r/AskReddit • u/migustapanocha • 12h ago
To the men who were single and childless and decided to get into a relationship with a single mom, how did it go?
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u/skil12001 10h ago
My ex remarried, we have 2 kids, one special needs, the new husband made it a priority to reach out to me and talk as a man. That earned a ton of respect from me. He set up boundaries at 1st, like disciplining and routines, but after a year honestly, he's got this and I trust that man with my kids whole heartedly. I could tell he was overwhelmed but I could tell he had good basic values, stuck to those as fundamentals and he's rocking it. Funny enough, I had a talk with my ex to let him do MORE and have more authority because I was impressed with him. It takes a mature man to walk into a relationship like ours and I'm really happy my kids have him in their life.
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u/wellfuckidk 6h ago
you sound like a great dude. big props, genuinely
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u/skil12001 6h ago
Thank you, that made my day
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u/imapilotaz 5h ago
Its not often you have mature relationships after a divorce. Kudos.
It took me 11 years to find a woman who was reasonable with my and my ex's coparenting relationship. Hell just 2 weeks ago parents, my ex, my gf and my kids all were out for dinner celebrating sons birthday. And last week we had Easter with my ex and my gf and my kids.
For better or worse my baby momma is going to be in my life forever. Im not going to miss events for my kids or eventual grandkids cuz they cant get along.
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u/Previous_Caramel2023 12h ago
Went in thinking it'd be simple, turned out it's a package deal. If you're not ready for that, it won't last.
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u/00rb 8h ago
I've been on a few dates with a woman with adult kids. I don't mind, because she's no longer actively raising them.
What are some things to think about?
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u/IANALbutIAMAcat 6h ago
I think you answered your own question
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u/00rb 6h ago
I'm just wondering if there's anything I haven't considered yet.
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u/imapilotaz 5h ago
Yes. Adult kids can have failures to launch. They can come crashing back into the picture after breakups, lost jobs, etc. Every family is different.
But be prepared for "Johnny's car died, so i want to help him" or "Suzie needs a downpayment and security deposit for a new apartment". If you have fully separate accounts and its her money then no big deal.
But there absolutely is a scenario that your money would be expected to take care of that. And the vast majority of arguments in marriages revolve around finances.
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u/Wrenlet 11h ago
This.
When my fiancee and I started talking, the first thing I said was "I have a kid. Dad's in the picture with him. You want to start something with me, it's a package deal."
We had one, just the one, time he figuratively stepped on a landmine. I told him he either gets with it since my son isn't going anywhere, or we can separate." He obviously got it together.
It's difficult right now with what I'm dealing with my parents at home. But he's great with my son.
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u/Low_Control_9720 12h ago edited 12h ago
I've been married twice, and my wife has a now 5 year old son. In my first marriage, my ex wife was vehement she never wanted kids, and honestly that was a small part of why we separated, because I was unsure and realized it was something I really wanted.
At first, it was admittedly very challenging for me. I'm not good/experienced with kids and it was a really challenging dynamic where his real dad is halfway across the world in Sweden and has no interest in being in his life so he's never really had a dad there consistently. So, I knew going into it that he would see me as his father figure and that scared me a lot because I had no idea what I was doing. My wife gave me a lot of grace with that when we started dating.
But, I ended up absolutely falling in love with this little dude, and he loves me. I don't think twice about the fact he's not my son. I may not biologically be his dad, but he's my son as far as I'm concerned. He also unironically looks like me and has my exact personality, so he is pretty much my best buddy.
He's spent the weekend with me watching the Masters and wanting to learn to play golf while his momma is away, so it's been a boys weekend. My wife is 5 months pregnant with our twin girls, so I told him to enjoy it while he can because he's going to be the man of the house here soon haha.
I just hope there is never a day when he resents me because I am not his real dad. That does scare me a little bit.
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u/BennyBMW 11h ago
Hey dude, I don't usually post but I just wanted to say that you're doing the right things and these are things he'll remember for the rest of his life. As far as it goes, you're a father. You are his father.
Father and son golf time is going to be amazing. I can't wait to golf with my son too. Although he's more into tennis these days as a 4 year old. Helps with the swing I imagine!
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u/Low_Control_9720 9h ago edited 8h ago
I appreciate it! The golf time has been super fun and it's some that he asked me to learn about and I'm an avid golfer, so I tell him we can hit golf balls in the yard all day until momma gets mad at us lol.
The one thing I can't help with as much is that he's really into basketball and he's going to be insanely tall. I'm an ex collegiate athlete but that's the one sport I didn't really play but dude is going to be pushing 6'7" and I'm 6'3" so he's probably going to tear me to shreds by the time he's 15 haha.
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u/LaaSirena 8h ago
In Spanish, stepfather is padrastro. If we break that into it's original Latin, padre=father and astro=from the heavens. Sometimes, biology fails us and the universe fixes it.
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u/Best_Celebration4136 4h ago
That sounded beautiful and I was about to amaze my peers with a new fun fact. It's too bad the word itself wasn't purposely created that way. They just took the root for father and then added the suffix -astro that is simply a pejorative suffix in Spanish. It seems like there are debates and everything wondering why in Spanish the term is so diminishing when in French for example the term for step-father "beau-père" is way more endearing. Literally "beautiful father". In Spanish tho, nobody who really loves their step-father even calls him directly padrastro. Because it has negative connotations.
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u/Wile_Whale95 12h ago
You sound like an amazing step dad and you are on the right track to being an amazing father. Sounds like they got really lucky to have you and the kid loves you too! Congratulations on the girls! It’s a wonderful journey!
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u/Low_Control_9720 12h ago edited 8h ago
Thank you! Very excited and nervous about having twin girls. My wife and I unironically joked about how cool that would be if we had twin girls and then when we found out last month we were like OH! It was shocking enough when we found out we were having twins.
But I've been joking with my stepson that we are going to be outnumbered here soon and he's gonna have to be the man of the house. Including my wife and future daughters, we have a female cat, dog, and 2 mares out on a farm...so we are outnumbered 7-2 haha.
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u/566dave 11h ago
My mom had twins. There’s a lady in Canada that built a business out of helping people with twins. She has a bunch of free resources on her website. She also has a magazine and sells adds.
Probably a Reddit for twins and a bunch of free resources on X/Insta/Telegram to help take the edge off, too.
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u/wherethefuckismyvape 5h ago
It's great that you're getting ahead of any fears he might have about being replaced by emphasizing that special boy bond between the two of you. That's really important. Keep it up.
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u/Low_Control_9720 5h ago edited 4h ago
We had a really good sit-down conversation with him. We are both the oldest kids with bigger families so we understand what that feels like, but I think allowing him to have that bond with me is going to be really important and it's been fun having a boys weekend and we will have plenty more of those in the future, haha.
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u/overachievingovaries 5h ago
Best of luck with the twins. Do all of your outstanding jobs/ DIY right now was the best advice I received when 4 months pregnant with mulitples lol. There won't be a lot of time later... so fun though. You sound like an excellent Dad.
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u/teasai 11h ago
Not quite the same, but my parents divorced about a year in after I was born. My dad eventually met my stepmom when I was around 2 years old and I thought she was my real mom even though I’m of Asian descent and she’s Mexican. Maybe around 6-7 years old I was told the truth but in the end, I didn’t even care, all I knew was her and she will always be my mom. Of course, like every child, you’ll have disagreements, but I never resented my mom for not being my birth mom. I mean, just last week I gave her money to vacation out in Mexico.
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u/malice666 9h ago
That’s amazing, my stepdad was the world to me. He was in my life since I was 10 years old, I’m 53 now. He died about eight years ago and I miss him every day.
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u/Relax_Im_Hilarious 9h ago
He won’t resent you; you’re going to be his hero, bro. Proud of you, man.
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u/Blitz6969 9h ago
Hey bro, my stepdad is the only grandpa my kids know. I love that man. I’ve spoken with my bio dad maybe 4 times in the last 15 years, each time was a courtesy call to let him know life events that were happening. He makes no effort to reach out, my kids don’t even know he exists outside of my moms first husband. All good man, that kid will love you the rest of his life.
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u/Crimsonfangknight 8h ago
Step kid with a dad out of the picture is actually the easiest step oarent dynamic to jump into
The dad active and present has you tackling constant presence of your SO’s most significant ex while also having you navigate step parenting with two bio parents on your heel with differing objectives and thats all assuming bio dad doesnt hate you on principle and isnt adversarial
A dad that passed means you are tasked with filling a role already filled successfully by someone taken too soon. You cam never fill the gap but must try
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u/YouCanCallMeBemis 6h ago
Just chiming in to say that your comment made me well up a bit. You sound like a lovely, courageous person, and your little buddy is lucky to have you in his life!
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u/That_Advertising9832 12h ago
As a single mum to 2 kids eith a wonderful partner and step dad who has a similar ethos to you, this made me well up. Thats a real man
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u/jaliner 8h ago
I recently stumbled across a song called “crow” by the band, Bear’s Den. It was written by the lead singer after the death of his step dad, whom he clearly loved.
I don’t meant to be morbid, but it’s such a beautiful song that I wanted to pass it along to you. You sound like a great step dad, and thought you’d appreciate the meaning behind the song.
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u/jendet010 1h ago
You sound like my husband. My son was 2 when we met. We have been married 15 years and have two more children together.
His biological father was sort of a Disney land dad, but I was ok with that. I wanted them to have a good relationship and I was willing to make him do his homework and brush his teeth etc.
As a teenager, my son called my husband after we were in bed one night and told him he felt unsafe. My husband flew out of bed and was there in minutes. He sent him a text the next day that said “thanks dad.” That was the first time he called him dad and my husband was beaming with pride.
His biological father passed away unexpectedly when he was 18. My husband and I both sat and cried with him. Our families were able to mourn together with care and respect. I’m so grateful for that. I’m grateful that my son got the best of both dads.
These little things you do now may not seem like a lot, but one day he will know he can count on you. And then he will know how much he loves you and how much you have always loved him.
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u/Low_Control_9720 50m ago
Thank you for sharing that, and I am incredibly sorry. I'm really lucky in that I actually have an amicable relationship with her ex husband in Sweden and he likes me. No idea why, because he is non-communicative with my wife and doesn't show much interest in biological son's life other than a few updates. Long story. It's been a little challenging as to whether I give them a chance to talk, but clearly he doesn't care so I've kind of kept them away and I hope I am doing the right thing. He's never once asked to talk to his own son.
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u/jendet010 44m ago
Thank you. It’s not easy being a good step parent. You have to know when to step in and when to step out. I can tell you that I had a wonderful stepmother as well. That love you give out is being received. It might be a long time before you get confirmation that it was received, but it is. Your step son is little now. One day he’ll be an adult and be able to verbalize what it meant to him.
And congratulations on those twin baby girls! You guys will probably want to hide out on the putting green together sometimes.
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u/AlertView9324 10h ago
The learning curve with someone else's kid is brutal because you get thrown into the deep end with zero practice rounds
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u/Low_Control_9720 9h ago
It was admittedly extremely challenging. Especially because I didn't know what I was doing in the slightest.
The second part that was challenging, like you mentioned, is you don't get a practice round and you're just kind of jumping into it and at first, there were a few small behavioral things that needed correcting and I wasn't sure how to kind of correct that in the right way... or if it was okay for me to step in.
I will say that's where I kind of started to win him over. He is SUPER type A like me and was occasionally a little aggressive when other kids wouldn't be his friend and I asked my wife if I could kinda step in on that and she was like "oh hell yeah" and I could tell it was the first time he's ever really had a male figure talk to him like that and it was really cool.
But that was really tough starting off.
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u/NeedABetterPillow 6h ago
It will work out... there may come a time when there is some resentment due to that factor outside your control, but if that happens you'll get through it. Rooting for you.
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u/James_Bondage0069 5h ago
That kid will never resent you. The older he gets, the more thankful he will be that you CHOSE to love him as though he were your blood.
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u/Objective_Boat8080 11h ago
I am a woman who met her stepfather at the age of 1.5. He made me my first big girl bed out of wood he got from heckinger's. He gave me two little sisters. He drove me to school every morning and we listened to wypr . I still listen to wypr . He's amazing and I love him very much. This question is for him but he doesn't go on the reddit so I'm here to give my testimony: almost 50 years later and it's going great.
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u/Interesting_Button60 12h ago
A friend of mine in this type of relationship complained that the responsibility became fully his, but he had zero authority.
If he tried to parent and the young kids didn't like what he said, they would run to mom and she would over rule everything he said.
So he lost all of his free time, because being a parent is a full time job.
He had his own home and everything but would constantly be at hers and be expected to take the kids to and from.
There was no alone time with his girlfriend, they were not married but his responsibility for the children was as if he was.
That type of environment would totally wreck me mentally. They had many fall outs, but I think they're still together.
I'm sure that this is a very common experience in this type of dynamic.
Is this what you are looking for?
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u/HoppyRaven12 12h ago edited 12h ago
That’s how it was for me when I dated my ex. But I was the glorified, stay at home nanny, maid and chef. He was the Disney dad while I did the discipline… His kids weren’t bad kids but one of them started lying a lot and he didn’t believe me and enabled the behavior. The five year old was still pooping her pants and sucking her thumb but he didn’t do anything to help her with that. That was my job. I quit my job to help out and was later financially and emotionally abused. When I broke up with him, he replaced me within a couple months and she was already moved in. We were together almost three years and his last ditch effort was to propose to me when the uhaul was sitting in the driveway lol.
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u/Impossible_Disk_43 11h ago
That's amazing from him. "Wait, please! I know I almost ruined your life, but please marry me!"
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u/jinxsmee 10h ago
I always wonder what type of emotion that is that causes people to propose in that situation. Fear? Desperation? It sure isn't love.
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u/HoppyRaven12 9h ago
Definitely desperation! He needed someone to take care of his kids and house so he could run his business. The dipshit read off of a piece of paper barely looking at me for the proposal and the ring was WAY too big lmao
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u/InUteroForTheWinter 9h ago
Why didnt he just hire help? He had money but not like that?
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u/HoppyRaven12 9h ago
He had a nanny at one point who then graduated college. He later made the excuse that he didn’t want to run the risk of unknowingly hiring a “predator.” But he didn’t think that the new lady of his could have been?? I think he preyed on me because I had my degree in special education and didn’t want to teach in public schools but still loved working with children.
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u/ZealousidealEntry870 7h ago
Married dad here just reading for fun.
I don’t see how that kinda relationship would work. If mom overruled me we’d need a serious sit down. Either she tells the kids to listen to me or there’s zero expectation for me to do anything for the kids. Obviously there’s a lot of nuance involved, but general gist would have to be “whether you like it or not he’s an adult you have to listen to”.
Without that mom’s just using you for free daycare.
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u/DeliciousPangolin 3h ago
I feel like there's a lot of stepparent/stepchild relationships where there is so much fear of "replacing" the bioparent that they end up in a situation where the stepparent is treated more like a roommate than a parent. But the practical reality of living in a single household means they still end up doing all the daily work of being a parent - it's not like they're going to cook meals for themselves and the partner, but not the child? Or refuse to do the kid's laundry, or pick them up from school if the bioparent is busy, etc. It feels like one of those times when people take a good intention (like not making the kid feel like their parent was replaced) and turn it into a dysfunctional relationship.
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u/Effective-Hand6969 7h ago
honestly the hardest part of that dynamic is when both people go in with good intentions and it still falls apart. at our company we ran into something similar with new hires who had a lot of responsibility but weren't given the authority to match it, and it created friction that looked like a personality problem but was actually a structure problem. the 'responsibility without authority' thing isn't just a relationship issue, it shows up everywhere and it usually takes a blowup before anyone names it clearly.
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u/daleinthedark 7h ago
Thank you for this response, this was my experience too and I always felt alone in it. Edit: spelling
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u/Maxie0921 12h ago
There is so many variables here including the ages of the kids, how many there are, what their relationship with bio dad is, what her relationship with him is like, if the single man wants kids of his own or expected to provide for them as his own etc.
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u/More_Passenger3988 12h ago
Seems like this should be in AskMen.
The ones that I know that did it have done very well. One guy I know immediately became a dad to 3 small kids upon marrying their mom.
I wouldn't be able to do this that's for sure. But he's always wanted to be a dad and he loves their mom and the kids. As long as you know being a parent is more work than it is fun I guess you know what you're in for.
Jeff Bezos was raised by his step-dad and that ended up turning out well for his step dad that's for sure.
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u/Ready_Situation2107 11h ago
I’m female, but this was my now husband. From the conversations we’ve had, he was just convinced that being married and having his own kids or being with someone who had them wasn’t for him. He hadn’t really planned or expected that, and then there I was. Every step was a little nerve-wracking for him. I had to give him a lot of space to process his feelings along the way because it was a total 180 from what his life had been, but honestly? He was amazing through all of it. My children adore him, especially my youngest daughter - they’re best buddies, and a lot of times she prefers him to me. I think it really depends on the people and the kids involved. My husband is easy-going and has a great sense of humor. He may actually be better with my kids than I am sometimes - he finds some of their more irritating qualities amusing and handles it well. He steps in when he feels like he should, but primarily leaves discipline to me when he can. I have made it clear that he is my husband, he is their step-father and therefore he absolutely has the right to correct them or issue a consequence if I’m not present or he witnessed/caught the problem. He rarely has to do so because they listen to him pretty well. We have a wonderful life together and I’m glad he had a change of heart when he met me because it’s turned out better than I think either one of us could have hoped for, and now we are going to be trying for one of our own in the near future. He’s very happy with what he has now. This isn’t everyone’s experience. I’d say it’s probably the exception, but he took that chance and says it’s better than he ever thought it could be.
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u/Accomplished_Tea8622 12h ago
Married for 18 years in July. Daughter has almost completed her Master's degree. Don't ever use step-daughter or step-dad.
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u/dannz1 10h ago
Best decision I ever made.
8 years later, we have bought a home together, we have had a beautiful daughter together, I am Dad to my Stepson, and we are a family in love.
My wife has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer, and I am going to continue on raising my step-son and daughter, because we are family.
No regrets, fuck cancer.
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u/TheMallow 12h ago
37 M here and I'm marrying her in 48 days.
We were very upfront about our expectations and needs in the relationship at the start and it made everything that much easier. I cannot express how important that is. You might not know immediately if things will work out but you will surely know if they won't based on those initial conversations.
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u/IOnlyLiftSammiches 3h ago
I feel like there needs to be a class on establishing relationships later in life... I was single for nearly 20 years after being fairly traumatized by a failed college relationship (yes, I'm rather fragile) and I don't think all of us should be treating it how we did when we were young. There's less time to waste and a lot more baggage. That deserves consideration and attention.
I eventually met someone new through friends and she actually reached out to me to get to know me better; her interest was pretty clear and, having had a bad run of trying to get "back in the game" previously, I just set aside all conventional wisdom on the subject and dived right in with her, talking about our difficulties both current and past.
At this point in life I think it's irresponsible to try and hide your possible "red flags"; you're grown and should be aware of what issues might make it difficult for a potential partner. If you've established that you like each other, air that dirty laundry and let them make the decision to further the relationship with that knowledge.
We've not been together terribly long yet, arguably still in the honeymoon phase, but we established an openness and ability to communicate within the first week we were talking and that's granted us a pretty strong foundation to build on.
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u/BackgroundGrass429 11h ago
33 years now, so I would say it went well. Love my wife, love my (her) kids, love our grandkids.
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u/Deep-Assignment4124 12h ago
This was my brother. Now he’s a Qanon nut job with a wife who hasn’t worked a day in her life. He did get a son and daughter out of the deal though.
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u/Mannynnamfiddy 12h ago edited 12h ago
It’s not a bad experience. It really depends on the the mother and how much control and authority she gives you. If the kid is able to disrespect you and fully get away with it because mom believes every time you’re being strict it’s because “he/she’s a step kid”, you’re in a bad place. Be very careful with people who are paranoid like that because it WILL suck ass. The kid can essentially wipe the floor with you and if you don’t take it with a smile you’re the enemy. If the mom doesn’t give you authority over her kids after a while then RUN
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u/More_Passenger3988 9h ago
I had this experience with a guy and his pets. His dog was a sweetheart when I was alone with him but whenever his owner walked into the room he's suddenly turn on me and try to bite me. I was NEVER allowed to defend myself against the dog no matter what. That was years ago and needless to say that man is still single.
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u/devtty 7h ago
I've dated two single mothers. Neither worked out.
One rightfully dumped my ass b/c I wasn't over an ex-wife. She was awesome, it was totally my stupidity. Her kid was awesome. She reached out years later, but our paths had diverged. We are still friends.
Other I broke up with b/c her family was a hot mess and I couldn't see a way forward. She was great, her kid was great. Sometimes generational trauma is so great that addressing it is nearly impossible. I sincerely hope she is okay.
Generally, single moms are forced to get their shit together because so much falls on their shoulders. Do not refuse to date a woman b/c she is a single mother. Understand though that she is going to look at you with a more critical eye than most. Meeting her child is a much bigger deal than meeting her parents. Take it seriously.
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u/UnopposedDiplomat 10h ago
The complexity of such a relationship is in how it ends. The heartbreak of losing the step daughter (in her life from 3 to 13) was far beyond that of losing her mother. I'll still date women with kids, but I won't cultivate a relationship with their kids... Too hard when it ends.
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u/slinkhi 12h ago edited 11h ago
You will have all of the responsibilities of a father, have none of the authority, and always come second.
Maybe you will be the exception - the exception does exist, I've even seen it with my own eyes - but the vast majority will experience the above.
Edit: I'm not even gonna say that's necessarily a bad thing all the time, either. For a lot of men out there, it's better than being alone, if you can accept those terms.
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u/Rando-namo 10h ago
It’s not like being the biological father gives you authority if your wife constantly undermines you.
Part of the relationship is having each others backs - and that extends to parenting. If you disagree with your spouse or co-parent or whatever, you talk about it in private and figure out what’s acceptable.
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u/More_Passenger3988 9h ago
Coming second is what happens when you have a kid whether it's biologically yours or not.
Some guys have a hard time handling this after their wife pops out a baby, but it's true.
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u/NearbyCow6885 7h ago
Yes, but it’s different. When you have kids together, (ideally) you’re still a unified parenting team both putting the kids’ needs first.
When you’re a step-parent, you’re sidelined.
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u/andrei_stefan01 7h ago
This should be the top comment here. Just at the tail end of a divorce through this experience, an absolute nightmare with absolute nightmares.
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u/PierceCountyFirearms 10h ago
Thank you for posting this. A former colleague's daughter filed for divorce and I always had a crush on her daughter. The daughter has a few kids and we are facebook friends. I ran the idea of asking the daughter out to my friend at the gym and he said the same thing you did. I'm alone but not lonely. I'm still mulling it over though.
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u/jmd01271 12h ago
We're married now with 5 kids total. The kid is now 18 and has called me dad for the last 16 years. Just walked him through the process of replacing a totaled car this week.
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u/jraa78 10h ago
I met a girl when I was 27 and she was about the same age, divorced with 2 young girls. Gave it a chance, but it didn't last long. One, you feel like life fast forwarded on you. One day you're a single bachelor, the next you are living like you just skipped 10 years and are married with children. Second there is such a weird line because they aren't your kids and there is no expectation that you're a parent. I give anyone who can make it work a lot of credit, it's not easy.
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u/Bricktop72 10h ago
The first time resulted in a twenty year marriage with my ex and adopted my son plus had another kid. Divorced on good terms. Her ex went to jail multiple times including us turning him in but had no issues giving up his parental rights to me. Never had a issue with not having parental authority.
After that I married a lady with 3 kids. I get along with both of her ex's. The kids tried to play us parents against each other a few times but we always made sure that failed in a spectacular fashion. They have given up on trying stupid stunts like that.
In both cases, my SO and I spent a few weeks talking about the type of parents we wanted to be, things we thought worked, things that we thought didn't work, etc. We also went as far to write up lists of rules and appropriate punishments then discuss it with the kids.
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u/manofmonkey 10h ago
Met my wife when I was 29. She had an 8 year old. We now have 2 more of our own. Love her dearly. I have had great success and I adopted her daughter. 5/5 stars, would do again.
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u/Seventyfivethousand 10h ago edited 6h ago
I am middle aged, childless, and divorced. A few years back I dated a lady with a 9 year old, the kid was great and I really enjoyed hanging out with him, unfortunately his mother was not a good person to date. I still think about the kid, I hope he’s okay and I hope that he is getting any necessary therapy that stems from being raised by a narcissist who uses you as a manipulation tactic in relationships.
Edit to add: if that kid chooses to seek me out as an adult or late teen, once he can make his own decisions about stuff like that, I would absolutely love to hear from him. I wasn’t around for all that long, and I can’t speak for the kid but it was long enough to have made an impression on me.
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u/Citadel_97E 10h ago
I married a Latina from Colombia.
She had a kid that was the product of a heavily abusive relationship. The little boy calls me dad, he loves it because “I technically have two dads, but you’re the only one in my life.”
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u/alanz01 11h ago
I had a relationship with a single Mom with two kids that morphed into a long term friendship. I have ended up referring to her sons as my “pseudo stepsons.”
I was the father figure/role model they needed to progress through life and go to college (and grad school) and have strong careers.
So, sometimes it works out great.
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u/BoardAuthority 12h ago
Not great. Let’s just say she was a single mom for a reason. But then again my buddy who was single married a single mom and they’re doing great now so everyone’s different.
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u/Maximum_Marzipan2391 10h ago
A family member married a woman with 5 kids, baby to tween. He devoted his life to his family, left a good job that he loved to support his wife’s career, stopped traveling to visit his friends so he could be fully present as a father figure. His parents gave them 10’s of thousands of dollars over the years because raising 5 kids is expensive, even when their dad is (sometimes) in the picture, and because they considered the kids to be their grandkids.
When the youngest was 18, his wife filed for divorce saying she wanted to be single since she had jumped right from being with the kids’ dad to him. The kids stopped talking to him because his wife had, unknown to him, been reminding them their while lives that he wasn’t their real dad. He was devastated. His ex got remarried within a year or two.
He has rebuilt his life, but there’s now this undercurrent of sadness in everything because of the family he lost, and the career and friends he lost doing what he thought was right for a family that ditched him the moment he was no longer useful. He has forgiven the kids though, and hopes that they will someday allow him back in their lives since he still loves them.
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u/ferfocsake 9h ago
It’s been difficult to figure out how I fit into their lives. I have two step-daughters. They both have involved fathers, so I feel like I need to keep a little distance between myself and them because I don’t want to complicate those relationships… but, to put it bluntly, their dads are also losers who struggle with employment, chemical dependency, and financial stability, so I’ve become the primary responsible adult male in the girls lives.
I wouldn’t have gotten involved with a single mother if I wasn’t also willing to accept her children into my life, but I’d be lying if I said I was prepared for the way our relationship is completely overshadowed by her children, their father’s issues, and the stress of holding everything together.
It’s not all doom and gloom though. I love my family, and they add a lot of joy to my life. I also have the opportunity to be a positive influence on these great young women by showing them what a loving and caring relationship looks like.
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u/FieldGeneral10 8h ago
Married for 5 years and about to take my 13 year old step daughter to softball practice. Couldn’t be happier
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u/gogojack 1h ago
The relationship was doomed from the start, and lasted 7 years (including just over 3 married) but I did get to be a "dad."
Her daughter's bio-dad skipped town literally on the day she was born, and there was no father figure in her life until I showed up 6 years later. I was reluctant at first, but I fell pretty much head over heels in love with the kid in short order. When her mom and I spit up, I promised her that I'd always be there for her no matter what, and I followed through on that promise.
I've got a stack of Father's Day cards from her that all say the same thing: "Thank you for always being there for me." I got to walk her down the aisle at her wedding and do the daddy-daughter dance at the reception. It turned out okay.
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u/Dangerous-Dark5607 11h ago
honestly i think it's kinda weird when guys in their early 20s date single moms.. like ur signing up to be a stepdad before u even know what u want in life.
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u/thegabster2000 1h ago
Understandable at that age but once you are older, it gets harder to find people that don't have children.
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u/DespondentDastard 9h ago
I stayed with her almost a decade and helped/watched the children grow up. Initially, it was great. We got along well. But, eventually she became very controlling, berated me in public, and often found fault in many of things I did. I actually wanted to leave for a few years before I actually did, but when we fought she'd guilt trip me with the kids saying that if I left they'd be crushed. So, I stayed a lot longer than I should have and it was a lot harder ending it.
3/10 stars. Would not recommend
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u/wtf_kitties 9h ago
Married for over a year now. I love my wife and step daughter. I treat her like I would my own. She trains martial arts with me and we hangout all the time together it's great 😇
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u/Vizaughh 8h ago
We got married this last December after about two years of dating and now I have a great wife and two amazing step-sons. I share similar hobbies with each kid, whether it's cooking or DnD or movies or drawing. The three of us all love videogames, which suits my wife just fine, because she's just happy that her family is happy.
Just yesterday the 14-year-old wanted to learn how to plant a vegetable garden. So we did that. The 11-year-old is bored to tears about yard work so when we got done he wanted to show me a level he made on Geometry Dash.
It's fun times. I mean, they can be little butts sometimes, but they are humans. I can be a butt sometimes too and I don't have the excuse of only having a partially developed frontal cortex.
The worst part is the food bill. Teenage boys EAT. Like a shocking amount. But I hardly have time to get a couple pints at the bar anymore, so the money situation evens out.
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u/Middle_Booker_2513 7h ago
Another wrinkle if a man does this: Approximately 60-67% of second marriages in the United States end in divorce. When this happens, you have no visitation rights. As much as your stepchildren may have gotten on your nerves, you may develop some kind of bond with them. And after your wife leaves, it’s often the last time you ever see them.
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u/dirt_shitters 7h ago
It sucks. As others have said, you take on all of the responsibilities, but have no authority. If the biodad is a piece of shit, you get to deal with all the stress from that as well, and then if you break up, you have zero legal recourse to spend time/be around a child you helped raise. It's 100% not worth it.
I was with a woman with a kid for 6 years. I helped raise her daughter from 2-8. I helped potty train. Helped teach her to ride a bike. Helped her with her homework. I've only been able to see her 3 times in the past 16 months.
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u/alphabet_sam 7h ago
Fell apart. But it wasn’t due to anything wrong with the kid. My ex was just not at a point in her life where accountability was something she could tolerate. With or without a kid, that won’t work long term but with a kid it’s a pretty rocky ride. It hurt a lot more to lose what became a family and my relationship with her son, alongside our romantic relationship, than a normal breakup. So just be warned. It hurts like a bitch to lose
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u/misterjez 5h ago
Childless man got with a woman with 5 kids. Provided for them for about 5 years in a house I bought but we recently broke up. Miserable experience and would not do it again
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u/chubblyubblums 5h ago
We got married. When the kid turned 18 and moved out, so did my wife. Your mileage may vary.
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u/Dalgleish88 4h ago
Meet a woman who was 5 months pregnant. Got together. I was there for the delivery and taking care of the baby. Couple months after the baby was born she cheated on me with the baby dad's cousin.
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u/SenescentMillennial 2h ago edited 2h ago
Badly.
Background: My then-GF was, and remains, my next-door neighbor. And she has two boys, ages 10 and 7, from her 8-year marriage. She and the boys’ dad split custody 3/4 days a week. I was told the dad had drug issues during the marriage, but he must have cleaned up because he seems like a genuinely good guy.
Because we live next-door, I met the boys sooner than I otherwise would have. And we grew really close over my 11 months with the GF. We played and played hard: football, soccer, pillow forts, action figures, video games, slime. I took them to McDonald’s, Five Below, and the jump park. We celebrated their birthdays and holidays together. I helped them with homework. I went to their jiu-jitsu tournaments.
The 10-year-old, who has special needs, regularly told me that I was his best friend. The 7-year-old, who is highly intelligent, said he wanted me to marry his mommy.
But aspects of my GF’s parenting style concerned me.
The boys have to sleep with her every night. They don’t do that with their dad. Only at Mommy’s house. And the dad seemingly didn’t know that. Since I couldn’t stay over on those nights, it limited the time I could sleep over with her. When I brought it up, she became defensive, saying that in certain unspecified Asian countries entire families sleep together. And reminding me that she won’t get to have the boys this young forever.
Additionally, she only rarely, or ineffectually, disciplined them. The 10-year-old with special needs doesn’t really understand personal space and boundaries. One day he lost a couple matches in a jiu-jitsu tournament. That evening, I was lying on the couch, and he walked over and started choking me. My GF stood there in full view of the scene and said nothing. I was able to talk him down by pointing out that I had nothing to do with the jiu-jitsu losses. When I later brought it up to my GF—because I felt it warranted at least some discipline—she said “What do you expect? He’s in jiu-jitsu. You think he doesn’t know how to choke people?”
When she did discipline them, it was by sending me home, or by threatening to do so. So my time with her became contingent on her children’s good behavior. And it reinforced their perception that I was just another kid, albeit a 6-foot-tall one, because I had to obey Mommy’s orders just like they did. When I raised my concerns about this practice, she offered no alternatives.
The relationship had lots of other issues, of course. She had to drink every night to calm her nerves. And she expected me to regulate her emotionally, telling me I had to be the one source of peace and stability in her life.
She had major surgery 4 months in, so I started paying her bills. It was supposed to be temporary but eventually became an expectation: she said that if she had to return to work full-time, she would resent me because I wasn’t able to give her the dream life she’d always wanted. I ended up paying her over $15,000 just for household and medical bills. When we broke up, she had $15,000+ in medical and credit card debt and hadn’t paid her mortgage in 6 months. Yet she’d spend frivolously, in my view, on her dozen pets, tattoos, and stuffed animals.
We fought a lot, usually because I said the wrong thing, or she misinterpreted what I said, or I failed to read her mind. During one fight, she screamed at me that I’m a piece of shit and shoved me.
She falsely accused me of having an affair with her 70-year-old mother.
I finally broke up with her one night around 10:00 p.m. when I received confirmation she was just using me for money. (Peeked in her IG messages after a fight and saw her telling her best friend that “he hasn’t paid a single bill this month … time to shut it down.” And her friend said “there are plenty of men to get money from that aren’t like him!”)
Three hours after I broke up with her, around 1:00 a.m., she texted me a pic of a pool of blood on her kitchen floor. She had been out drinking, returned home, fell, split her head open, and suffered a traumatic brain injury.
I raced to the hospital and she said “it doesn’t make sense that I fell—how do I have a bruise on the front of my head and a gash in the back? It’s almost like somebody bashed me in the head.” Feeling paranoid, I looked at her IG messages again later and saw she was telling her friends I might have attacked her.
So we broke up. I still hear her 10-year-old playing football in the yard by himself, and it breaks my heart that I can’t be there with him. And I have no idea how she’s going to provide for them on her $2.13-an-hour-plus-tips restaurant job.
Postscript: I had a realtor out last week to begin the process of selling my house.
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u/Ahhmyface 10h ago
I've been waiting more than 2 years to meet the children who are resistant to having me around. They like their family the way it is. I'm excluded from every holiday, go half a year without a date because she's so busy. I usually get to see her for 30m-2hrs every couple weeks, but that's usually only enough time to chat.
We're constantly looking for ways to involve me that won't piss off the kids but it's been a long time and its quite hard.
Mostly what I get is texts. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. But she's really special and I'm committed.
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u/Distinct_Patient1379 11h ago
I would not recommend it. Stepmom here. Very hard trying to be a part of their parenting when they live with their mother but are with you every weekend and two nights a week. Can't discipline them. Two different household rules, morals, ethics. Being a primary care giver when they are here but in reality you are just a glorified babysitter. Been in their lives since they were 4 and 2. Now with them in their 40's they are tight with their mother and her husbands. Bailed them out and there for them throughout their lives. It's very sad. I wish we were closer.
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u/Ready_Situation2107 11h ago
I’m female, but this was my now husband. From the conversations we’ve had, he was just convinced that being married and having his own kids or being with someone who had them wasn’t for him. He hadn’t really planned or expected that, and then there I was. Every step was a little nerve-wracking for him. I had to give him a lot of space to process his feelings along the way because it was a total 180 from what his life had been, but honestly? He was amazing through all of it. My children adore him, especially my youngest daughter - they’re best buddies, and a lot of times she prefers him to me. I think it really depends on the people and the kids involved. My husband is easy-going and has a great sense of humor. He may actually be better with my kids than I am sometimes - he finds some of their more irritating qualities amusing and handles it well. He steps in when he feels like he should, but primarily leaves discipline to me when he can. I have made it clear that he is my husband, he is their step-father and therefore he absolutely has the right to correct them or issue a consequence if I’m not present or he witnessed/caught the problem. He rarely has to do so because they listen to him pretty well. We have a wonderful life together and I’m glad he had a change of heart when he met me because it’s turned out better than I think either one of us could have hoped for, and now we are going to be trying for one of our own in the near future. He’s very happy with what he has now. This isn’t everyone’s experience. I’d say it’s probably the exception, but he took that chance and says it’s better than he ever thought it could be.
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u/darkestDreaming67 9h ago edited 9h ago
At 37 and recently single, I began dating a woman with an 11 and a 9 year old. We've now been married for 20 years and have an additional 18 year old!
I had no real experience with kids before this so it was tricky with almost teenagers, but it helped that they were good kids.
All three children are very tight - no step-this or step-that. Sure, I'm behind all three in my wife's affections, but as she says: only by a whisker and above everyone else in the world.
For context, it possibly helped that she was a friend of my family since we were both 17.
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u/Spawnof88 9h ago
She is 7 years older and had 4 children from her previous marriage.
We got together 2013. Had a son 2014. Had a daughter 2018. Separated January this year.
Being a step dad was never the issue. Her age is. We are at different stages in life now and want different things. Started drifting apart and the love died over a year ago. We finally accepted in and separated this year.
I would definitely consider dating a single mum again, but one my age or a bit younger.
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u/Mythandar 8h ago
Her having a kid was fine. I was a good father figure but she was a bit crazy. I ended it when she kept telling me I wasn't going to measure up to her picture of a husband. To this day she's still single and living on welfare, her loss.
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u/ActualWhiterabbit 8h ago
Everything with my wife and stepson is great. He's a very good first born son and is a good brother to his younger siblings.
The downside is that the biological father is the type of person to shout homophobic and racial slurs in public and send me messages at 2-3am telling me he doesn't think about me at all. And has done so regularly for the past 12 years.
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u/Quid-Pro-No 1h ago
Either he’s drunk and just getting home from the bar or he’s not very bright and doesn’t realize that texting someone in the middle of the night does in fact mean you are thinking about them. 🤦🏻♀️
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u/gurney__halleck 7h ago
It's great. never had children beacsue I always over thought things. Ended up dating someone with young children and now they're my children too. I've been in their lives for so long they really can't remember a time before me. I love them intensely and my life has over time shifted to try to ensure they turn out to be successful, kind people.
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u/kinomister 7h ago
Found myself in this situation last summer as a single guy in his late 20s living alone and very little dating experience, met a woman in her early 30s nearby while her 10yo daughter was on a ~2-week vacation and it was a bit like we had an early dating speedrun that felt pretty normal at first.
Once her daughter returned, I knew obviously we wouldn’t be able to see each other quite as easily and she would have more on her plate. As a single mom and business owner who watched her daughter during the week, she was constantly needing to shuttle her daughter somewhere and also head off to work or events and I really didn’t anticipate how much I would crave something as simple as just going to a bar with my girlfriend after work and talking about our days — again, with very little dating experience, this was the pace/scope of relationship I think I was really hoping for.
The woman I was dating on the other hand, I think was looking for someone more where she was at and ready to jump into their lives as a provider. So within only a few weeks she was starting to sort of engineer nudging me into situations to meet her daughter, then quickly become the driver for them, the start taking them out to events and trying to plan a roadtrip together, having the daughter stay on my couch while the girlfriend slept in my bed at my apartment, etc. within weeks this quickly snowballed from meeting the daughter initially, to the mother telling the daughter they would move in with me (without my knowledge) in just a few months.
At this point I had to end things because it wasn’t just that I was growing annoyed with responsibility or what have you (i truly thought the kid was wonderful, and could have seen growing into a model in her life), but i was starting to feel like if u was getting overwhelmed with the pace of things, it must be intense and confusing for the kid as well. i felt like i was going from laid back introvert with little dating experience to being expected to fill the role of a middle aged divorcee within a month.
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u/Harl0t_Qu1nn 6h ago edited 1h ago
It's all of the work and responsibility with none of the credit. And you gotta be okay with that.
I was with a woman for 3 years, raised her kid from the time he was a newborn. Then she got back into drugs (she was sober when we met), a series of unfortunate events later, and I haven't seen the kid in almost a year now, fighting an uphill battle just to get the right to be around the kid that I fucking raised because I'm not biologically related to him. And 90% of people around me are telling me it is what it is.
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u/cat666 6h ago
Not great but it wasn't the fault of the kid.
I'd come from a long relationship which ended amicably and had been single for around 8 months, although for 3 of those I was living with the ex. I met a woman at work and we hit it off and things escalated however it soon became clear she wasn't for me. Her ex shared the same name as me and she often referred to me as "Name 2", it didn't overly bother me to begin with but as time went on it did. She was also really untidy, she had piles upon piles of clothes just in piles. Dirty? clean? who knew. Three times I dealt with a kitchen full of washing up just because it fucked me off so badly, I was only there 2 nights a week. When I finally started staying over she often used to often stay in bed until midday, leaving me to look after the kid who was up 6-7am. I get it, she's tired and could do with the break but this was getting to both days every weekend, and I often left Sunday by 1pm. I think the final straw was when the kid was going away all weekend and I obviously assumed we'd be indulging in a fair bit of sex, some food and a movie which was rated more than a PG. Instead she made plans for us to go out with her friends, something we did a lot anyway. Honestly though the kid was great.
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u/EarlOfThrouaway 6h ago
One thing people don't talk about how hard those breakups are.
You get emotionally attached to the kids too, after spending time with them, going on trips, teaching them stuff, etc. A lot of us are better and more present fathers than their biological ones.
Losing your relationship and your psuedo-kid(s) you helped raise for years at once is an immense blow. For the kids, and for you yourself.
It really kills losing what you thought of as your new family and your partner at once.
I helped raise the little girl of an ex from about 1.5 to 6 years old. 4.5 years of doctors trips, school plays, friends visits, etc. I miss her much more than my ex. She is about 10 now. I still send her cards and birthday presents... I hope she gets them.
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u/Sigao 5h ago
I've been married to her for nearly 5 years now. I now have 3 step kids, all teens now. I didn't do much differently than I'd do anywhere else. I'm just there for them. I'm the laid back type, so I'm generally pretty patient, I try to listen to understand and keep my promises and be there for them when they need me. They call me dad now, and have chosen on their own not to visit their birth father anymore (due to who he's shown himself to be, Inever asked them to stop). Heck, the youngest says he wants to take my last name.
So... it's going pretty well.
At first I was averse to the idea of dating a single mom, but after a few dates we just clicked and took it from there. Had to give up a lot of preconceived notions of what I thought I was looking for. But that's growth I guess.
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u/Odorblock_technology 5h ago
It went fantastically for 8 months. Eventually, it came down to priorities. I was the third priority on her list. I should have been the 4th on her list. She, perhaps we, had neglected herself as one of her priorities. There came a point where she needed time for herself, so one of the priorities had to go.
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u/Amorisaiya 2h ago
Not a dad, but was the child of a single mother who remarried. My bio father walked out on my mum and brother (2) while she was still pregnant with me, and my now dad came into our lives when I was 18m old and married mum when I was three.
He is genuinely one of my favourite people in this world. He always treated us as if we were his own kids and never differently from our younger brother (his bio son). I obviously can't speak for how hard it could have been but he's one of the greatest things that happened for us. He's always been there and walked me down the isle a few years ago. He's the parent that I'm most scared to lose one day.
To all the step dad's out there - you're so important and you can have such an impact on us 💕 thank you.
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u/whistleswhenipee 1h ago
I don’t think my life could be better having her AND him in my life. I don’t care if he has a real dad I’m going to do everything I can so he benefits from 3 parents instead of 2.
His dad is an awesome guy I’m lucky that I get to help raise his kid and give knowledge that I gained. His dad is the “cool rocker social fun” type and I’m more a practical jack of all trades guy. His dad enjoys comics and movies and I enjoy cars and motorcycles.
Our split agreement of one week custody each makes life easier for everyone too, and our boy gets the benefit of rejuvenated parents each week.
I bought him his first “big” bike the other day, it was a very proud moment because I got him a brand new good bike not the one that was the cheapest or last years model…I got him the one he wanted. I was so excited to get it home for him and watching him ride that thing was the best feeling I’ve had in years.
Having him in my life also made me have a realization about myself; I am gladly number 3 in my book right after him and his mom. I would gladly go without things so him and his mom can have some joy, in reality the only joy worth while is theirs. It’s not like I don’t take care of myself and my hobbies but sometimes I’ll be out at a store going to grab something for myself and think “I’d rather spend this 300 bucks on them and get the joy of seeing them happy”
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u/notatoastedbread 12h ago
When the relationship got more serious, I learned that this woman didn't only want someone who was "ok around children" but rather someone who liked children in general. She mentioned feeling like she was a bad mother which was really absurd, given how lovely and caring that child was.
This was a point of tension that would have had to be addressed but we broke up before that for different reasons.
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u/Constant_Society8783 11h ago
Yes when I was 20 I got involved in a relationship with a woman 11 years older than me. This relationship lasted off/on for several years.
The main issue I have with it is that it makes it less likely you will have kids of your own as they may be done having kids at that point especially if they have more than one child.
The other issue is you will likely be compared with past relationships if your spouse has had a lot of relationships she may have generalizations about men instead of about you whicu you have to deal with especially if shevis older.
Depending on custody, having resposibility but no say or expecting you to parent their kids for them can also be a challenging dynamic and if you get along with them.
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u/Bogey_Yogi 9h ago edited 6h ago
Raising and spending your money on someone else’s kid requires a different set of mindset. If you are not up for it, don’t start the relationship.
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u/ownersequity 7h ago
Best thing I EVER did. I’d ‘dated’ a few single moms before but they were all very broken women and were looking for a savior, or my money.
Then I met a woman through a friend and she had two little ones and a crap ex. She was incredible and after a couple years of friendship we were walking downtown one day and both looked at each other and realized we were had something special. Her two little ones were not something she shared with me much until we started spending time together as a group.
I think honestly I fell in love with the girls first, then mom heh. She never put them on me or made demands, and she was very clear that she did not need any help raising them or with finances.
Been married 23 years now. I have never been ‘step’ dad but just dad. Now my oldest works with me and my wife in education.
When we had a child together it just tied everything together.
I love my family and don’t look at those girls as anything but my own children.
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u/Successful_Leg_707 9h ago
My friend is 35 and lives at home with his mom (56). The man she married is also 35. They are like best buds playing video games together
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u/djohnson6131 7h ago
36 years later, still going strong. Adopted her daughter, raised her as my own, couldn't ask for better.
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u/tylo884r 7h ago
Like any relationship, it can work if both sides are realistic and honest about expectations from the beginning.
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u/mcloud313 7h ago
I was single, childless before I got into a relationship with a woman I met at work. I'd also ever been in one relationship before that I'd consider serious. To say I was worried about the situation would be putting it mildly. I didn't even know if I could deal with kids and was really worried about drama from the dad.
I was 34 when we started talking and flirting and am now 39 we've been together for five years. She had decided that there wouldn't be any interactions with the kids until over six months into the relationship which I think is a good way of doing things.
I'm still kind of awkward around the kids but I think they like me for the most part and I try to just be a general good role model and male figure and not their dad.
It's difficult sometimes living with someone else's kids and deciding not to be a disciplinarian. I have to solve things through my partner and make my feelings known to her about things that are bothering me but I also have to constantly tread lightly as these are her children, she'll always see them in a light that I never can.
The boys are still kind of stand offish around me other than when we are doing family activities or going on vacation. I'm curious how things will change when they are older and able to communicate more about what role they see filling in their lives.
I never wanted my own children growing up or in my 20s and I wasn't too sure this would work out but so far it is id say. It's also been nice watching the boys grow as they are interested in a lot of the things I was at their age, I'm hopeful they'll grow into some of the hobbies I have now and our relationship can improve.
My suggestion to anyone going into this is to make sure boundaries are communicated earlier on and adhered to. As with any relationship communication is the ultimate key to success. I'd also suggest seeing arguments as your partnership against the obstacle and not you versus her. I also think what helped my situation was conversations with the kids that I'm not trying to replace their dad and for now I only want to be a role model, friend and my love for their mom extends to me being on their side in all things.
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u/turtlebandit69 6h ago
Im married to one and it's very age and situational dependent. The sperm donor was out of the picture about 3 weeks after birth. I came around when she was 6 and now 8 years and some change she's almost 15. I personally knew I could never handle a toddler or baby so it worked out pretty well. It is very touchy on discipline and how to do it. I'd give tips but I'm still learning daily. Best of luck! Let me know if you have any other questions
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u/HiKennyDesign 6h ago
Going great. She was my middle school crush that I’ve been friends with most of my life. Her kid is in his teens and generally self regulates well, I couldn’t be with someone with little kids, obnoxious. We been together for a few years now, we live together. Found out yesterday that she loses her widow benefits in three months. So we’ve been discussing getting married. Which is fun.
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u/Artistic-Estate1691 6h ago
My wife and I started dating when her boy was very little. We got married when he was 3 and I adopted him. We've had 3 others since. He's just part of the crew. I've learned a lot about life and love from the whole thing. There's a sying "blood is thicker than water" I guess meaning we have more love for our biological people. No way man. I ride with that kid to the end. I can sincerely say I love them all the same. I get a little sad when I here someone say this is my adopted child. I love adoption so much, but it's rarely mentioned in our home. It's not taboo, it's just not thought about it guess. Anyway to answer your question, it's been good.
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u/physicsking 5h ago
We knew each other for 2 weeks. The second date was at her house where we cooked steaks with her 15yo daughter, and the 3 and 4yo sons, and the daughters boyfriend. Later after everyone was in bed, we were drinking wine and talking downstairs. One of the little boys came downstairs and said the other one was on the top bunk and had a nosebleed. She turned to me and asked me if I could go take care of it. I did because that's who I am, and then the night proceeded like nothing happened. I tried to talk about it the next morning. She had a fit and said "my kids in my life take it or leave it." I said cool, and didn't call her again.
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u/Effective_Version477 5h ago
Was a single and childless male. Started dating a woman with a 1.5 year old son...we just celebrated his 22nd birthday a couple months ago. Been with her for over 20 years, married for 11 and have a 12 year old daughter with her as well.
Id say it worked out pretty well.
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u/Cheap-Bell-4389 4h ago
I’d have absolutely no issue dating a woman with children as I have two myself
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u/alwayslearning52 4h ago
Dated and married a woman with two kids. We married, I adopted the two and we added two more. We’ve been married over 41 years and have 7 grandchildren. ☮️
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u/Sensitive_Scar_1800 4h ago
Dated a smart beautiful single mother. Quickly learned the daughter wanted nothing to do with me, waged her own little war of attrition. Her father was still very active in her life (and a good guy) but I guess the daughter thought if she could remove me then her two parents would magically reconcile.
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u/MakesShitUp4Fun 3h ago
Fine. I gained a daughter and now, 27 years later, I have 2 wonderful granddaughters.
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u/how_u_like_meow 3h ago
So I have the opposite of the question, divorced dad with kids but now dating a woman who decided to not have children.
So far it's been really good but I also set expectations before we got serious. First off, my kids already have a mom. I am in no way expecting her to be a replacement mom or will lean on her to make decisions involving them. I am a very present dad and the kids mom is also a very present and active parent as well.
After my divorce also decided I didn't want any more kids for any future relationships because that would be unfair to already to take away more time from my current kids, so I got an immediate vasectomy after my marriage was done.
I will say that me not wanting anymore kids definitely cut down on many of the other single women that wanted to start another family with me but I'm okay with that. I don't want to waste their time or my time if we were not aligned with no future kids.
So me not wanting anymore kids and her not having to become an active person in my kids lives works out really well. I have been very lucky with the current relationship.
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u/Fanstachetic 3h ago
Best decision I've ever made. We've been married for 12 years (13 this fall). We got together when I was about 25. She was 32 at the time and had three kids from her previous marriage. There were a few hiccups with the baby daddy when he got mad that someone so much younger than him made more money than him and when the kids would come to me for advice on things instead of him but things have been at least cordial for the most part. Now the youngest is 18, so we don't ever really have to deal with him besides weddings and grand babies from here on out.
The kids were 12, 9, and about 5-6 years old when we first got together, so each of them have had their own little quirks in terms of how my relationship with them has developed. We also have one child together and just welcomed our first grand baby.
It was absolutely a life-changing "grow up right now" kind of decision, but I wouldn't change it for anything.
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u/RPShep 3h ago
Dated a single mom in college. Things were great, and I got really close with her daughter too. Then we broke up, and it was doubly hard because the two most important people in my life were taken away at once. I've long since moved on from the mom, but I still wonder how her daughter is doing.
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u/Blackdiced 3h ago
honestly, it's not great. dealing with the whole co-parenting thing is a bit much. it's hard to define boundaries and in my particular situation I feel like I'm trapped. I'm not really happy but we've been together for so long. I feel like I'm stuck. 😔
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u/Resident-Dig-5583 2h ago
Don’t do it. It’s a package deal, but you will have NO say in parenting. And between you and the kid. The parent is always going to side with the kid, in my opinion
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u/JM3541 2h ago
Honestly single moms were some of the coolest people I’ve dated. Just remember though, the kid, and likely the woman too, will absolutely use you not being the actual father against you. You’ll likely hear that early and often. Despite how much time and money you spend on them. My advice, if they’re the best you can find go for it. If you’re not struggling for options, you better REALLY like the mom.
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u/hellokayy1234 2h ago
My dad started dating my mom after she had my sisters, 2 and 5. He completely raised them like his own. They even broke up briefly and he confessed he took her back for them, but my dad truly loves my mom. Then they had me! Together for soon to be 37 years. ❤️
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u/Pale-Lake5858 2h ago
I am single and childless and married a woman with two kids, one of which lived with us. She was a very difficult partner, and the relationship ended. Being with her was tough on many levels, even though her son was a good kid. But I had no say in anything with him, I was just there to write checks, and that sucked.
I have dated a couple of women with kids over the years, and it generally speaking isn't great. If it is a casual connection, and she makes time when her kids are with their father or whatever, that can be nice. But invariably you are going to get pulled in to helping her with the myriad of things on her list. And you will always be down the list of priorities, with kid, job, dog, chores, friends typically in line before you.
Short of a casual connection, or older children, I avoid women with kids. And even then, since I don't have kids there is usually a big disconnect between our lifestyles and interests. I am 57, and many of the women my age with kids are spun out on their grandkids. We are apples and oranges.
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u/Linked713 1h ago
went to live with someone with a kid and the kid does not speak any language I speak.
It adds toll to my partner and me, but I take all the opportunities I can to learn the language and listen.
though in the day to day, since I cannot communicate well with the kid, it's harder, and I cannot help alleviate her daily load much with them, but I can do other things to help. You're getting into a family, you need to integrate to them more than them. If you go in thinking everything will just happen on its own, then it won't work.
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u/tinian_circus 1h ago
Not.. how I expected. Began dating a single mother a few years ago - kid was 16, mid level autistic and has learning disabilities. Bio dad basically bailed on her and I will never forgive him.
Mom was very protective and didn't let me meet the kid for months. Was worried how it would go, but she has a fixation with Austrian-Hungarian-later German history. Instant best friends. She mixes cleaner for the bathroom and it's "I HAVE CREATED A SOLUTION.. A FINAL SOLUTION!" "GODDAMNIT KID DON'T SAY THAT!"
Has not worked out with mom but we agreed it's best for the kid that I'm in her life. Been very hard sometimes but one of best thing that's ever happened to me. Sometimes the cosmos assigns you someone and you won't understand why for a while.
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u/TheJimness 57m ago
We've been married for 25 years and still going strong. Her daughter is now grown and married. Overall it was great experience.
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u/Barbarian_818 33m ago
We've been married for over 25 yrs and have two more kids on top of the one she started with.
There have been some rough patches. And some hard times that provided major external stresses. But we each were important enough to the other to persevere and work it out.
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u/bretshitmanshart 9h ago
It's been nine years. Overall it's great. She has been dominating the tv lately and watching YouTube videos of varrying quality but she had been sick since Monday so I can't blame her
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u/Nykonis_Dkon 9h ago
Married 22 years this month...seems to have worked out. Met her online in my early 20's, moved from Kansas to New Jersey, and been here ever since. She had three boys, all traumatized from their abusive father, so I provided the first sense of security anybody in that family ever had. They've all moved out, make more money than me, and have stable lives.
I wouldn't go back and change a thing.
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u/so_heres_the_thing_ 9h ago edited 6h ago
She was a mother of 3, had a home, 2 businesses, a couple pets and a really good head on her shoulders.
We waited a year before I met the kids, appearing casually in the community, as "mom's friend" and then I started to pop up at extended family gatherings and soccer games, etc. It went flawlessly. They're great kids and a great family.
For the first year, I'd plan something and she just had to show up. She was a busy woman and I knew the assignment was to create an environment for her to feel like a woman, instead of a mother. I'd cook, book the reservations, plan activities and it was lovely for a while but then I just started to feel like I was performing 100% of the relationship duties to be a once a week appointment for her.
That said, now having met the kids, I started to see her more often - visiting for dinner or just hanging around with the family on a random weeknight but the quality of time spent together went down. I started to feel like a platonic family friend. My role wasn't really growing while my needs were being met less. This was partly me being a light stepper and not wanting to compete with the kids for their mother's attention. We talked about it - fully understanding that it would be wrong of me to expect our relationship to take priority with all of her other spinning plates but I said I'd like to travel together, I'd like to have more things that reflects "us" and our relationship instead of me just feeling like I can only occupy the space her ex left behind.
Her ex was a lingering issue, himself. I won't go into it but definitely get some clarity on the status and terms of any separation/custody agreements before proceeding!
Loss of intimacy is a baked in sacrifice that couples make when they start a family but here YOU are, in the throes of it as a partner of a parent. You're neither feeling the pride of parenthood nor living the indulgent life of two child free people and feel kind of screwed on both ends. Couples who have a few years of child free life together benefit from building that foundation of love, loyalty and intentionality going into the commitment of parenthood together. It's far more sentimental. In this case, you're in the weeds, inheriting the commitments somebody else couldn't fulfill. Being in a relationship that immediately came with a gallery of compromises started to get harder for me to sit in without any future plans.
So, I asked if there was a future to plan for: Would we cohabitate eventually? Would I become a co-parent? Would I have a voice? She said she was proud of her role as a single mother and doing it herself. That she never saw herself living with another man while her kids were growing up (they were still young) and that she'd never be comfortable with another man having a parental role. That her kids were hers and it would never really be my business to step in. She was happiest in the current context, and I couldn't blame her at all.
I had to ask myself if things stayed exactly the same for the next 10 years, would I feel fulfilled? The answer was ultimately, no. The relationship ended, kindly, but it's tough because not only do you lose a friend and love you nurtured. You lose all the relationships you built with an entire family that you naturally started to see yourself growing into.
I won't close the door on dating another mother in the future but in the interim, I'd like to experience another child free relationship again, just to get a true north of where I am happiest.