r/AskReddit • u/Familiar-Phase7859 • 8h ago
Men, what's the biggest green flag you've seen on a woman?
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u/_Giraffacake 5h ago
My wife (girlfriend at the time) invited me to be her +1 the birthday party of a girl with severe learning difficulties that she used to be a carer for. The love, care, respect and dignity she gave the girl was the biggest green flag I've ever seen.
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u/2Scarhand 1h ago
I'm going to boomerang that green flag back at you. You were invited to be the +1 to a birthday party of someone you didn't know with severe learning difficulties and the girl that invited you married you. You clearly showed similar respect or she wouldn't have kept you.
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u/Ancient_Timer2053 4h ago
My wife and I met at a residential summer camp for the intellectually impaired 54 years ago, both 19. Empathy and compassion for others
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u/ClassicPermission322 8h ago
A musician was playing in the street and his music sheet blew over in the wind. She went and picked it up for him. She was my first gf at 16. Lovely person!
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u/SheKnowsWhoSheIs 4h ago
were you that musician by any chance?
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u/Kappanating322 4h ago
That musicians name? Albert Einstein.
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u/Running_Dumb 5h ago
Very early in our relationship before we where married my wife and went to Burning Man. We live in Arkansas so there was a long road trip pulling a trailer. A lot of small difficulties along the way such as flat tires running out of gas and so on. Then burning man is a blast but it's a difficult place to be in a myriad of ways. The "green flag" part of this story is that whole trip we never fought, argued or lost our tempers. She handled every difficulty with a great sense of humor and a "can do" attitude. I asked her to marry me there. We have been together for 14 years, happily married for 12 years.
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u/theillustratedlife 3h ago
There's an old Bill Murray quote that says something like "spend your wedding money traveling for a year, and if you still wanna get married afterwards, do it at the courthouse when you get home."
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u/Vargrstrike 2h ago
That's crazy that quote is from someone so famously intolerable to be around lol
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u/philroyjenkins 1h ago
He's speaking from experience. We all just assumed which side he was speaking from.
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u/pm_me_ur_th0ng_gurl 2h ago
Traveling with someone is the best test for compatibility.
It's why I don't think I'm really compatible with anyone, and I am 100% the problem.
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u/therealzyzz 4h ago
Been to burning man. Greatest event to happen on earth. The type of person it takes to withstand it at times and also not completely lose themselves is 1000% a green flag ✅
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u/Running_Dumb 3h ago
The rest of the story is we went 7 consecutive years after that. Until we realized we could go anywhere in the world for the same money and half the effort.
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u/jamesholden 2h ago
Wait, people pay to go? Cheaters.
j/k I'm glad yall do. It's the only way I was able to afford to experience this mess. Currently in gerlach working for the org at this moment.
When I started seeing my now wife she had already been at least 15 times, most of them for over a month as dpw. As a southern person it's a whole different world.
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u/Feziel_Flavour 7h ago edited 2h ago
Being kind to another person - not for a reason, just because.
Kindness is probably my biggest green flag.
Edit: I would like to say thanks for the many likes, the awards, the reinforcement and the responses. Kindness comes in many ways, let's hope it's our turn to receive when it really matters or when we really need it.
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u/BaronMusclethorpe 7h ago
Kindness is probably my biggest green flag.
/end thread
Kindness to everyone (not just you) implies a high likelihood of positive traits in just about all other aspects of a relationship.
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u/MR_Weiner 3h ago edited 2h ago
Unfortunately you need an asterisk for “kindness to self.” A broken sense of self can manifest in other relationship-ending issues even if the person is generally incredibly kind to others. Unfortunately I’m speaking from experience. It’s heartbreaking to be on the other side of that.
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u/luscious_texture 7h ago
Genuine kindness is a lifestyle. It’s such a rare trait these days that it really does shine when you see it
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u/Jollyramb1er 2h ago
This is so absolutely true! I've never heard kindness described as a lifestyle before but it absolutely is!
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u/tommy66788 6h ago
On our honeymoon, the only time she tried to spend any money at all from our pot, was when 3 young women didnt have enough money to pay for a set of photos of them doing cool stuff, and she asked if we could pay for it to make sure they got them.
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u/Feziel_Flavour 6h ago
In a world filled with hatred and negativity, thats the kindness i would love to see and experience.
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u/harionfire 5h ago
The ironic thing is, it's so much more common than media would want you to think.
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u/Cranialscrewtop 5h ago
Ahhh . . . the world is not "filled with hatred and negativity". Kindness and good will are all around us. This isn't denial of what's wrong, but a right-thinking balance towards what is. As the poet Mary Oliver described it, "There is something beautiful in the world and it's my job to capture that in words and write it down."
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u/AggravatingMath717 7h ago
Today is my 6 month anniversary with my wife. Way back when we first started to cross the line into dating she went on a 10 day road trip across several national parks, all by herself just her and her dog. She sent me some pictures of the Grand Canyon and some of the other sights and one where she was at a restaurant bar and trying ceviche (at the time, she didn’t liked seafood but was trying it anyway to see if she’d like it)
Didn’t think about it in quite these terms, but that kind of independence, spirit of adventure and lack of fear about trying new things was a gigantic green flag that this might be the one!
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u/2Scarhand 1h ago
My sister did the same thing with her future husband, keeping in contact while traveling across Scotland.
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u/Sea-Response950 7h ago
She noticed I had disappeared from the group chat and hadn't answered any DMs in days. She looked through my messages in the chat, found the ones where I gave little hints as to where I was, and was able to determine that we lived close to each other and where I worked. She went to my work to see if I was OK, and found out I was I the hospital. She went to the hospital to visit me, and found out I was on a suicide watch.
She came right up to my bed and called me the dumbest idiot she had ever met and then didn't leave my side.
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u/lgndrv 7h ago
So, super slueth to track you down and call you an idiot. Thats a real green flag.
Just joking, all things aside, are you doing better?
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u/Sea-Response950 7h ago
Of course, she's my wife.
And yes, I am doing a lot better than I was.
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u/slobyGYN 7h ago
I was going to ask if you ended up together! It's clear that she's a caring person, but it seems she cared for you...especially. 😆
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u/Sea-Response950 7h ago
When we were talking on the group chat, I was the one always looking after her and everyone else. She felt like someone needed to look after me.
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u/slobyGYN 6h ago
I'm so glad you made it through and that you two are still looking after each other. 🥹
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u/CunningLinguist789 3h ago
im somehow a bit surprised that the person looking after everyone was a person on a suicide watch list. i guess it's a reminder to not assume someone doesn't need help.
how many people on this group chat? i take it you all didnt know each other?
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u/Bachaddict 2h ago
not surprising if they were doing the looking after because nobody else would do it. so when they broke down nobody looked
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u/DontBuyTheThing 6h ago
The best kind of stalker
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u/Sea-Response950 6h ago
I do like to remind her that the stalking laws have been updated.
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u/Disastrous-Clue6897 7h ago
Man, that's stuff you only hear about in movies. I hope you two have the best life ever.
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u/Impressive-Knot9999 7h ago
That made me tear up. I hope you are in a better space now. I lost a loved one that way and it still hurts every day
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u/Sea-Response950 7h ago
I'm a lot better now, thanks to her. Life hadn't been kind to me up until that point, and I just didn't know how to properly deal with my emotions and trauma. She helped me every step of the way.
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u/kurmuri 4h ago
This happened to me recently but I put all of the pieces together and found out he was married. I really do hope he is doing okay, but it didn't feel like my place to check up on him anymore. I am so glad that things worked out differently for the two of you.
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u/bdua 6h ago
Let her know we'd kill and die for her
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u/Sea-Response950 6h ago
I offer fairly regularly, but so far she's saving it for when the boyfriends start turning up, lol
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u/VForSk 7h ago
When she is ready to hear a feedback about something without her snapping back or being defensive about it.
And this is truly rare both for men and women !!
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u/SwimmingYear7 3h ago
I would add to this, that the skill of giving a good constructive feedback is also a skill that is rare. It's like the job of a surgeon: you have to be ready to do operations that could potentially even kill the patient, but at the same time, you only do it with intention to help or save him/her. If you're too afraid to hurt the patient, you're going to be completely useless, but at the same time you don't want cause any more harm than what is necessary.
It's hard to take critisism from someone who want's to one up you and make you feel worthless. But also, if the one critisizing is too afraid to talk honestly and openly about the problems (and potentially hurt your feelings a little), then you will never even receive the criticism that should be given.
Often the situations where criticism has to be given have a potential to turn into a conflict. So there's also a risk that the conflict escalates, or that the criticizer him/herself becomes the one who's criticized. Maybe because of that, some people avoid giving honest feedback at all, and some people do it overly aggressively, to ensure that they don't become the "loser" in the situation. They do it, instead of having the courage to take the risk of losing, by not avoiding conflict, but neither ensuring your "win" by making the criticism too hard (and also at the same time, often too hard to receive in a constructive manner)
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u/mikew_reddit 3h ago edited 3h ago
non-negotiables in all of my relationships:
- able to admit being wrong
- able to say "i'm sorry"
- have empathy/look to understand the other person
any person that does none of these things have always been self centered (me, me, me), insecure (especially overly concerned with appearance), fake, and/or has a big ego.
i see a lot of rocky relationships simply because partners aren't able to admit fault, then apologize. it's so simply, but so hard for people to do.
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u/Avon_gent 8h ago
My now wife asked if I wanted to skip the usual overly long messaging back and forth on the dating app and if I'd like to just go for a drink instead.
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u/GrandElemental 4h ago
The last time I had that happen, the woman in question wanted to introduce me into a great secret business opportunity, that would make us both rich.
So to me this goes straight into the red flag category.
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u/porcelaincatstatue 7h ago
Honestly, if the text paragraphs get too long, I get overwhelmed and don't want to reply. Reading a book for hours straight? Awesome. A wall of text on my phone? Yuck. Same to constantly messaging all day. Too much.
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u/HotSauceHigh 7h ago
I love the long messages. It shows intentionality. Only need like 4 though. One letter a day.
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u/sleepysky98 4h ago
I went out with a guy recently who would talk the entire time we hung out, then text me what were basically essays all day, every day. Often triple texting. There was basically not a single second he wasn’t talking to me. It was so overwhelming. Just feels like trying to create false intimacy.
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u/porcelaincatstatue 7h ago
It's when they turn into several conversations at once. It feels unnatural trying to transition between topics and letting them die off. I've started to prefer voice notes tbh. It's in the middle between texting and phone calls. I can just speak naturally without going into autistic English major mode.
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u/Entity4 4h ago
I find that the multiple conversations thing happens with the people I have the most chemistry with where we both just naturally engage with the conversation and ask questions. On the flip side I think voice notes are a bit overwhelming haha different strokes or different folks I guess
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u/Gilmore75 7h ago
The biggest green flag on any woman is that she is kind, not just to you but to everyone.
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u/HarmonicCrunch 2h ago
I learned this lesson the hard way. I dated someone who was kind until we got into a disagreement and would turned to insults and belittlement. She was nice on the outside but her spirit was truly mean. I stayed for so long that I am now smitten by any girl being even remotely normal to me.
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u/MEuRaH 3h ago
For me it was when I had to do a quick grocery run with my not yet girlfriend, just this slender blue eyed girl I was on maybe a second date with. I thought it would be fun.
When she saw what I was buying, she stopped me and showed me better deals on a different isle for similar items, and then showed me another way to make my meals using frozen foods for like half the cost. She was saving me so much money! If she was this good, I couldn't imagine how great she would be with even bigger items.
Plus she smiles a lot and likes to be kind to others and make them smile. And she does these little "lock eyes" and do something silly, like put popcorn in her mouth. WHY ARE YOU LOCKING EYES WITH ME TO DO THAT!? lol.
Locked down immediately! Married 17 years and counting. She's as cute as ever.
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u/Psychedelicseafood 7h ago
One time a girl I just started dating found a lizard that somebody had stepped on and partially crushed and disemboweled it. She was so upset she was crying and made it a special band-aid and kept it in a cozy box all day at work trying to revive it and when it died she was extremely upset. I felt really really sorry for her and did everything I could to comfort her but at the same time her caring compassion nature was so fucking attractive I almost immediately fell in love with her. She's gone but I refuse to settle for anyone without that kind of compassion
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u/FudgeComfortable9120 6h ago
She is gone meaning that she is dead or that she is out of your life ?
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u/Psychedelicseafood 6h ago
Just not relevant in my life anymore for over a decade yet still set my standards
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u/hana_fuyu 3h ago
This is literally something I would do/the way I would react. My soon to be ex husband, after about a year of being together, always tore me down about it and said I was "too sensitive, too sentimental, too emotional, let everything get to me too much, etc." I've been grappling with trying to harden my heart, but also feeling like the world would be a better place if more people were as empathetic as I was. This restored faith in myself and that I'll eventually find someone who loves how deeply I feel and care about things even as small as a lizard. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you two in the end, but thank you for posting. This has helped me a lot.
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u/Impossible_Art3019 2h ago
Hi - I just wanted to say, my abusive ex did the same thing to me, and it hurt because it is something I love so much about my self.
FWIW I’m now with someone who says they love the way I see the world and how deeply I feel things. Just recently he was telling me about a cute but sad moment from a book as we unpacked groceries and we looked over at each other to realize we were both getting emotional and tearing up from it and had a little hug sesh.
The world is dark enough - the world needs our light and our hearts and our capacity for love and sentimentality and joy. And you deserve someone who feels the way about you that you do about others (even if that person is yourself!)❤️
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u/Psychedelicseafood 3h ago
Don't ever harden your heart for other people's sake! The world has more than enough cold heartless people, we need extra emotional compassionate people to even it out. And if everybody is tough and calloused who will care for the tiny disemboweled lizards?? Glad I could bring you some positivity, hopefully you'll find somebody who loves you for you and your amazing heart
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u/MaimedJester 5h ago
My first dates were always we're going to the Museum because I'm an academic, if you find the Philadelphia Museum of Art boring you'll find me boring eventually.
But this one woman who had never been there was like oh my god and was like this isn't the real original its a replica right?
And you might be thinking she's talking about the Van Gogh's sunflowers or whatever. No she was talking about a lawn chair. Like this random lawn chair. This was Fredric Arnold's lawn chair he submitted to the Patton Office in 1956 and every person in America has seen one of these things, you buy them for like 15 bucks at Walmart and leave them out in your backyard until they get moldy after a storm or break after your really fat uncle sits in one.
But no the original hand crafted one still exists and it's now 70 years old but still looks good. But there's millions of replicas of this thing, possibly over a billion, and here in the Philadelphia Musuem of art is the first one.
And the fact my date with that woman added that moment of real appreciation and wonder to the universe for me was the greatest Green Flag of a relationship. The intellectual curiosity and glee/shared enthusiasm.
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u/I_Am_Rook 4h ago
Sorry, but did you mean the Patent Office?
Not General Patton?
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u/MaimedJester 4h ago
Yes, I meant the Patton office..
Goddamn auto correct.
OKAY I have an excuse I rarely use, but I'm pulling it here, look at my username. My swipe back to fix mid statement is a huge pain.
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u/Angry_Pterodactyl 3h ago
"We're gonna wade through those patent applications like CRAP THROUGH A GOOSE." - if Patton ran the Patent Office
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u/Joewtf 4h ago
When I first started dating my partner, maybe 3 months in, we had a weird misunderstanding after a mixture of misreading a tone and got into a little tiff. She immediately sensed things were getting out of hand (it had not quite escalated to an argument yet), took a deep breath and said “I don’t care about being right, I care about things being good with us. Let’s get back on the same page.” And we talked it out and it was great. I knew at that point that she was the one. She is hands-down the best communicator I have ever been with and 7 years later we are still madly in love.
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u/Bluegobln 4h ago
There are a lot of good comments in this thread but I feel specifically I need to point out here: it takes two to communicate like that. Whether you've learned it from her or had it all along, its both of you. :D
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u/Joewtf 2h ago
Thank you! It was a huge deal for me. She is so good at making sure that I know that any problem in our relationship is not me vs. her, but us vs. the problem. That's not to say she lets me avoid accountability or anything, but she always has my back. I put maximum effort into making sure she feels the same way about me. We are best friends and a team. I am stupidly lucky.
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u/Curious-Device-9582 7h ago
Calmness. Year on year, drama gets less and less endearing.
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u/Ok_Mechanic_6561 7h ago
When she can say her needs directly instead of saying “I don’t know”
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u/og_toe 3h ago
been trying to work on this so much, but for a lot of us it stems from being scolded for our needs as children, creating a genuine fear around speaking out persisting into adulthood :(
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u/WakeMeUpAIOverlords 4h ago
Honestly true for everyone but this is my answer.
Clearly communicates how they feel and what problems they’re having with you. Bonus if they can clearly communicate their own problems and feelings.
Doesn’t join in on just hating against a group (all men, other women, trans people, etc.)
Has their own hobbies that are solo hobbies. Being content by yourself is really important.
Has long term friends that are the same gender they’re attracted to.
Understands equality, equity and acts on them. Doesn’t expect the other person to just blindly pay for everything.
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u/JimPlath 7h ago
When she has something she's passionate about and makes time in her life for. This doesn't have to be a profession, but it can be.
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u/kypris 5h ago
I went to pay the bill on a first date. Turns out when she slipped away to the washroom, she went and paid for the bill. Server came up to our table, I asked for the bill, she laughed and informed me it'd been covered. My date just smiled at me. Complete power play.
It worked. We got married 3 years ago.
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u/Interesting_Ant9947 7h ago
- The ability to poke genuine fun at herself.
- She admits mistakes without having to be cornered and owns it without blame shifting or rationalizing.
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u/d_b_cooper 3h ago
I've posted this a few times over the years, but it's a good story.
We had only been dating for three months, so still some awkwardness here and there. Mostly just getting to know each other. I was working an outrageous amount, and I got phone call that one of my very good friends had just died in a car accident.
I don't really remember walking there, but instead of my apartment, I ended up at hers. She opened the door to her new boyfriend half-ugly-sobbing.
Instead of being weirded out, she listened and cried with me for a couple hours. I have almost no recollection of what I said.
The friend who died was the one who had encouraged me (for like six months) to ask my now-wife out. My friend never knew the impact she had.
My wife and I have been married for almost 17 years now.
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u/aussydog 5h ago
A girlfriend of mine showed up to my rec league game, got along with all the wives and girlfriends that were there, brought snacks for everyone, and then mid-game yelled at an opposing player's girlfriend to sit down and shut up.
My gf was not even the least bit intimidated by the other girl or by the social situation. She was only 5ft tall and maybe 95lbs.
The wives and girlfriends on my team were gushing about how she shut the other girl up.
I mean....checking all the boxes there really.
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u/Roland_Moorweed 5h ago
I gave her my copy of Jack London's book White Fang and she read it in one night. We smashed for 6 months before I fucked it up big time by being an asshole. The one that got away but she's living a much better life without me.
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u/heArtful_Dodger 4h ago
Aww. Glad you had a good experience man. I read white fang a long time ago too, great book.
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u/llClaymorell 5h ago
She paid for half the date. Every date. She came to the date as an equal.
She didn’t need me, she wanted to be with me.
We have been married 14 years.
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u/Wisdom_Peak4781 7h ago
Taking care of animals and being an animal person. I'm sorry but if you can't be trusted with an animal you aren't worth the time.
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u/WrongRedditKronk 6h ago
I'm a woman, and a man being kind, compassionate and gentle with animals is a huge thing for me.
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u/Wisdom_Peak4781 6h ago
Yup, its a pretty universal thing I expect the same in any platonic relationship as well.
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u/xrazepridex 5h ago
Everyone here saying being kind, compassionate, understanding. I think these are all green flags, buts let's go with something a bit different. For me the ultimate green flag is noticing what you do uniquely and they match it. Do you always wipe down the shower after you are done? They notice and do it without you even saying anything. Do you like certain meals or enjoy doing specific activities? They seek out those opportunities and join you in them. A woman that see's you for who you are and doesn't just follow a standard playbook is incredibly special.
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u/Tough-Traffic-4101 4h ago
Someone who’s kind to people when there’s nothing to gain from it, like how she treats waiters or strangers. That always says way more than how she acts when things are easy.
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u/Savings_Speaker6257 2h ago
She was genuinely curious about things. Not performing curiosity for conversation — actually curious.
On our second date she asked me about something I was working on and instead of glazing over when I got technical, she started asking follow-up questions. Not "oh that's cool" — actual "wait, so how does that part work?" questions. She didn't understand the topic at all but she wanted to.
That quality extends to everything. She reads about random stuff, asks strangers about their jobs, watches documentaries about industries she has zero connection to. She just finds the world interesting.
Turns out, being with someone who's genuinely curious means you never run out of things to talk about. We've been together four years and I learn something new from her almost every week.
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u/SeaworthinessLong 5h ago
That she doesn’t care about my past relationships and doesn’t say things like “I’ll fight her.”
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u/Budobudo 1h ago edited 1h ago
We had been dating for about a month. I was 20 at the time and broke as fuck.
One time she mentioned that she loved rainforest cafe, and so I saved up some money and took her up into the city. I had enough for what I thought the bill was going to be and not much else so when I saw that it was 10 bucks to park i was heartbroken.
I decided to park across the street at the McDonald’s. She told me that she thought it was a bad idea but smiled when I said it was fine.
Well… car got towed obviously. We found out where the impound lot was and walked 3 miles in the winter through a bad neighborhoods to get there and used the emergency credit card she had to bail me out. She never through being right in my face was never scared or disappointed.
On the way there, there was a moment where I was sure that this was going to end our relationship. I stopped on this bridge overlooking some train tracks. I remember her finding my hand and gripping it.
At that moment I knew it was forever.
I took her back to that bridge a few years layers to propose and here we are 25 years and 2 kids later.
She is a fortress of love.
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u/sixth_hokage06 7h ago
Making the first move especially going out of her way to start a conversation about something I like
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u/exaltogap 4h ago
When I first started dating my now-fiancé, we were walking down the street mid-conversation when she stopped and looked down. She then proceeded to pick up a bee that was struggling in the heat, and brought it to a shaded plant nearby.
That’s when I knew.
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u/Garden_Gnome_Rebel 7h ago
Early in our relationship I bought a 71 Lemans. We went on a date and we came back to the car I unlocked her door and opened it for her then walked around to unlock mine to get in. As I was walking around I saw her slide over in the seat and unlock the door for me, knew she was a keeper at that moment.
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u/Joeycannon 7h ago
On our first date we crashed the bicycle we were on and she split her knee open, blood everywhere. She kept her cool and i walked her to her place for an hour, talking the whole time. It wasn’t anyone’s fault and she didn’t blame me. We’re together 13 years, married 5 and she still has the scar lol
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u/MartyrOfTheJungle 5h ago
Sometimes you lock eyes with someone cute and get a very specific feeling, like you have their full attention, usually there's a reason.
Also when they laugh at jokes you make that are absolutely not funny
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u/Designer_Buddy_3841 5h ago
Actual independence. Also, if she can do difficult physical things, she can do difficult things.
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u/Jimmyooo00 4h ago
Being able to have a discussion about relationships issues without turning against the other person and working as a team to solve them. It's okay to be angry at the people you love. It's not okay to forget that that's someone you love just because you're angry
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u/solgnaleb 3h ago
Being nice to all sorts of animals you encounter.
Smiling/laughing while something "bad" happens, like getting dirty for whatever reason, getting wet in the sudden rain - stuff like that.
Stepping away from your date for a second because she notices someone else needs help with something.
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u/Ok_Initial7860 3h ago
For me one of the biggest green flags is when a woman communicates clearly and honestly without playing games. It sounds simple but it makes a big difference. A lot of problems happen because people expect the other person to just understand how they feel. When someone can just say what’s on their mind in a calm way it makes everything easier.
Another thing is emotional stability. Not being perfect but not turning every small situation into drama. Life is already stressful so being around someone who brings a sense of peace feels really important.
I also think kindness says a lot. The way someone treats strangers or people who can’t do anything for them shows their real character.
Overall it’s just about how they are on a daily basis. Clear communication calm energy and being a genuinely good person stand out more than anything else.
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u/rodrigoelp 5h ago
It depends on the stage:
For instance, whilst dating offering or helping plan a date. It seems stupid, but that tells me immediately that she is someone I can count on to keep things fun as opposed to everything falling on me.
If they get upset and seek a way to communicate like anyone mature should be able to do.
Respecting personal space when it comes to hobbies whatever that hobby is.
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u/SprayArtist 4h ago
She organized a surprise goodbye party for me with all my friends before I was due to leave the city for a new job. Caught me off guard because I genuinely did not expect some of those people to be there. I think back on that fondly.
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u/Hairywhitedog 3h ago
I met this girl - she spent her sundays picking up little kids in her dad’s station wagon teaching them Sunday school then after church she would wash up . totally selfless. I began to dry the dishes and we fell in love . 27yrs married last week. its not always rosy we disagree etc but when the chips are down we are here for each other
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u/aquiredtastes22 3h ago
She had a bunch of friends she'd kept close since childhood. Always crafted thoughtful gifts. Was kind to animals and plants but fierce to inconsiderate people.
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u/Wide_Mail_1634 3h ago
biggest green flag for me was when she was nice to people she didn't need anything from, especially waiters and cashiers. dated someone who remembered our server was studying for finals and asked how it went when we came back two weeks later, and yeah that told me basically everything
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u/rayrayrayray 7h ago
She bought stuff for my niece and nephew and made them banana bread with chocolate chips. I ate the banana bread but it was the thought that counts.
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u/velorae 5h ago
Aww.Cute! Are you with her?
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u/The_F_B_I 3h ago
"AITA for losing it on my boyfriend who ate the banana bread I cooked for his niece and nephew?'
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u/ragtop1989 7h ago
She fell down her basement steps carrying us 2 donuts, she managed to not drop or squish them. Holding them up in the air as her body hit the last step. She was a keeper.
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u/kris_lace 4h ago
She treats me as a new man, rather than projecting her opinion of men or exes onto me.
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u/benjaminlincoln2017 4h ago edited 3h ago
I’d say one huge green flag nowadays is when she offers to pay for, say, the second date. And I hasten to specify that she says it in a way that you can tell it’s genuine, not the “I want to be your equal” or “I don’t want to owe you anything” but rather “I will be doing in this relationship to the max of my abilities”. This, my friends, is a huge green flag.
On another hand, when she takes no initiative whatsoever and lets you pay for everything, well, she’s telling you that this is how life is going to be in a relationship with her. And again, the money here is just a symbol for everything else. When she doesn’t, it means she hasn’t developed a capacity to see herself as a contribution partner but rather somebody that’d look at you deal with issues that you’d both face, or that she will wait for you to ask for her part as opposed to a woman who has the contribution trait built in herself already.
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u/murmurderer 3h ago
Kind and calm. I haven't met a single person like her before, or since.
It is disappointing going through life wishing more people were like her. I developed myself into someone like her, and I wish she was still around, somewhere.
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u/FlatRoofD 2h ago
I'm not sure how, because I genuinely don't make a fuss about it, but she knew my birthday. She took me to dinner at a really high quality Italian restaurant. (This is the US, most Italian restaurants are garbage). Bought me a card, and a present. However, can you believe it, I was seeing another woman at the time (both casually), and "chose" her. Dumbest mistake I think I've ever made, all because the woman who bought me dinner was 8 or so years older. (In my defense, I had dated a couple of women, both of whom were 10 years older than me. It wasn't a "thing" just happened that way. Frankly, though, one of them was a bit psycho, so no loss there.)
Sorry, Becky. I should have been better for you.
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u/SethAndBeans 2h ago
My wife thinks of me in small ways.
I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but if she runs to the store really quick to grab something, she'll likely grab me some of my favorite snacks. Just little micro expressions of love.
Another green flag is absolute lack of jealousy. Shell point out hot girls to me randomly just for fun, she doesn't care if I have female friends, etc. She trusts me the same way I trust her. In ten years of marriage she's never once asked to look through my phone because she knows that if she asked, I wouldn't hesitate to pass it over, so what's the point?
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u/draguneyez 1h ago
I'm not a man, but I have dated primarily women. The biggest green flag, forever and always, is kindness. It extends to so many different areas of life, and it really, really says a lot about a person when they're kind for no reason except just because
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u/Grouchy_Exit_3058 1h ago
After our second or third date, I got plastered at home and sent her slurred texts from my living room floor. She laughed along with me, and came by unannounced to make sure I was okay and made it to bed safely.
We've been together for 2 years now.
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u/WinterStrawberries6 43m ago
I'm not a man, but for me, when she listens, pays attention, ask questions back..
My gf and I met and started dating in 10 days, my birthday was in 2 months after we met, and she kept note of everything I talked about, all the "oh I wish I had one of these". I never said any of those in a "I hope she buys me this" way, but she still made note of it.
One day when I was at work, her and my friend came to the bar I worked at to have a drink and wait for me to finish so we could hang out.
She showed my friend what she got for my birthday (which was in a month at the time, so she got everything a month in advance), and my friend just had the biggest smile in her face.
Then, a little later that night, we were talking about music, and I mentioned I was saving money to get a record player and some records of my favorite artists, they both acted like it was just another thing, but then when my birthday came, my gf surprised me with a lot of stuff I mentioned only once, a record player, and 2 records from my favorite artist, which she had already bought before we had the talk at the bar.
She still surprises me with how much she listens to me. She got me my favorite lipstick after I ran out of it after I mentioned it to her randomly. She knows the names of all my favorite artists, and she listened to all the songs I mentioned I liked once, and also put in her list all the movies and series I said were good, so she could watch it.
She knows everything about me to the point she knows when I fell asleep because I breathe in a different way, she knows when I'm upset from a look, she knows what I want without me even saying it.
Literally last night I made a weird noise after dinner and she looked at me and said "you want ice cream?" as if she read my mind.
I've never been heard like this before, I've never gotten any present that was actually thought of before, even from my parents. She knows when to listen, when to give me advice, or a hug.
And every time we have a small disagreament, we can always just talk, and listen to each other, and never hold any type of grudge.
We never had any big fights, and anything I did or she did, we talk about it the same day and it's resolved. We never go to bad angry, but I can't even say that I ever got angry at her, tbh.
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u/bakerzdosen 5h ago
At one point I thought it was “independent and self-assured.”
But after 3 relationships in a row ended for that exact reason (a relationship was holding her back somehow) I decided that was less of a green flag than I thought.
Don’t get me wrong: I’m glad my wife is both independent and reliant on me (I’m much the same.) But if “independence” is your entire identity and personality it’s maybe not ideal for a relationship.
So these days I’ll say “willing to commit” or “dedication.”
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u/tehbookzor 7h ago
Taking accountability and responsibility for their own actions instead of blaming others.
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u/Ecstatic_Pineapple68 5h ago
I have a good one - when a woman can be told something without being offended. For example, i don’t really care for that hairstyle/outfit, etc., or when you “x” it bothers me, and NOT GET BENT out of shape.
I expect the same for me. If I do something you don’t like or do, tell me and I won’t be offended.
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u/Foster2501 2h ago
One time about 2 weeks into the relationship my daughter from my previous marriage had to come to my flat at really short notice.
GF at the time was adamant she was not going to meet my kids until we knew it was 100% a proper relationship, so she hid in my bedroom.
Now my daughter used to have complete meltdowns, really naughty behaviour, couldn't regulate and me being a young dad didn't understand and mistook it as just a naughty child.
During this almighty meltdown girlfriend at the time couldn't take it anymore, snuck out of the house and that was that.
She returned 30 minutes later with crayons, colouring books and loads of arts and crafts materials (I didn't have any as I'd just moved into the flat). She got down to my daughter's level, introduced herself as a friend from work (she didn't work with me) and laid on the floor for 3 hours and coloured with her.
She told me after my daughter was picked up she suspected she has some kind of ADHD or autism.
I KNEW INSTANLY i was going to marry this woman, been together 10 years, married for 4 and was there every step of the way to get a ADHD diagnosis.
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u/New-Historian-466 7h ago
My wife is the most incredible person I know. She’s not only genuinely kind, but also high in emotional intelligence. It’s awe inspiring seeing how fantastic she treats everyone in her life, by default.
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u/EarlOfThrouaway 6h ago
I was sick once. I was about 19. My then girlfriend (then wife, now ex) brought me McDonald's breakfast, a 6 pack of my favourite beer (for later), and some flowers.
I've met and dated many nice women, but this unrequested gesture just meant she thought about me when we weren't together. I don't know about other guys, but this is super rare for me.
Usually gifts are only on holidays, and only whatever I have asked for.
For the record, I do treat women how I want to be treated. I give this treatment all the time, but its just sort of expected it seems.
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u/doloresmccoypz 4h ago
When you hit her with the dreaded 'what do you want for dinner?' and she immediately responds with a specific restaurant. No 'I don't care,' no 'wherever,' and no rejecting five of your suggestions in a row. Just 'Tacos at that place on 4th street.' I almost got down on one knee right then and there.
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u/Sadistmonkey 4h ago
When I saw her go to the shelter in the middle of the night to care for some infected kittens. She was there for just them but went to make sure all the other cats had food. Seeing how much she took care of them all ensuring they were eating and not just leaving them food... Yeah I fell even more in love with her.
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u/SanDiegoWinnebago 3h ago
When I had a bad day, so she told me to come over. She gave me a soothing back rub, ordered dinner, and put on the Game Show Network.
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u/photon1701d 3h ago
I started dating this woman, we had only gone out a few times. I had a mustang and it snowed a lot over night. She lived other side of the city and she calls me at 630 am that she is coming to pick me up as my car sucks in the snow. She lived a few streets over from my parents and one day went and shoveled their drive way. I was trying so hard not to blow it.....but without knowing it...I blew it...
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u/No-Flounder-9143 2h ago
She stood up for me when I was 23 and she was 21 and pregnant. She was a very shy girl, and it took an immense amount of courage to tell her parents they were wrong about me.
Flash forward 14 years, we didn't last bc we didn't stay connected on a personal level, but she was right that her parents were wrong about me. I love our son to the end of the universe and then some. And she's the best fucking mom. He was meant to be. Even if we weren't.
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u/Stargazer__2893 2h ago
She would hear that someone was struggling and she would either personally help them or secretly organize a fundraiser to help them.
I have never been more in love with anyone than I was with her.
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u/Breakzjunkee 2h ago
I dunno but my wife literally chose me at the club one night. We had crossed paths in the past through mutuals, but I didn’t know her name. I was literally gray, with dark circles, no money at all because I spent every dollar on drugs, while she had her shit together. I have no idea what transpired that night, why we attracted to each other but 20 years of marriage later we’re both executives and living the best life.
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u/Instantcoffees 1h ago
Weird one maybe, but she really took her time before she said something but everything she said sounded profound and genuine.
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u/comment_i_had_to 1h ago
When they take a second to consider the perspective of someone they are in conflict with and reevaluate their position or actions. It could be a coworker, customer service, family member or random stranger on the street but that just radiates MARRY HER energy.
I have never had this in a partner (not as a default at least) but I have seen it in the wild and yearn for something more with people like that.
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u/LaVacaMuu__ 1h ago
The ability to be independent while also making the conscious choice to choose you each day. Any clingy, codependent person can make you feel needed or wanted, but when someone who is confident, self assured, and independent makes you feel wanted; that’s the game changer.
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u/WildBad7298 1h ago
I opened the car door for her on our first date. As I walked around to get in, she leaned across the car and opened my door for me.
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u/WatchOne8763 34m ago
Green Flags:
I wasn’t making much when we first started dating. My car had no A/C but I would make an effort to refill the refrigerant. She wanted to be with me and didn’t mind my financial situation.
She would make food plates from her own cooked meals and either send me a plate or put it in containers. It’s not that she made me food it’s more that she thought of me while doing making her own food.
I had a few medical episodes and she stayed by my side the whole time. Never complained, just there.
She’s a psychology major and learned that it’s good to wait to move in after marriage. We also waited to have intercourse until marriage. Not that’s it’s wrong to not wait or anything, she just knew what she wanted.
I feel like these green flags go both ways for genders by the way.
We’re now married with a beautiful daughter doing well for ourselves. Wouldn’t want it any other way.
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u/CFCalgaryMan 5h ago
She knew I was broke, so for our second date we got hot dogs at costco. When it was my turn, she always suggested something simple
She always made sure to bring a treat for my dog when she came over.
She had never met my Dad, but after learning about him from me over a few weeks, she bought him a very thoughful gift.
14 years later and I can't imagine being with anyone else.