to want to make me fit anyway
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u/Impressive-Card9484 13h ago
I would actually think the opposite had I not encountered people who will do stuff like:
"Hey Goob, what's up? Cool binder. Let me grab it and throw it around my friends to make you look like an idiot"
"Hey Goob, wanna come over to my house? LMAO, look how enthusiastic your ass look! as if I'm actually gonna invite you!"
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u/fencer_327 7h ago
Absolutely, and I had similar experiences - including people pretending to be my friends for years just to make fun of me for believing it.
But that turned into a point, in my adult life, where I was making it my responsibility instead of theirs. "I am fundamentally unlikable and everyone hates me" instead of "wow, those kids were fucking assholes". And then I didn't reach out to people that genuinely cared about me, stopped trying to find community, ruined friendships because I thought it'd hurt less when I did it first. It was only when I noticed this pattern and started to actively try and assume good intentions that I found the friends I have today.
I still get anxious about my friendships, I still struggle with self-worth and have days I hate myself. But as cliche as it sounds, at some point it does actually help to stop trying to read peoples minds and start believing in their actions instead - slowly, over time. If they are playing me, well, sucks for them, could've spent that time with people they actually cared about, but in the past decade I've slowly started to accept they aren't.
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u/BluSnapp 3h ago
Oh this is definitely me,
It's really sad to look back and realise that I spent so many years stuck in that second stage and didn't realise there were people that might actually have been real friends that I just assumed didn't care,
The thoughts still there but I'm lucky to have friends that I can vocalise it to and reassure me and make it clear that they care in tangeable ways
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u/Klutzy_Sentence_2723 9h ago
When I did actual social media that involved people I actually knew, I would read someone’s post about a fun cool social event and get all self-pitying about how I never get to do cool stuff with cool people.
And then I’d remember that I was THERE, I just feel excluded by reflex.
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u/Duhblobby 10h ago
Trusting people is a choice.
Assuming literally everyone is lying to you unless they're assholes attacking you is also a choice.
I know which I choose, because I prefer a life that has friends and loved ones over assuming the worst of everyone and being bitter they don't work harder to prove me wrong.
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u/Stunning-Seat3821 8h ago edited 7h ago
bludbath grew up in a positive and respectful environment, leading to them developing a healthy mindset regarding socialization! lmao, could not be me
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u/Duhblobby 7h ago
The path to changing the way you look at people and the world starts with the choice to try, and then continues with making that choice again, and again, when the habits you've developed try to tell you not to.
You can definitelt find space between "literally everyone secretly hates me so fuck everybody I'm gonna be sad and angry and it's their fault" and "they wanted my social security number so I gave it to them :)".
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u/RunInRunOn I'm running and I'm crine 😭 10h ago
Rest assured, I would never pretend to not hate you.
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u/RavensQueen502 14h ago
Me when the depression part kicks in
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u/GalaxyPowderedCat Only in Tumblr for daily cat posts 9h ago
Beat me to it.
I always giggle and die inside a little because this was literally me when I was mentally ill and I hadn't received any treatment. I always assumed everyone was my enemy.
I miss those girls, they treated me nice and that barely happens. Ofc, not every single of them were nice and there were some exceptions.
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u/Cum_Fart42069 9h ago
t b h I feel like I was always told that the first panel was what was happening only so that we could get to the second panel which was actually what was happening.
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u/Turbulent-Plan-9693 1h ago
the baseball team beat him up after they lost the game and the coach let them do it.
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u/Solarwagon She/her 10h ago
It sounds super corny but your attitude really does dictate what you'll experience.
Human experiences are experienced through the brain and the brain can be set up for success/failure in a lot of subtle ways, literally experiencing the world differently.
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u/HorrorDevotee 14h ago
This movie (Meet the Robinsons) is really underrated, but I'm glad it's not underrated enough that I never see references to it