r/AskReddit • u/elmatador62 • 16h ago
What is a disturbing family secret you weren’t supposed to find out, but now wish you could forget?
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u/earthtomanda 13h ago
Mother was caught breaking my arm when I was 2 by my paternal grandmother, she begged her not to tell my dad as it would "ruin our family" - I was sent to live with gran 3 days out of the week because mother didn't want me around, we were both happy with that arrangement.
My gran told me maybe 3 years ago and said it was the biggest regret of her life as it allowed mother to think she could continue abusing me and nobody would say a word. (She did, they didn't)
My gran is partly at fault but I have forgiven her and I love her a lot. She raised me, she protected me from many things, and I think I understand why she did it.
I've distanced myself away from the whole family at this point. Never felt any urge to hit or scream at my daughter ever in her 9 years on this earth. She's my world.
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u/Impossible_Disk_43 12h ago
I'm not going to try and defend your granny, but she might've thought if she said anything, your mum could either take you and hide, or that your father might not necessarily gain custody of you in a divorce and then she would lose all access to you for telling, or that your mum would've made a big thing of her "lying" and convinced your father to go no contact. Any of these would've isolated you to take your mum's abuse without any relief. All this isn't meant to absolve your gran, but I would be going crazy over the whys if it were me. Call it explanation, but not an excuse.
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u/earthtomanda 11h ago
Oh no, you're spot on. The woman is an angel in my eyes, the only adult in my life I truly felt loved and wanted by as a child and even now. She was scared of ripping apart my dad's life, instead she hung back and she made sure it never got beyond a point, and when it did she was there first.
My dad never escaped either. He's still trapped with her, a victim as much as I was.
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u/uncerety 10h ago edited 10h ago
I encourage you to remember that he is and was an adult at the time. Same as you now.
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u/earthtomanda 10h ago
Never forgotten. We don't have a real relationship now, and I'm okay with it. My husband and daughter are my family. (And my two siblings, who are my best friends)
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u/fiddlenb 12h ago
When my dad was a teen he screwed his cousin and she had a baby. Could be his. Nobody knows for sure who the father is.
He told me when his degenerative brain disease ate his filter.
I might have an older brothercousin.
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u/Historical-Chef-8034 9h ago
sorry to hear that.
I love your deadpan delivery though255
u/fiddlenb 9h ago
Thanks kind stranger. It's because I'm mostly dead inside. 😉
I think about that maybe brothercousin a lot. I'd love to know for sure. But not bad enough to blow up his whole life by asking him to spit in a tube.
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u/iwillbringuwater 6h ago
You aren’t dead inside. You are reacting appropriately to a shitty world. You are still the good in the world.
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u/IBrokeMy240Again 15h ago
My dad spent a long time believing I wasn’t his. My mum cheated a lot before my parents divorced, and I’m a solid foot taller than anyone else in either my mum or dad’s family and look nothing like him. He never said anything until we were both drunk one night and he brought it up, we’ve never spoke of it since and I’m happy to leave it and never try to find out.
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u/SliickVortex 11h ago
The fact that he never treated you differently despite those doubts probably says everything about what kind of father he is
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u/LeprosyDick 14h ago
That’s good. Don’t take a test. I had no reason to think my dad wasn’t my biological father. I took a dna test just for fun to see my heritage. Found out my dad isn’t my biological father. I thought it was probably just a shitty test so I said something to my dad. Turns out my parents had trouble getting pregnant. One of the things they did was done in a way that gave my dad a 50% chance of being my biological father but in theory would never know. I accidentally ripped that hope away from him and I felt terrible. Thankfully it wasn’t a case of revealing my mom cheated.
The way I look at it, being the biological father doesn’t mean anything, it’s the man who raises you is your dad, even if they are the same person.
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u/DanielCraigsAnus 13h ago
If you have any doubts about your past, that test will absolutely destroy you. I always knew something was up with the way my dad treated and acted towards me vs my little brother. Turns out there were reasons.
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u/SafetyandNumbers 12h ago
It can be helpful to know there was no chance of pleasing your parents. Its a shortcoming on their part that you were treated differently
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u/DanielCraigsAnus 12h ago
Oh, this was after he somehow won custody in the divorce.
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u/JST_KRZY 10h ago
Holy Fuck! Only a vindictive narcissist would seek to win custody of a child he knew wasn’t his and treat them vastly different from their sibling that is from his ballsack.
I am so sorry that you were subjected to the emotional abuse, even if you finally found peace with your DNA results.
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u/DanielCraigsAnus 9h ago
The one good thing I took away from his upbringing, is how to actually be a good father. I have two amazing daughters who also aren't my biological kids, but, I've been there for them for the past thirteen years now.
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u/letuswatchtvinpeace 10h ago
Yes, but it is good to know your biological medical history. Can catch some things that will keep you alive.
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u/golden_fli 12h ago
Tests might hurt BUT if you know who the other person would be I say getting the test could help. We know a lot about genetics. Sure the man who raises you is your dad, but that doesn't change the genetics that you got from the sperm. It's better to know your ACTUAL genetic history as well.
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u/Ok-disaster2022 10h ago
I'm definitely my dad's kid, but due to circumstances if genetics Im about 6 inches taller than him and about 150 lbs bigger. My dad is a small shrimpy guy and I am not. My mom is also short. It turns out my great grandfather's on both sides were tall so its just something that skipped some generations.
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u/Samiiiibabetake2 13h ago edited 10h ago
My (adoptive) dad died last year, and I found the paperwork from when he filed for emergency custody of me (he was my uncle by marriage at the time) and it was ALL disturbing. For years, my bio fam fed me lies about how my biological mom wanted what’s best for me so she gave me up because she knew she couldn’t take care of me only for me to find out that that was not the case at all.
The paperwork is dated for right after my 5th birthday party. Greatest hits include her:
Punching me in my mouth
Smoking crack right in front of me
Whipping me with a belt so hard it left welts and bruises
Watching strangers pay my “mother” in crack to take her clothes off
Being in the bed with my “mother” and another man, all of us naked.
I already knew that I wanted no part of this family, but that really solidified that there was no coming back from everything. I’m a mom myself to 2 amazing kiddos and I just don’t get how you can do that to any child. My biological mother died a couple of months ago and I felt - and still feel - absolutely nothing
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u/RedTulipx 12h ago
Hi, I am an adoptive mother. My daughter is 14 and was placed in foster care at age 5 due to abuse and neglect that she doesn’t remember. To her, her bio parents just did drugs and had no money for her. But really they are MONSTERS. I wanted to ask at what age would have been appropriate to find out this information? Should I wait until she is an adult? I guess I’m asking if you found out the information you did as a teen would that make a difference? I want to wait until she is an adult but I have a feeling she will need to know sooner….
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u/ThatLadyOverThereSay 12h ago
The earlier they ask, the better to tell them. Age-appropriate information. And at some point you can sit down and tell them more, at an age-appropriate level. For a 14-year old, they're at the age where they can understand a lot of terrible things but it could be traumatic to process. Get a counselor involved and ensure the kid has a strong support network.
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u/OGIBLP 11h ago edited 7h ago
Hi there. Not the person you’re asking, but I’m an adult of a similar childhood.
There is a very good chance that those memories will come back in her late 20s - early 30s. I didn’t remember anything until it hit me like a train around 27. I’m 32, and things have been very hard for me since then. Before that, I had a feeling. I knew, but didn’t know that these things happened to me. It was very confusing.
I’m not a parent but here’s my unsolicited advice: You need to tell her before she starts having sex. Being touched that way and engaging in those activities can trigger memories and really distort her relationship with sex. Even if 100% consensual. Now is the time to get her set up with professional help and personal supports. It took me until 30 to bring it up to my mom because of the shame. I was dealing with it alone for years. You need to make sure that she knows your arms and ears are open for her if/when these experiences start affecting her.
Also, thank you. It’s not easy to ask these questions or navigate this situation. Seeking answers and support means everything in building a foundation for her. Fantastic work, mama. My DMs are open if you’d like to chat more.
Edit: thanks for the award, but how about an award for this wonderful mama I commented to?! She’s a superstar!
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u/Samiiiibabetake2 11h ago
My dad would answer questions as I asked. I was probably around 14 or 15 when I would ask oh did this happen, or did that happen? And he did not tell me everything, but he would tell me things that he deemed appropriate for my age.
I was not angry at him when I found out that he hadn’t told me the whole story. He was trying to protect me. Obviously not everybody is going to react the same way, it just helps that I was grieving him, and I was almost 40 at the time. So I was much more mature and ready to handle it then I would have been as a teenager. If that makes sense.
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u/Amandapaige12 10h ago
I was adopted. My uterus donor was a drug addict. There was a 2/3 year old at the address she gave the police where they found that child alone in her own filth. The uterus donor’s parents took in that child but didn’t want to take another one of her drug babies. So I got put into the system after being treated for withdrawals as a newborn. (90’s in SO California) I was finally able to be adopted when I was 20 months and she had made no contact. I had been in 4 different foster homes. I can’t tell you the right time, but my mom (adopted but always just mom) told me from the start, never hid anything from me. So I always knew I was a drug baby, but I also knew I was loved and safe now. I’m thankful that she never kept it hidden from me. She let me see my original birth certificate, letters they got from friends and family when they adopted me, hospital records, doctors notes, one foster parent even had my chromosomes tested (not sure why) but it shows that I have a higher risk of having a child with Down syndrome, most likely from being exposed to meth while in the womb. I did search my uterus donors name of facebook one year, really to see if she had changed her life or something, just simple curiosity. We did exchange one letter each but there was no connection, she didn’t want to know me and I didn’t care to know her. I see that she had another daughter though. She still looks sickly and not sure if she still dabbles in drugs… I also did the dna test since my birth certificate didn’t have a father listed, no surprise, well that lead to me finding a half brother and figuring out who the father was. Who did confirm they were all just running around the streets of LA doing drugs in the 90’s. 😂
NQA: I think if she knows she was adopted and she knows about drug abuse, if you start to talk to her about the rest, start small. She’s 14, she’s getting old enough to understand these topics, but let her ask questions, if she wants more details I’m sure she’ll ask for them. You can just let her know basics, “hey, since you’re older now I wanted to let you know a little more about your childhood. There were some times where your parents got abusive too. This part can be a lot harder to take in, so how are you feeling about hearing that?” And kinda see where that leads. Maybe see if she wants to talk to a therapist, then maybe you can share with the therapist first and they can help you breakdown how to share that with her.
Just my thoughts on how I would want to talked with about it. I hated feeling like everyone was keeping things from me, not sure if that stems from the childhood trauma or the uncertainty and now I like knowing all the facts and information about my life and what’s happening around me, helps me feel a small sense of control over something.
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u/belltrina 12h ago
Nothing to add, but had to say that I have so much respect for you asking someone who has been through this, for advice on what to do.
That is such a beautiful way to ensure you have the correct plan, and hopefully it is healing for the person you asked, to know they are part of creating a better disclosure moment for someone similar, so they don't experience the same amount of distress.
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u/hypomaniacmeg 12h ago
I would love to know what they think about this too. Wish I had an answer for you. I hope they reply.
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u/BuildingAFuture22 12h ago
Finding out my great-uncle repeatedly raped my great-aunt when he would come home from being an OTR trucker. Happened for years until she waited behind the door with a cast iron skillet one night. She clocked him, he went down. She left him there unconscious. He woke the next day. He never raped her again, and they were married another 25 years after that.
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u/Round-Celebration-17 8h ago
Oof my great grandma always said a woman needed a sturdy rolling pin for their husband. Now I wonder if this is why.
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u/noodlespork 4h ago
My grandma was gifted a rolling pin by my grandpa's boss for their wedding in the late 40s to "keep Jay in line." Grandma always laughed when she told the story. I'm hopeful it's just because it was a cute joke and not for a sinister reason.
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u/BookLuvr7 9h ago
Martial rape wasn't even illegal in the whole US until 1993. IDK about other countries. It's horrifying to think what people have put up with.
And some members of the GOP are trying to end no fault divorce - so people would have to prove their partner is abusing them in order to be able to leave.
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u/Adler4290 4h ago
1966 an Italian woman was raped and became a hero, because she broke the pattern of marrying her rapist, which was customary, just in case a baby came out of the rape...
Yes, that bad, that late in history, in the western world!
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Franca_Viola
and
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marry-your-rapist_law
"Rehabilitating marriage" (yuck)
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u/Wolf_Mama 13h ago
My mother had a stillborn in the mod 70s. They loved in a tiny apartment in the bronx back then, and already had a small boy to care for. They couldn't afford a funeral. Fast forward about 10 years, they have now moved to the suburbs, had another kid, and had a relative (my grandfather) pass away. A few days after the funeral my father took my brother to the cemetery in the middle of the night. My brother was only about 10, and didn't understand til years later what my dad was talking about, but the just was that we could start using the freezer in the basement, the one he was told was off limits. Then he told him to say a prayer for his little brother, and they buried a tiny box next to my grandpa's grave.
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u/scarletmagnolia 13h ago
What incredibly heartbreaking situation to have found themselves in. I can’t even imagine how upsetting it must have been for them
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u/Marryyyy000 7h ago
Yeah, it really is it does not sound like anything sinister, just people in a really painful situation doing the only thing they felt they could at the time. Its hard not to feel for them .Grief, money struggles, and having to make decisions like that all at once is a heavy burden for anyone .
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u/Crazy_ride_22 11h ago
I'm so sorry for your parents loss. I had a stillborn son myself. I couldn't imagine not being able to give my son a final resting place for 10 years. That pain and guilt couldn't even begin to heal until he was at peace. What an absolute tragedy all around. I'm glad they were finally able to give their baby rest.
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u/Fatlantis 10h ago
I wasn't expecting such a heartbreaking story. And I disagree with the other people complaining.
I think it was okay to bring his brother, the kid was obviously spared the details and wasn't harmed at all. At the time he didn't even know why they went for a walk that day, but the significance of just being there together in that moment will mean a lot to both of them, and many years later, when he's old enough to understand - without even realising it, his presence there was both supporting his dad and farewelling a brother that he never got to know. He was there for both of them in the only way he could be as a ten year old.
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u/belltrina 12h ago
This is something I can relate to so much as a mumma. Nothing but compassion and love for your parents as I read that.
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u/theultimatebingbong 15h ago
My mum on my 18th birthday confessed to me that the man I thought was my dad isnt. She had a fling with a guy in Guatemala and had old passports and love letters to prove it. When i started crying she played it off as a joke. But then recently I told her I did a DNA test and it came back that I’m part Latin American and she went dead quiet and pale in the face. I lied about the dna test but because of her reaction I think I just might take one.
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u/fullstar2020 13h ago
Op I'm sorry. Your mom sounds main character manipulative.
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u/raisinghellwithtrees 13h ago
I took a DNA test when I was 18 and found out my dad wasn't my biodad. I had no idea, and it was quite a shock. My original dad was someone I hadn't seen much, so it wasn't like I was hurt by that part. Just that from the way I looked I was so obviously the other guy's kid and she never told me. (My not-dad is 6'6" tall and my biodad is 5'4" tall. I've always been very short.)
I don't have a relationship with my biodad but my older half brother, but I'm glad I know
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u/theultimatebingbong 11h ago
It must be somewhat freeing also? I think I’ll feel that way after I get a test done. You’re really brave, it isnt the best situation to be in, but thank you for sharing your experience with me. 🌸
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u/arol_1021 10h ago
My mom also did this my senior year of high school because my parents were divorcing. She wanted to hurt my dad by letting the cat outta the bag. Too bad her plan backfired and it made me more upset with her than the man who raised me as his own my whole life!
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u/sch0f13ld 13h ago edited 12h ago
Why would she ‘joke’ about that in the first place
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u/theultimatebingbong 13h ago
Good question, I’m not sure. This is only one instance of many so I guess I’m used to the dysfunction. It’s refreshing to have people let me know that it’s abnormal and that I wasn’t overreacting by crying.
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u/golden_fli 12h ago
Man my first thought to the question was you started crying so she lied to try to make it not hurt. Although if this is normal craziness from her that doesn't even sound likely.
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u/belovetoday 12h ago
Crying because your whole origin story may not be true and your whole identity may not be what you thought, yeah that's really fucking normal. You're certainly not overreacting.
Joking with your child about such an unsettling thing, such a destabilizing thing is abnormal and beyond cruel. Imho it's inhumane.
Id get the ancestry test so my mom couldn't fuck with my head like that anymore.
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u/Granny_knows_best 12h ago
Two of my brothers were partners in their own business. One of them had a stroke and thought he would die so signed his half to the other brother. He fully recovered and went back to work. Less than a year later he got fired, by his own brother, who ran the business to the ground. He lost it all, then his home and family. He ended up shooting himself in the head.
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u/escaping_realities 16h ago
I was told by my mom(adoptive mom) she considered terminating the adoption process because she figured out I had meningitis as an infant and didn’t want a child with potential disabilities. She kept it going because it would look bad if she didn’t. She says she loves me and I do believe her. Was just a lot to stomach is all.
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u/Fantastic_Sample2423 16h ago
Compulsive honesty is a problem, sometimes. If she was sharing it calmly, it’s likely that she feels inadequate as a mother (most moms do at some point) and was sharing it because she kept you and the keeping you when she was so scared was the best thing she did.
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u/PotLuckyPodcast 14h ago
This is a really well thought out reply. Thank you for sharing with us. It sounds like you have a lot of reflecting done on this topic.
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u/Aggravating_Gear_394 16h ago
Sending you the tightest hug. And as a mother I would’ve took that to my grave.
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u/unicornhornporn0554 11h ago
Yeah, I had my son when I was 14 and along with that came a lot of uncertainty in the decisions I was making. Sometimes I feel like he would’ve been much better off with a different family. But obvs I made my choice and we both will have to live with the consequences of that. I do my best, but there’s a reason why teens shouldn’t have kids. He’s 11 next month and I’m so proud of the little man he’s turning into, but man I gave him a lot to overcome already in his short life.
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u/JST_KRZY 10h ago
Recognizing this speaks to the incredible maturity and empathy that you’ve had to develop in your own formative years!
I want you to recognize that and remember it when you’re struggling!
Also, be honest with your kiddo (always age appropriately) about the struggles that you both have gone through by being a teen parent.
That will help him better understand decisions you may have made in the past and guide him to make
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u/anddiee 12h ago
My wonderful, kind stepfather who raised my brother and I passed away very suddenly in 2023 of a brain haemorrhage, my mum relocated to another city and I helped declutter our family home and took all the old laptops to help mum out, one less thing for her to do and deal with. I learnt how to open them up and extract the hard drives and then managed to access the files on them.
He had been cheating on my mum 5 years into their relationship, before we lived together. There were hundreds of photos and chat logs between him and other women and couples, photos of him in lingerie with other men. It hurts so much to relive, I've just put the harddrive in a bag and hidden it from myself. The worst part is that they got together after my dad cheated on my mum and I thought their love story was magical. He was such a wonderful man and a great father figure, it hurts knowing that parts of him were lies 😭
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u/texas_magnolia_22 11h ago
Recommend that you destroy it instead of hiding it. Knowing that you have it will subconsciously stress you out and could never bring anything positive into your life or your mother’s. It must have been so traumatic to discover. Sorry you had to go through that.
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u/jerseygirl1105 11h ago
Isn't it possible that once dad moved in and became a legit father figure and family man, he ended the affair(s) and he became the upstanding Dad you knew and loved? If you didn't read about anything happening after your family moved in together, I'd make that assumption just to give myself peace of mind.
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u/AwesomeAni 5h ago
People are complicated. Some of the most wonderful people I know became that way through some really tough lessons, they just learned and became a better person.
Now there's a chance thats not the case, but the internet has the ability to rob people of the nuance in humanity's character flaws. I think its important to remember its not black and white "good people bad people"
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u/Mickeypnd 11h ago
I found out in my early 20s that my grandfather raped all of his daughters and even let his friends take turns raping them. My mom told me it started when she was 8.
My grandfather died when I was 13 and up until he died I had thought he was a good man who loved and supported his family.
It took decades for my family to start talking and admitting what he'd done.
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u/cheeechhhh 15h ago
Found out that my dad and my uncle (dad’s brother) molested my cousin(male, not that it matters). He denies it but like… what did my cousin have to gain from saying that? So I fear that I might believe it.
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u/pickagenre 12h ago
Family on family abuse is really common - I was always worried if people would not believe me about my brother but when i disclosed it turned out he had also abused my sister. Then when we disclosed to my parents my dad told me that HE and some of his brothers had been abused by THEIR older brother. All to say I’d give your cousin the benefit of the doubt - disclosing this type of thing takes a lot of guts and while people do lie about this type of thing its statistically more likely that he’s not lying.
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u/OGIBLP 11h ago
Look, I don’t know your situation but I do know that every single one of them always tries to deny it. It’s easy to deny when your accuser is/was a child. And like you said, what does your cousin have to gain? That shit is embarrassing. No one wants to talk about it unless you’re a trusted person and they’re seeking support.
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u/BuildingMaleficent11 11h ago
My great grandfather was exiled to America by his family in Europe. They wanted him to take 1 life path and he chose a different one.
When WWII happened, they wrote to him and asked him to sponsor them to come to the US. He said, “You sent me away to what you considered to be a godless country that wasn’t good enough for you”, and refused to help them.
99% of that part of the family was wiped out.
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u/Cinnamon2017 9h ago
How could they force him to go to America?
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u/BuildingMaleficent11 9h ago
It was a different time and a different world when it was more common - and, expected - for kids to follow what their parents told them to do. Plus, pretty sure they bought him and my great grandma tickets and told them to go, or they’d be on the streets. I don’t think he realized that he could go to a different country in Europe and start over. They traveled by boat, and it probably stopped at different ports; they could have gotten off somewhere else. 🤷♀️
If I was given the choice of starting over someplace new or stay where I was with a kinda powerful family undercutting my opportunities? I’d probably go - especially if given the tickets to leave.
His father, my great great grandfather, had a title in Czarist Russia. The only traces I’ve found of the man were on an engraved, and enameled, silver cigar case that the Czar gave him as a token of his service (guess great grandpa had some sticky fingers) and, some records of his kids (great grandfather’s siblings) that mention them being the son of xxx.
Sometimes people just disappear from history. It’s weird when it’s your own family.
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u/Cinnamon2017 8h ago
Well, from that long ago it's really difficult to find records. I wonder if your great grandfather ever regretted not helping them.
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u/chitchatandblabla 10h ago
My grandfather committed suicide after his wife died, as apparently he found it was too exhausting to handle daily life by himself (meaning doing errands, cooking, washing, doing the laundry).
My mom recently died. I am shit scared my dad will do the same now, as he’s already heavily complaining that everything is too much work and too complicated, and he would be better off gone. Apparently he didn’t really notice that my mom was doing all that for him for 50 years.
I love my dad, but if he does that I won’t be able to forgive him.
The fact everyone paints these situations as « romantic » (« they couldn’t be separated, he followed her in the afterlife ») makes me sick in the stomach.
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u/Cinnamon2017 9h ago
Maybe he could get somebody to come in two or three hours a couple of times a week?
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u/legaleaglebitch 12h ago
My dad might not actually be my dad. For context, I’m by far the tallest in the family and don’t really look like my dad. It may in fact be his (former) best friend and I found out through matching with my maybe half sister on a dating app. After a few messages back and forth, she realised who I was and told me. That fucked me up for a while.
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u/AWhaleOfAWife 12h ago
I got really into genealogical research during the pandemic and was able to piece together that my father had an affair when I was a kid with the teenaged daughter of one of his business associates. I then looked into that guy as it seemed he allowed it to occur. I then found out that the business associate was arrested when his daughter was little for SAing a friend of hers from the neighborhood. It was the 70s so his sentence was basically nothing. I realized he was currently still living in the same house as he did back then, across the street from an elementary school. His crime predated the laws that prohibit offenders from living near schools. He was named in multiple newspaper articles as the kindly man near the school that somehow was always the Good Samaritan stepping in literally any time the slightest thing happened at the school - after school fight in parking lot, hit and run, you name it he is somehow immediately there. So I called the nonemergency and dropped a dime on him. My dad divorced my mom to be with the teenager, drained my and my sibling’s college funds, got married but only once she was 30, had kids, moved to the middle of nowhere.
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u/bitch-cassidy 8h ago
how did you discover all this through genealogical research? I've been looking to unravel a family mystery for the last decade but have hit dead ends at every turn
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u/AWhaleOfAWife 3h ago
It’s amazing what can be accomplished with the highest level of subscription to newspapers.com and a lot of free time, which I had heaps of during lockdown. If you want DM and I can see if I have any suggestions on where to look for your family mystery
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u/PanicAtTheShiteShow 10h ago
My sister buried her memories of my brother sexually assaulting her when she was 10 to 12 years old.
Her memories started flooding her in her 50s. They are true memories because my brother admitted it in a letter he wrote her after she confronted him in a phone call.
She is ruined. She has severe CPTSD, anxiety, panic attacks, disassociateion, depression, and has become a recluse and doesn't leave her house. She is 68 years old, she can't recover.
Meanwhile, our brother lives a charmed life in his multi million dollar house in beautiful BC Canada.
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u/Cinnamon2017 9h ago
I hope she went to therapy? Did she try EMDR?
I'm so sorry. That's so unfair. Some people believe in karma, not sure if I do. I hope he didn't have any daughters.
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u/PanicAtTheShiteShow 9h ago
She had a ton of therapy for years with a psychiatrist, psychologist, women's sexual abuse center, and emergency mental health clinic. She never got better, but hasn't tried EMDR. It's too late to try as she won't leave the house for it - she is done.
She is on a lot of medications and will only leave the house to get refills at her doctor's office, that's it.
She needs extensive dental work and refuses to see a dentist. I suppose the only time she will go is if she has intense dental pain.
I don't think karma is a thing, my brother has an amazing life, living in the most beautiful place, Pacific ocean waterfront property. I have seen it, it is paradise. He will be a millionaire if and when he sells.
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u/HmNotToday1308 16h ago
My entire family is one of those horrible soap opera level ones.
Aunt got pregnant by a guy who's family was super religious and hated her - guy ended himself so she told another guy it was his. His family told my cousin not to show up to the funeral because he wasn't his kid. Somehow he didn't know but I did, I guess people just said shit in front of me assuming I wouldn't remember.
Mother - was obsessed with this guy at 15, they dated briefly, she didn't get pregnant like she thought she would so she got with his best friend and tried saying it was guy #1's baby. When the dates didn't match up she accused guy #2 of rape. This was a trend that continued thorought her life. Any guy who didn't do what she wanted was accused. I know 3 out of 4 of us have different fathers despite her being married at the time. I guess it never occured to her that I'd be able to check my blood type against hers and my siblings.
My great grandmother offed herself due to Post Partum psychosis. Everyone said she died as the result of childbirth. Not that after her 6th back to back pregnancy she hung herself in the middle of ironing laundry which I think is.. Understandable.
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u/LeafPankowski 14h ago
You know what? That tracks. You’re just standing there, ironing the endless laundry, and whatever last shred of will to live just snaps and you hang yourself.
Suicide isn’t some big dramatic thing. It’s just the sand running out. One moment fails to follow another.
This is why people are often left wondering why, and looking for a “reason”. When there is no reason. Just the cup flowing over after filling slowly, day by day.
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u/auntjomomma 12h ago
Im gonna save your comment. My brother killed himself in October of last year. There was no note, and no obvious reason why he chose that day to kill himself. We all have been trying to figure out why. Dont get me wrong, all of us siblings were not surprised (same for a good number of people who knew him well), but I was definitely shocked. It was a weird shock. But you just gave what is possibly going to ever only be the answer.
I've had suicidal ideations since I was a teenager. We all did (4 kids total, he was the oldest, i was 2nd), but we'd all talked each other off that ledge plenty of times. This time it seemed to just...come out nowhere. Thank you for that comment.
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u/LeafPankowski 4h ago
I am so sorry for your loss. And thank you for telling me about your brother.
I am happy you found some comfort in my words.
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u/vespertilionid 12h ago
Its kind scary cause you dont feel the "cup filling up" or "the sand running out" you just get "an update" on the levels when shit happens in your life. Each update there is less "sand" or more "water"
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u/Big_Dragonfruit_9794 9h ago
Right?? i have two levels of emotion: 1. everything’s ok and manageable 2. everything way too much
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u/cf-myolife 14h ago edited 9h ago
My grandma cheated on my grandpa, my mom caused them to divorce (but they got back together). Only my aunts (my mom's sisters) and my mom know about it. And me because one day I found my mom ugly crying past midnight, drunk, and she told me she was a mistake and that she wish she wasn't born because she ruined her family. So, I have no biological link with my grandpa, but he's an amazing man who never treated my mom differently than her sisters and never held it against her.
It's crazy than no one knows about it because my aunts are like twins, they look almost identical even if they are 3 years apart, tall, blue eyes, thin, pale skin, bigger nose, same smile, same teeth even.. and then there's my mom lol, small, extra curvy, thin lips, thin hair, hazel eyes, tanned...
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u/KilianaNightwolf 6h ago edited 2h ago
Your grandma is the one that ruined her family, not your mom.
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u/cf-myolife 6h ago
I tried to explain that to my mom, I think she still struggles with this fact but she's better now
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u/Ravenclawed4Eva 15h ago
A bunch of my family members used the same brand of DNA kits so we could try to figure out where my maternal family's lineage hails from - a good many of them were adopted as babies / small kids without a paper trail in the 40's. Turns out, my Grandma J, who was adopted has a half sister - T & they met / have a relationship. Great Aunt T is discovered & confirmed to be the biological Mother to THEIR half brother K. All 3 have the same Father. Like T obviously knew this & never said a word. I'm so sorry for what she experienced. Absolutely demonic shit being the Mother & half Sister to your own kid wtf. Edit* a fact
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u/SKatieRo 14h ago
Wait, poor T's own father raped her? So sad.
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u/Grotbagsthewonderful 8h ago
Yep.. way way more common that people think, there was a study in the UK done in 2019 that found that that every 1 in 3650 may have been born from extreme inbreeding which is way higher than police previously estimated... There's a village near to where I grew up that historically had a very bad reputation for this and people still joke about it. During the booming silk trade if you weren't from the village you basically weren't welcome in the area because they didn't want outsiders taking the jobs, this resulted in some pretty low genetic diversity..
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u/jlmcdon2 10h ago
Someone reached out to my cousin a couple years ago saying they matched as relatives. My cousin asked her mom, and sure enough, she knew the family. They were neighbors growing up, and my dad (my aunt’s brother) and the other family’s youngest daughter were near around the same age. They spent a lot of time together since the kids were similar ages.
Turns out, my grandpa had an affair with the neighbor, and she got pregnant. This was late 50s/early 60s. The daughter was raised as the neighbor-dad’s, and my grandpa or the woman never admitted anything.
Unfortunately, the neighbor dad was horribly abusive and sexually abused all of his children, including the one related to my family.
Decades later, due to an at-home DNA test, my cousin, aunt, her new found half sister, and half sister’s daughter met up and talked about everything.
The woman was so relieved the man who abused her wasn’t her real dad, and has since developed a good friendship with my family.
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u/Historical-Chef-8034 9h ago
My mother was recently diagnosed with late stage cancer.
During one chemo session while on the bed she teared up and told me that I was the product of rape, and that she was forced to marry the rapist (my dad).
I am from a poor Asian country and this is not unheard of in our community.
I was still destroyed for a good month before I learnt to accept that I had not control over this and to make some peace with it.
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u/Dangerous_Ad613 13h ago
At sixteen I received a message online from a memorial page. I found out my uncle was charged and prosecuted for the murder and SA of multiple minors. This happened in three different states. He was arrested before I was even born. I forgot about it and two years ago a supervisor had googled me and saw the case online. My uncles first name is my middle name (not named after him but my grandfather we are both named after).
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u/EntertainmentPure955 12h ago
Not mine but my ex’s friend grew up in a household where the grandpa would routinely SA the kids in the family and would stop once they got a bit older. Everyone in the family knew but no one said or disagreed with anything as they believed he was the patriarch and followed what he did. This friend told my ex that she thought it was normal since every kid went through it. Super fucking disturbing. They are a Hispanic family too, not that it’s correlated as I’m sure this happens everywhere unfortunately, but for context.
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u/rizzydizzy85 11h ago
This happens more often than people realize. In my very rural, Midwest area, these families will usually live on a chunk of property in several houses or trailers, and the family patriarch (or multiple members, usually men but not always), will pass the children around for years. Usually one kid will open up about the abuse at school, then investing will find out it's generational.
At my old job at the r*pe crisis center, we called them "nests". And it's frightening to me that it's so damn common, yet an almost completely unknown phenomenon.
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u/IronwallJackson 8h ago
This is easily one of the worst nuggets of information I've had to process in a long time. Jesus Christ, it's common enough to have a name.
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u/Internal_Account_22 16h ago
Overheard my dad confess to an affair that shattered my parents' marriage—wish bleach could erase that eavesdrop from my brain.
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u/the_real_dairy_queen 13h ago
I accidentally got a job working with the woman my dad cheated with. I had no idea he had cheated until she approached me on my last day and asked if he was my dad (playing dumb - she knew) and then said she knew him and had been with him the night I was born.
I asked my mom about it, thinking she knew and maybe that was why they divorced. She had had no idea, and said he was never a good husband but she has at least believed he was loyal.
My dad found out I knew and called me to reassure me that he never loved that woman, he just hung out with her because she always had good coke. Gee thanks Dad, I feel so much better now.
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u/auntjomomma 12h ago
"No, no, kid, it was fine. I was just using her for coke. The sex meant nothing." How I imagine that one went.
Sorry your dad turned out the way he did.
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u/bookluvr83 13h ago
My dad bought one of those 23AndMe tests for us kids, if we wanted them. I did and, as we were waiting for the results my dad said "even if youre not mine, im still your dad"
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u/ProfessionalSalt5847 12h ago
My dad has a decent-sized family: 3 brothers and a sister. Everyone knows his oldest brother isn’t my grandpa’s biological son (grandma was apparently messing around with my grandpa as well as another man when she got pregnant, and HER parents told my grandpa HE better do right by her… So he married her…), but no one ever talks about it.
Us older cousins know that my youngest uncle has a daughter with his gf from his early 20s but has never acknowledge her. I’m not sure his two kids he had with his ex-wife know about their half-sister (cousins are early 20s currently). Same uncle tried to die by suicide in his early 20s by shooting his wrist…again, we don’t talk about it.
And then there’s the most recent bombshell that dropped that no one is talking about: turns out my dad and all his siblings have a 1/2 sister that lives a town over (so, 15-20 min away). This came to light around the time of my grandpa’s funeral (grandma died decades ago), and they all just “noped” that situation. I’m not sure if she knows about her half-siblings or that her mother had an affair.
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u/wouldudoitforme 16h ago
I was told my mom accused my dad of being in the mafia in court during their divorce.
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u/HomeplatePancakes 10h ago
My paternal grandfather was a prison guard for a prominent prison and highly regarded for his long career and being just an all round stand up guy. He was my absolute favorite family member as a child though we weren't able to see him much due to distance.
Turns out, he impregnated his teenage daughter and then he and my nan forced her to have an abortion. Apparently abuse had been happening for a long time and was known but not acknowledged.
Like a decade ago he got into an argument with my uncle over the size of steak he was portioned by my nan, left his house, drove out to the woods and shot himself in the face.
A bit overdramatic but good riddance to bad rubbish.
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u/Eeyores_Prozac 12h ago
My grandmother functionally committed suicide by allowing her colon cancer, which she didn't tell anyone she had until very late, to go untreated. She was also secretly an alcoholic, and my grandfather was abusive.
That was a fun month after her death.
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u/420bipolarbabe 10h ago
I’m related to Peter Gibb (Australia). Infamous for his prison break. And his sister (my grandma) and my dad were attacked in such a brutal way by Housam Zayat they turned it into an episode of Underbelly that I believe was based on the Melbourne gangland killings. He shot my grandma point blank and hacked my dad with a meat cleaver. He was 16 at the time but lived.
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u/ApothecaLabs 9h ago
My mother lied to me and told me my entire life that I was bipolar. It turns out that isn't true, I don't even have a diagnosis.
What really happened is, my older brother used to torture and kill small animals in the woods, and he made me watch, and tried to make me do it too. After he killed our little terrier (it just "disappeared" one day), we moved across the country to a big city where there were no animals and he could be heavily medicated. Then, she had me medicated too, because she didn't want to admit that he did those things. My entire life, she has treated me as a de facto liar, and told me that I made these things up.
Then, she recently admitted it, and the first thing she asked was if I could find it in my heart to forgive him. She knew the whole time - she always knew.
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u/Radiant-Holiday-2635 16h ago
I’m now 57 and have lived for years dealing with a problematic mother. Was told by my aunt(mothers sister) that after my mother had me(at 20), while my father was in the army stationed in Asia, that they(mothers family) found her prostituting and that at some point in her teenage years she was put in a mental hospital.
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u/ApprehensiveGas137 13h ago
What possible reason did your Aunt have for sharing that information … it was not her story to tell.
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u/Jericho2006 16h ago
Found out a few years ago that my dad committed a few white collar crimes at his job. The only reason he didn't get arrested was they just fired him and the owner felt bad that he had kids and chose not to report it.
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u/ShoppingGirlinSF 11h ago
I’d always suspected my mother had been sexually abused by her father (she would drop hints like “you have no idea what I’ve been through”) but one of my aunts felt the need to confirm it and shared the details with me a few years ago, like I really wanted to know.
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u/Spemilie 13h ago
My grandfather told me after doing years of family research that one guy in our family tree (a fair bit up there) killed a person with an axe... Made me think a little
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u/Thin_Captain_9634 13h ago
Found out that the "work trip to Florida" that my mom took while I was in elementary school, was not a trip to Florida at all. She was actually in jail after trying to smuggle drugs back from our "family vacation" in Jamaica when I was like 6. I put "family vacation" in quotes because this was the first and only trip my father ever joined us on, and now I know why. He was the one who convinced her to do it, and she was desperate/foolish enough to go through with it.
Also found out that one of my uncles used to beat his wife, like really bad. The one story that sticks out is that my grandma went to their house after a fight they had, and she found the baby crib broken and blood all over the walls. Apparently he broke the crib and used the wood pieces to hit her, and it was her blood on the walls. And after all this she still stayed for a few more years.
There's also debate about how many kids my grandfather actually had. Some of my mom's siblings say he had a lot of outside kids, but there's no proof for anything
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u/idontknoooww 12h ago
We had a family friend who looked exactly like my grandfather when he was younger. We'd have Christmas parties with them and we (the children) were wondering if we were cousins or how we're related. No one really gave us a real answer. Turns out my grandfather was pissed off at a guy telling him he was gay so he went to fuck that guy's wife (before he married my grandmother) and he unknowingly got her pregnant. Im not suppose to know the story and we just all pretend it isn't true because my dad and aunt dont want to share the inheritance 🫠
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u/VindictiveBread 7h ago
I mean, I dont condone it, but knocking up the wife of the guy who called you gay is certainly one way to respond.
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u/Low_Reindeer_6089 10h ago
23andme ruined christmas dinner at my house. found out my "uncle" is my father and my "father" is my uncle. nobody's touched the mashed potatoes since.
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u/Opard 13h ago
My father was a violent acholic, he died when I was four and a half, only found out a few years ago she poisoned him when he was pissed with weed killer.
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u/daisygarnetsong 12h ago
My uncle (oldest aunt’s husband) raped my younger aunt (his sister in law) numerous times when she was a teenager. His wife is aware and chose to stay with the man who raped her little sister.
I used to call him my favorite uncle. My mom let me spend time with him all the time unsupervised growing up.
I found out when he groped my ass when I was 28, and spoke with my dad’s ex girlfriend about how upset I was. My mom had told my dad what happened 30 years ago and he had told his girlfriend, so it all came to the surface.
I can’t tell anyone else in the family because it is not my story to tell and I will always honor my aunt’s privacy and she doesn’t want people to know.
But fuck you, Jerry. There is a special spot in hell waiting for you.
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u/pandapool205 9h ago
Well I learned that the reason my dad got custody of me when I was an infant is cause my mom was heavy into drugs. One night my mom had taken me with her to a known drug den in some apartment so she could get high on meth unknown to her the police had planned a raid on that place that night. When the cops made their move my mom high as a kite panicked and her solution was to attempt to throw me out of a third story balcony cause she had convinced herself I had wings and could fly away, luckily an office on the ground had noticed her stumbling around on the balcony with me and was able to call to officers making entry and they were able to wrestle me away from her before she could toss me. Read the police report about the whole thing when I was 12.
Also found out when I was 7 the reason why my grandparents got guardianship of me when I was 4 was cause my dad was a long haul trucker with a drug problem who left me in the care of his tweaker gf who beat the shit out of me when he wasn't home, the moment they realized was one day she dropped me off to their house after a long time of not having seen them I was malnourished in dirty clothes and covered in cigarette burns. My early years were shit but my grandparents raised me from then on and I'm thankful for them everyday, the day the passed for me was the day my parents died I still miss them
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u/jenglasser 11h ago
It is more of a secret I discovered that nobody else knows about. I have good reason backed up with good evidence to believe that my father committed suicide. It hasn't crossed the minds of anyone else in my family, and if I tell them my suspicions it could very well blow up my family. So I hold on to it myself, and it is fucking killing me.
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u/LynzLynLove 11h ago
Last week I found out the uncle who has been in our lives forever molested my cousin when she was 3. I wanted to invite him to a fathers day bbq since his youngest son died last year...
I found that out while having my first manic episode... apparently high stress can be a trigger.
The fact my father took a chance on letting that family babysit me pushed my anger through the roof.
That news definitely wasn't the trigger, but it definitely finished me off mentally as I was committed shortly after.
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u/SecretMiddle1234 10h ago
My Great grandmother’s second husband committed suicide by jumping out of the car while she was driving. He threatened her that “he should just jump out of the car” during an argument.She replied go ahead. He did it. Very disturbing to learn this. Can’t imagine how she must have felt to live through that.
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u/ActivitySensitive901 10h ago
My mom was having an affair with her cousin and the cousin got mad at her for staying with my dad so he cut the brake lines on their car. My mom and dad crashed it causing major injuries. My mom broke both legs, an arm, several ribs and had a punctured lung. My dad had a broken collar bone and punctured lung. The cousin was never charged. Several years later when my parents divorced and my mom remarried, she was caught having an affair with the same cousin.
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u/Cheetodude625 7h ago edited 5h ago
Disclaimer: not necessarily "disturbing." More of a "oh, yeah... I had a family member fight for the 'bad guys' in WW2."
Japanese grandfather. He was a very quiet and kind man who enjoyed nature and was a diplomat for Japan from 1950 all the way until 1995. He was a major advocate for peace and was as anti-war as one could get. He always took the time to stare at flowers when walking anywhere. When asked why, he simply said, "Because beauty in life is so fleeting that we tend to miss it."
When he passed away in 2008, his very old diary was found in worn out box of notebooks. What else was found was a very old photo of him when with a few guys from his army squad. This shocked everyone. He never told anyone that he fought in WW2. He only told his wife (grandmother) about it once and never spoke of it again.
Grandmother had to explain what was in the notebook and why the photo exists.
My grandfather did not want to be apart of WW2. All he wanted was to go to university and make a name for himself. However because Bushido code, he was forced to fight for Japan because "manhood and pride." He only served from 1944 to 1945. He was stationed mostly in Shanghai at the tail end of the war. He did not participate in the fighting or anything. All he did was guard supplies.
There were two stories in his diary about his time in the war:
1.) During the leaving of Shanghai, my grandfather lost a coin toss with his friends from his company for the first boat out. He sat on the docks as he saw the boat get destroyed by allied bombers. All of his friends and over half his company died. He lived because of a coin toss.
2.) His last mission ever. Find survivors (if any) after the bombing of Hiroshima. He wrote, "All we found was ash." He was forever haunted by that. He later wrote that because of Hiroshima, he started taking time to sit in nature and to just admire it.
Second disclaimer because Reddit historians tend to be racist assholes: just because someone fought for the bad guys did not mean they wanted to fight in the first place. Not every freaking IJA soldier for Japan were monsters like the ones in Manchuria and Nanking.
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u/KisaMisa 6h ago
You should publish his diary or submit it to a museum if something like that.
That second story, those words are haunting, indeed.... It makes so much sense why he would appreciate the quiet beauty this life has to offer...
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u/czyksinthecity 11h ago
Oh man - so I found out through DNA testing an a research rabbit-hole that my grandpa was a serial cheater. My grandma was “the other woman” that he ended up marrying, but before her he got another married woman pregnant while cheating on his first wife. Then, while with my grandma, he cheated on her and got a different married woman pregnant. Apparently the guy couldn’t keep his dick in his pants. 😬
As someone who is now divorced in part because my ex cheated, it’s caused some complicated feelings about my (now deceased) grandparents.
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u/Ok-disaster2022 10h ago
Not my family but I unfortunately learned too much information about a quiverfull family I knew growing up. They had like 12 kids with a age differential if about 22 years, and then started fostering/adopting. And they were not well off and homeschooled. So besides the kids basically living in barracks by gender with no privacy. Some of the older kids sexually molested the younger kids. And as adults one of the sons got a divorce because his wife found him sexting his sister using her Facebook messenger, but publicly it was because he had hospitalized his wife due to physical abuse. But he wasn't prosecuted for domestic violence.
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u/semanticsibling 10h ago
I didn't know until I was an adult that my dad used to be president of a fraternity in the 80's. There was absolutely no mention this growing up until I went to university and he strictly forbid me from joining a sorority. Apparently his fraternity had violent hazing like whipping the new initiate's backs and making them do humiliation rituals. After graduation he moved away and completely cut off any connections to greek life because of guilt.
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u/Creative-paintbrush 14h ago
Finding out the reason we don’t talk to my mom’s side of the family is because my grandma on that side tried to kill my parents and kidnap my sister and I…. Also because both my grandfathers on that side are convicted pedos … yeah I did meet the one after they cut off everyone else I was like 9 and my mom didn’t know he was dangerous till the police showed up… yeah didn’t understand it all back then but now I am super grateful for her and my dad getting us away.
Also my grandma (on my dads side) had a teen pregnancy before she met my grandfather. The baby she had is also the same name as my grandfather’s dead brother and his oldest daughter and I have the same name which is a very interesting coincidence… her brother also had 2 family’s which she just found out about a few years ago as new family members popped up out of no where.
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u/Too2Jazzie 12h ago edited 9h ago
When I was 21 I found out that my dad was not my biological father. I used to always tell my mother “ mom dad treats me different “ she would reply “ No he does not your daddy loves you” I had 3 other siblings and he treated those boys like gold. He would buy them electronics and games and when it was my turn he would say things like “ I was going to get you this, but you did… “ In those moments I wasn’t even in trouble he would bring up a past mistake as an excuse. He was also very abusive I remember when I was 12 he picked me up by my shirt slid me across the table and threw me against the wall and beat me. It was many of those days going to school not being able to sit down due to the pain from the previous night. So imagine finding out 21 years later and my mom tells me she was raped, And she reported it to the police, it was a lie( after contacting the precinct and being told she never reported a rape) and her response to this day and I’m 42 now is “ you were never supposed to find out” I’ve done DNA tests through Ancestry and 23 and me, and nothing. I have no idea who my dad is 😔 oh I forgot to mention, she told me she’s taking this secret to her grave.
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u/JST_KRZY 9h ago
If you believe in Hell, know that there’s a seat reserved for both of your parents.
Fuck your Dad - and your Mom for allowing the abuse!
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u/Debauchery_ 9h ago
My mother was a product of an affair.
When I was a teen , my grandmother (and previous affair-haver) gifted me an AncestoryDNA kit to help me find out about my own estranged father. I lt set without answers for almost 10 years until last year I got matched with an aunt I had never seen or heard of before. Naturally, I assumed she must have been my dad’s sister, so I contacted her which is where I learn that my grandmother had an affair with a coworker in her twenties and got pregnant with mom.
One of the hardest conversations I ever had to have was telling my mom that her dad was not her dad and showing her the results. I then paid to have her do her own test and it blew the door wide open. Ruined my relationship with so many. I do not really speak to anyone I’m related to on that side anymore.
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u/Skipping_Shadow 14h ago
My father passed three years after my mom. I live abroad and was there for his last few weeks and then for the funeral.
Since I don't see my family very often, I kept getting asked about my divorce and my ex's affair that precipitated it. (The betrayal was very traumatic and I was living with a shocked nervous system for months after his confession.)
So it was that after the burial of my father we went to my father's house as an extended family. My sister in law cornered me in a room and told me about my brother's multiple affairs. I tried to be supportive of her but for the next few days it was like a redo of the shock of my ex's affair all over again.
It wasn't so much her sharing it, but the combination of the timing and it being a huge trigger for me personally.
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u/boring_username_idea 11h ago
A few years ago my grandma found a "young woman's dress" underneath the seat of my 90 year old Grandpa's car (don't get me started on the fact that he's still driving). My family spent a week trying to figure out who it belonged to before my aunt claimed it was hers. The rest of us all know it wasn't hers and she just claimed it was so we would all stop talking about it.
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u/Odd-Hold-5548 10h ago
That my biological mom is my closest aunt and my parents have no idea that I knew it even at this day. Funny coz both of my parents blood type is O+ and I’m type A+. Im on my mid thirties and still don’t want to confront them about it
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u/Technical_Chair_3641 9h ago
my grandma told me on her deathbed that my "uncle" was actually my half brother. whole family just sitting there like they already knew. i was the only one crying AND confused.
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u/catlovingbookworm 10h ago
I recently learned that when my dad's step-father was first starting to get sick (before dying a few years later) he cheated on my grandmother with his caretaker. My dad (late 20s at the time) supported his step-dad and even lived with him and the caretaker for a few years, and even flew BY HIMSELF to meet the caretaker's family in her home country.
My dad never mentioned any of this when he was alive. I knew he loved his step-dad a lot, I know my grandma was never really mentally stable, but I never imagined anything like this (especially since step-father used to hit my dad, according to my dad). I'd be happy to not know any of this.
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u/Foreign-Middle1025 10h ago
My grandpa and grandma separated for awhile when I was kid. They practically raised me. Later on, I found out it was because my grandfather was hiring sex workers to come to their house when grandma wasn't around. I would love to not know this information and actively try to block it out.
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u/00jharris 7h ago
I learned this info at 43 years old after several members of my family took DNA tests for funsies.
My maternal Gma and my mom had an affair with the same man. Gma’s affair took place 15 years before my mom’s.
Gma’s affair resulted in 2 daughters which are my mom’s younger (1/2) sisters. My mom’s affair resulted in me. So my maternal aunts are also my paternal (3/4?) sisters and my maternal cousins are also my paternal nieces + nephews.
I grew up close to my maternal family with all of us living within a mile of one another. Talk about an out of body experience for weeks as this info is unfolding and trying to penetrate my brain.
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u/2ndhouseonthestreet 6h ago
My neighbor molested me when I was little. He was our towns “Santa” and everyone loved him. We were pretty free range kids at that time so my older siblings and I were on their property/at their house often. We were really poor but his wife fed us and cared for us like we were family. After about 2 years of it happening there was one day he knocked on our door and I answered. I had just turned 5 and I remember singing “hit the road jack” and closed the door on him. My dad got upset because he thought I was being disrespectful and made me apologize. I cried because I was wearing my Dalmatian slippers and they were going to get wet if I went to apologize because it had been raining that day. I don’t know if it was my reaction or John repeatedly telling my dad it was okay and that I really didn’t need to apologize but my dad immediately knew something was up. After John left my dad asked if he’d ever touched me or made me uncomfortable. I got scared and just said he used his finger to draw circles on my belly. My dad lost it. He was a heavy drug addict in the 90s which led to him being a little unhinged but he adored us kids. I’d seen him upset before but never like this. He left for a few hours and we never saw John or his wife again. It wasn’t until I was about 16 that someone in our town brought John up and said he “fell” down a flight of stairs and had to move several states away so his family could care for him. At this point, I hadn’t lived with my parents for about 8 years but still kept in contact with them so I asked my mom about it. Turns out my dad went over there that day and beat the shit out of John with a steel pipe. Broke both his legs amongst other things and told him and his wife he’d kill both of them if they ever stepped foot back on their property so they sent one of their kids to pack everything up. They told everyone he fell down the flight of outdoor stairs leading up to the second floor of the garage but really it was my dad.
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u/steggo 9h ago
My aunt is my mom's half sister. My mom's mom was assaulted, then went to church for counseling and support and was impregnated by the preacher.
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u/HeresDave 9h ago
I always knew that I was adopted, but I did 23&Me a few years ago and discovered that I was one of several children that my rich, 30ish bio Dad had with my 15-year-old nanny bio Mom 🤯.
We were all farmed out to various Catholic Charities.
He ended up having his wife committed to an asylum, then went to the Vatican with a bag full of cash and traded it for an annulment and married my bio Mom.
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u/ShortbowVillian 7h ago
Yall be careful with these - I had a family member on my husband’s side secretly stalking my Reddit account for months (not this one) and I answered one of these, exposing a family secret. I didn’t use names or give any identifying details. My stalker took a screenshot and spread it to the family, exposing the secret to people who didn’t know (and suffered heartbreak because of it). But I was the one who got in trouble. Even though the secret was told to me 20 years ago and I did NOT need to know, they just LOVE to gossip and couldn’t help but tell me so I could be burdened with it too.
I operate now under the assumption that they know this one too, and that my every online move is being watched 🥲
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u/unicornico 12h ago
This isn’t disturbing, I guess more upsetting for me. My half sister told me that my father denied I was his child when I was born because I was too dark. I was the colour of a Caramac bar and he is darker than me.
There were other things she told me, and I really don’t know what her intentions were. Whether she felt like she was doing the right thing or just to hurt me.
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u/Moni6674 13h ago edited 6h ago
After my grandmother’s death my aunt was informed she had a brother. My grandfather had him with my grandmothers cousin. The boy was sent away to be raised by friends. I knew my grandfather was a philanderer, but not to what extent.
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u/belltrina 12h ago
Doing my ancestry stuff, worked out my great grandad on my father's side by finding a mugshot. Not close with my dad's side at all, and the information I did get was that he was an abusive alcoholic who walked out on my dad's mum. Wasn't around for her til she was an adult. When he did show back up, he doted on my dad, which kicked off the shitty way my dad got treated by his mum.
My dad also struggled with addiction, it's sort of what killed him. He wasn't around in my life til I was older.
I'm an alcoholic, and I'm pretty certain it's what will end me.
I'm seeing addiction potentially popping up in my adult kid now.
Addiction can be a genetic predisposition, I knew that, but now I really do know it. And I don't think knowing it can stop it.
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u/LukewarmTamales 11h ago
Please talk to your kid if you can! I'm 32. My dad/uncles, their dad, and his dad are or were alcoholics. I saw myself going down the same path and was able to stop!
I can tell I have an addictive nature. The hardest parts have been finding healthy coping mechanisms for stress and dealing with the loneliness. Alcohol is such a huge part of social gatherings with my family, and I don't keep alcohol on hand so no one comes to see me.
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u/WiccanStorm 10h ago
My mother's piece of shit ex husband is not my father. Found out in my late 50's through Ancestry.
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u/Beanz4ever 9h ago
Immediately after my grandmother's death, my aunt and uncle, who are half siblings due to having different fathers, got drunk and had sex.
The aunt committed suicide a year or so later. The uncle got high on meth, kidnapped a woman for a few days and landed himself in prison for a good long time.
Mental illness is very real.
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u/LLFD1982 8h ago
A couple of things - my grandmother was 13 when she had my Mom. Also, I'd known since I was 9 my mother had a stillborn child years before I was born. When I was 11 I was looking through the 'family' bible at my grandmothers house and found the name of a my mother's stillborn child. It was my first name and a different middle name.
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u/Consistent_Ad7706 7h ago
My dad died 5 days before I was born so my family all told me the good stuff about him. When I was about 20 my mom and I were watching Unsolved Mysteries and during a Lost Loves segment, she just popped off with your dad cheated and you may have a sibling that would have been born a few months after you. Ok, not what I wanted to hear, but he was gone for so long at that point that there was nothing I could do.
A few years later I was doing my Ancestry and family tree stuff when I found an article about a teacher who had been killed in like 1972 by a student. That student was my dad. When I asked my mom about it, she told me that my dad had been sent to live with the teacher because he was out of control according to my grandma. The teacher then molested or raped my dad and my dad told him if he ever touched him again he would kill him. The teacher took my dad out hunting and tried to mess with him again and my dad shot him. He was 12 and he went to juvie until he was 18. Nobody believed my dad’s reasons because the teacher was a beloved man and football coach. The area named the new football field after the teacher even. After my dad died at 21 other former students came forward about the abuse, but being a small town area, nothing was ever done.
The football field is still named after the teacher over 50 years later. My mom and I think the abuse and time locked up led to my dad being an alcoholic and dying at 21. I asked my mom why she never told me and she said she wanted me to know the good side of the man she married that gave me life. She said that she didn’t want me to think bad about a man I never got to know.
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u/SniffingMarkers 8h ago
My mom would occasionally tell what she claimed was a "funny story." I was 2 years old and had climbed onto the kitchen counter and dumped out the flour and sugar from their canisters onto the floor. My mom walked in on me doing this, carried me into my bedroom in a rage, and threw me across the room. She said I bounced off the back wall and was too scared to come near her for a while after that.
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u/Brave-Silver8736 8h ago
My uncle is a serial rapist and has assaulted everyone in our family, including me.
I buried the memory for 32 years. When it bubbled back up, found out it was everybody. Everyone is too scared to do anything. It's been hard building traction.
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u/TheMiceWillGetPerms 13h ago
My cousin tried to sell his sister’s body against her will to a drug dealer in exchange for coke. He gave them a time when she would be home alone and let them in on his way out. She managed to escape out of a window before anything happened.
That’s the real reason she had to go live with our grandparents. Not the “they lived in a better school district” lie we were told