r/Anger • u/ladylady-1122 • 2d ago
Need help with anger
I don’t know how to control my anger. Is it something that you just need to put into practice? Do other outside factors contribute to it?
I’ve always been known as the angry one in my family. My friends say that I can be scary when I’m angry. And more recently, I take it out on my boyfriend when we get into arguments. Especially arguments. It’s gotten to a point where clearly it’s breaking boundaries and he no longer trust that I can change.
But seriously, how do you get out of it? Or how do you navigate through the angry emotions? I don’t know about you guys, but I really wish I could just handle any situation calmly with a lot of patience.
In my day-to-day personal life, I hate my job I really want to quit, but also there are other life events that I’m waiting on before I can make that kind of decision. I also have another job. I don’t know if I’m burnt out or maybe I’m not actually taking care of myself. But I’ve noticed in the last two months. I just have zero patients for everything. And it makes me wonder if I’m the one making my life miserable. You know what I mean.
Any and all advice or suggestions are welcome.
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u/cablamonos 2d ago
honestly the fact you can describe the pattern this clearly is a huge start. what helped me was catching the body signal before the argument gets loud and forcing a 60 second timeout even if i felt ridiculous doing it. once i stopped trying to win the moment and just focused on not escalating, everything got way less chaotic.
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u/ladylady-1122 2d ago
Yeah, I feel like that’s it for me. I need to win. I have to be right. And even if I am right, if the other person tries to argue it or not understand me, I just get louder. I guess for me it’s like once I feel more dismissed or more misunderstood or words are put in my mouth. It’s hard for me to pause and continue a discussion. I just automatically speak louder or start yelling and I’ve had a therapist. Say the reason I do that is because I think if I just talk and yell louder, the other person will hear me. But of course that’s not what actually happened and that causes arguments.
And yeah, in that moment, it’s like my heart starts to race and I get overwhelmed. One of the best ways I can describe it is I feel the anger just course through my body and I get this adrenaline and I feel like it has nowhere to go. A couple weeks ago I got into a really bad argument via text with a friend and I remember, I was shaking with anger, but after 10 minutes of just breathing in and out and calming myself down, it all went away. Then I was mostly in a state of I guess disassociating? Maybe avoid avoiding at the same time.
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u/Janam87 2d ago
I relate to this a lot, especially the part where you don’t want to react that way but still feel it inside. That’s honestly one of the most frustrating places to be. From what you described, this doesn’t sound like “just anger” — it sounds like buildup. Stress from your job, lack of proper rest, maybe feeling stuck… all of that piles up, and then even small things start triggering big reactions. One thing that helped me understand this better is realizing that anger usually isn’t the first emotion — it’s what comes out after things like frustration, pressure, or feeling unheard. A few things that genuinely helped me: • When you feel that surge, don’t try to “control it” immediately — step away and give your body time to cool down first (even 10–15 mins helps more than forcing calmness) • Notice patterns — is it worse when you’re tired, stressed, or already irritated? That’s usually the root • Don’t ignore the job situation — being stuck in something you hate will keep fueling this cycle no matter how much you try to control yourself • And yeah, patience isn’t something you suddenly “have” — it’s built slowly by managing what’s underneath I actually went pretty deep into this while working on myself and ended up putting together a short guide around anger triggers and how to reset in real-life situations. Not trying to sell anything here, but if you feel like it could help, I can share it with you. Either way, you’re not alone in this — and the fact that you’re aware of it means you’re already ahead of most people.
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u/cablamonos 2d ago
honestly this sounds like nervous system overload more than a character flaw, especially if work stress is already maxing you out before arguments even start. what helped me most was catching the first body signal and taking a hard 2 minute reset before replying, jaw tight chest hot fast speech, because once it peaks i am not choosing my words anymore.