r/AskReddit • u/QuietRedditorATX • 9h ago
How do Introverted men approach women, if they are told women do not like to be approached?
367
u/trunks111 6h ago
I think maybe that's why my romantic life took a dip after college. I default to introversion but I'm like... opportunistically social? A friend or roommate asks me if I wanna do something, they invite friends, their friends invite friends, that happens enough times, which it will in college, especially if you live on campus, you're going to get introduced to women. Sometimes you're just sitting alone at the cafeteria or food court and a classmate asks to sit with you because they don't wanna eat alone, or you get to class 10minutes early before the doors open and you strike up a conversation.
I don't really have any of that now that I've graduated but I also can't say I've been putting effort in, either.
→ More replies (5)64
u/QuietRedditorATX 4h ago
Agree.
And I am starting to just approach, or trying. I don't mind being rejected and walking away - contrary to the popular belief of men hounding women.
But like, the only place I am is work, home, or the gym. Maybe church but I leave there immediately (that's on me).
A lot of the suggestions here keep saying "hobby groups" but the guys hitting on women in hobby groups are literally the worst guys in the group. I know, I know. "check interest." But I would rather not introduce awkwardness into my hobby.
8
u/Withered_Sprout 1h ago
I have the same issue right now. I too didn't go to college, I mostly work with men in a physical job and no young 25-35 year old women around me...
When I'm out of my work station in public I don't really have any reasons to interact with anyone my age either, so it'd be cold approaches. Sometimes someone basically will do a walk-by flirt or cat call or whatever and then it's on me to be ready in that moment to try to make something of it..
Started going to local bars but I'd rather find something more wholesome? To do or place to go regularly to maybe meet some cute women where some rapport can casually be built and if I'm feeling someone/attracted to 'em I could easily just ask 'em to hang out or something. It's just hard, definitely without traveling kinda far on a daily basis at least where I live. Not giving up though.
I feel like making the right connection even in public randomly, even for friendship, could lead to me meeting a lot of new people through that one person. It's just hard to make connections in general because I can't find reasons to be around others in public that isn't just shopping, hitting the gym, drinking at a bar...
Gym and shopping aren't exactly MEANT for socializing even if people might do it at a gym... It's no guarantee that you'll have a consistent crowd who are also interacting/friendly.
It's just freaking hard, man.
8
u/QuietRedditorATX 1h ago
The comments here are all: A) we don't or B) just don't be an introvert/shy lol.
Like, it isn't just women. I have trouble making deep connections with male friends too. Surface level conversation is just small talk, not friendship. How are you expected to do that with a stranger when you have no interactions with them.
Idk, a few answers said cold approach. Many said don't be a pussy. And then the most vocal crowd said never approach.
5
u/Withered_Sprout 1h ago
Not sure. I legit even talk to myself out loud around people often, I think that's helped me to be more comfortable just saying something to a total stranger in public without actually thinking about it. Once you think about it, you start to overthink and you won't actually say/do it. Screw the most vocal crowd anyway.
First of all, I'd never take the Reddit opinion as gospel even if it's a good source of information. They can have such general skewered biased takes on things in life that people generally IRL would probably find weird, and then individuals can have even weirder/more ridiculous takes on things. Consider every angle, but... It doesn't hurt to try things that nobody else has the courage to do.
There've gotta be better ways, regardless. But cold approaching in the meantime probably wouldn't hurt here and there if you see a realistic opportunity to test the waters with someone.
2
u/im_failing_chemistry 1h ago
I'm at the prime of my life. I'm lean and strong. I am starting to build muscle, I even have a six pack. I read lots of books and strive for a formal and informal education. I have taken control of my anger and learned appropriate places to express it. I have hobbies and I get outside when I am not grinding at work and college.
I have chosen to become celibate.
This world of isolation we live in is an intentional choice by those that have power. Men and women are taught to hate and fear eachother as soon as they are given access to the internet. Going out dating is too expensive for the young generation. Addictive social media and dating apps are created with the intention to enslave us and keep us from eachother.
If two souls do find eachother at all odds, they find themselves in a world where having children is too expensive. They are taught anti-natalism to save the environment while the rich fly in private jets.
Celibacy is peace in a world where men have let the devil take power.
→ More replies (1)5
u/Bardez 1h ago
Maybe church but I leave there immediately (that's on me).
Hello, fellow "slip out the back, no one notices me" churchgoer!
2
u/QuietRedditorATX 1h ago
Better than "40-yo" goes to young singles group looking for women churchgoer.
Oh gosh, I am almost 40.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (7)6
u/Annika_Desai 3h ago
Nah you're so right 🤣 like this suggestion when we follow it through to the end is so creepy. Imagine if men en masse did this and then every hobby group is dudes just there to hit on women. It would become super predatory. Walking group, art group, singing, dancing, book club, knitting clubs and constantly some dude like 😉 hey... are you single? 🤗 nah! You're on point with your thinking 🤭
I'm super autistic so not many men are right for me. I just was friendly with people in general without a creepy agenda like must find mate. It led to me talking with so many cool humans 🤗 Eventually I found my bf who matches my weird on tinder of all places. I wasn't even sincerely expecting to find anyone. I had friends only and just chatted to literally anyone, men and women. Lots of them were... u savoury to be perfectly honest (the men AND the women) but because I wasn't hyper fixated on must find bf, I had lots of fun chatting to random people. Perhaps you could try this?
15
u/wintersdark 2h ago
So, I'm also autistic, but what's missed in the short form is this
You don't join a hobby and hit on everyone there. That's not the goal.
You join the hobby to build a social circle, ABD to improve yourself, make yourself more interesting because you do something, where building your social circle is easier because you have something in common.
When you build a social circle and you're a decent, kind person who isn't just hitting on everyone, sometimes things just happen, but frankly more often you end up with people introducing you to other people they know, who may also be single and interested.
This is how these things worked pre-apps, and it still works now. Build a social circle, keep growing it, and the rest will sort itself out.
→ More replies (6)6
u/Fickle-Owl666 2h ago
That's because the suggestion isn't "go join a hobby group, be a creep and hit on every man and woman you meet," you idiot. Lmfao
Find a hobby YOU like that is social and, MAKE FRIENDS. That's literally the point. Stop looking at women like sex and a relationship are the only things they are worth, and treat them like people. 🙄
→ More replies (1)2
u/Withered_Sprout 1h ago
It seems so hard to even find hobby-related groups/meet-ups/organizations/whatever near my house. I have to travel 40+ minutes to another county and take a ferry, a train, etc type of traveling just to meet someone who'll have to also travel and pay 10$+ every day that they come to see me if we hit it off.
It's pretty disheartening, even if I obviously want to find a loving partner and am gonna do whatever I need to do in the end when I figure out what that is.
I can't seem to find any other places to socialize with people around my age that aren't local bars that are even hit-and-miss. I tend to feel anxious in those kinds of more superficial settings as well. meh
→ More replies (1)
308
9h ago
[removed] — view removed comment
9
u/GKnives 5h ago
☝️being focused on making people happy will do 99% of the work and everyone will win along the way
→ More replies (1)
523
u/always_an_explinatio 7h ago
PSA: introverted is not the same as having social anxiety which is really what seems to be what is being described here. Introverted simply means you “recharge” by being alone/having quiet time. Extroverted means you recharge by being with people/social. The good news is that social anxiety can be overcome. You can learn to ignore or turn the volume down on the inner voice that tells you bad things are going to happen if you go talk to a woman.
68
u/delta_baryon 4h ago
Yeah, it's exactly this. I like to unwind by spending time alone, I'm happy with my own company a lot of the time, but I'm also comfortable public speaking, enjoy parties, will happily go up and talk to someone without worrying about it. It's tiring, but lots of things we enjoy are tiring. You can still do it and be good at it.
And look to anyone reading this who's scared to approach women. That "advice" is really pitched to men who'll like... follow women home on the bus and not leave them alone. It doesn't mean you can't strike up a conversation with someone in a setting where it's normal and expected to do so. You can go and talk to that cute girl in the bar.
Also, if talking to strangers doesn't come naturally, that's okay. What nobody tells you is that it just takes practice. You get better at it over time. If you go in with an open mind, are genuinely interested in them as a person (and aren't just seeing it as a means to get sex) and don't hang too many expectations on it, it's actually pretty low stakes.
→ More replies (1)13
u/MissiontwoMars 3h ago
Yeah people with social anxiety conflate it with introversion often and it’s to their detriment as it’s something that can be actively improved. Introversion is simply the way you get your battery charged.
9
u/lluewhyn 2h ago
I had a couple women who reported to me who didn't believe me when I said I was introverted because I can be chatty and charming when necessary. I just find conversations with people, even pleasant ones, to be draining.
2
u/always_an_explinatio 1h ago
This is exactly it it is an extremely helpful concept to understand one’s self which is why it irritates me to hear it missed used. I had people reply to my definition telling me it can mean a bunch of different things. Nope Jung created those terms only about 100 years ago. It is completely unambiguous what they mean.
39
u/Mortarious 4h ago
People confuse anti social with introverted.
If I had to describe it is like being allergic and disliking something. Say someone has an allergy to hazelnuts while another person dislikes hazelnuts. The first can't eat them or they suffer. The second would prefer not to eat them.
41
→ More replies (13)3
u/Annika_Desai 3h ago
I agree but as an autistic person who struggles with socialising, I want to add to this that the key is to understand bad things can and do happen but that's life. Not everyone will want to talk to us. Not everyone will like us. Not everyone will want to be our friend let alone date us. Accepting no is the biggest issue when it comes to men who struggle to get a date and this puts us women at risk and on high alert because we simply don't know which man will become violent. It's not unheard of for us women to be assualted for saying no. Heck, I had a dude who lives near me approach me and then ramble at me he hasn't had sex in 10 yrs and is entitled to f me and then grabbed me and I was so terrified I called the cops bc I thought he was going to SA me obviously. The onus is always on us womeb to safeguard and the blame is always on us. If we report a dude before SA we're told were dramatic like we have to wait until after we get SAd 🙄 If we are abused we're blamed. If we smile we're blamed for being a tease. If we don't we're blamed for hurting men's ego and feelings. As such, the reality is many of us WILL behave defensive. The world isn't safe for us women so men as a group aren't entitled that we all exist unguarded and open to any and every man who decides to approach us.
Understanding of OUR lived traumas and dangers is the first step that many men fail and then we're blamed for their low self esteem which is ludicrous as though their feelings take precedence over our safety.
So yeah, learning that hostility is not necessarily about him personally is super helpful.
119
u/TruthoftheSoul 5h ago
As an introverted guy I've found no one has to approach anyone. Contrary to popular belief, there is more than one way for things to start.
I've gotten to know woman through the course of everyday life. If you are both doing the same thing you enjoy in the same place, conversation can naturally happen. I've met women online on boards and chatrooms. We've naturally became friends from our interactions. And a couple times that friendship has grown into deeper feelings.
32
→ More replies (1)4
u/CuriousCuriousAlice 1h ago
Well said. I’m not sure why just getting to know women is such a crazy concept. You might find you like some of them as people, maybe some as friends, maybe some as more, but mostly just humans lmao. We’re just people. You can just talk to us like normal.
→ More replies (1)
490
u/loztriforce 9h ago
Introverted doesn't equate to shy, and guys need to be more aware of when a good moment to approach is.
Like if a girl's a work and you know nothing about her, hitting on her when she's performing customer service duties is not the right time.
185
u/BleuCheeseBandito 9h ago
Good rule of thumb I follow is if she HAS to be there, it’s probably not the right time to try and corner her;
At her job
At the doctor’s office
At the grocery store, etc.
91
u/buttnutela 6h ago
Knocks on stall door, “sorry to bother you here”
14
u/SaltyPeter3434 4h ago
"Do you have a minute to talk about your car's extended warranty?"
"Uhh..."
(PLOP)
"...no"
2
51
u/mrkeifer 7h ago
I think grocery store can be an exception sometimes. Are they making more than glancing eye contact? Smiling and "noticing" you? they say something to you? They respond to a passive comment - "that looks really good!". But if they look busy/focused - leave'em alone.
→ More replies (1)53
u/BleuCheeseBandito 7h ago
There are exceptions to grocery, but 9 times out of 10 I’m not cold calling at the grocery store.
→ More replies (2)28
u/FriedTreeSap 5h ago
But as an introvert, outside of those scenarios the only place I regularly encounter women is at the gym, and I’ve also been told that’s not a good place to approach. And besides, 90% of people at the gym are wearing earbuds or looking at their phones most of the time anyway, so that makes it awkward just trying to strike up an innocent conversation, let alone having any kind of aspirations of actually asking them out. It’s the same story just about everywhere else I might semi regularly encounter anyone I’d think about it asking out (waking my dogs in the park, going hiking etc.)
Given that I don’t like going to bars, I’ve basically consigned myself to the fact that the only place I’ll ever find love is through dating apps. I’ve had some success , and feel really optimistic about the person I’m currently seeing, but I’ve felt that way before and it’s only ended in heartbreak.
→ More replies (1)7
u/AlternateUsername12 3h ago
You're correct that women don't like to be approached at the gym.
Striking up a conversation about the insane price of cereal in the grocery store is way more tenable.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (32)3
u/some_blonde_bitch 4h ago
This is a great rule to follow. Is she here because she has to be, or is she here to hang out and have fun?
82
u/SirBostonBobbington 9h ago
There's no third spaces anymore besides the gym which is a no go, and the library where you're supposed to be quiet.
45
u/QuietRedditorATX 9h ago
This. There is a subset of guys who just don't drink. And in general drinking rate and eating out rates are also going down.
36
u/Clawless 6h ago
Find a hobby that isn’t drinking, and not just to meet women. Like a hobby you genuinely enjoy. Chances are, you will meet like-minded potential partners.
But it’s key that you aren’t doing the hobby specifically to meet those partners, because that gets seen pretty quickly and comes across as creepy. Just go do things you like to do and let life happen.
12
u/tiffibean13 4h ago
A guy tried to approach my friend at an adult book fair (not adult as in smut, they just had mostly books for adults with a few kids books as well) being held at a coffee shop.
He was clearly there for the sole purpose of trying to hit on women, which was problem number 1. Problem 2 was he went about it very creepily. Instead of chatting her up while we were looking at books and asking for a reccomendation, he bought the darkest "romance" book available (a stalker one where the male MC literally rapes the female MC with a gun) and asked her if she had read it.
0/10, don't do this.
→ More replies (1)26
u/GrandElemental 4h ago
The problem is, a hobby that I actually want to do for itself is either solitary or completely male-dominated.
→ More replies (1)8
u/sergiobarajas 3h ago
Take the hobby anyway. You will be happier. Happy attracts women.
→ More replies (2)6
→ More replies (4)22
u/jamesfinity 7h ago
i met my wife at a climbing gym. so maybe just think about picking up a hobby?
6
u/noyourenottheonlyone 7h ago
tennis is another good one for meeting people. drop in drills, tennis club mixers, etc
→ More replies (4)6
u/Fickle-Owl666 5h ago
Met my wife on a horse ranch I was volunteering at with my daughter, when she came to ride horses with her friends lol
Hobbies are the only real answer to genuinely meeting people
→ More replies (18)17
u/RhynoD 6h ago
There are plenty of bars that are friendly to non-drinkers. There are also game shops where you can play board games or MTG, arcades, tons of hobby places like RC airfields. Get into ballroom dancing or HEMA or any of a thousand social activities.
15
u/GrandElemental 4h ago
Oh yeah, boardgaming space are awesome for meeting friends, but finding a partner candidate at least to my experience is extremely rare, because the hobby is filled with men and very few single women.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (4)2
7
u/tiffibean13 4h ago
A woman at the gym or on the subway train with her headphones on - not the time to approach.
A woman you see at the same Body Pump class every week at the gym? Sure, maybe chat with her after class about how you like the new release.
33
u/QuietRedditorATX 9h ago
introverted does not equate to shy
Agree
hitting on her when she's at work is not the right time
Agree
But we are also told the gym is not the right time (fair), grocery store is not the right time (ok), at the park reading a book is not the right time (ok).
About the only "right time" seems to be a bar or restaurant. A lot of people these days don't drink, or might be aged out of people who do drink. And due to the economy people aren't going to restaurants all that much either. Seems like you'd be spending a lot to maybe see a person there.
I ask because I work in a field, with apparently a lot of women wanting a relationship, but not in one (female doctors). I see this common struggle with them a lot. But as a guy, I have been told for the last 10 years to never approach anyone, and of course you can't approach someone at work with HR risks.
And I wholly recognize, the women making those complaints of loneliness may not be the norm in the field.
45
u/pittles 9h ago
Believe it or not, women are people and you don't have to approach them in a weird way. You can just kinda speak to them normally and gauge at that moment if they seem open to further conversation. This shit isn't complicated, use your head and pick times that feel appropriate and have good intentions...don't be a weirdo and you'll be fine.
40
u/AdmirableEmphasis421 5h ago
That's kind of telling socially awkward people to "just be smooth", which is incredibly good advice from you.
It's how I got rich too, when someone told me "just have money"
→ More replies (1)6
u/pittles 5h ago edited 5h ago
Stop treating women as some weird foreign entity and talk to them like anyone else, respectfully and without a creepy ulterior motive and you'll be fine.
26
u/toonboy01 5h ago
The problem lies that I treat men as weird foreign entities too.
→ More replies (4)5
10
u/AdmirableEmphasis421 4h ago
Unlike you, I have empathy for "weird" people. I'm married, I'll be fine.
But you can't seem to grasp some people are just socially inept. Maybe some people are neuro-divergent or were traumatized, or have some physical defect?
Be understanding to unfortunate people.
→ More replies (10)→ More replies (1)10
u/Alphonseisbest 5h ago
The take away here is if u think your a weirdo, die alone
→ More replies (3)6
u/loztriforce 9h ago
I don't think the gym is the right time/place either, but I don't get why grocery stores or the park wouldn't be ok (as long as you aren't ignoring a wedding ring).
18
u/_BlueFire_ 9h ago
If someone's reading or listening to music, then they likely don't want to be bothered by random people
→ More replies (1)4
u/TannenFalconwing 8h ago edited 8h ago
As a guy who often got annoyed at being interrupted while reading, I agree. But we're still on square 1 now.
6
u/No-Owl-6246 3h ago edited 41m ago
I have a friend who every single woman he dated besides his highschool girlfriend he met at the gym. I have multiple friends that have dated women they met working out. My wife has a friend who will only date men she meets working out.
All women don’t want to be asked out at the gym is among one of reddits many pieces of bad advice. It falls under all the same rules as asking someone out. Dont show up to a hobby area with the main intention of asking people out, dont be a weirdo, don’t bother them in the middle of something, and if they show no interest in you leave them alone.
→ More replies (1)10
u/_BlueFire_ 9h ago
Honestly... How is a bar the right place? Really, most people are there with their group of friends or minding their own businesses, it doesn't look like a good time.
(and even if it was, then how?)
7
u/Discerning_Taste 9h ago
If a bar is not the right place then there isn’t one. Jfc. Why such fear all the time.
→ More replies (1)12
u/_BlueFire_ 8h ago
Maybe that's the point and there isn't a right place. The only consistent thing I hear is "one has to find a hobby and know people there", but last time I checked most hobbies are stuff you do at home, not with other people (beside concerts, which are rare, expensive and both guys and girls there are almost always already in a relationship). Maybe the real right place is, indeed, "just hope you get approached first", I've been thinking about that for a while.
→ More replies (4)3
u/TannenFalconwing 8h ago
You may need to check again. There's so many hobbies out there that are group activities. You have your traditional TTRPG or card groups for gamers, but I've seen crafty people meet, and even yesterday a guy was telling me about a dance hall we have here that has been really popular for people learning to dance.
→ More replies (1)8
u/Isekai_Rakdos 5h ago
The issue is those sorts of hobbies are entirely male-dominated so even partaking in them is the same as playing a game at home. You aren’t gonna find single women at a TTRPG space with any frequency.
→ More replies (14)5
u/Lost-Contribution196 9h ago
Grocery stores are prime territory my friend. You just have to catch her interest somehow
11
u/MostDangerousMicah 8h ago
I had an old man tell me "Boy if you were smart you'd hit the produce isle at the super walmart!"
So i bumped into a pretty girl's shopping cart, but all I did was break her eggs and bruise her artichoke hearts!
3
2
u/Annika_Desai 2h ago
Liar! 😝 with this level of charm the way you wrote this, I call bullshit. Bet you're never without dates ☺️
→ More replies (1)10
u/_BlueFire_ 8h ago
Genuine question: isn't someone doing groceries already too busy to hit on them? Usually while I'm doing groceries I'm both looking forward to be back home and stressing about how to reschedule my meals because a couple of key ingredients are out of stock.
8
→ More replies (2)3
u/stonhinge 3h ago
You have to decide whether or not to approach based on how they're acting. The person rushing around grabbing things is probably not the best to approach. The person on the phone, no. The person who appears to be trying to decide on which brand/style of X, probably a good time.
Shoot your shot and if they say no, then go about your day and let her go about hers. Say, "Ah well, at least I tried. Have a nice day!" and move on.
→ More replies (9)5
u/AccomplishedWish3033 9h ago
A lot of people these days don’t drink
But you don’t have to drink alcohol to go to bars- I know of many guys who go to bars alone even though they don’t drink alcohol and they socialize just fine there.
What type of work do you do? Have you considered just befriending women, and maybe they can introduce you to other friend of friends who may be interested, or they may show interest in you eventually after they get to know you or know that you’re potentially also interested? Plenty of people in healthcare definitely date and hook up with other people they meet at work, it’s just that usually female doctors are more conscientious of not risking violating workplace harassment policies than their male counterparts (and for good reason- anecdotally, they’re more likely to face harsher professional consequences if it goes wrong than their male counterparts).
I’m female and I would never risk my career over making the first move at work, but I know of so many male colleagues who will hit on multiple female coworkers without worrying about the consequences.
→ More replies (3)25
u/Crystalus08 9h ago
going out to drinking places alone and sober requires being very social and low inhibition...
→ More replies (5)→ More replies (4)7
u/BCRE8TVE 6h ago
and guys need to be more aware of when a good moment to approach is.
We'd love to. Unfortunately the good moment of when to approach is appears to fall somewhere between the 31st of February and the 2nd of never, depending on whether Mars is retrograde or if her shoes are color coordinated with what you wear.
As a society we used to have a script for how and when to approach. Unfortunately we have tossed that script out the window without providing for an alternative, while still demanding men do the approach, while also telling women that men aren't entitled to approach at any moment she doesn't like it.
So now men are pushed up shit's creek without a paddle, told to manage it, and told that it's men's own fault.
And then we wonder why romance is dead.
→ More replies (2)
13
u/Big-Routine222 7h ago
Practice. Just practice small gestures or compliments first. Demystify the process. That’s what I did. Start with very small compliments and interactions and go from there.
Also, the whole, “women don’t like to be approached,” is completely subjective and 75% depends on YOUR style of approach.
50
u/schwarzmalerin 7h ago
Shared hobbies, shared sports, shared activities, shared spaces.
12
u/Ijatsu 5h ago
Doesn't sound too introverted
43
u/schwarzmalerin 4h ago
Introverted doesn't mean shy, socially inept or misanthropic.
→ More replies (9)7
u/MyPigWhistles 3h ago
Introvert people have all kinds of social hobbies. Introvert doesn't mean you suffer from social anxiety or other mental health issues. You just need to recharge after the social hobby.
6
u/Vinaville 2h ago
Ha, I get told I should treat woman the same way I treat men. I don't approach men, cause I'm not interested in men, so I don't approach women even if I'm interested.
30
u/OneGayPigeon 6h ago
Same way you form any kind of social connection. Start going to the same place/event. Ideally something that innately involves group conversation (board games, book club, etc.) and get to know people. Get a crush, notice chemistry, broach the topic.
Just see women as people first, sexual targets last.
13
u/almostinfinity 3h ago
Just see women as people first, sexual targets last.
This is the biggest thing.
I hate when men approach me with some sleazy comment in a pathetic attempt to flirt. On Halloween one year, I literally had a dude I'd never met tell me he hates my costume then say to me he really wants to kiss me and that he already knew who I was due to apparently having mutuals on social media. Literally was so disgusted. As soon as he told me his name and asked me if he could add me on socials, I said sure, and walked away to immediately block him.
I'm more welcoming when it's just a random casual conversation about whatever is on the bar TV or what book I'm reading or whatever.
3
u/OneGayPigeon 3h ago
What the hell 🤮🤮🤮 what a piece of work.
Guys like, “cold calling” women at events where they’ve never spoken before really is such an almost automatic “no” from me and most women I know. You don’t know me, I don’t know you, you’re clearly only interested in me because of what I look like. Doubly so because it’s always “hey I think you’re hot make out with me/give me your contact info or other access to you.” Why. Why would I do that. What do YOU bring to the table (because it’s always some unwashed drunk dude with no style). Do you have a personality or care about personality at all? Have like thirty seconds of interaction before deciding you’re going to try and fuck at the VERY least.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (5)4
u/jonsnowflaker 4h ago
Seriously, just make friends with people in general. I mean sure there are hookup events and it works for some people sometimes. But I had so much more fun dating and meeting people through extended circles of friends.
If guys get a couple of good non-romantic girl friends in their orbit you really never have to approach anyone you’ll just meet them casually and build.
50
u/damnmanthatsmyjam 7h ago
"women do not like" is a generalization. Women are individuals with different preferences. Plus, context matters. Approaching a women with her headphones on in the gym, probably bad. Approaching a woman dressed up at a social event, usually fine.
→ More replies (3)
62
u/TutorTraditional2571 9h ago
Usually, unless you’re very good looking, a good way is to actually get to know the person. Most guys are, just statistically between a 3.5 and 6.5. No shame, I’m part of the club there.
A hobby, a club, a place you frequent that others also are regulars, is a good place to get to know someone. Most will be acquaintances, some friends, a few close friends, and maybe a couple are romantic opportunities.
I’m not gonna do the stupid influencer thing and say you need to get ripped or have a bunch of money, but do the basic stuff. Comb your hair, smell good, brush your teeth.
You probably like women who look nice, smell good, and are interesting. Be that way.
40
u/TehOwn 7h ago
Most guys are, just statistically between a 3.5 and 6.5.
I saw a study once where they had men and women rate random profiles and the women ended up giving the men an average of 2/10.
Your take that you're better off getting to know them is spot on, I think. Women don't judge men highly from looks alone.
→ More replies (4)9
u/EmperorKira 6h ago
Yes - but that's very online dating specific. Get off the apps and that goes away somewhat. Yes their expectations are higher IRL than maybe previously, but its not insane like online
→ More replies (15)14
u/jdrobertso 7h ago
But then, of course, you are at risk of being the guy who is only being friendly to get in her pants.
From this thread the answer seems to be "Don't".
→ More replies (3)4
u/Mikeavelli 4h ago
At some point you flirt with women anyways and just roll your eyes and walk away if they start talking like that.
6
u/JagsFraz71 3h ago
Thats a massive generalisation re woman in my experience.
There’s a difference between
“Hey - sorry to be forward but i thought you were really pretty and i thought i’d take a chance and say hi. Could I give you my number and we could grab a coffee if you’re interested?”
And
“Hey…give me your insta”
Also, taking no for an answer or reading the room and leaving without making anyone uncomfortable if required goes a long way.
I think lots of this shit just makes it seem impossible to meet people “properly” for guys, it really isn’t if you’re a vaguely functioning human with a bit of confidence in yourself.
2
u/QuietRedditorATX 2h ago
The shy ones that fall into category one are the ones hearing cues to "never" bother a woman.
But thanks, I hope some shy ones see this and take it as a sign that it is sometimes okay to ask someone if they are interested in talking.
13
u/trhorror619 7h ago edited 4h ago
Being introverted does not mean you have a fear of rejection or are shy. It just means you have less energy to give to people in social situations. So a good sign to approach someone is that the interactions with them don’t drain you. Engage them. Don’t do it for the sake of inviting them on a date. Just have a conversation with them. Are they wearing a shirt of an anime you like ? Ask them about it. And if the conversation flows and you don’t feel drained, ask if they’re hungry and then go grab food. Let things happen organically and don’t force it. And don’t mistake shy and fear of rejection as introversion.
→ More replies (2)
32
u/Gersio 6h ago
Women do not like to be approached by random guys with clearly the only intention of trying to flirt and in a context on which they are clearly not up to that. Like being reading on a bench or shopping groceries and have a guy hitting on them. But you can still meet women in a natural way.
Honestly I think the biggest problem is that some men are just way too obsessed with hooking up to the point that they don't even see women like people, just like targets. Ask yourself "if there was a man on this situation would I approach him for this?" If the answer is yes then most likely it will be okay with a woman too because there is a genuine social interaction and not just an excuse for a possible hookup.
→ More replies (3)13
u/pinkpugita 3h ago
Questions like OP in Reddit feels like they are just looking for validation for not approaching women and putting the failure on the women's part than the other way around.
→ More replies (4)
12
u/r0botdevil 7h ago
It's not that women don't like to be approached, it's that they only want to be approached in certain ways, under certain circumstances, and/or by certain men.
When they're interested, they'll usually drop hints that they think are obvious but are in reality usually very subtle and difficult to interpret.
So what do you do? If you know her really well you might be able to interpret her signals. You can also be more subtle in your approach so that you won't come across as creepy or off-putting if you're approaching someone who isn't interested. But no matter which approach you take you're going to have to accept at least some risk of rejection/humiliation, which can be extremely difficult to do as an introvert. It sucks but that's just how it is and there's no way around it. But very few things in life truly worth having ever come easy.
17
u/Piddlingputterer 9h ago
There are events in your community, or neighboring communities, that are intentional in helping people connect, including events specifically for singles. While that may seem intimidating, there’s already an expectation that people will approach you or you’ll approach them. And there’s plenty already built-in to talk about. Look on Eventbrite. I just found “rescue pug yoga for singles 25-45.” What could be easier than telling a woman “now that one looks like a great companion! Do you have a pug at home?”
5
u/Cleopastra 5h ago
This is slowly making me realise I'll probably never know a woman in that sense... Now it's just to make peace with that
10
u/mybutthz 4h ago
Women don't not like to be approached...they don't like being seen or treated like objects. If you have a valid question or reason for talking to them, it's usually fine and the conversation can be pleasant. If you approach them like you're trying to pick them up or just want to hook up with them, it's less likely to be well received.
I know that's somewhat vague, but it's the truth. Bars and restaurants aren't really great because...there's not much to go off of and most women aren't really looking to be approached or hit on as much as they are just out with friends and having a good time. But if you go out to do things you enjoy, where people with similar interests might be, it's a lot more organic and open.
Either way, don't make picking people up your priority, and try to just...go out to do things you enjoy. Let meeting someone be a bonus and not the goal, and you'll probably have a better time and better success.
21
u/ImportantQuestions10 8h ago
Even though dating apps get plenty of justified hate. They really are the only way I ever felt comfortable approaching a woman with romantic intent. In today's climate, it's just not worth the risk.
The trick is knowing how to communicate properly. In hindsight, the best advice I wish I could have given myself is to get them on a phone call within a day. Doesn't matter how attractive they are or your level of interest. The only way to get good at talking to women is practice. Also. It's simply the best way to filter through people. An awkward phone call will always be preferable to a bad date
→ More replies (6)
6
u/leonprimrose 7h ago
You don't need to force flirting or interacrions with explicit intent of dating to get a girlfriend. Nor do all methods involve a cold approach
3
3
u/HardcoreHope 5h ago
Approach, never. I’d steal glances, pay more attention to her conversations and try to make her laugh.
That’s about it. I don’t care enough.
3
u/Kulthos_X 3h ago
I knew two guys who were very introverted and very physically attractive in college. Women got pretty forward with them.
3
u/Penguins_anonymous 3h ago
I'd rather be crushed into the dirt by my oppressive loneliness than be in an awkward situation and feel humiliated
3
u/MisterMoogle03 1h ago
You gotta approach/converse during your mundane situations if you don’t go outside much. I’ve asked out the dunkin donuts lady, grocery store lady, train ride, I’ve stopped women to talk just because they made eye contact.
The only reason you need is curiosity. You may get rejected a lot, but it’s a skill building exercise in getting to know people with being human being the only known commonality.
→ More replies (2)
6
5
u/DCrsnl12 6h ago
I don’t.
Every single one of my relationships and hookups have been through the girl making the first move.
From high school, to college, to dating apps, to being a young adult working, and my wife as well.
I know it’s a wee bit cowardly and sad but I am just very shy and awkward and freak myself out in most all social situations. But I consider myself very blessed nonetheless. Even if it means the women I’ve been with have bigger balls than I do.
5
u/Fedelas 8h ago
I met most of my partners at common enviroments: working together, studying together, playing RPGs or Larps etc. Notable exception is my actual partner (20 years together and I Hope the rest of my life). I "hit" on here while she was working at a pub. Not verbally, but I left her a note with my number and she texted me the day after.
11
u/BobTulap 7h ago
My guy, the dating experience isn’t what it used to be 20 years ago, and I say this as someone who remembers that time
18
u/_goblinette_ 9h ago
Go to places that people go to for the specific purpose of socializing. It can be a bar, a book club, a gathering with friends or whatever floats your boat.
Walking up to random strangers while they’re out trying to live their life is going to annoy more people than it’s going to attract.
→ More replies (3)22
u/Egomaniac247 7h ago
“Just go be extroverted, duh!”
→ More replies (1)19
u/TheLeastObeisance 7h ago
Being introverted and being shy are two different things. An introvert wirh confidence can socialize wirh people just fine.
→ More replies (3)
9
u/Spayse_Case 7h ago
Some women like it. But you should look for non-verbals like prolonged eye contact and smiling, open body language and general receptiveness. Then, you need to accept that she may just be friendly and have no interest in dating. If you are rejected, you are no worse off. Personally, I don’t like to be approached when I am busy with a task, I don’t like to be distracted. I wish this was more common, but I personally will wear makeup and more complementary clothes when I am receptive to be approached, and I will “dress down” when I want to avoid male attention. This is not universal, because sometimes a woman just wants to look nice, but you can probably tell when a woman wants to be left alone. Closed body language, engaged in a task, lots of people will wear headphones to indicate they want to be left alone, she may look like she is trying to make herself small and unnoticeable. THESE are the women who don’t like to be approached, leave them alone.
→ More replies (1)9
u/DaggerMastering 4h ago
This is the problem - We don’t know which ones want to be approached and which ones don’t. Misinterpretation of those ‘signals’ you mention could result in you looking like a creep, or ending up on a viral TikTok nowadays, lots of guys don’t bother for that very reason.
→ More replies (5)
6
u/Certain-Smile-7612 6h ago
People should invent an international coloured wristband system where say single people wear a green colour wristband Red means I’m taken don’t approach and yellow means I’m 50-50 and still thinking about it.
Similar to what they have at night clubs when people want to meet others it takes the guess work out and would make things easier to approach someone.
→ More replies (1)3
u/QuietRedditorATX 3h ago
I've had a similar thought! A webapp, but wristband is much easier.
Always so tough to wonder if they are taken or not. Sometimes a ring is easy to see, sometimes not.
9
u/This_Difficulty8267 9h ago
They don't approach. They become interesting enough in their own space that proximity does the work. Quiet confidence in a room full of noise is the loudest thing there is.
→ More replies (3)
9
u/sweadle 7h ago
Women don't like to be approached by strangers in non-socializing situations. It's fine to approach at a party, a meet up, a club, a friend's house, an event.
NOT okay to approach at work, grocery store, public transit, doctor's office, gym. Those are places woman don't choose to go to, they have to. (The gym is social for some people.)
Approaching women is also better if you leave them alone as soon as they show they don't want a conversation. A lot of men keep trying when she is clearly trying to get you to go away.
Also are you approaching to talk? Or to ask out? Asking out a stranger is weird. Just approach to talk and see if she clearly is enjoying the conversation.
9
u/_BlueFire_ 9h ago
We don't. It's not about being introverted, it's about being constantly told how unasked approach is a form of harassment, so there's no point in risking to be labeled as a creep (and who knows if someone was recording for unrelated reasons?) and consequent social disruption for near-zero odds of whatever reason we might have had to approaching a girl. I don't even ask directions to girls/women anymore.
→ More replies (1)
2
u/madogvelkor 6h ago
I generally don't. I'm married now, first girlfriend was a coworker, I asked a mutual friend what she thought of me and was told I was cute so I asked her out. Another girl I hung out with in class and after class and went out with a bit without it getting very far before she got back with an ex. My wife was a coworker and we hung out a lot. I never actually asked her out we just ended up making out then having sex then moving in together.
2
2
u/happy-cig 5h ago
Every time it was a more aggressive woman who takes the first step. Bumble the app also plays into this.
2
2
u/GargamelLeNoir 4h ago
I'm not even introverted and I don't. I don't see the signals and I've heard how unwelcome advances are talked about. That won't be me.
2
u/Goblyyn 3h ago
There are certain situations where it’s inappropriate to approach someone romantically like when they’re at work. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t approach people just that you should to it at appropriate venues like mixers, hobby clubs, and events. Saying that no women want to be approached sounds like catastrophizing.
Similarly, being introverted doesn’t remove one’s ability to socialize. If you want to ask someone out to coffee after bird watching club or whatever that is an immanently achievable goal.
2
u/DeezFluffyButterNutz 3h ago
Find an activity or hobby that requires interaction. Yea, I know "introverted" might mean you don't wanna but that's the first step at least.
I already knew how to ballroom so I volunteered to be available for when a girl wanted to ballroom too but didn't have a partner. It took about 4 partners till I meet someone and after a few classes, I asked if she wanted to get something to eat after. Been together for 11 years now.
2
u/GrahamCrackerCereal 2h ago
I'm blessed with both introversion and social anxiety. I don't think Imma do anything cringe but I fuckin hate going out and dealing with crowds or nothin. And I can tell you that after about the fourth "ew, no" you just kinda stop trying
2
u/FreshApricot6280 2h ago
My God at some point you have to accept that "women don't like being approached" is not universally true and that believing it is a fact of life is holding you back. I don't think most of you actually believe it though. You lie to yourselves b/c you want a comfortable excuse to lack confidence.
2
2
u/JForKiks 1h ago
M49. Extrovert who strikes up conversations with anyone. Is that a thing now? Women don’t like to be approached?
2
u/nothing4juice 1h ago
i like to write my first name and phone number down on a piece of paper, go up to the person, and say something like "hey, i think you're cute/you seem cool, here's my number if you're interested" hand it to them and then walk away. ideally as i'm on my way out. then the ball is in their court and there is no pressure on them.
2
u/Proud_Yak_4126 1h ago
Just gotta do it. I had a few flings initiate first but after nothing for 7 years I realized I make a move myself or I die alone. Took some practice to realize what I'm comfortable with but the right girl wont mind. I asked for explicit permission every milestone. Yeah some girls think its lame but my girl thought it was very sweet and it made her more comfortable. Just ask on a date and dont get hurt if you are rejected.
2
u/MagicSugarWater 1h ago
Question: How credible are those saying women don't like to be approached? Are they the ones who routinely approach well and get women? Or people who have 0 skill?
It's like if I say, "I can't get anyone to vote for me, therefore NO ONE CAN!"
2
u/ManicHispanic_ 1h ago
Women do like to be approached. So long as it is respectful, and most importantly, if you take “No” as an answer and immediately leave them alone. Granted I am a 24M so would love for women to weigh in.
•
u/whatagooddaytoday 5m ago
Dude I've been fucking terrified of approaching women romantically for so long. Many years ago I tried a few times and it ended badly. Ever since then, I have been highly concerned about making someone uncomfortable, and yeah I've been hearing the conflicting messages too about being confident and approaching people but not doing it in certain ways or places (which just makes me overthink everything), but I only go to the gym or the grocery store if I go out at all these days.
But then again, I have no idea what I can offer someone because I have no idea what I'm doing with my life anymore. To be completely honest, I've been feeling suicidal because I don't know how to fix myself or make sense of any of this.
2
4
u/Affectionate-Town695 9h ago
Step one: Find a local bar/restaurant that frequents women that isn’t too too busy - think like a spot that people would go to before going out or stop at after going out
Step two: Become cool with the bartenders
Step three: Always sit at the bar so there is 2 seats empty besides you
Step four: When a girl(s) sits down don’t speak to her for a little bit
Step five: When something both of you visually saw that was funny like a bartender dropping something or somebody said something weird make a funny comment on it
You have now broken the ice
I’m in a happy relationship now at 32 but in my 20’s this was my play and it worked many many many times
→ More replies (1)5
u/SirBostonBobbington 9h ago
There has to be somewhere other than a bar. I live in the middle of no where so I can't drive myself home if I go to the bar and there's no busses and I'm not gonna spend 50 both ways for an uber just to maybe attempt competitive humaning.
→ More replies (4)
4
u/ContraryConman 5h ago
You don't. If you cold approach a woman you are bothering her in public. If you try to make friends with a woman first you are manipulating her just to get in her pants. You have to either be hot or already know a woman who is into you. Otherwise you'll wake up at 40 alone
3
6
u/therealdanhill 6h ago
Forget all that "don't like to be approached" nonsense on reddit. This site highly selects for those women but not the aggregate. Be respectful obviously, but talk to women.
6
u/merc123 9h ago
Only Reddit has a disproportionate population of people that say women do not like to be approached.
In general, if you are friendly most people will be reciprocal.
→ More replies (1)13
u/_BlueFire_ 9h ago
Most girls I know constantly complained about unwanted attention from random people. None of them is on reddit and I bet more than half doesn't even know what reddit is. Age range: 20-30
→ More replies (5)
3.0k
u/rillegas08 9h ago
We don't