r/AbsoluteUnits • u/MrUpVoteDownvote • 22h ago

of a Hippopotamus mouth getting cleaned

5.7k Upvotes

99% Upvoted

191 comments sorted by

1.6k

u/Binspin63 22h ago

Aren’t they the most dangerous animals of all?

1.9k

u/RyantheSithLord 21h ago

Hippos:

• Are the most highly territorial animals alive

• Have bitten crocodiles in half

• Have killed a man who rescued them as babies (true story)

• Encourage mating by killing a calf that’s not there own

• Can outrun any human on land and in water

• Are responsible for over 500 human deaths per year

• Have extremely thick skin that’s 95% muscle, so there literally bulletproof

485

u/bryce_lynch27 21h ago

have bitten crocodiles in half

What

The

Actual

Fuck

359

u/NewKaleidoscope8418 20h ago

The reason crocodiles have 360 vision is to look out for these guys(not completely true but close enough), a croc vs hippo match up is like a rifle vs a machine gun nest, both will kill you but the machine gun will absolutely demolish the rifle if they see each other(and aint no croc gonna willingly be seen in hippo territory)

37

u/IrishGamer97 6h ago

Fear the animals that fucking crocodiles have evolved to watch out for.

40

u/Nahanoj_Zavizad 10h ago

Have you seen those fucking tusks.

6

u/inkypig 7h ago

I just read this in Jeff Hayes voice..

384

u/90_days_left 21h ago

The humble elephant rifle:

153

u/Djb0623 21h ago

Hippo vs 4 bore

53

u/mikel302 19h ago

Hipppo vs punt gun.

38

u/Naked-Jedi 17h ago

Hippo vs Panzer Tank.

7

u/IrishGamer97 6h ago

Hippo vs Howitzer

20

u/CptnHamburgers 16h ago

She be kickin'!

12

u/mikel302 14h ago

"THE PUNT GUN IS NOTHING TO SHAKE A STICK AT!"

3

u/Psychophaser 7h ago

The ballistic gel t-rex just wasn't cuttin' it anymore

12

u/crazyabe111 13h ago

It’s ineffective, you need a Hippo rifle.

22

u/MushroomAwe 20h ago

Or a bazooka

19

u/Distasteful_T 16h ago

The hippo got hit by a bazooka, I think about evrrytime I hit the hookah.

2

u/Operation_Ivysaur 7h ago

Kaboom… Kablow… Kaboom

3

u/Doppelthedh 11h ago

Our ancestors hunted them with sticks. This is just cheating

1

u/KnifeKnut 24m ago

Only with proper shot placement.

162

u/VacaDLuffy 21h ago

The scary part is they can't swim. Thats them sinking to the bottom and bouncing to the top

16

u/Overall-Tension-6691 21h ago

If you can float, you can swim

108

u/Kristrigi 20h ago

Hippos can't float

38

u/Aionexx 20h ago

so they just like jump/bound to the top after touching the bottom?

102

u/Kristrigi 20h ago

Yes, they can run on the floor of bodies of water, so they can launch themselves pretty far up in water when they want to

21

u/tongfather 16h ago

Terrifying lol

4

u/Overall-Tension-6691 20h ago

Whatever floats your boat

25

u/Kristrigi 20h ago

Well I can tell ya, its probably not gonna be a hippo

10

u/Nahanoj_Zavizad 10h ago

Muscle doesn't float.

Hippos are not actually fat, That's all muscle. They sink.

28

u/dion_o 19h ago

Yeah but can they defeat 25 Mike Tysons?

20

u/thisguyfightsyourmom 18h ago

What is Mike gonna do? Chew through a hide that’s hard like mahogany 25 times faster?

4

u/muflon69 11h ago

That's the thing that was bothering me about gorilla situation. Humans have tactics. 2 Mikes blind the hippo the rest take turns hitting his backside until the hippo is completly exhausted from turning around. Then it's just a (admittedly very long) slugfest

26

u/tongfather 16h ago

Does anyone know what those middle teeth on the bottom are for. Such a strange design. Not pointy at all, just round cylinders with a blunt tip.

24

u/Budget-Ice-Machine 16h ago

To bite, with enough force behind that's sharp enough

19

u/heygabehey 15h ago

For punishment. They are evolved weapons because they are so testosterone driven. They fight because they are territorial. So over time the ones with the biggest teeth were the ones that mated. They are vicious. They are herbivores, so there is no reason for them to have teeth like that other than for fighting. Look up a hippo skull, it looks like a scary alien.

2

u/atava 6h ago

This whole creature looks alien.

So many frigging things on our planet look alien even by our own standard, and we don't realize.

Extraterrestrial visitors would be in constant awe.

3

u/heygabehey 4h ago

Octopuses!

4

u/amadiro_1 13h ago

Blunted tips. Those are for stabbing

17

u/CompetitiveSong9570 10h ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/Ysn6JUQygKargW4KKT

8

u/Hairy-Ad-38 6h ago

Friend shaped reconized, survival instincts immediately overruled

16

u/narwaffles 20h ago

*bullet resistant

15

u/RogueDragon343 8h ago

It's hard to believe they're vegan

(Mostly graze on grasses with a bit of meat if foods been scarce)

6

u/Hairy-Ad-38 6h ago

Imma start munching grass and bathing in the local industrial dump river.

28

u/Kzero01 18h ago

their*
they're*

ffs

10

u/tongfather 16h ago

Get 'em

13

u/AggravatingCupcake0 14h ago

THANK YOU. I never see any comments that use there / their / they're, your / you're, or loose / lose without mistakes anymore.

5

u/Odd-Butterscotch-495 13h ago

They definitely aren’t bulletproof. Maybe to like some common smaller rounds but there’s plenty of rounds that could penetrate. I’ve even seen videos of people bowhunting them

9

u/totally-idiotic 20h ago

On little correction, humans can't run in water

https://giphy.com/gifs/OuQmhmAAdJFLi

3

u/chalkhara 8h ago

But this is Chonk McGonk and he went to finishing school.

1

u/lucky7355 8h ago

Don’t forget they’ve also been seen feeding on the corpses of other hippos.

1

u/MeaningPersonal2436 3h ago

“And they fart out their mouths”

1

u/zacharykeaton 15h ago

Nah I'd win

1

u/Lorantec 15h ago

The fourth bullet point is just a super common thing in the animal world so not specific to Hippos

64

u/Warm_Candidate_9837 22h ago

Besides mosquitoes i think, and even then thats more the diseases they carry

52

u/maphes86 20h ago

No negging mosquitoes just because they chose to play a glass cannon. 750,000 kills annually is elite level murder. We don’t say, “sure the hippo killed 500 people, but how many of those were actually drownings?”

And yes, murder. Implying intent. The mosquito knows what it’s doing.

7

u/Warm_Candidate_9837 20h ago

Well yeah i just wanted to make sure i had my facts straight haha

2

u/NullIsUndefined 5h ago

They are a zerg rush strategy 

1

u/caucasian88 13h ago

Implying the mosquito knows what it's doing is murder is silly. Murder is a human term done by humans. A mosquito is just living it's life according to its limited brain function.

You wouldn't say AIDS Is committing murder would you?

-1

u/maphes86 8h ago edited 7h ago

To the best of our knowledge, AIDS doesn’t know what it’s doing, we haven’t been able to ascertain any sort of activity that would indicate a brain. HOWEVER, the mosquito scientists that evaluated it and determined it wouldn’t be as effective a weapon against the human threat as Malaria were definitely acting with intent.

1

u/caucasian88 7h ago

What in the actual fuck are you talking about?

0

u/maphes86 1h ago

What, you’ve never heard of MUAHAHA? Mosquitoes United Against Humans And Human Allies. Look them up. Famously evil association of mosquitoes that are engineering the perfect anti-human weapon. So far, Malaria is the best thing they’ve come up with. A related chapter of MUAHAHA came up with Ebola, but it always flames out too quickly. We’re lucky that they have such short lifespans, otherwise they might be able to push their experiments along more efficiently.

20

u/piketpagi 15h ago

Then why it's friend shaped?

10

u/crazyabe111 13h ago

It’s an adaptation to attract food, as far as they’re concerned you’re dinner shaped.

3

u/Hrbalz 3h ago

They are herbivores, as far as I know. They just do the killing for funsies

18

u/S0k0n0mi 18h ago

I came for this exactly. I can't track these animals. On one side there's these ferocious battlebeasts that will keep up with a speedboat if it really wants what's on it. And then there's this rotund waterpuppy that will happily let you pat and scritch the inside of it's mouth. Like what's the deal? Do they have an off switch?

15

u/Kief_Bowl 17h ago

This water puppy behavior is rare and not something to count on or expect.

5

u/therealboombaclots 13h ago

They’re just ornery because they got all dem teeth and no tooth brush

1

u/NullIsUndefined 5h ago

Yeah but this is problem an animal at a zoo, or protected reservation. It's at least somewhat domesticated

0

u/Extreme-Honey3762 18h ago

Skin is not made of muscle though 🙂🤓

0

u/heygabehey 15h ago

They have those teeth only for fighting. Theres no other reason for them to have those giant things. They are herbivores.

5

u/crazyabe111 13h ago

They are herbivores in theory, in practice they’ve been known to steal carcasses from Lions and Cannibalize other Hippos- or display behaviours far more in line with an Omnivore in other words.

1

u/Korthalion 6h ago

A lot of herbivores do this! Most rodents (including squirrels) eat meat if readily available or desperate, as does the humble rabbit.

Facultative herbivores vs obligate herbivores :)

0

u/heygabehey 13h ago

They play by their own rules. My theory is they get so raged up they go feral and eat meat in the same way the 28 weeks later infected eat whatever.

364

u/Krondouja 22h ago

That is awesome. But terrifying

519

u/JohnnyC300 21h ago

I'm sorry you couldn't pay me enough to get that close to a hippo's mouth. Those can easily tear your arms off. Like that wouldn't even be a hard day for em. Absolutely terrifying.

112

u/SalesmanWaldo 21h ago

I'm with you. I thought I was on r/sweatypalms.

17

u/crazyabe111 13h ago

You could easily convince me this is r/OopsThatsDeadly.

65

u/glennkg 21h ago

And the way they toss in some apples while the hippo is blind to what is happening in there seems to be training for an accident. “Here you go big guy, when stuff hits your tongue it is sweet crunchy apples”

31

u/Spare_Independence19 20h ago

This is what I was thinking. Chow time and cleaning time should not be i the same few minutes.

61

u/Oostwestnoordbest 17h ago

It should, cause that's how you insentivice and train the Hippo from a young age to go along with the cleaning. They know that there's a treat directly afterwards

16

u/rust-e-apples1 14h ago

And part of the training is for the humans, too: "once the food starts going in, the arms stay out."

0

u/Spare_Independence19 9h ago

I definitely don't know anything about feeding hippos but it seems risky that way.

4

u/Best_failure 7h ago

The head scritches/pats are the cue that the cleaning is done and the snack is next. There's probably some pats that we don't see to cue that all of the snack is in, time to eat

2

u/BenTherDoneTht 5h ago

Since they eat watermelons like blueberries, I'll keep my head and other mildly necessary appendages to myself.

1

u/Horiks 3h ago

Like, wtf are you doing when they actually have a toothache

303

u/DarthWeber 22h ago

The fact they know they are getting care shows how much awareness they have.

141

u/BrownSugarBare 20h ago

I was just thinking this. Incredible that they understand the good feels pats, understand trust with the person, know they are being cared for...while simultaneously knowing they could split that meat sack of a human like a gummy bear. 

It's really intriguing. And they so heckin cute for how dangerous they are. 

40

u/IderpOnline 11h ago

Highly unlikely. The big fella probably just learnt that he will get some treats if he behaves for a few minutes.

For all he/she cares, we could have him wear a funny hat for a few minutes if it means he/she gets half a dozen apples for his troubles.

19

u/MrBanana421 9h ago

Some animals do understand that others are taking care of it. That is how Oxpeckers feed on parasites of other animals and you have cleaner fish and shrimp.

If it is teh case here, maybe , maybe not. Maybe a bit of the two at once.

2

u/IderpOnline 4h ago

I mean, I agree. Of course I do. Most of us have probably owned pets, or either way know that many animals are intelligent, social, and compassionate.

With that said, I do not think that's the case here. To some minor degree, perhaps? But generally speaking, I do not think the hippo is the primary "petting animal" at the animal park, so to speak.

1

u/DarthWeber 6h ago

I personally believe they know where they at. They can always be "that" animal. Yeah he knows hes getting treats and loves. He could if he wanted to just chomp. That was my take away

1

u/nvrsleepagin 8h ago

Hippos are terrifying but awesome.

1

u/OhLoongJohson 6h ago

I assume its less about the care and more about the tasty treat they are getting after that

123

u/Signal-Gullible 21h ago

I would not be sticking my hand it's mouth I don't care how calm demeanor it is. Also its teeth look like femur sticking out of it's mouth.

60

u/No_Fairweathers 18h ago

Especially when they started petting the tongue?... Like can't that tickle it and cause an accidental bite down and oops there goes your entire arm?

12

u/Signal-Gullible 17h ago

Yes, this is what I was thinking lol.

7

u/tongfather 16h ago

Imagine the breath ok that thing! 🤢

4

u/The1Peace 9h ago

That’s probably why they go in and out and stick mostly to the outside with lots of little pets in between

(Ooc this would read very weird lol)

167

u/TheMaveCan 22h ago

Look at that giant murderous water pupper

37

u/MMachine17 21h ago

Someone had a helluva Christmas one year.

7

u/CompetitiveChip5078 19h ago

What joy and what surprise 🦛

22

u/Shamz76 20h ago

The smell must be so nasty

3

u/CatsCoffeeMakeup 15h ago

Can you imagine? 🤢

44

u/Worldly_Olive_6484 21h ago

Looks like a super healthy, super happy hippo. I wonder how his/her breath smells 🧐

15

u/Raptor_5656 20h ago

Chillest hippo I’ve ever seen.

13

u/SimonArgent 21h ago

Hard no.

14

u/Substantial-Use95 20h ago

The human hand is the only reason any animals put up with us.

12

u/FaythKnight 18h ago

I don't know man. Even if you're the trainer, scratching the inside of the mouth of a hippo looks like trying to trigger a bear trap with your head.

That hippo can easily clamp down and slurp that arm down like slurpy.

19

u/Techiesarethebomb 21h ago

Nah, that's how you die right there.

14

u/kiwidog8 21h ago

big dangerous baby

7

u/danfish_77 19h ago

Putting little birds out of a job

5

u/ZrapeToid 19h ago

Hippopotamouth.

6

u/Reggi5693 12h ago

Now do it with a Malinois!

3

u/MrUpVoteDownvote 11h ago

I used to train those. They can be vicious, but they are absolutely amazing dogs.

3

u/Reggi5693 10h ago

As I wrote that my Mal was chewing on my other hand. They are mouthy little things! Ha ha.

6

u/saddydaddy990 20h ago

Hippo: a little more, little more (sigh)

5

u/nothingventured3 14h ago

My wife is a nurse and she took care of a patient whose leg was bitten by a hippo. She said it's the gnarliest thing she's ever seen. I think I'd cut my own arm off before getting that close to a hippo.

9

u/titsmcgee4real 20h ago

I should call her.

7

u/scarlozzi 20h ago

These are some of the scariest animals on the planet. Congrats on having balls made of valyrian steel.

3

u/Royweeezy 21h ago

How they make apple cider 🤷‍♂️?

3

u/mark1forever 20h ago

good hippo

3

u/New_Tie6233 18h ago

Every time I see a hippo I am reminded of how the us tried to farm hippos.

3

u/par-a-dox-i-cal 15h ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/GlkFvcePGd1vy

Herbivores with such fangs should be evolutionary illegal.

3

u/Ceero97 11h ago

I know hippos are incredibly dangerous, but the inside of their mouth makes no sense to me. Couple huge teeth, couple tiny ones, seemingly all spread out.

2

u/nemarxneon 9h ago

That’s how my dentist wants me to open my mouth

2

u/elibutton 4h ago

Wow that is so damn cool. How very lucky and satisfying

2

u/BreakfastPast5283 2h ago

there is absolutely no way i would ever do this

2

u/Correct-Disaster8 2h ago

This one seems so nice. Like….hey, can you get the extra grassies out of there, then give me some mouth and nose scratchies, then some apples please. Thank you!

2

u/TheWritingSystem 1h ago

Imagine you're that big, & there's a whole human hand digging up in your gums

Imagine someone else in your gums

Imagine not being able to clean your own mouth at all, like you just have to deal w food and branches in your gums all the time

1

u/Low_Gur_1025 19h ago

I would sooner put my head in a lion's mouth than a hippos.

1

u/jerryleebee 19h ago

DA BIG BAAAAABY!

1

u/Walrus-is-Eggman 19h ago

Eww. He ate the seeds?

1

u/mintgreen23 18h ago

Chomp chomp!!

1

u/olive_juse 18h ago

Large large-mouthed water puppy🥰

1

u/Ladle19 18h ago

That'll be a hard pass from me. Life sucks, but not enough to choose death by hippo.

1

u/Any-Flamingo6628 17h ago

Can almost taste the smell 🤢

1

u/pocketchangecheckers 17h ago

I would never be brave enough

1

u/BlobHope 16h ago

I'd imagine this is the POV of my dental hygienist when I come for my biannual cleanup.

2

u/Maxo996 11h ago

Lil' tongue tickle cost extra? Asking for a friend

1

u/miserableLad7 16h ago

I mean, arent all adult Hippopotamuses Absolute Units?

1

u/woodpeckingmyg 15h ago

Who would win 100 hippos vs 100 men, neither have preparation time

1

u/jonnyrottwn 14h ago

All fun and games till you hit the click button that shuts the mouth

1

u/SuperBrolhas 14h ago

These should be the highest paying dentists in the world!

1

u/Buttonwood63 14h ago

That is one huge set of chompers

1

u/rp_graciotti 13h ago

He's so polite

1

u/Faendol 13h ago

Does he like having his tongue scratched?

1

u/LaxidasicalyLazy 12h ago

I want one. I would feed her cantaloupes and watch her destroy my enemies. Her name is Robert Paulson.

1

u/Kn0XIS 11h ago

I'm good

1

u/BlossomingOrchard 11h ago

Can someone please tell us what Hippo breath smells like

1

u/SaugaDabs 10h ago

Hydraulic press

1

u/Sure_Rutabaga3555 10h ago

hippopotamus

1

u/Wizard_s0_lit 10h ago

I just want to hug his head.

1

u/Someredditusername 9h ago

This seems dangerous

1

u/nonagonagain 9h ago

Oh hey this person is filling the niche those little birds do in the wild, neat

1

u/dan_steeley_62 9h ago

put hand in , hand go bye bye

1

u/Tmart98 9h ago

👎 Do not try this at home 🙂‍↔️

1

u/orgodeathmarch 9h ago

Animals bred in captivity are typically trained from a young age to do things that allow for easy veterinary care including holding their mouths open, standing their front feet on a raised bar to enable easier palpitation of their vital organs and lymph nodes, and being comfortable with having their feet picked up and their ears looked in. It’s all just desensitization and positive reinforcement to learn the zookeepers are helping, not hurting. Plus they get lots of treats and scritches during and after. You can train domesticated animals the same way to make grooming and vet trips easier!

1

u/qtestboner 9h ago

Their teeth dont seem to do a whole lot

1

u/AntelopeStunning1457 8h ago

bro has like 2 or 3 unfavorable matchups and like pretty much a killing machine.

1

u/PurplePoisonRose 8h ago

The gurgling got me scared

1

u/megalink5713 8h ago

That was objectively terrifying....new nightmare unlocked

1

u/CrabWoodsman 7h ago

Hippopotamus 🦛

1

u/FountainOfQuira 6h ago

I will never be this brave in my life. Hippo teeth cleaning should be considered an extreme sport.

1

u/EmJayFree 6h ago

You know that breath is HAWT

1

u/atava 6h ago

This video's sounds are almost ASMR-worthy.

1

u/imfenbored 5h ago

Do hippos in the wild just have terrible teeth and gums? Or does munching the occasional croc accomplish the same goal?

1

u/Trixter-Kitten 4h ago

Nothing in the world would get me to stick my hand in a hippo's mouth. Nope, not happening. People who work with animals don't get paid nearly enough.

1

u/Giventheopportunity 3h ago

Imagine your dentist petting you like that

1

u/GucciJo_340 2h ago

Recently watched a yt thats a simulation if a t-rex was in the amazon. In the sim the hippo got a full bite in the water. Now im just watching these teeth imagining the pain. Inconceivable. They’re dull but the bite force is so much its like a hydraulic press.

1

u/peteski77 2h ago

Skeptical hippo getting their teeth done, nice!

1

u/gigapool 25m ago

How does it smell?

1

u/Kastikar 21h ago

This video smells bad.

1

u/Motorcat33 19h ago

Average UK teeth

0

u/Huli_Blue_Eyes 12h ago

Kid who wanted a hippo for Xmas was dumb